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Post by krc11 on May 16, 2016 18:05:15 GMT
Back story, my DH retired in December. I still work -- long hours. He has taken on cooking. And I'm getting up after dinner, putting my dishes in the dishwasher and leaving the kitchen. Leaving the pans to him. He will leave them to morning. I resist the urge to wash them in the morning before I go to work (well, 9 days out of 10). I spent the last 30 years being the person washing the pans after dinner. He's retired. I work. That's my justification.
I feel horrible... sometimes. I'm sure he never even thought about it.
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Deleted
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May 21, 2024 3:54:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2016 18:08:43 GMT
We've tried to keep the rule of whoever cooks doesn't have to cleanup regardless of who is working and who isn't. But that doesn't always happen.... But we are pretty good about helping each other out.
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Post by Delta Dawn on May 16, 2016 18:11:54 GMT
I do 99% of the cooking. The other 1% is either restaurant or take out. I do the dishes after dinner, too. I will NOT do dishes in the AM for any reason. I will NOT unload the dishwasher or touch a dish on the counter. Sorry, I cooked, I cleaned up the night before, someone else can do it. The dishwasher needs emptying...I am waiting.
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Post by padresfan619 on May 16, 2016 18:14:06 GMT
We also have the rule that whoever cooks doesn't have to clean up, but the person who cooks is also expected to clean up some of the mess along the way. When I cook I try to have all of the knives, cutting boards, and other small stuff out of the way and in the dishwasher so my husband only has to do the pans and the plates we've eaten off of.
If he tries to leave the dishes overnight I have to clean them up before I go to bed. I can't stand to have dirty dishes out when I wake up in the morning. He used to get upset when I would do it, thinking I was mad at him for not doing the dishes, but really I am just tempering my own idiosyncrasy about needing a clean kitchen in the morning!
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quiltz
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Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on May 16, 2016 18:14:16 GMT
Back story, my DH retired in December. I still work -- long hours. He has taken on cooking. And I'm getting up after dinner, putting my dishes in the dishwasher and leaving the kitchen. Leaving the pans to him. He will leave them to morning. I resist the urge to wash them in the morning before I go to work (well, 9 days out of 10). I spent the last 30 years being the person washing the pans after dinner. He's retired. I work. That's my justification.
I feel horrible... sometimes. I'm sure he never even thought about it. He dosn't get it. Stay strong. Perhaps a sit-down together and writing on paper will maje him realise what to do. I would do a pie chart, divided into 24 segments for each hour of the day. Be generous and put in the hours you should be sleeping, your commute & your work hours. Then mark in the hours that are left for other stuff, like doctor, denist etc appointment. Do a similar one for your dh. You could put in his sleeping hours & let him fill out the rest. Hopefully there will be a 'light bulb' moment for him. Good luck & don't feel quilty.
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smartypants71
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Jun 25, 2014 22:47:49 GMT
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Post by smartypants71 on May 16, 2016 18:18:39 GMT
I clean as I go, so the pans get washed before we eat. Everyone else should rinse their own plate and put it in the dishwasher. That said, I don't mind doing the dishes. It is important that no dishes go unwashed before bed. I need a clean kitchen by morning!
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Post by KelleeM on May 16, 2016 18:28:52 GMT
My Dh retired the day we got married. He's 68, I'm 54 and have many years of work remaining. He cooks Monday thru Thursday and I do absolutely NO clean up. He cleaned up after me yesterday when I made Swedish meatballs, potato salad and grilled chicken wings. He also does all of the laundry and other household chores. My job is to go to work. He is awesome and I am grateful.
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Post by krc11 on May 16, 2016 18:46:23 GMT
I tried for years to do the whomever cooks-the other cleans for decades. He never got it. He was more than willing to "help me" if I asked. And when I did ask, he'd wait until later, which his later nearly always came after my couldn't-stand-it anymore. This is a learning process. He's learning how to do it (and I'm not going to dictate when he should do his clean up). If morning works for him, so be it. I'm learning how to walk away and not help. Of course, I'd be willing to "help" if he asked.
When I cook, because I do use lots and lots of things when I cook. And I don't like the mountain of stuff to be cleaned after dinner.
The ants were running over the countertops as I left for work this morning. Maybe that will remind him that he's supposed to have either exterminated or called an exterminator for 3 weeks now.
I'm trying to stay strong...
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Post by krc11 on May 16, 2016 18:47:10 GMT
My Dh retired the day we got married. He's 68, I'm 54 and have many years of work remaining. He cooks Monday thru Thursday and I do absolutely NO clean up. He cleaned up after me yesterday when I made Swedish meatballs, potato salad and grilled chicken wings. He also does all of the laundry and other household chores. My job is to go to work. He is awesome and I am grateful. You have a lot to be grateful for! Happy for you!
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used2scrap
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Jan 29, 2016 3:02:55 GMT
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Post by used2scrap on May 16, 2016 18:50:44 GMT
So you used to cook and do the dishes...now he's cooking, and doing the dishes, but not on your time line? Not sure what you need to stay strong about, but it does sound like an open conversation about new expectations might be in order?
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Post by zztop11 on May 16, 2016 18:52:18 GMT
Back story, my DH retired in December. I still work -- long hours. He has taken on cooking. And I'm getting up after dinner, putting my dishes in the dishwasher and leaving the kitchen. Leaving the pans to him. He will leave them to morning. I resist the urge to wash them in the morning before I go to work (well, 9 days out of 10). I spent the last 30 years being the person washing the pans after dinner. He's retired. I work. That's my justification.
I feel horrible... sometimes. I'm sure he never even thought about it. You need to talk with him. Maybe he feels that since the day is "over" after dinner, he'll just wait and do them in the morning. Not to sound bitc-y about this, but you sound resentful. He may not even know how you feel about this. I certainly know how good it feels when the kitchen is clean, but I also understand what you want. He may not.
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Post by littlemama on May 16, 2016 18:54:57 GMT
Have you discussed this with him or are you being passive aggressive by just walking away after dinner? In our family, he who cooks does not do dishes, but we both work full time.
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Post by Basket1lady on May 16, 2016 18:59:23 GMT
I'm a SAHM. I do most of the cooking--DH will try to make something on the weekend, but seldom gets an entree, side and vegetable together, so I'll pitch in. Most nights when he is home, we clean up the kitchen together, along with DD (17) if she is home. If something needs to soak, DH will usually scrub it out in the morning when he gets up. If I've done a big cooking day, I'll let them clean up, but really that's when DD talks the most, so I try to make it a family thing.
Once a month, I do a big cooking day, making dinners for the month. It's a huge mess and I try to clean up as I go along. But a lot of days the big pots and pans get cleaned the next day. Hopefully DH doesn't think I'm a total slacker!
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Post by bc2ca on May 16, 2016 19:00:54 GMT
I tried for years to do the whomever cooks-the other cleans for decades. He never got it. He was more than willing to "help me" if I asked. And when I did ask, he'd wait until later, which his later nearly always came after my couldn't-stand-it anymore. This is a learning process. He's learning how to do it (and I'm not going to dictate when he should do his clean up). If morning works for him, so be it. I'm learning how to walk away and not help. Of course, I'd be willing to "help" if he asked. When I cook, because I do use lots and lots of things when I cook. And I don't like the mountain of stuff to be cleaned after dinner. The ants were running over the countertops as I left for work this morning. Maybe that will remind him that he's supposed to have either exterminated or called an exterminator for 3 weeks now. I'm trying to stay strong… I'm not clear from this or your OP if you have an agreement or he knows you expect him to do the clean up? The doing them at night or in the morning is an on going issue in our house. I like them done within an hour after eating, usually right away. Since the kids have taken over that chore I bight my tongue because they will leave it as long as they can and occassionally forget until the next morning. Gah! We deal with ants invading a couple of times a year and there is no way I could have left the house with them running all over the countertops!?
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Post by krc11 on May 16, 2016 19:02:22 GMT
So you used to cook and do the dishes...now he's cooking, and doing the dishes, but not on your time line? Not sure what you need to stay strong about, but it does sound like an open conversation about new expectations might be in order? Umm, I believe I did say that when he wanted to do them he was free to do. I don't get your negative comment. I was commenting on shifting roles and it's obviously going to come from my point of view since I'm the poster.
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Post by krc11 on May 16, 2016 19:06:33 GMT
Back story, my DH retired in December. I still work -- long hours. He has taken on cooking. And I'm getting up after dinner, putting my dishes in the dishwasher and leaving the kitchen. Leaving the pans to him. He will leave them to morning. I resist the urge to wash them in the morning before I go to work (well, 9 days out of 10). I spent the last 30 years being the person washing the pans after dinner. He's retired. I work. That's my justification.
I feel horrible... sometimes. I'm sure he never even thought about it. You need to talk with him. Maybe he feels that since the day is "over" after dinner, he'll just wait and do them in the morning. Not to sound bitc-y about this, but you sound resentful. He may not even know how you feel about this. I certainly know how good it feels when the kitchen is clean, but I also understand what you want. He may not. yes, I do sound resentful. Thanks for the clarification. I gave up discussing a while ago and am now working a strategy that seems to work for him, even if it is an inner struggle for me as it's outside my comfort zone. I do think that I need work on the shifting roles. I struggle with how I think it should be done -- from years of doing it -- to being more careful - he will do it when he gets to it. I mean if it's within a day or two, I think I can get to it. And if it's really bugging me one day (like this morning), then I will just do it myself.
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Post by krc11 on May 16, 2016 19:12:22 GMT
Have you discussed this with him or are you being passive aggressive by just walking away after dinner? In our family, he who cooks does not do dishes, but we both work full time. I'm definitely being passive aggressive. I own that. As I commented in one of my posts, I tried to instigate your stated policy during the past 30 years when we were both working.
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Post by krc11 on May 16, 2016 19:14:59 GMT
I tried for years to do the whomever cooks-the other cleans for decades. He never got it. He was more than willing to "help me" if I asked. And when I did ask, he'd wait until later, which his later nearly always came after my couldn't-stand-it anymore. This is a learning process. He's learning how to do it (and I'm not going to dictate when he should do his clean up). If morning works for him, so be it. I'm learning how to walk away and not help. Of course, I'd be willing to "help" if he asked. When I cook, because I do use lots and lots of things when I cook. And I don't like the mountain of stuff to be cleaned after dinner. The ants were running over the countertops as I left for work this morning. Maybe that will remind him that he's supposed to have either exterminated or called an exterminator for 3 weeks now. I'm trying to stay strong… I'm not clear from this or your OP if you have an agreement or he knows you expect him to do the clean up? The doing them at night or in the morning is an on going issue in our house. I like them done within an hour after eating, usually right away. Since the kids have taken over that chore I bight my tongue because they will leave it as long as they can and occassionally forget until the next morning. Gah! We deal with ants invading a couple of times a year and there is no way I could have left the house with them running all over the countertops!? To be quite honest, I don't know if he's expecting me to clean up or he's perfectly okay with getting to it later which is the morning. He's not said a word. So I'm going with it. I figure if we need to, we will discuss it. So, I'm trying not to micromanage his domain now. It's hard to let go of control after so many years.
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Post by Darcy Collins on May 16, 2016 19:24:21 GMT
I think every family has to figure out how to balance things - and there's going to be huge variability depending on work hours, idiosyncrasies, likes and dislikes. We've had just about every variation of work/home arrangement and figure out how to balance chores accordingly. For ME, I simply cannot abide by a dirty kitchen. I would have a conversation about expectations and if my husband had a huge issue with cleaning up after also making dinner, I'd wash up. It would be a million times less stressful for me to just wash a handful of pans then to leave them for my husband in the morning. It's just not that big of a deal to me. Now my answer would be completely different during that period of time I worked full time and my kids were babies/toddlers. That after dinner time was 100% devoted to them - luckily we never had to have that conversation as my husband was completely on board with cooking and cleaning up during that period of time. Luckily now we're in the sweet spot of the kids cooking and cleaning - well at least a few days a week!
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RedSquirrelUK
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Aug 2, 2014 13:03:45 GMT
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on May 16, 2016 19:38:20 GMT
I think it's time to have a non-passive-aggressive chat. DH and I talk about chores all the time. Our dynamics have changed throughout the years too. Now we both work: nowadays he works ridiculously long hours and I work part time. Even when we both worked full time and I worked longer hours with a 3-hour daily commute, I did all the cooking, washing-up and laundry, and he did the garden (with me helping). We shared the dusting/vacuuming but it took me to instigate it. He doesn't see mess and dust. When I wasn't working, I did everything except cutting the grass. Things change, you have to adapt and communicate. I've learned that I need to ask him to do a certain thing in a certain way at a certain time, and give my reasons. It's open to discussion - if he wants to do it differently, that's fine, but I have to instigate the conversation to get anything done. He doesn't take hints, and passive aggression doesn't work. But a simple, direct request with logical reasoning behind it usually has the desired effect. A kiss and cuddle always helps too, but we're that kind of couple, even after 23 years together. I'm very lucky. I realise not everyone is like that! We always thank and compliment each other too. He thanks me for dinner and for doing his laundry, I thank him for driving us places, for making the garden look beautiful and for washing my car and for (finally!) changing that blown lightbulb. My gosh we sound disgusting don't we?
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Post by melodyesch on May 16, 2016 21:48:57 GMT
I do the cooking and DH does the cleaning up. But the cleaning up is rinsing the dishes and putting them in the sink for the next morning. DH works from home so sometime during the morning he will unload/ load the dishwasher and wash up. That's NOT how I did it when I lived alone but it works for us. We do NOT, however, have ants. At the first site of a bug we both would change our routine. That's just not good.
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Post by stampinbetsy on May 16, 2016 21:49:44 GMT
My dad retired about 10 years ago. My mom worked until last summer. Pretty sure my mom still did the dishes after dinner, but Dad has gotten a ton better at doing housework. I think you're justified in leaving the dishes. They'd sit there forever if I did that.
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Post by 950nancy on May 16, 2016 22:23:02 GMT
My husband and I split the housework close to 50/50. He retired two years before I did. We didn't shift chores when he retired. He worked about 10-20 more hours a week than I did when he wasn't retired. He often pulled out things to eat for dinner or tossed some meat in the crock pot though and that was great. Currently, I do most of the cooking. I clean up as much as I can while cooking and it generally takes about 5 minutes to clean up the rest. Can you both clean up together after dinner so it doesn't take long? That way he continues to clean up and it is done before you go to bed.
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GiantsFan
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Jun 27, 2014 14:44:56 GMT
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Post by GiantsFan on May 16, 2016 22:33:20 GMT
IMO, I don't think it's a matter of who works and who doesn't, it's all part of working together to create a happy home life. (Hahaha, that sounds a little too I'm OK, You're OK.)
My DH has been retired for six years and I still work. In our house whoever cooks goes away and the non-cook does the clean-up and dishes. It was that way when we both worked and it's the same now. I do have to admit though that DH does most of the house cleaning, laundry, yard, pool. Probably 75%. So whenever I can pitch in and help I do.
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Post by ladytrisha on May 16, 2016 22:43:22 GMT
I quit cooking about 10 years ago. I got irritated (okay, pissed) at my hubby as I would come home, get dinner and then clean up. I would ask "was it okay" and was lucky to get "its okay, or its alright". Within a week we went to 2 friends for dinner. Both times, he made a fuss of their cooking (like overboard) ... and I stewed on it. Then I said ya know, if you want to take over and think you can do better, go for it. And then I went on strike. For a few days we ate take out ... I do pissed off really well. Then he grabbed hold and took to the kitchen.
Well, for the most part, he loves it. He likes the creativity, the recipe alterations (not all work), and his pots and pans that he gets to choose! He also cleans up - kid and I have tried but he reloads the dishwasher after we load it - everything comes out. Kid and I looked at each other one day and said "okay, we're out" and hubby loves we're out of "his" kitchen.
It works.
Since he's been home on disability, he has added the entire house to his care - I commute to and from work, come home, sit down and at some point dinner appears. Sometimes it's breakfast for dinner and simple; other times, he goes all out.
Now we're looking for a house out of state - he checks kitchens, I check scraprooms LOL He cannot sit still - disability has made it worse. This morning at 5:30 he was scrubbing the bathroom.
I'm thinking of renting him!
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anniebygaslight
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Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on May 17, 2016 6:20:47 GMT
OP you sound like a 1950' s husband.
One cooks and the other tidies here. We both work.
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Post by nlwilkins on May 17, 2016 6:37:34 GMT
We are both retired and have been for some time now. Then there was a period of time when I could not do much and he had to step up to the plate and do it all. But now we kinda share the chores. But, he has taken over cleaning up the kitchen no matter who cooks.
It took a long time for me to get used to him doing the clean up. But, now I just sit and let him do it. He insists on doing it even when he does the cooking. He keeps the kitchen a different clean than I do, not cleaner, but different. When I cook he fusses if I make too big of a mess so I do try to get in there before him on those days that I make a big mess and clean some of it up and leave the dishes to him. Thankfully, he will not leave dishes overnight. Though they might just be rinsed real good and placed in the sink.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2016 6:59:51 GMT
We have different schedules in our marriage but we share jobs that need doing and don't necessarily delegate one job to one person because who wants to do the pots all the time. Better to mix it up.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on May 17, 2016 11:04:31 GMT
This is a learning process. He's learning how to do it (and I'm not going to dictate when he should do his clean up). If morning works for him, so be it. I'm learning how to walk away and not help. Of course, I'd be willing to "help" if he asked. I think it sounds like you know you are in a transition phase and are working your way through it. But I would suggest that actual conversation about it might help -- y'all sound like you do a lot of mind reading, lol! My husband is probably more anal about how things get done and when than I am. We have been married almost five years and it took all of the first two or three to work out who would "allow" the other to be trusted with certain household tasks. Ha. We're incorrigible. He still insists that I don't vacuum nearly as well as he does. (He's right.)
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YooHoot
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Jun 26, 2014 3:11:50 GMT
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Post by YooHoot on May 17, 2016 11:56:41 GMT
Passive aggressive: slamming pots and pans around still someone gets off their asses and helps. I can't go to bed with a bunch of dirty dishes in the sink. I like a clean kitchen when I wake up. It's my own quirk so I tend to do the most clean up in the kitchen. I get help but I'm okay if I don't (I just bang those pots a little louder). My parents shifted roles a few years ago. My mom loves coming home to whatever crazy recipe he found on the internet.
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