eleezybeth
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Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on May 14, 2016 23:31:22 GMT
FIL and his girlfriend of 6 years are getting married. FIL is a divorcee (MIL) and a widower (26 years/cancer). Girlfriend is a divorcee and has lived alone for 15 years. They are joining their households, and have recently bought a new house together. They need nothing, they've asked for no gifts at the wedding. But, as his only son, DH thinks we need some sort of recognition or welcome to the family gift. We can hide the gift behind a housewarming gift since they don't want wedding gifts. I should say, the note for no gifts please was handwritten on our invitation. FIL knows we are out a shit ton of money to come to the wedding and I'm sure he wrote it on there because of that. Yet, we are going, we'd like to gift appropriately. The loss of MIL is still a very sore spot. She was an awesome person and somehow this wedding highlights she isn't here anymore. I think we need him to move on too but it hurts. I think we also need a gift that says, okay, time goes on, welcome to the family (and we've never not invited g-friend in 6 years!! She has always been invited and included.) I was thinking this crock. link I could have it shipped to a family member there and plant it with perennials. It would mean I was potting it in the garden center parking lot though. Or I could give it empty. I haven't seen the new house and I have no idea if it would fit. Her style is a bit wacky and all over the place but she has some traditional stuff in there. She also loves to garden. Or this rock. link But what to write on it. When two adults in their 60s get married do we call that a family?? LOL! I'm only joking but it does feel a little weird to think of this as a new family. They like to golf but between the two of them there is nothing golf related they need or I would be qualified to pick out. They love their dogs (4!). She has one grandkid and I have the rest of the grandkids. I could try to get something grandkid related. If I had more time or lived there, I'd love to make a planter with the handprints but the grand baby lives with mom and that divorce wasn't exactly friendly so access to the kid with literally no time makes it difficult. I have thought about a consumable gift but that doesn't seem to send the right message of welcome to our family. I obviously need some help! |
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quiltz
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Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on May 14, 2016 23:42:05 GMT
If they have expressed their wishes for 'no gifts', please respect that.
Find or make a card that expresses your well wishes for their new life together. Maybe at Christmas or another gift giving occasion you can give them a gift.
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Post by leannec on May 14, 2016 23:53:33 GMT
Rachael Ray had a really cool thing on the other day ... it was a monogrammed cutting board ... check amazon  |
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Post by boatymcboatface on May 14, 2016 23:55:28 GMT
If your DH thinks you need a gift I would give them a GC to a restaurant or maybe a garden/plant shop
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:07:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 14, 2016 23:57:09 GMT
For a house warming I don't see a consumable to be a problem. Maybe set them up for a wine of the month club for six months or a year?
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kate
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Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on May 15, 2016 0:13:48 GMT
How about a bottle of champagne and two nice champagne flutes?
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likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879
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Post by likescarrots on May 15, 2016 0:32:27 GMT
FIL and his girlfriend of 6 years are getting married. FIL is a divorcee (MIL) and a widower (26 years/cancer). Girlfriend is a divorcee and has lived alone for 15 years. They are joining their households, and have recently bought a new house together. They need nothing, they've asked for no gifts at the wedding. But, as his only son, DH thinks we need some sort of recognition or welcome to the family gift. We can hide the gift behind a housewarming gift since they don't want wedding gifts. I should say, the note for no gifts please was handwritten on our invitation. FIL knows we are out a shit ton of money to come to the wedding and I'm sure he wrote it on there because of that. Yet, we are going, we'd like to gift appropriately. The loss of MIL is still a very sore spot. She was an awesome person and somehow this wedding highlights she isn't here anymore. I think we need him to move on too but it hurts. I think we also need a gift that says, okay, time goes on, welcome to the family (and we've never not invited g-friend in 6 years!! She has always been invited and included.) I was thinking this crock. link I could have it shipped to a family member there and plant it with perennials. It would mean I was potting it in the garden center parking lot though. Or I could give it empty. I haven't seen the new house and I have no idea if it would fit. Her style is a bit wacky and all over the place but she has some traditional stuff in there. She also loves to garden. Or this rock. link But what to write on it. When two adults in their 60s get married do we call that a family?? LOL! I'm only joking but it does feel a little weird to think of this as a new family.
They like to golf but between the two of them there is nothing golf related they need or I would be qualified to pick out. They love their dogs (4!). She has one grandkid and I have the rest of the grandkids. I could try to get something grandkid related. If I had more time or lived there, I'd love to make a planter with the handprints but the grand baby lives with mom and that divorce wasn't exactly friendly so access to the kid with literally no time makes it difficult. I have thought about a consumable gift but that doesn't seem to send the right message of welcome to our family. I obviously need some help! I know you said 'lol I'm only joking' ...but what a crappy thing to say. |
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eleezybeth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,784
Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on May 15, 2016 0:37:54 GMT
If they have expressed their wishes for 'no gifts', please respect that. Yeah... that's my MO. It's not really working for DH and he is probably right. The way it was scribbled on the announcement was FIL's way of trying to save us. This is one of those family situations that will be forever talked about as how "we got married and they didn't even give us a gift." It's family. It's complicated. I can't really explain it clearer than that. No alcohol. FIL is down a kidney. Rachael Ray had a really cool thing on the other day ... it was a monogrammed cutting board ... check amazon  Oooh! That might be a great idea. Thank you. If your DH thinks you need a gift I would give them a GC to a restaurant or maybe a garden/plant shop I might float that idea. Usually gift cards are a faux pas in the fam. But we are coming quite a distance! |
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eleezybeth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,784
Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on May 15, 2016 0:44:28 GMT
FIL and his girlfriend of 6 years are getting married. FIL is a divorcee (MIL) and a widower (26 years/cancer). Girlfriend is a divorcee and has lived alone for 15 years. They are joining their households, and have recently bought a new house together. They need nothing, they've asked for no gifts at the wedding. But, as his only son, DH thinks we need some sort of recognition or welcome to the family gift. We can hide the gift behind a housewarming gift since they don't want wedding gifts. I should say, the note for no gifts please was handwritten on our invitation. FIL knows we are out a shit ton of money to come to the wedding and I'm sure he wrote it on there because of that. Yet, we are going, we'd like to gift appropriately. The loss of MIL is still a very sore spot. She was an awesome person and somehow this wedding highlights she isn't here anymore. I think we need him to move on too but it hurts. I think we also need a gift that says, okay, time goes on, welcome to the family (and we've never not invited g-friend in 6 years!! She has always been invited and included.) I was thinking this crock. link I could have it shipped to a family member there and plant it with perennials. It would mean I was potting it in the garden center parking lot though. Or I could give it empty. I haven't seen the new house and I have no idea if it would fit. Her style is a bit wacky and all over the place but she has some traditional stuff in there. She also loves to garden. Or this rock. link But what to write on it. When two adults in their 60s get married do we call that a family?? LOL! I'm only joking but it does feel a little weird to think of this as a new family.
They like to golf but between the two of them there is nothing golf related they need or I would be qualified to pick out. They love their dogs (4!). She has one grandkid and I have the rest of the grandkids. I could try to get something grandkid related. If I had more time or lived there, I'd love to make a planter with the handprints but the grand baby lives with mom and that divorce wasn't exactly friendly so access to the kid with literally no time makes it difficult. I have thought about a consumable gift but that doesn't seem to send the right message of welcome to our family. I obviously need some help! I know you said 'lol I'm only joking' ...but what a crappy thing to say. Actually it's not. Think about it. They aren't creating a family in a traditional sense. They are creating a legal relationship. They aren't going to be having children. There are no expectations that their children are going to be siblings. They have already been together awhile and this hasn't created a family. It is a relationship. Too see the word "Smith Family" on something seems odd. Is this a family? Is this a relationship? I don't know and it seems weird. Sorry if that hits a sore spot for you but since this thread is about me, my thoughts and feelings on the situation are valid. |
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Post by nicole2112 on May 15, 2016 0:47:30 GMT
Track down that cutting board. Great idea, that.
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Post by freecharlie on May 15, 2016 0:58:43 GMT
Actually it's not. Think about it. They aren't creating a family in a traditional sense. They are creating a legal relationship. They aren't going to be having children. There are no expectations that their children are going to be siblings Holy shit, really? So they aren't a family? What about people who never have children and never planned to, even if they married in their 20s, are they not a family? Both the original quote and this one is incredibly crappy. Sorry you don't feel like they will be a family. I think you should forgo the gift since they asked you not to gift them. |
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Post by boatymcboatface on May 15, 2016 1:01:07 GMT
I know you said 'lol I'm only joking' ...but what a crappy thing to say. Actually it's not. Think about it. They aren't creating a family in a traditional sense. They are creating a legal relationship. They aren't going to be having children. There are no expectations that their children are going to be siblings. They have already been together awhile and this hasn't created a family. It is a relationship. Too see the word "Smith Family" on something seems odd. Is this a family? Is this a relationship? I don't know and it seems weird. Sorry if that hits a sore spot for you but since this thread is about me, my thoughts and feelings on the situation are valid. I think a married couple without their own children still constitute a family, even if they marry older. I think families are people who are bound together in this way and married couples are included in this number no matter their age or ability to reproduce |
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Post by freecharlie on May 15, 2016 1:03:34 GMT
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eleezybeth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,784
Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on May 15, 2016 1:18:32 GMT
Actually it's not. Think about it. They aren't creating a family in a traditional sense. They are creating a legal relationship. They aren't going to be having children. There are no expectations that their children are going to be siblings Holy shit, really? So they aren't a family? What about people who never have children and never planned to, even if they married in their 20s, are they not a family? Both the original quote and this one is incredibly crappy. Sorry you don't feel like they will be a family. I think you should forgo the gift since they asked you not to gift them. Really? Can you all dial back the drama for just a minute? Put this into some perspective if you can. They are two nearly 67+ year old people getting married. But, yes, by all means, let's get hung up on this. You see it one way which I can see. Try seeing it my way so you can dial your outrage back. The use of the word "Family" seems weird to me. I'm glad it works for you. We aren't indifferent to her. We gift her, we invite her, she is part of him. She is not a grandmother to our children - per her wish. She is not a step-mother to my DH - because a 40 y.o. man doesn't need a new one. Nothing is really going to change that hasn't been going on for 6 years. Does that mean she was family 6 years ago? Nothing is changing but its legally a marriage. To call it a family seems weird. Not impossible, just weird. Not a slam on them at all. Just weird. They are couple. Not a family. She will legally be part of the family but to see them as a family is just weird. It isn't outrage worthy. |
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Post by pierogi on May 15, 2016 1:23:16 GMT
Actually it's not. Think about it. They aren't creating a family in a traditional sense. They are creating a legal relationship. They aren't going to be having children. There are no expectations that their children are going to be siblings. They have already been together awhile and this hasn't created a family. It is a relationship. Too see the word "Smith Family" on something seems odd. Is this a family? Is this a relationship? I don't know and it seems weird. Sorry if that hits a sore spot for you but since this thread is about me, my thoughts and feelings on the situation are valid. I think a married couple without their own children still constitute a family, even if they marry older. I think families are people who are bound together in this way and married couples are included in this number no matter their age or ability to reproduce As someone who just celebrated my 15th anniversary with my husband and no children due to infertility: thank you! Seriously, I hate that people think this. It's both incredibly hurtful and not true. |
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IAmUnoriginal
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Jun 25, 2014 23:27:45 GMT
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Post by IAmUnoriginal on May 15, 2016 1:27:23 GMT
etsy.me/1Xb996OIf that link will work, I bought an engraved cutting board through them for my sister-in-law. It was beautiful. She loves it. If it doesn't work, the shop is "The Cutting Board Shop". I picked up a display stand for it, and it is diplayed on her kitchen counter.
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eleezybeth
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Posts: 2,784
Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on May 15, 2016 1:32:09 GMT
I think a married couple without their own children still constitute a family, even if they marry older. I think families are people who are bound together in this way and married couples are included in this number no matter their age or ability to reproduce As someone who just celebrated my 15th anniversary with my husband and no children due to infertility: thank you! Seriously, I hate that people think this. It's both incredibly hurtful and not true. That certainly was not my intention. I was trying to describe THE situation with MY FIL. Not your situation. I am sorry that I have offended you. As a couple that had issues with infertility, the not so lovely experience with infant loss and IVF I can understand how hurtful that might seem. I'm sorry. I was trying to explain why in this situation the idea of seeing the word "Family" was weird. I apologize that I failed to do that and caused you pain. Sadly, I can't seem to explain myself without being deemed a monster so I shall stop trying. Screw the gift. I'll just brand anything with the word family and it'll be a success. I appreciate the feedback. |
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eleezybeth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,784
Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on May 15, 2016 1:33:53 GMT
etsy.me/1Xb996OIf that link will work, I bought an engraved cutting board through them for my sister-in-law. It was beautiful. She loves it. If it doesn't work, the shop is "The Cutting Board Shop". I picked up a display stand for it, and it is diplayed on her kitchen counter. My goodness! Some of those are beautifully intricate! TFS! |
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freebird
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'cause I'm free as a bird now
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Post by freebird on May 15, 2016 1:40:52 GMT
I know you said 'lol I'm only joking' ...but what a crappy thing to say. Actually it's not. Think about it. They aren't creating a family in a traditional sense. They are creating a legal relationship. They aren't going to be having children. There are no expectations that their children are going to be siblings. They have already been together awhile and this hasn't created a family. It is a relationship. Too see the word "Smith Family" on something seems odd. Is this a family? Is this a relationship? I don't know and it seems weird. Sorry if that hits a sore spot for you but since this thread is about me, my thoughts and feelings on the situation are valid. 
Yeah, no offense but families come in all shapes and sizes. I don't appreciate someone telling me that my husband and I aren't a "real family" because I didn't squeeze out a kid at 40 with him.
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Post by bothmykidsrbrats on May 15, 2016 2:31:40 GMT
I think the garden stone would be a sweet wedding/house warming gift. Since you aren't comfortable with family how about Lastname Home est. 2017, or Mr. & Mrs. Lastname and their wedding date?
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:07:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2016 2:43:16 GMT
I personally don't like the rock because it reminds me of a grave marker for some reason. Do they drink? Nice bottle of champagne?
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Post by peatlejuice on May 15, 2016 2:49:08 GMT
As someone who just celebrated my 15th anniversary with my husband and no children due to infertility: thank you! Seriously, I hate that people think this. It's both incredibly hurtful and not true. Sadly, I can't seem to explain myself without being deemed a monster so I shall stop trying. Screw the gift. I'll just brand anything with the word family and it'll be a success. I appreciate the feedback. Monster, no. You are kind of being petulant on this thread, though. For the record, I do understand what you were trying to say. However, regardless of whether you consider her family, your FIL clearly does consider her family. But having said that, your FIL says no gifts, and your DH doesn't think you should get a gift (or at least that is my understanding of your posts). Follow their lead on this one. |
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likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879
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Post by likescarrots on May 15, 2016 3:10:11 GMT
I know you said 'lol I'm only joking' ...but what a crappy thing to say. Actually it's not. Think about it. They aren't creating a family in a traditional sense. They are creating a legal relationship. They aren't going to be having children. There are no expectations that their children are going to be siblings. They have already been together awhile and this hasn't created a family. It is a relationship. Too see the word "Smith Family" on something seems odd. Is this a family? Is this a relationship? I don't know and it seems weird. Sorry if that hits a sore spot for you but since this thread is about me, my thoughts and feelings on the situation are valid. Oh, now I see. So you weren't joking after all, you're just an asshole. |
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eleezybeth
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Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on May 15, 2016 10:47:32 GMT
Actually it's not. Think about it. They aren't creating a family in a traditional sense. They are creating a legal relationship. They aren't going to be having children. There are no expectations that their children are going to be siblings. They have already been together awhile and this hasn't created a family. It is a relationship. Too see the word "Smith Family" on something seems odd. Is this a family? Is this a relationship? I don't know and it seems weird. Sorry if that hits a sore spot for you but since this thread is about me, my thoughts and feelings on the situation are valid. Oh, now I see. So you weren't joking after all, you're just an asshole. No, I was joking. I found it silly to even have the thought. Of course a marriage makes them family legally (I think. Not sure the legal definition). But it is weird to use the word family for ME based on their situation, and other information. Then, I got told I was crappy. And I got told I was offensive. And as I tried to explain it I pissed people off. So now, I'm a petulant asshole who still needs a gift idea because I was trying to show some sort of care. Families come in all shapes and sizes. Not all are based on marriage. Not all are based on love. If this event (of which I have not even told you how it was thrown together quickly and seemingly out of the blue) is the only way we get to call her family or that they are a family something is actually wrong here. They've been together a long time. Why wasn't she worthy of a "family" branded planter 4 - 6 years ago? Hell, she's had a life insurance policy on the guy for the last 5. Why does this now create the concept of family? Nothing is changing except they are sharing taxes, she gets the next of kin designator over my DH, and they are moving in together. So weird to me? Yes. Weird for you? No, obviously. Please, by all means continue to call me names, continue to see this situation from the lens of your own world, continue to judge, and I'll continue to know my own heart. |
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Post by Suziee2 on May 15, 2016 15:06:10 GMT
I like the crock. Put a plant in it and call it a housewarming gift. They should easily be able to find a spot for it outside. A great way to recognize that she is a part of the family.
I do love the cutting boards but to me it needs to be "displayed" and they may not have the perfect spot for it.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:07:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2016 15:50:56 GMT
I get how the OP feels that calling this the "XYZ Family" is awkward to her... older adults, multiple marriages between them, couple's adult children aren't involved in each others lives, couple already had "family" label though various stages of their lives, etc. OP, it sounds like you were also close to MIL and this might also cloud how you feel about calling this marriage a family. In the grand scheme of things, you care enough to buy a gift and I think that's nice. Also that FIL and new MIL have chosen to marry is a testament that life continues and happiness still awaits even when one chapter closes. Best wishes to the new couple and their new blended family.
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Post by welshjenni on May 15, 2016 18:00:27 GMT
Just a thought - you said that you hadn't seen the new house so wasn't sure if the style of the crock would fit, could you check out the property listing? That may give you a guide.
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quiltz
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Posts: 7,086
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on May 15, 2016 18:09:07 GMT
Hell, she's had a life insurance policy on the guy for the last 5. Why does this now create the concept of family? Nothing is changing except they are sharing taxes, she gets the next of kin designator over my DH, and they are moving in together. So weird to me? Yes. Weird for you? No, obviously. Please, by all means continue to call me names, continue to see this situation from the lens of your own world, continue to judge, and I'll continue to know my own heart. This statement makes your feelings clearer. She is now the "next of kin" and not your DH. Yes, that is what happens in life. Wishing your FIL & his new spouse a happy marriage. I also realise that you were very fond of your former MIL and are still grieving her loss. Life moves on, your FIL is an adult and he wants to be happy. With both of them in their mid 60's, they could still have a long marriage and a lot of time to enjoy their lives. |
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eleezybeth
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Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on May 15, 2016 18:19:27 GMT
Hell, she's had a life insurance policy on the guy for the last 5. Why does this now create the concept of family? Nothing is changing except they are sharing taxes, she gets the next of kin designator over my DH, and they are moving in together. So weird to me? Yes. Weird for you? No, obviously. Please, by all means continue to call me names, continue to see this situation from the lens of your own world, continue to judge, and I'll continue to know my own heart. This statement makes your feelings clearer. She is now the "next of kin" and not your DH. Yes, that is what happens in life. Wishing your FIL & his new spouse a happy marriage. I also realise that you were very fond of your former MIL and are still grieving her loss. Life moves on, your FIL is an adult and he wants to be happy. With both of them in their mid 60's, they could still have a long marriage and a lot of time to enjoy their lives. Please. Don't extrapolate data that is not there. They are simply the facts of the things that will change because the legal marriage and the buying of a house. They prove my point that there aren't that many things that are changing - only 3?? Whether I like her or not is not an issue and certainly not going to change anything at this point. Nor has it changed anything in the last 6 years! FIL's happiness is always what mattered. One of us took his dating website pic and I don't think that was you... Thank you for sharing your gift idea. |
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Post by Darcy Collins on May 15, 2016 18:27:13 GMT
I think if you can't respect their request for no gifts, you should at least pick something that doesn't need to be displayed. I don't really care for the crock or the rock (I agree that it has a headstone vibe that I don't think is great for the 60+ crowd). I don't love the cutting board either - but then I really don't like a lot of decorative stuff and frankly hate it when people buy me stuff and expect me to display it - I'm just not a knickknack person and the decorative items I like to include in my house, I prefer to choose myself.
If you're traveling to the wedding, what about hosting them for a breakfast/lunch/dinner to welcome her into the family. Are they going on a honeymoon where you could add an activity/dinner to that. Or you could buy them a few rounds of golf to enjoy.
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