|
Post by femalebusiness on May 2, 2016 15:47:33 GMT
Jenjie, so sorry that you have to suffer through this. Hugs.
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on May 2, 2016 17:53:24 GMT
Thanks girls. It's, I don't know, like raindancer said, it's all too much at once. I'm even counting time differently. 2 months from tomorrow will be one year since Fred's funeral. How is that possible! People are being very gracious. The pictures I've been sending to my gf to see what she thinks. Her dh is the one who requested it. If they knew how much it was stressing me out they would absolutely back up and go with whatever I sent. I think with the picture thing, it's just that there will be no.more.pictures. Ever. I know a lady whose son died. It was his birthday. She posted a picture of him and his dd who looked to be around 5. Now she is graduating high school. No more pictures. No more anything.
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on May 2, 2016 17:57:19 GMT
I hear you on this one. When Jim died, there were NO decent recent photos. He hated having his picture taken (he got that from his mom - and we had gone through the lack of photos with her the previous year). So what did I do about it? I used a caricature for all the obituaries and things. It was one he had done of himself, and he was an artist - it made perfect sense. Even though I didn't give a rat's ass if anyone had a problem with it (because the kids and I didn't), I was pleasantly surprised when so many people came up to me that I didn't know or hadn't seen in years and said it was the perfect picture to use for him. Hugs... What a wonderful idea! I love that you did that, it was probably even more personal than a photo would have been since he created it.
|
|
MorningPerson
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,511
Location: Central Pennsylvania
Jul 4, 2014 21:35:44 GMT
|
Post by MorningPerson on May 2, 2016 17:59:02 GMT
. I have stuff going on with ds11, I'm learning I can take care of it myself. But I don't want to have to. I want my husband here for it. DD is getting her learner's permit. Our friend is going to take her driving instead of her dad. This is totally a different situation, but maybe it will help some. I have been divorced from my kid's dad for what feels like forever. The boys were really young and over the years my ex and have ups and downs as he has some serious issues with alcohol. What that sometimes translated to was that I had learn to do a lot of things that most people would think falls under the purview of a dad to teach. I remember one particular moment-my son was going to an event that required a tie. He was around 11, and I was beyond clueless. I went to the mall to a men's store to see if one of the employees could help and when someone asked if I needed help I started absolutely sobbing. The poor guy was pretty young and stunned and had that deer in the headlights look. One of the other employees, an older man came over and asked if there was something he could help with. Once I settled down, the gentleman told me it was SO common for moms to come in and ask for help-he even had a pre-printed diagram that walked you through the steps of tie tying. He also told me that he had learned to tie his ties from his mom-a single mom who stepped up and taught him how to be a good man. The reason for the sobbing? I was heartbroken, absolutely heartbroken in thinking that my child, my precious baby child, was going to miss out on going through those rituals that I always subscribed to being father/son moments. That he was somehow going to be at a disadvantage that he missed out. But after an incredibly sweet conversation with an older gentleman who talked about all the amazing things he learned from his mother, I realized that it isn't a time of missing out, but rather a different opportunity. It isn't right or wrong, just different. I mess up all the time, and I definitely am WAYYYY out of my comfort zone sometimes, but it does work out. You can do this. You can teach a boy to tie a tie. You can teach them how to throw a football, to be a part of a team, to be a man. You can also teach them how to be respectful, to be compassionate, to make a complete meal from start to finish, to be a good parent. Give your self time. It will come, and you will find that you will be brilliant at it. Give yourself a break to mess up, to be human, to be sad (or even mad) ...and then realize that what your children will remember isn't always the specific moments, but rather the over all feelings of love and acceptance that surround them. Know that the kids will see you trying and love you all the more for it. jenjie, I'm so sorry for all you're going through. And anxiousmom, your post gave me goosebumps and made me cry at the same time. The random kindness of a stranger does that to me. Thanks for sharing your small but powerful story.
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on May 2, 2016 18:01:22 GMT
![](http://i1168.photobucket.com/albums/r481/2peasrefugees/Smilies/crying.jpg.gif) Jen, I am going to state the obvious for a second here. You husband left earth for a greater Kingdom and somehow you are left with all the pieces. You shared a lifetime of memories with Fred. I would feel very deserted and angry and sad if this had happened to me. I think based on the way you are writing is what I have been told is normal. Like the setting on the washing machine. You just cycle through the various settings of grief and one day it becomes acceptance. I wish it were easier for you and if I could share the burden with you I would. I have started to cry writing this because I feel sad. The Fallen Hero's dinner sounds scary. BUT I am going to think they put a ton of thought and consideration into the dinner. They will hire a top notch caterer and they will hold this event very sensitively to protect and love all the spouses and significant others of fallen officers. They want to show you how these people all made a difference in everyone's lives. I can't write anymore. I am sobbing for you, but this hurts me, too. Thank you Elannah. I know. It's just - you know. Difficult. And @formerlytravelagent what you are saying makes sense. But I feel that I need to be there - for myself - if he is being honored. I can't stay away.
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on May 2, 2016 18:03:45 GMT
Jenjie, Would the police department have a portrait? Or does you church have a directory photographer that you could get a portrait from? Mary Excellent thoughts but there is nothing great. We have some good pictures of him in his passion play costume and one from when he dressed as a clown for vacation bible school. Lol. But he was more than a role and I don't want to take that away from the person who now plays that role either.
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on May 2, 2016 18:05:14 GMT
That is just so much all at once. I'm so sorry. When my MIL passed away we struggled because she refused to take pictures. We have just a few and most were not just her and almost no smiles. Trying to figure out photos to display was tough. Hugs to you. It can't be easy. <3 Thanks. I'm sorry you had that issue. We had plenty of pics for his funeral. How is your dh recovering?
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on May 2, 2016 18:07:25 GMT
((Hugs)) Can you tell the church that you appreciate their wanting to honor Fred, but finding an appropriate photo is too hard for you at the moment? The same goes for anyone else wanting to honor him. They may want to honor Fred now, but if it causes unnecessary stress or heartache for your or your children, this may not be the right time. That's a good thought. I'll keep it in mind if I need to.
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on May 2, 2016 18:10:16 GMT
anxiousmom thank you. Thank you. I'm so glad you shared your story too.
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on May 2, 2016 18:12:12 GMT
THis is such a common issue and it is why you sometimes see very old photos in obituaries such as high school graduation photos for an 85 yr old. Is there not a photo from your wedding? I'm sure we can also find someone who PS skills who can help fix one of the previously rejected photos. Refupeas have mad skills! I would prefer to use a more recent photo because that's the Fred they know.
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on May 2, 2016 18:13:06 GMT
I'm so sorry, my heart hurts for you. Something that occured to me last week when my husband was here is we don't have any photos of us together except one which is a tiny Instax snap. I'm always the one taking pictures and I hate being on the other side of the camera. I have to get over that. Take pictures together!!!
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on May 2, 2016 18:18:09 GMT
jenjie if you have a photo you think is good but other people are in it, send it over to me and maybe I can photoshop it to make it look like just himself. freebird thank you so much. This is my very favorite picture of him. Cropping is fine, we used it for his funeral card. But I'm concerned it won't be good enough quality. IIRC it would need to be something like 3.5x5 or 4x6. If there is something you can do I would be so grateful. If not I will understand and still be grateful for your kind offer. ![](http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20160502/b16c5f3d2854cdf5e5f401e75320d2c7.jpg)
|
|
quiltz
Drama Llama
![*](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/stars/star_green.png)
Posts: 6,757
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
|
Post by quiltz on May 2, 2016 18:21:59 GMT
Thanks girls. It's, I don't know, like raindancer said, it's all too much at once. I'm even counting time differently. 2 months from tomorrow will be one year since Fred's funeral. How is that possible! People are being very gracious. The pictures I've been sending to my gf she thinks. Her dh is the one who requested it. If they knew how much it was stressing me out they would absolutely back up and go with whatever I sent. I think with the picture thing, it's just that there will be no.more.pictures. Ever. I know a lady whose son died. It was his birthday. She posted a picture of him and his dd who looked to be around 5. Now she is graduating high school. No more pictures. No more anything. Maybe you should let your friend know that this is a stressful thing for you to do and to please choose from what has been given to them. Quietly let them know this. Yes, you are counting time very differently. It is the "how have I survived (without going completely crazy) 10 months without Fred's help/input during so many situations. Your feelings/emotions/actions & reactions are completely normal and I will validate them. Give yourself permission that you do not have to be Captain American all the time. It is okay to not be "on" all the time. (((Hugs)))
|
|
|
Post by alissa103 on May 2, 2016 18:45:15 GMT
Jenjie, Would the police department have a portrait? Or does you church have a directory photographer that you could get a portrait from? Mary Great thought! When my dad passed we used a headshot he had to have taken for his company's website. It was professionally taken at work and a great photo. I called their communications/marketing department and I had the high-res copy with a release (allowing me to use it freely) in my inbox in about an hour. I do think its awesome he's being honored in so many ways! That's pretty cool and shows just what kind of a man he was. Gentle hugs. Take care.
|
|
|
Post by alissa103 on May 2, 2016 18:48:17 GMT
I just saw your response so sorry about that! I didn't realize there was a page 2.
|
|
|
Post by CarolinaGirl71 on May 2, 2016 18:54:32 GMT
I can't add much that hasn't already been said, except more (((Jennie))) hugs! You may not feel like it, but you are showing strength and grace in this very difficult situation. I am sure your children are being strengthened by your attitude and how you are handling the situation.
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on May 2, 2016 19:09:33 GMT
Jenjie, Would the police department have a portrait? Or does you church have a directory photographer that you could get a portrait from? Mary Great thought! When my dad passed we used a headshot he had to have taken for his company's website. It was professionally taken at work and a great photo. I called their communications/marketing department and I had the high-res copy with a release (allowing me to use it freely) in my inbox in about an hour. I do think its awesome he's being honored in so many ways! That's pretty cool and shows just what kind of a man he was. Gentle hugs. Take care. It is pretty special isn't it? I did request his fingerprints from HR and his boss got them to me ASAP. I am going to have Alex and Ani style bangle bracelets made for me and dd with his fingerprint.
|
|
|
Post by scrappintoee on May 2, 2016 19:18:24 GMT
awww.....I am SO sorry for all you & your kiddos are going through!!!! Lots of ((( hugs ))))
|
|
Mystie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,299
Jun 25, 2014 19:53:37 GMT
|
Post by Mystie on May 2, 2016 20:47:20 GMT
I wish I had something awesome to say besides I hear you and I hurt for you. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, dear. ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/MNrJDkDuSwqIMVw33MdD.jpg)
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Jul 1, 2024 16:31:23 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on May 2, 2016 23:08:09 GMT
I'm so sorry. I can completely understand your frustration. It must be such a difficult time for you. ((HUGS))
|
|
|
Post by craftsbycarolyn on May 2, 2016 23:08:17 GMT
((Hugs))
|
|
|
Post by Merge on May 2, 2016 23:12:53 GMT
We had the same issue with my mom and dad. When they died, the most recent real portraits we had of them were from the church directory and taken ten years earlier. We had lots of fun snapshots, but the church also wanted to do some kind of memorial plaque and we were struggling to come up with something.
It is just very, very hard, I know. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.
|
|
|
Post by Miss Ang on May 3, 2016 2:05:11 GMT
Sending you hugs and prayers!
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on May 3, 2016 2:29:30 GMT
The amazing freebird to the rescue with my photos! I'm so appreciative. The dinner was ok. Although it was called a memorial dinner it was mostly merit awards. There were some pretty interesting stories. We were sitting at the table with a gentleman who received a civilians award for performing CPR on his grandson. There were probably a half dozen people memorialized. Out of all of them I was the only relative in attendance. They presented me with a big picture that has absolutely nothing to do with Fred. It's officers standing at attention at a memorial I assume is for officers killed in the line of duty. Around the perimeter is a bunch of names, none of which are his. They are various people KIA. I googled a couple of names. One was from 1987, one from 1932. So there's that. When they scrolled through a long list of names of those who have passed, I couldn't see Fred's name on the screen because everyone was standing. I had a decent time. I laughed with my friend and we snuck out early. I'm glad to be home. To add to my struggle today, it's also the beginning of church softball season. Fred loved playing with the team. What's next?
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on May 3, 2016 16:30:44 GMT
I think I'm going to try to find a way to graciously and gratefully donate the picture to the department in Fred's name. Any ideas?
|
|
quiltz
Drama Llama
![*](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/stars/star_green.png)
Posts: 6,757
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
|
Post by quiltz on May 3, 2016 16:52:55 GMT
Just put the picture away for now. It doesn't have to be dealt with right now. Out of sight, out of mind.
|
|
|
Post by ilikepink on May 3, 2016 16:55:54 GMT
Hugs, and more hugs.
As others have said, I can't imagine how hard life can be for you sometimes. The moments that have happened, and those to come, that aren't as you expected have to be the worst. Try and remember that you are not alone--everyone misses Fred; allow your village to come together to help you and the children through it. There's not much that the "village" can do except to honor Fred and assist his family as much as they can. Your faith and church will help, and you have all of us who are with you in spirit.
You are one of the strongest women I know, you will get through this moment, and the next ones as well. (and yes, you made me cry again!!!)
|
|
quiltz
Drama Llama
![*](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/stars/star_green.png)
Posts: 6,757
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
|
Post by quiltz on May 3, 2016 17:02:58 GMT
I think with the picture thing, it's just that there will be no.more.pictures. Ever. I know a lady whose son died. It was his birthday. She posted a picture of him and his dd who looked to be around 5. Now she is graduating high school. No more pictures. No more anything. This is so very real, no more pictures. I still look at the pictures from my son's wedding and there is something wrong or not right with the pictures. My dd isn't in them, where is she? Why does the family picture look so skewed? It is because my parents are not in the pictures. This is a real "thing". Talk therapy really helped with this. Please go easy on yourself. It hasn't been a year yet. Too many changes in such a short period of time.
|
|
|
Post by shamrock on May 3, 2016 17:12:40 GMT
I did request his fingerprints from HR and his boss got them to me ASAP. I am going to have Alex and Ani style bangle bracelets made for me and dd with his fingerprint. Great idea! What about cufflinks or a key chain made for your boys?
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on May 3, 2016 18:30:16 GMT
I did request his fingerprints from HR and his boss got them to me ASAP. I am going to have Alex and Ani style bangle bracelets made for me and dd with his fingerprint. Great idea! What about cufflinks or a key chain made for your boys? I think ds11 would like a keychain. DS17 thinks it's creepy. He also doesn't want anything of dad's touched or given away. Ever. I gave mil his t-shirts so she can make quilts and stuffed animals for the family. But ds17 thinks it's a bad idea. I let him choose 10 of his favorite shirts to keep for himself but he's still not happy. Everything needs to remain the same. He says "If I die you better not get rid of any of my stuff!" I said you better believe I will! He is a hoarder. I told dd feel free to do whatever with my stuff, but please either hold onto my journals or give them to a certain friend or two.
|
|