Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 29, 2024 4:27:03 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 30, 2016 22:29:19 GMT
I do not know what to do for my mom anymore. Ever since my dad died she has become more bitter than ever. I can not get her to leave the house unless it is for an appointment. There have been things done to the house, repair wise, that I will agree with her, are not up to par, but I am to tired mentally to go to war with these people. I think she wants me to "fix" all the problems. Not physically, but you know, make calls and talk to people. I have a dh who hates is job, a teen who is stressing about end of course tests, and the state test crap, my own job. Our house, bills, et. I can not "tell her to suck it up" because she is so depressed she has mentioned suicide. I have asked her to get counseling for her grief, but she won't. She is so angry that he "left her". She is never happy with anything at all anymore. I just needed to get this out. I of course, do not expect any solutions since she is the one who has to try to make the jump to heal.
|
|
valleyview
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,816
Jun 27, 2014 18:41:26 GMT
|
Post by valleyview on Apr 30, 2016 22:38:02 GMT
Vent away, you deserve it! Hugs, and I hope things improve.
|
|
|
Post by gar on Apr 30, 2016 22:42:31 GMT
I'm sorry....that sounds really tough to deal with.
|
|
|
Post by librarylady on Apr 30, 2016 22:43:06 GMT
I am sad for you and your mother that things are this way. Does she have a GF that can do something to get her moving? ..or a minister who can talk to her?
Around here there is a group called "Widowed Persons" that have activities that MIGHT be of interest to her.
As you said, unfortunately she has to do her part on the healing.
|
|
|
Post by KelleeM on Apr 30, 2016 23:01:44 GMT
I'm so sorry. Your post made me cry...because I know how lost my dad is without my mom and because it seems that you are overwhelmed. (((hugs)))
|
|
|
Post by crazy4scraps on May 1, 2016 0:14:57 GMT
Hugs. That's a tough one. Would she maybe go to a grief counseling group if you went with her? It sounds like she really needs to talk to someone other than you because you are probably still dealing with your own loss somewhat, and you have so many other things on your plate right now.
|
|
quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,840
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
|
Post by quiltz on May 1, 2016 0:17:11 GMT
She's angry, very angry and I get it .
She lost her husband and wants everyone to know it. I was very angry after a devistating loss.
She needs to get into counseling and also get some physical work outs.
( ( ( hugs ) ) ).
|
|
|
Post by Delta Dawn on May 1, 2016 0:20:22 GMT
I am sorry your mom is grieving. (You, too, are grieving if this was a recent loss). In time when she is ready I hope she will go for counselling.
|
|
|
Post by papercrafteradvocate on May 1, 2016 0:22:54 GMT
I'm sorry!take care of you and see if you can speak to some about your mom and suicide. She might be serious or she might be saying it to manipulate you into doing things. Do you have siblings?
|
|
gloryjoy
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,332
Jun 26, 2014 12:35:32 GMT
|
Post by gloryjoy on May 1, 2016 1:12:14 GMT
I'm sorry, that's got to be tough.
|
|
|
Post by destined2bmom on May 1, 2016 1:51:17 GMT
Hugs! I am so sorry you and your mom are going through so much! There is only so much that you can do and you are doing the best that you can.
|
|
|
Post by mikklynn on May 1, 2016 2:00:52 GMT
I'm sorry. Vent away.
|
|
|
Post by rockymtnpea on May 1, 2016 2:22:46 GMT
This won't help with your mom but will cut back on the stress for you and your kid...opt him/her out of the testing. (I beleive you are talking about the state tests such as PPARC or whatever)
I wish you peace with your mom, must be tough.
|
|
|
Post by lurkingsince2001 on May 1, 2016 2:35:11 GMT
It sounds like you are both buried under a lot of weight right now. But it's not necessarily a permanent thing. The kid's testing and what not should be finished soon, right? And if they are stressing over it so badly it's effecting the entire family, it might be time to look into some stress reduction measures. I don't know your kid but I'm assuming they are young enough that testing will happen many times for them. There are useful tools and techniques out there that could help both of you.
Most people I know don't like their jobs. Some of them work in downright high stress hostile environments. If the work stress is being brought home it needs to be mitigated. I doubt it's doing anyone any good. I understand his need to vent or that the stress might effect his personality. But a family can't exist that way for long.
Bills, your own job, all that grown up stuff, it's an albatross around our necks. But it's one we learn to work with or around. Maybe you had this down and then your dad's death threw it all up in the air. Try to find your groove again. The familiarity of it will be comforting.
As for your mom, how old is she? I don't remember previous threads where I might have caught that. She's facing a scary new world without him. She's clinging to something she knows and can depend on and that's you. In my experiences with grief, I realized that sometimes people forget that they are not the only ones grieving that loss. But whatever is going on inside her head, unless you have reason to believe she is manipulating you, she's treading water in the deep end.
As much as you have only so much of yourself to give, and as spread thin as you seem, she needs more. And she doesn't seem inclined to accept it from anyone else (unless there are siblings about in which case what are they doing about it). It's possible this is the new normal. You need to accept that and decide on a course of action. What are you willing to do? How much of a break from the situation do you need? How well have you handled any of your own grief? What can you do that will cause the least regrets?
As for the work on her place (I'm assuming she owns it), it's best to get that fixed and straightened out as soon as you can. Workman tend to drag their feet on correcting mistakes and sometimes you only have so long to put forth a claim. If it's anything like what I've seen before, nothing will get corrected while the "sweet old lady" is complaining but as soon as a third party gets involved, magically things get done. Also, if this work is something that could effect the property value of the place or cause resale issues, it's better to get it dealt with now then having to hire someone else to deal with it later. Not to mention the woman should get to enjoy what she paid for.
One of the hardest parts of taking care of someone physically and emotionally is the drain it has on us. That's something that's often overlooked by others and ourselves. Maybe you need to have a spa night, or order pizzas for everyone and shut yourself away with a good book, or even just a good nights rest.
|
|
|
Post by mlynn on May 1, 2016 7:36:48 GMT
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 29, 2024 4:27:03 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on May 1, 2016 10:12:56 GMT
As for your mom, how old is she? I don't remember previous threads where I might have caught that. She's facing a scary new world without him. She's clinging to something she knows and can depend on and that's you. In my experiences with grief, I realized that sometimes people forget that they are not the only ones grieving that loss. But whatever is going on inside her head, unless you have reason to believe she is manipulating you, she's treading water in the deep end. As much as you have only so much of yourself to give, and as spread thin as you seem, she needs more. And she doesn't seem inclined to accept it from anyone else (unless there are siblings about in which case what are they doing about it). It's possible this is the new normal. You need to accept that and decide on a course of action. What are you willing to do? How much of a break from the situation do you need? How well have you handled any of your own grief? What can you do that will cause the least regrets? She is 72. They where married for 48 years. I have one brother. You are correct in that I am pretty much the only one, and my brother, who she will talk to about how she is feeling. She is one who doesn't think talking to a professional will help her and she says she will get through this in her own way. We, dh and I , have offered her to live with us. I think a change of her environment would be a great help to her,but she is not ready to give up her "everything". I know I need to be here for her, and will. That is not a question. I also know all the other stuff will be straightened out too. I feel bad that I can not help her to feel better. Thank you.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 29, 2024 4:27:03 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on May 1, 2016 10:13:44 GMT
Thank you everyone for your kind words, ideas and support. We will get through this, little by little.
|
|
|
Post by LavenderLayoutLady on May 1, 2016 10:56:55 GMT
(((hugs)))
I'm sorry the situation is so darned hard.
|
|
AgnesDeux
Full Member
Posts: 217
Jul 7, 2014 0:50:46 GMT
|
Post by AgnesDeux on May 1, 2016 14:15:28 GMT
Thank you everyone for your kind words, ideas and support. We will get through this, little by little. I had to read and reread because I really thought I wrote your original post. My situation is exactly like yours! While it's slowly, very slowly improving, we are now worried that what my brothers and I thought was all depression may also be dementia. I feel for you. When I'm with my mom I feel guilty because I'm not at home. When I'm at home I feel guilty because I'm not with my mom. It's hard being the middle of the sandwich!
|
|
peabrain
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,588
Jun 25, 2014 22:18:04 GMT
|
Post by peabrain on May 1, 2016 14:26:14 GMT
How long ago did your father die?
|
|
peabrain
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,588
Jun 25, 2014 22:18:04 GMT
|
Post by peabrain on May 1, 2016 14:26:16 GMT
How long ago did your father die?
|
|
tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,378
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
|
Post by tincin on May 1, 2016 14:31:01 GMT
I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I hope that your Mom heals quickly.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 29, 2024 4:27:03 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on May 1, 2016 14:37:12 GMT
How long ago did your father die? January 20th.
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on May 1, 2016 15:19:06 GMT
Tishy I am so sorry first of all for the loss of your dad. Next for your mom's heartbreak and for the burden that has been added to you. Your mom is in a scary place right now. Her entire world has been turned upside down. Scarier still is that she seems to expect you to fix it for her. And you CAN'T. You can be there for her, you can help her as much as you are able, but you cannot fix what has happened. She may understand that and she may not. That understanding can be even more frightening. crazy4scraps and mlynn had good suggestions. See if she will go to grief share or another grief support group. Or to a grief counselor. Whichever it is, you offer to go together. That might make it less scary for her. There is an investment of time but hopefully the payoff - steps toward healing for mom and freedom for you - will be worth it. I can't pretend to understand what your mom is going through. I have found myself in depression but not to the depths your mom is feeling. She sounds like she has lost hope. I will say this to maybe help give you somewhat of an idea of a bit of what she MIGHT be feeling... There is a strong sense of abandonment. Even with me. I say EVEN with me because my husband made it plain he had no intentions of leaving us. On top of that, I have a strong support system. Yet I still found myself feeling very much abandoned by him and by my friends. As a matter of fact it's coming out in counseling that I have had abandonment issues my entire life and this is bringing it all to the surface. When I FEEL abandoned by my husband I need to intentionally remind myself he did not leave by his own choice. And my friends. One of the most important things for me that came out of Grief Share was the reminder that my friends have not abandoned me, they just had to go back to living their lives. Just because my world stopped in its tracks doesn't mean it did for everyone else too. For me it was kind of a lightbulb moment and a d'oh moment all at the same time because I feel like I should have known that. Your mom may be grasping so tightly to you, smothering you because she's afraid you will leave her too. In spite of the fact that you have invited her to live with you and she isn't ready. Jut yesterday I told someone that loss does strange and stupid things to your mind. My friends and I, we don't cuss but we say it sucks. I have never liked that word yet I find myself saying it a lot. Yet really there is no word big enough or ugly enough for this. Maybe like supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. But opposite. Thank you for your care for your mom. Your heart for her comes through in the middle of your frustration.
|
|
quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,840
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
|
Post by quiltz on May 1, 2016 15:25:46 GMT
Please don't let her move in with your family. This will cause more tension and with teens in the house, they don't need grandma giving her opinion on everything,
Use community resources for seniors and ask her friends for help. Get her involved with a volunteer activity.
Your 1st priority is to your family, not to your mom. Sound's harsh but in the end, she is responsible for her own life.
|
|
|
Post by shaniam on May 1, 2016 15:27:36 GMT
I am so sorry. That has to be a lot to handle in addition to your own problems. Sometimes it helps to just put it out here to get some sympathy.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 29, 2024 4:27:03 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on May 1, 2016 16:07:57 GMT
There is a strong sense of abandonment. Even with me. I say EVEN with me because my husband made it plain he had no intentions of leaving us. On top of that, I have a strong support system. Yet I still found myself feeling very much abandoned by him and by my friends. As a matter of fact it's coming out in counseling that I have had abandonment issues my entire life and this is bringing it all to the surface. When I FEEL abandoned by my husband I need to intentionally remind myself he did not leave by his own choice. This is one of the big things she has said over and over lately. She is "Mad" at him for leaving her. She says he would take care of the house stuff and she took care of their money. They should be doing things, enjoying their "golden years". No she has "no one to protect her". It makes me sad that she is so sad.
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on May 1, 2016 16:32:35 GMT
There is a strong sense of abandonment. Even with me. I say EVEN with me because my husband made it plain he had no intentions of leaving us. On top of that, I have a strong support system. Yet I still found myself feeling very much abandoned by him and by my friends. As a matter of fact it's coming out in counseling that I have had abandonment issues my entire life and this is bringing it all to the surface. When I FEEL abandoned by my husband I need to intentionally remind myself he did not leave by his own choice. This is one of the big things she has said over and over lately. She is "Mad" at him for leaving her. She says he would take care of the house stuff and she took care of their money. They should be doing things, enjoying their "golden years". No she has "no one to protect her". It makes me sad that she is so sad. I know . Big bug hugs and a prayer for you both.
|
|
|
Post by BeckyTech on May 1, 2016 21:06:40 GMT
First let me offer you a comforting hug. Oh man. On top of some very wise words that others are telling you, my suggestion would be to say "mom, I'll come over every Tuesday and Friday after school for at least an hour to check in on you and chat" or whatever you want to commit to. A definite time might help.
Mine would call me all the time complaining about everything, but it seemed to help when she knew she could count on specifics to see me. And after spending hours and hours trying to come up with solutions for the things she complained about, I finally realized: she didn't want solutions, she wanted to complain. So I just said "mmm" or "uh huh" when she did.
Maybe in a week or so suggest that the two of you attend a specific event: a speaker at the local library or whatever thing you think she might enjoy that would get her out. Maybe if she looks on it more like mother/daughter time instead of her getting out of the house without her husband, she might be more willing to go.
It's hard, it's really hard to deal with when you are also still trying to process your own loss.
Hugs, Becky
|
|
|
Post by mom on May 1, 2016 21:31:59 GMT
Is there any way that your brother can step up and be the go-to person on getting the repairs fixed correctly? While it won't make everything better, it will ease some of the burden.
|
|