valleyview
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,816
Jun 27, 2014 18:41:26 GMT
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Post by valleyview on May 3, 2016 13:30:36 GMT
Not selfish. Your DH is either being selfish or else he's scared. It's certainly no fun being poked, prodded and treated all day, but if he's not concerned about your needs, then you both need to talk this out.
If you choose to stay in London, then make sure that he can entertain himself and contact you easily so that you can take a few hours off for a walk and lunch.
If you stay at home, I really like the idea of an iPad for reading and movies. I use mine for texting and FaceTime. There are ways to stay connected without actually being present.
Good luck with your decision, and I hope that you can find a good compromise.
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Post by jackie on May 3, 2016 13:48:00 GMT
I don't think 9 / 365 days is a lot to give up for the needs of our partner. Would it be possible to bring your stitching or a small part of scrapping with you and do it while you're keeping him company in the hospital? I try and make decisions like this by asking myself "how would I feel if". In this case, it would be how would I feel if something happened during one of his treatments and he went into respiratory arrest and died (and I wasn't there). Could I live with myself then? I'm also curious to know how many of the peas above that said you're not being selfish would feel the same way if the situation were reversed. I could just imagine the thread -- I have to be in the hospital for 3 days for a treatment and my dh said he wanted to play golf on one of those days because he never gets any time to himself. He's always taking care of me or the kids or working to pay the bills. He said he just wants one day to do what he wants. I think the dh in that situation would be roundly cursed and called a selfish ba&tard. Well hopefully our husbands wouldn't be so blunt about it and I'm sure the OP wouldn't either. But no, phrased nicely, I wouldn't be upset. It's tough caring for a sick person and I'm saying this from the perspective of the sick person. I loved having my husband there for me, but I didn't want him to feel his life was completely put on hold because I was sick. You can be a good spouse and a good caretaker and still admit to having your own separate needs. I wouldn't want my husband using all of his vacation days to sit in the hospital with me. Doing that is a good way to burn out or begin harboring resrntment for the sick person. I would (and did) want my husband to save some of his vacation time for other things he wants to do and for things we can do together, once I feel better.
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Post by crazy4scraps on May 3, 2016 14:33:15 GMT
I have a child with a chronic illness. I have been told by many of his doctors that I need to 'put my own air mask on first' in order to be effective for him. It's hard. But I'm trying. And you should too. We can't be effective when we are so drained. Put your air mask on, then take care of him. Not selfish at all. It's hard to continually fill up others when your own bucket is empty. Hugs to you!
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SweetieBsMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,739
Jun 25, 2014 19:55:12 GMT
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Post by SweetieBsMom on May 3, 2016 14:42:12 GMT
I write this as I sit with DH at chemo. From one care-give to another, you are not being selfish. I go to chemo every 2 weeks with DH. I'm lucky in that my boss lets me work from the hospital. DH sleeps thru the whole treatment but he still wants me there. I have used more vacation days on doctor's appointments and surgeries in the past 4 years than I have on myself. It's par for the course with a terminal cancer diagnosis. You have to take care of yourself. I should practice what I preach. People always ask me "what are you doing for you?". Uh....I go to bed a night and try to get 6-7 hours of sleep. That is about all I can do for "me" right now.
Take the time YOU need. You know what you need. Don't let anyone dictate or make you feel guilty for taking a day "off" for you. You'll be a better care-giver if you give yourself a little care now and then.
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Post by crazy4scraps on May 3, 2016 14:48:10 GMT
I don't think 9 / 365 days is a lot to give up for the needs of our partner. Would it be possible to bring your stitching or a small part of scrapping with you and do it while you're keeping him company in the hospital? I try and make decisions like this by asking myself "how would I feel if". In this case, it would be how would I feel if something happened during one of his treatments and he went into respiratory arrest and died (and I wasn't there). Could I live with myself then? I'm also curious to know how many of the peas above that said you're not being selfish would feel the same way if the situation were reversed. I could just imagine the thread -- I have to be in the hospital for 3 days for a treatment and my dh said he wanted to play golf on one of those days because he never gets any time to himself. He's always taking care of me or the kids or working to pay the bills. He said he just wants one day to do what he wants. I think the dh in that situation would be roundly cursed and called a selfish ba&tard. Been there, done that, and to be quite honest it wasn't a big deal at all. Being in the hospital as a visitor is boring as hell especially if the sick person is taking medication that makes them tired so all they're doing is sleeping anyway. I would much rather either have a variety of visitors coming through for short visits vs. my DH using up ALL of his vacation or sick time to sit there with me while I'm feeling miserable and tired. And if I'm being *really* honest, I would much rather just be left alone to rest! I'm fairly certain my DH feels the same way, he wants to be left alone. When he was in the hospital for his gall bladder, he was a BEAR to be around and he was miserable to everyone especially me! He was obnoxious, and I don't need to put up with that. I told him he'd better not ever get sick like that again because I will NOT go visit someone who is rude and acting like a jerk! Of course, it's an entirely different scenario if the person is gravely ill and might die. Then I could understand why someone might want visitors to hang around more in that case.
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Post by Lexica on May 3, 2016 15:04:57 GMT
I do not think you are being selfish at all. As mentioned up thread, a caretaker has to make sure they are taking care of themselves, or they end up no good to anyone.
I would suggest asking the people criticizing you what day they want to sign up to sit with your husband? Have a signup sheet and pass it around so that everyone gets to spend some time wth him. I would act as if you fully expected to "share the joy" with all the relatives and be surprised if they don't want to do it. That is the very thing they are doing to you, right?
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Post by whopea on May 3, 2016 16:17:03 GMT
I don't think 9 / 365 days is a lot to give up for the needs of our partner. Would it be possible to bring your stitching or a small part of scrapping with you and do it while you're keeping him company in the hospital? I try and make decisions like this by asking myself "how would I feel if". In this case, it would be how would I feel if something happened during one of his treatments and he went into respiratory arrest and died (and I wasn't there). Could I live with myself then? I'm also curious to know how many of the peas above that said you're not being selfish would feel the same way if the situation were reversed. I could just imagine the thread -- I have to be in the hospital for 3 days for a treatment and my dh said he wanted to play golf on one of those days because he never gets any time to himself. He's always taking care of me or the kids or working to pay the bills. He said he just wants one day to do what he wants. I think the dh in that situation would be roundly cursed and called a selfish ba&tard. Been there, done that, and to be quite honest it wasn't a big deal at all. Being in the hospital as a visitor is boring as hell especially if the sick person is taking medication that makes them tired so all they're doing is sleeping anyway. I would much rather either have a variety of visitors coming through for short visits vs. my DH using up ALL of his vacation or sick time to sit there with me while I'm feeling miserable and tired. And if I'm being *really* honest, I would much rather just be left alone to rest! I'm fairly certain my DH feels the same way, he wants to be left alone. When he was in the hospital for his gall bladder, he was a BEAR to be around and he was miserable to everyone especially me! He was obnoxious, and I don't need to put up with that. I told him he'd better not ever get sick like that again because I will NOT go visit someone who is rude and acting like a jerk! Of course, it's an entirely different scenario if the person is gravely ill and might die. Then I could understand why someone might want visitors to hang around more in that case. I respect your point of view. I took it that the OP's dh wanted her there and didn't want to be left alone. ETA: Something Becky Higgins wrote on her blog once has always resonated with me. It was: "The purpose of the task is to strengthen the relationship." It puts a different spin on those things we find hard to do, monotonous to do or simply unwilling to do.
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Post by pmm on May 3, 2016 16:37:14 GMT
I don't think 9 / 365 days is a lot to give up for the needs of our partner. Would it be possible to bring your stitching or a small part of scrapping with you and do it while you're keeping him company in the hospital? I try and make decisions like this by asking myself "how would I feel if". In this case, it would be how would I feel if something happened during one of his treatments and he went into respiratory arrest and died (and I wasn't there). Could I live with myself then? I'm also curious to know how many of the peas above that said you're not being selfish would feel the same way if the situation were reversed. I could just imagine the thread -- I have to be in the hospital for 3 days for a treatment and my dh said he wanted to play golf on one of those days because he never gets any time to himself. He's always taking care of me or the kids or working to pay the bills. He said he just wants one day to do what he wants. I think the dh in that situation would be roundly cursed and called a selfish ba&tard. I provide direct patient care in the hospital. I don't know your background and I don't mean to come across as mean or nasty. Just offering another side to ponder. You should also ask yourself if something were to happen and my loved one required resuscitation how would I be able to cope with the flurry of activity and watching the staff members provide the necessary interventions to save a life. Some of the things we do are very painful (chest compressions usually break ribs, difficulty obtaining IV access can result in placing special needles in a bone, etc). Not everyone is able to cope with this type of scenario. We usher family members out of the room and call a chaplain for them, but they still see the initial flurry as there are multiple people each doing a different job. I have met more than one person that would rather remember their loved one in better circumstances. To answer how I would feel if I were the sick one. I would want my spouse to call and check on me in the morning and evening. If I couldn't manage the trip home alone then I would want them to come and get me from the hospital when discharged. I would rather have them save their paid time off for their own illness, a vacation when I was better, or if I took a turn for the worse and they needed to be at the hospital.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on May 3, 2016 16:51:56 GMT
If there was anyway you could work remotely for part of the time I would be looking into that.
I would also talk to my husband about taking some breaks.. maybe meet a friend for lunch or take a walk so that you are not stuck indoors all day.
Is there anyone you could ask to help out?
If your husband was a relative or close friend I would happily sit with him for a day, giving you a break.
Not selfish at all.
Personally I would start with my employer. Then I would look to family or friends who might be able to help.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 28, 2024 22:21:23 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2016 16:59:41 GMT
Bit of background info first, my husband has a lung condition which means he has to go to a hospital in London for treatment. We live in the Midlands (UK) so it's 2 train journeys then 2 tube journeys each way. He has to stay in hospital 3 days each time. He had only been in once so far, (last week) but has to go in again in a fortnight a time. He will prob have to goin again once or twice again this year for treatment. He expects me to go with him & spend the full day in hospital with him each day. So that's 8am till 8pm 3 days running stuck indoors with no windows. That's not the problem, I understand he doesn't want to be there & would be lonely spending all that time alone. As I work full time this means I will be using up prob all of my years holiday entitlement inside a hospital with him. So, my question is (and thanks to everyone who's stuck with me so far) Am I being selfish wanting to have just 1 day of my holiday entitlement this year for me? No running around after everyone else, just time for me to scrap or stitch or just sit on the sofa watching daytime tv. I spend so much time running around not just after my husband but the rest of his family too. All I am asking for is one day out of a whole year, but they are making me feel so guilty for even suggesting it. Apologies again for the length of this thread! Take more than one day! And STOP running around for the rest of them! That is where the entitlement is coming from. YOu have absolute RIGHT to speind every single holiday you have EARNED in the way you want to spend it. I would want to spend it with my dh, and that seems to be your desire as well. But stop running around the appease the rest of them.
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azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755
Jun 25, 2014 22:49:18 GMT
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Post by azredhead on May 3, 2016 17:21:39 GMT
As someone who has day trips to Mayo clinic I totally understand. How does he feel about it? That's how I would decide. My DH wants to be there all the time if he can but I don't even mind it if he drops me off and then comes back when we see the doctor. Cause alot of the time it's going in and out of tests and I feel bad for making anyone else sit there. It's really boring. Otherwise DH will go to the cafeteria or somewhere quite and work on school or watch movies. If you don't do it while he's in there do it after. But definitely do it. It's good for your sanity and his. If they (His family) dont' get it that's not your worry.
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,956
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on May 3, 2016 17:37:18 GMT
Pssst, can I let you in on my little secret? When I know that my SO and daughter are going to be gone, I take the day off to just veg!!! This last time I took the day off, he and his daughter went camping with school. I had A WHOLE DAY AND NIGHT to myself!! I was giddy with glee. I need the time alone. It's not for everyone, my SO doesn't like to take a day alone. If you need it, do it. Don't feel guilty. Hey, don't even tell anyone your taking the day off.
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,956
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on May 3, 2016 17:43:02 GMT
I'm also curious to know how many of the peas above that said you're not being selfish would feel the same way if the situation were reversed My thought is this, if I had to spend 3 days in the hospital bored, I certainly would not ask my SO to spend those same 3 days bored with me. If this is not life threatening. If it's critical, then YES. I am not sure what your DH stay includes, but for me, I would have a hobby I could do (crocheting, coloring). I could read. I could do games (on phone or crosswords in a book). Watch TV. If possible, go for walks.
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Post by anniefb on May 3, 2016 18:22:06 GMT
I have a child with a chronic illness. I have been told by many of his doctors that I need to 'put my own air mask on first' in order to be effective for him. It's hard. But I'm trying. And you should too. We can't be effective when we are so drained. Put your air mask on, then take care of him. Not selfish at all. It's hard to continually fill up others when your own bucket is empty. Hugs to you! Yep, totally agree.
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Post by krc11 on May 3, 2016 18:43:35 GMT
I agree with the other posters. You need time to yourself. Enlisted those family members to be with him at the hospital. If that's not possible (maybe due to travel), then enlist those family members to sit with him when he is at home so you can have time/days to yourself.
And shut off or shut down all the running around for the family members. A quick "I can't do such n such for you, because I need to spend that time being with my husband" should be sufficient. If they really need you for something ONLY you can do, well, then it's barter time. Your time helping them with whatever -- for their time spent with your husband so you have some free time.
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Post by mrsovy on May 3, 2016 19:35:31 GMT
Thank you all for your comments, I didn't expect such a large response! I think deep down I know that using just one day of my holiday time just for me is not being selfish but it's great to be validated.
I honestly don't begrudge spending the full 3 days in the hospital with my husband, he has to carry an oxygen cylinder around going from one end of the hospital to the other for various tests and is not allowed to go on his own, so it's either me or they make him go in a wheelchair while a porter pushes him around. He hates this as he says he is capable of walking & feels such a fraud.
It's just everyone saying I must keep all my holiday entitlement to use for hospital visits, it just got me deeling down for a bit.
My husband & I have talked and he is aware of how it was too much asking me to stay with him the entire time so has said when we go back in a couple of weeks I am to take myself off for a few hours each day to explore and get some fresh air, which is fantastic.
Thank you all again x
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Post by disneypal on May 3, 2016 20:16:20 GMT
No, you are not being selfish for wanting a holiday to yourself. Of course not - and you are entitled to that.
I can understand why just sitting there with your DH is not your idea of a good time, but with that being said, I would try to put myself in my DH's shoes. I'm sure if the tables were turned, you would want someone with you as well. Sometimes we make sacrifices.
It stinks, I know.
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AmeliaBloomer
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,842
Location: USA
Jun 26, 2014 5:01:45 GMT
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Post by AmeliaBloomer on May 3, 2016 21:08:23 GMT
I'm also curious to know how many of the peas above that said you're not being selfish would feel the same way if the situation were reversed. I could just imagine the thread -- I have to be in the hospital for 3 days for a treatment and my dh said he wanted to play golf on one of those days because he never gets any time to himself. He's always taking care of me or the kids or working to pay the bills. He said he just wants one day to do what he wants. I think the dh in that situation would be roundly cursed and called a selfish ba&tard. Choosing to use a vacation day to play while your spouse is in the hospital would indeed be odd, but I didn't get the idea the the OP meant she wants to go play WHILE her husband is in the hospital. Instead, she would work some/all of the hospital days, leaving some vacation days for non-hospital days. Later. Which sounds like a good plan to me.
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Post by scrapmaven on May 3, 2016 21:56:12 GMT
I'm trying really hard to get my dh to understand the concept of "caretaker take care of yourself first". He refuses to put himself first, ever and I almost need him to do so. Taking care of a sick loved one is hard work both emotionally and physically. You're not at all selfish. You need to recharge or you'll burn out and then you'll get sick. For both of your sakes as well as that of your family you need to take time to do your favorite things, too. When the hospital is a regular occurrence the entire family needs to learn to make life as normal as possible. Be kind to yourself or you'll start to resent dh.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 28, 2024 22:21:23 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2016 22:48:40 GMT
When I used to work full time, the companies that I worked for gave us sick time and vacation time. You were able to use your sick time to care for a family member which was nice because you weren't burning through all your vacation time. I would imagine that it would be pretty stressful for those who don't have that option. Mrsovy, for those hospital trips, would it be possible to take time off unpaid vs. using your vacation time?
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Post by AussieMeg on May 4, 2016 1:09:38 GMT
I'm also curious to know how many of the peas above that said you're not being selfish would feel the same way if the situation were reversed. I could just imagine the thread -- I have to be in the hospital for 3 days for a treatment and my dh said he wanted to play golf on one of those days because he never gets any time to himself. He's always taking care of me or the kids or working to pay the bills. He said he just wants one day to do what he wants. I think the dh in that situation would be roundly cursed and called a selfish ba&tard. Well personally I couldn't think of anything worse than having to sit with my DSO - or anyone for that matter - for 3 whole days if I was in hospital. I would much prefer to read or Pea or Facebook or watch TV. So no, I wouldn't be calling the husband in your scenario a selfish bastard.
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Post by Really Red on May 4, 2016 3:52:21 GMT
Of course you're not being selfish, but I can easily see where and why you feel guilty. Who wouldn't?
As others said, it's important for you to feel whole. That sounds like a small thing, but if all your husband needed was 6 days from you, you'd be happy to give it. It's not that! It's the myriad other things!
As someone who has a hard time saying now and can't say no to my (young) kids, I have learned to say no to adults. It is HARD. You feel like [poo poo], but you need to be able to breathe.
I'd do a compromise and go once with him and let him go alone the other time. I'd let him go alone the first time and go the second time, if that were the choice.
Good luck to you. It's not a great choice, but you need it!!!
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PLurker
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,790
Location: Behind the Cheddar Curtain
Jun 28, 2014 3:48:49 GMT
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Post by PLurker on May 4, 2016 3:58:10 GMT
Not being selfish. And as I have been on the flip side with extended stay in hospital, didn't expect constant visits and actually preferred it that way. If I'm bad enough off to be in hospital I prefer to rest and have doctors and nurses watch over me. Let me know you're thinking of me is good enough. Unless I'm on borrowed time, then hang around to say and hear what needs to be said. Otherwise feel free to basically leave me alone.
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