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Post by mrsovy on May 3, 2016 7:39:23 GMT
Bit of background info first, my husband has a lung condition which means he has to go to a hospital in London for treatment. We live in the Midlands (UK) so it's 2 train journeys then 2 tube journeys each way.
He has to stay in hospital 3 days each time. He had only been in once so far, (last week) but has to go in again in a fortnight a time. He will prob have to goin again once or twice again this year for treatment. He expects me to go with him & spend the full day in hospital with him each day. So that's 8am till 8pm 3 days running stuck indoors with no windows. That's not the problem, I understand he doesn't want to be there & would be lonely spending all that time alone.
As I work full time this means I will be using up prob all of my years holiday entitlement inside a hospital with him. So, my question is (and thanks to everyone who's stuck with me so far)
Am I being selfish wanting to have just 1 day of my holiday entitlement this year for me? No running around after everyone else, just time for me to scrap or stitch or just sit on the sofa watching daytime tv. I spend so much time running around not just after my husband but the rest of his family too. All I am asking for is one day out of a whole year, but they are making me feel so guilty for even suggesting it.
Apologies again for the length of this thread!
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Post by gale w on May 3, 2016 7:41:53 GMT
No, you're not being selfish.
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Post by miominmio on May 3, 2016 7:43:46 GMT
In order to be able to take care of others, you also need to take care of you. If they can't understand or accept that, that's their problem, not yours.
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Post by lesserknownpea on May 3, 2016 7:49:59 GMT
Goodness. You're not being selfish. You're too nice and people are making you feel guilty for daring to think about yourself at all.
Also, it sounds very impractical to use up all your dats off this way. Something could come up you weren't expecting. You'd be sorry you had no days left.
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Post by gar on May 3, 2016 7:58:23 GMT
Of course not Apart from a day to yourself, while DH is in hospital, would he mind if you took a couple of hours off to go outside and have a break? I understand him being stuck indoors isn't fun but if it was the other way around I'm sure you wouldn't begrudge him and hour or 2 off during the day? It might break that up for you a bit too.
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lesley
Drama Llama
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Location: Scotland, Scotland, Scotland
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Post by lesley on May 3, 2016 8:00:59 GMT
Is your husband capable of travelling on his own? If so, I would wave him off at your local station, and take a half day's leave to go and meet up with him when he is being discharged. No more. Unless he was terminally ill maybe. I wouldn't use up all of my leave, and if pressed by him or his family, say that my employer would not allow me to take my leave in such a pattern. (If getting time on your own is an issue, I would maybe take a sneaky day's leave when he is in hospital, and not tell anyone! ) Do you stay in hospital with him? Or do you have accommodation expenses? With the money I would save on rail fare and hotels, I would buy him an iPad. Most hospitals have wifi, so he could keep in touch with people that way.
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joelise
Drama Llama
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Jul 1, 2014 6:33:14 GMT
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Post by joelise on May 3, 2016 8:58:48 GMT
I don't think that's selfish at all.
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wellway
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Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on May 3, 2016 9:16:43 GMT
No, you are not being selfish. Am going to assume that those giving you grief have not stepped up and offered to use their holiday time to be with your husband in London.
You need to take a break from the hospital, they can be draining places to be if you are not the patient. I have found that they get too warm and I get a headache easily. Tell you DH what you need to keep sane and then do it. He's a grown man and will be surrounded by hospital staff, available at the press of a button. Go have a long lunch, a walk around a nearby park, buy a few mags and return to share the stories with him.
Just a thought, do the hospital have a few volunteers that could visit for an hour while you get a break? Maybe speak to the hospital chaplain and see if any such help is available.
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vanessa
Full Member
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Sept 15, 2015 4:25:10 GMT
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Post by vanessa on May 3, 2016 9:33:40 GMT
I have a child with a chronic illness. I have been told by many of his doctors that I need to 'put my own air mask on first' in order to be effective for him. It's hard. But I'm trying. And you should too. We can't be effective when we are so drained. Put your air mask on, then take care of him.
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Post by polz on May 3, 2016 9:49:09 GMT
No you are not being selfish, but some people need to heal with loved ones around them. My MIL had cancer. She taxied to her appointments and taxied home from the hospital. She is very self sufficient. My friend had cancer 1mm smaller than MILs (so practically the same). She had a roster of fiends with her during all visiting hours. My friend doesnt like to be alone. Neither does my husband. I'd probably sleep and be OK.
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Post by giatocj on May 3, 2016 10:26:47 GMT
No, you are so not being selfish at all!
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michellegb
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 26, 2014 0:04:59 GMT
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Post by michellegb on May 3, 2016 10:26:56 GMT
Goodness. You're not being selfish. You're too nice and people are making you feel guilty for daring to think about yourself at all. Also, it sounds very impractical to use up all your dats off this way. Something could come up you weren't expecting. You'd be sorry you had no days left. I understand you want to support your husband, but you need to take care of yourself too. Nor should you use all of your holiday time for this. It seems a little unreasonable for him to expect you to stay all 12 hours in the hospital with him each day. I would not expect that of anyone. Can you go do something for yourself for a few hours while your in London? Maybe that would be a compromise that would work for both of you.
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eastcoastpea
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Jun 27, 2014 13:05:28 GMT
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Post by eastcoastpea on May 3, 2016 10:33:32 GMT
You're not being selfish. Hugs to you.
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Country Ham
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Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on May 3, 2016 10:48:35 GMT
Bit of background info first, my husband has a lung condition which means he has to go to a hospital in London for treatment. We live in the Midlands (UK) so it's 2 train journeys then 2 tube journeys each way. He has to stay in hospital 3 days each time. He had only been in once so far, (last week) but has to go in again in a fortnight a time. He will prob have to goin again once or twice again this year for treatment. He expects me to go with him & spend the full day in hospital with him each day. So that's 8am till 8pm 3 days running stuck indoors with no windows. That's not the problem, I understand he doesn't want to be there & would be lonely spending all that time alone. As I work full time this means I will be using up prob all of my years holiday entitlement inside a hospital with him. So, my question is (and thanks to everyone who's stuck with me so far) Am I being selfish wanting to have just 1 day of my holiday entitlement this year for me? No running around after everyone else, just time for me to scrap or stitch or just sit on the sofa watching daytime tv. I spend so much time running around not just after my husband but the rest of his family too. All I am asking for is one day out of a whole year, but they are making me feel so guilty for even suggesting it. Apologies again for the length of this thread! Since this is his second time for treatment, and "will probably" need one or two more treatments I personally would do whatever it takes to be there for him for these 3 days. I will worry about probable future treatments when they arise. This is just early May and I would figure out how to take a day off of work if i ran out of vacation time when and if that even happens. There is no worse feeling then being in the hospital alone. How much could you truly relax at home/work knowing he wanted you there with him? I am not asking in a snarky way but really? Wouldn't your mind be all over the place thinking about him anyhow? Perhaps say no to one of the family members later on down the road. I think it's worth your vacation time to spend it with him. Like you said he "prob" will have 2 more sets of treatments. He might not either.
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suzastampin
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Jun 28, 2014 14:32:59 GMT
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Post by suzastampin on May 3, 2016 11:03:38 GMT
Any chance some of his family could meet him at the hospital to sit with him for a day, since they are laying the guilt trip on you?
Only you know how your husband will feel being there alone for a day. If his feelings will be hurt, I'd suck it up and stay with him. After all, in the grand scheme of things, will having that one day off for yourself really make that much difference? Can you have a weekend to yourself to veg and do those things you'd like to do?
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Post by baslp on May 3, 2016 11:15:53 GMT
No. Take care of you so you have the energy to take care of your husband.
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Post by mrst on May 3, 2016 11:15:55 GMT
I'm in hospital now recovering from knee replacement and I'm glad to see visitors come and glad to see them go . If he can get there by himself I don't see any reason to be with him all the time!
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Post by jackie on May 3, 2016 11:40:24 GMT
No, you are not being selfish at all. When I was going through chemo, I had to get a ride to and from and then I had to spend a good 8 hours getting treatment. I wasn't allowed to drive home after. The facility was only 15 minutes away, but I hated asking for rides. I did let other people take me because I didn't want my dh to use all his vacation time doing it. I made sure everyone knew I did not expect anyone to stay the whole time and that in fact they could just drop me at the door and leave. No one did that--some would stay an hour and some for half a day. I was fine with whatever--I enjoyed visiting with the family member or friend, but I was also fine being by myself and reading, doing puzzles, napping, watching TV, etc. I really didn't want people to have to give up their way hole day for me though. It's a lot to ask.
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Deleted
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Sept 28, 2024 22:20:58 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2016 11:52:29 GMT
I try to base my decisions based on rational choices rather then guilt. In this case I would think there's 365 days in a year, my husband has to stay in hospital for maybe 9 of them...doesn't seem that much a drain really to spend them with him. If you honestly can't find another day off in the other 356, I think you have bigger issues. I think this problem you seem to be grappling with exists in your perception of yourself in your family and it won't be solved by not going to the hospital this one time.
Personally I would prefer to be on my own in hospital catching up on reading, but if my husband asked for me to stay, then I would just plan for things we can do.
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Post by hop2 on May 3, 2016 12:10:17 GMT
No your not being selfish
I'd find family and/or friends to spend some of that time with him. I mean it'll be exhausting on you to be the only one to go all the time.
Does he need extra help/care when he comes home from treatment as well? If so how can you be fresh to help him then.
I've been thru family illnesses and treatments, and for us it's an 'all hands on deck' situation. Meaning we rotate who goes to the dr and treatments with the person so no one is over burdened or overwhelmed. Because your not a whole lot of help when your overwhelmed.
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Post by gailoh on May 3, 2016 12:15:11 GMT
So you work, run around get stressed out then it will be your turn to go in from that heart attack you may have ...that was caused by the stress of this...you can call him to see how he is doing...make certain he has books, magazines, a word find book...
No you need to have that free time for you to recharge and as far as his his family is concerned, learn to say no...let them cope with their problems...being nice is one thing , being used is another...
Hugs..cause you need one...
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Deleted
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Sept 28, 2024 22:20:58 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2016 12:16:59 GMT
Only you know how your husband will feel being there alone for a day. If his feelings will be hurt, I'd suck it up and stay with him. After all, in the grand scheme of things, will having that one day off for yourself really make that much difference? Can you have a weekend to yourself to veg and do those things you'd like to do? I don't think you are being selfish at all for feeling that way, but I think the above advice is worth considering. My husband has had some major health issues in the past, and my memories from that time that stand out are the times where (I felt) I fell short in being there for him.
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Post by countrychick on May 3, 2016 12:24:08 GMT
Goodness me no!!! Not selfish at all. We (women in general) always put ourselves last and put the needs of others first. Of course we want to be there for our loved ones but if we don't replenish ourselves every now and then we have nothing to give. Hugs to you and your DH.
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Post by mikklynn on May 3, 2016 12:38:32 GMT
No, absolutely not selfish. You need to sustain yourself for the long haul. Please, take that day for yourself.
I am the caregiver for my DH, too. I just took a weekend to scrapbook with some girlfriends. It wasn't selfish, it was necessary.
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Post by pmm on May 3, 2016 12:42:07 GMT
No, you are not selfish. You need to take care of yourself too. If you are sick you aren't going to be able to help him. Some of the other family members can take turns keeping him company.
When you do go and sit with him take a project with you. I have had patients or their family members work on crochet/knitting, cross stitching, plastic canvas projects, greeting cards etc.
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Deleted
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Sept 28, 2024 22:20:58 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2016 12:52:59 GMT
Is your husband capable of travelling on his own? If so, I would wave him off at your local station, and take a half day's leave to go and meet up with him when he is being discharged. No more. Unless he was terminally ill maybe. I wouldn't use up all of my leave, and if pressed by him or his family, say that my employer would not allow me to take my leave in such a pattern. (If getting time on your own is an issue, I would maybe take a sneaky day's leave when he is in hospital, and not tell anyone! ) Do you stay in hospital with him? Or do you have accommodation expenses? With the money I would save on rail fare and hotels, I would buy him an iPad. Most hospitals have wifi, so he could keep in touch with people that way. Perfectly said.
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Post by Ramona on May 3, 2016 12:54:32 GMT
No, you are not being selfish. When my husband was in the hospital, the doctors wanted me to spend one day a week, out of the hospital. It helped me to keep my sanity. I usually just went home to mow the lawn. My husband was fine with it, I could give him reports on things out side that hospital. He was there for 1-2 months at a time. Except for those one days, I was with him 24/7. Even when he was moved to the independent living housing, I stayed with him. In general, most families don't understand what a struggle the caregiver goes thru. So OP, take time for you, please. If your husband doesn't want to be alone, go ahead and ask someone to spend a day with him.
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moodyblue
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on May 3, 2016 13:05:53 GMT
You say you spend the day from 8 am to 8 pm with him. Where do you go for the night? If it's to a hotel or something, can you take a break in the middle of the day and go there then too? Or can you at least get out and go for a meal or tea somewhere that gets you out of the hospital for a couple hours?
It is tiring to just sit in a hospital with someone. I've done it a lot. I've also gone out for a bit just for fresh air and to move around or get some food. If your husband is able to handle any questions or decisions or whatever that might come up while you aren't there, I think there is nothing wrong with getting a break at some point during the day.
I get that he might want you there and feel better when he's got that support. You want to be there for him (and I generally think that people should have support when in the hospital), but you also have to get a little break too - and that's not being selfish at all. Is this something that will be ongoing for a long time, past this year? If not, I'd probably suck it up and use the vacation time this year to be with him but try to get breaks each day while he's in the hospital. If it's going to be the same situation for years, I might start thinking of how to handle it so that you have some vacation time for yourself in the future.
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Post by whopea on May 3, 2016 13:11:16 GMT
I don't think 9 / 365 days is a lot to give up for the needs of our partner. Would it be possible to bring your stitching or a small part of scrapping with you and do it while you're keeping him company in the hospital?
I try and make decisions like this by asking myself "how would I feel if". In this case, it would be how would I feel if something happened during one of his treatments and he went into respiratory arrest and died (and I wasn't there). Could I live with myself then?
I'm also curious to know how many of the peas above that said you're not being selfish would feel the same way if the situation were reversed. I could just imagine the thread -- I have to be in the hospital for 3 days for a treatment and my dh said he wanted to play golf on one of those days because he never gets any time to himself. He's always taking care of me or the kids or working to pay the bills. He said he just wants one day to do what he wants. I think the dh in that situation would be roundly cursed and called a selfish ba&tard.
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Post by BoilerUp! on May 3, 2016 13:23:24 GMT
Nope, not selfish! If you are helping others all year long, keeping yourself happy and healthy is pretty important as well. If one day of alone time is all you want - TAKE IT!!! You earned it anyway, and then some . . .
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