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Post by iamkristinl16 on May 1, 2016 4:02:21 GMT
My oldest just turned 13 last month. I know that some of his friends have "girlfriends" and I have asked him if there are any girls that he likes or that like him, and he always says no. Today, he went to a friends house. I had to drop some things off for him later since he was having a sleepover. Friends mom said that the boys had asked to go to the mall. Mom asked what girls were going to be there, since she "wasn't born yesterday" and has an older son.  . They told her the names of the girls that they were hanging out with and she didn't think anything of it. She also said that they wanted to go to the movies with them next week. When I got home, I asked DH if he knew anything about this and he said that he knew something was up with DS took a shower before going without prompting and was trying to comb his hair. Lol. Before he left he asked me if he smelled good, but I thought it was just because last time I picked him up from a sleepover he had clearly forgotten to put on deodorant. Anyway, DH didn't seem to be bothered about DS not telling us he was meeting girls, even when I mentioned the movies. I told him that I thought DS should let us know if there are going to be girls involved when he goes to other kids' houses, and that while I trust him now, it is easier to set the ground rules now than try to reign things in when he is older. DH agreed to that rule. So, I am curious about how others handle boy/girl relationships at this age. What are your rules, expectations, etc? |
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,684
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on May 1, 2016 11:15:03 GMT
Ds is 14 and around here kids pair up into boyfriends/girlfriends insanely early so he's already had a few girlfriends. Most are pretty short lived with their relationship existing only at school and via text. He had a year long relationship with a very controlling girl that thankfully ended last summer.
Anyhow, my advice from that is to play it cool. When he goes somewhere ask who alls going to be there, if there's girls involved make sure it's either public or parents will be home. Decide what you will allow and what you won't allow (we didn't allow anything that resembled dates, no movies except in large groups, no drive in movie, no one-on-one activities pretty much everything had to be in groups). if he gets a girlfriend decide how much time they're allowed to spend together and where that can be (this is due to my experience with the controlling girlfriend). It sounds like there may be interest but no girlfriend right now so just be cool, ask general questions and stay informed.
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,840
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on May 1, 2016 14:58:47 GMT
They are doing stuff in a group. Your son is trying to fit into the group. Give him some space.
Now you are aware, but please don't helicopter or be insisted on knowing everything.
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Post by maryland on May 1, 2016 17:24:05 GMT
My girls hung out in groups of boys/girls at that age, and there were never any issues. My youngest is just 13 now, and that what her group does. They would go to the movies together a lot, then walk to nearby Panera. Or hang out at football games. They had a lot of fun, a great group of kids!
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Post by gar on May 1, 2016 17:30:01 GMT
Your kids probably know your general expectations and I prefered not to lay down rigid rules, rather judge each situation on merit as you go along. Be prepared to adjust and re-evaluate and tell him the reason when you do say no to something. I think when you do that they might not like or agree with what you say but it will make sense even if he won't admit it.
Encourage the group things for now but realise he's growing up and group things won't always be popular with the youngsters.
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oldcrow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,828 
Location: Ontario,Canada
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Post by oldcrow on May 1, 2016 17:34:43 GMT
I think it is time for *the talk* father to son, mother to daughter. You might be surprised at how many children loose their virginity around the 14 year mark.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 29, 2024 2:19:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 1, 2016 17:57:35 GMT
We've always told our kids no GF/BF until they turn 16. Hanging out with friends is fine, but I need to know with whom, be it girls or guys. While most of the time it's fairly innocent stuff, it's a good idea to talk about your expectations and appropriate behavior, especially when it comes to texting. Kids have gotten into serious trouble for forwarding photos, even though the person in the photo was the one who sent them out.
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Post by 950nancy on May 1, 2016 18:13:33 GMT
My husband and I were both teachers. Kids will "date' behind their parents' backs if they are interested enough. This was not a battle we wanted to fight and we both felt like boy/girl relationships are actually healthy with some guidelines and parents keeping their eyes open. For us, it was easier since we knew teachers who would say something to us is we needed to know something. My youngest son always had "girlfriends" in elementary school, but it was in name only. In junior high, he met girl in seventh grade and they hung out at school and she went to see him play in his games. I asked about her and met her. It seemed like a normal junior high thing. Thankfully she lived about seven miles away so things didn't progress too much. They continued to date and in fact are still dating six years later. She is a great girl and we love her. They often invite us to do things with them and she has gone one several family trips with us. I really credit her for my son wanting to do so well in school. My point? Kids are curious and want to hang out with the opposite sex. I have seen a lot of kids lie to parents about dating because rules about dating were so strict. I am sure there are a few peas who could tell some really fun stories. If your kid has a good head on his shoulders and you have had lots of discussions about relationships and sex, he is probably ready to hang out with other people of the opposite sex. I do think that even if your son has had the sex talk from a male, he needs to hear it from you too. Sometimes men don't see things the way we women do and knowing what a female thinks is really important to how a male treats females.
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msliz
Drama Llama
The Procrastinator
Posts: 6,419
Jun 26, 2014 21:32:34 GMT
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Post by msliz on May 2, 2016 21:21:12 GMT
13 yo DD hangs out with a bunch of nerd boys to play D&D. There's always a parent home though.
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perumbula
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,439
Location: Idaho
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Post by perumbula on May 2, 2016 23:59:53 GMT
In our house, socializing with the other gender is encouraged in groups, but pairing off is not. We don't let our kids date until they are 16 and even then we ask them to do group dates as much as possible. They have their whole lives to be exclusive with someone. the teen years are about learning who you are and how to interact. There's no need to complicate it with serious relationships.
ETA: I'm not saying my teens have never had boyfriends or girlfriends, but we encouraged them to get to know as many people as possible and not take dating seriously at that age. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, but they know where we stand.
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scrapnnana
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,314
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Post by scrapnnana on May 3, 2016 0:17:39 GMT
While are kids were allowed to do things as a mixed group, they knew there was to be no pairing off or group dates before age sixteen. At 16, they could do things as double and triple dates, but they focused on fun activities that weren't likely to lead to intimacy. They often asked me for fun date ideas, and we would brainstorm. Movies were considered lame, because there is little opportunity for talking. My youngest is now 23. Our oldest three are married, the two youngest sons are not, but the two youngest boys still go for dates that are good, clean fun. Our daughter insisted on being treated like a lady, with respect.
They understood why we had the dating rules we did. The younger that kids pair off, the more likely that they will become intimate. Our kids never rebelled or complained, but I think it was because we were clear as to why we had the rules we did, and we discussed the reasons thoroughly. Also, because we are religious, and many of their friends were from church and had the same rules, and their dates did, too, they could never claim that their friends's parents were more lenient. They never tried to use that excuse. They knew that we knew otherwise.
My younger sons came across "Rules for Dating my Daughter" and thought it was awesome, but we have made sure they respected women. Their sister also made sure they did, too, and she helped them learn how a girl likes to be treated.
I know my kids did activities in groups before age 16, but since parents had to do the driving, all the parents had a good idea as to where they were having the activity and making sure there was no pairing off.
I know our rules probably would not be readily accepted by all kids, and even many parents would think we were overly strict, but our 4 boys and only daughter all made the decision to keep intimacy for marriage. Our rules helped them keep that goal in mind at all times (and still do for our younger sons who are still dating).
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Post by maryland on May 3, 2016 0:35:08 GMT
My husband and I were both teachers. Kids will "date' behind their parents' backs if they are interested enough. This was not a battle we wanted to fight and we both felt like boy/girl relationships are actually healthy with some guidelines and parents keeping their eyes open. For us, it was easier since we knew teachers who would say something to us is we needed to know something. My youngest son always had "girlfriends" in elementary school, but it was in name only. In junior high, he met girl in seventh grade and they hung out at school and she went to see him play in his games. I asked about her and met her. It seemed like a normal junior high thing. Thankfully she lived about seven miles away so things didn't progress too much. They continued to date and in fact are still dating six years later. She is a great girl and we love her. They often invite us to do things with them and she has gone one several family trips with us. I really credit her for my son wanting to do so well in school. My point? Kids are curious and want to hang out with the opposite sex. I have seen a lot of kids lie to parents about dating because rules about dating were so strict. I am sure there are a few peas who could tell some really fun stories. If your kid has a good head on his shoulders and you have had lots of discussions about relationships and sex, he is probably ready to hang out with other people of the opposite sex. I do think that even if your son has had the sex talk from a male, he needs to hear it from you too. Sometimes men don't see things the way we women do and knowing what a female thinks is really important to how a male treats females. I agree! We have never told our daughters they couldn't date, we also think it can be a good thing with the right people. My husband and I both had wonderful girlfriends/boyfriends that were great influences on us. We have taught our daughters how to respect a boy and never to make him feel uncomfortable. They know how they want to be treated and they know that they must treat others with the same respect. Our oldest started dating at 16 and we were so happy with the boy she dated. My 16 yr. old has the sweetest boyfriend ever! They treat each other so well, and it makes us happy (and his parents are so happy with my daughter, and love when she comes to their house)! |
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Post by iamkristinl16 on May 3, 2016 1:19:25 GMT
They are doing stuff in a group. Your son is trying to fit into the group. Give him some space. Now you are aware, but please don't helicopter or be insisted on knowing everything. Who said I was helicoptering? I told him that if he is going to be meeting up with girls we need to know about it. I know kids can and do sneak around at times, but I don't want it to become a habit of saying he is at a friends house and then going off to meet girls with friends. |
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
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Post by scrapaddie on May 3, 2016 2:42:45 GMT
I think it is time for *the talk* father to son, mother to daughter. You might be surprised at how many children loose their virginity around the 14 year mark. And how many middle school kids do not think oral Sex is sex! |
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. They told her the names of the girls that they were hanging out with and she didn't think anything of it. She also said that they wanted to go to the movies with them next week. 
