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Post by lucyg on May 19, 2016 1:01:35 GMT
I'm sorry you have to go through this. Please don't sign anything till you have your own lawyer look at it. hugs!!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 17:49:28 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2016 1:07:23 GMT
Hugs to you...I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.
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Post by scrapmaven on May 19, 2016 1:08:24 GMT
Please do not sign anything at all until you see an attorney in person. You need to gather documents, financial statements and everything you can to arm yourself. He's being selfish and impulsive and it will backfire on you if you don't take action right now. I know that it's sad and horrible, but your long term protection is vital and your own attorney is a must. He doesn't get to tell you what to do and when to do it. I am so sorry.
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,811
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on May 19, 2016 1:20:42 GMT
I'm sorry. Sending big hugs. You need to vent, go find a therapist to talk to. It really does help. Scream, cry it's okay to feel that and do that.
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my3freaks
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,206
Location: NH girl living in Colorado
Jun 26, 2014 4:10:56 GMT
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Post by my3freaks on May 19, 2016 1:23:45 GMT
I'm sorry, you're in my thoughts. I agree with the peas who say that you shouldn't sign anything without having it looked at by a lawyer though.
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Post by femalebusiness on May 19, 2016 1:40:23 GMT
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope everything smooths out for you shortly. Keep thinking ahead to the day you can say it was the best thing that ever happened to you. That day will come.
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Post by Really Red on May 19, 2016 2:05:02 GMT
Obviously getting an attorney is no. 1 importance right now, but you have HAVE to look at your financial accounts. This is of the utmost importance. Please do this tonight. Not tomorrow. Make sure he hasn't taken all the money. I hope you have someone honest and fair, but better be sure.
You have time to be sad. You do NOT have time not to be diligent!!
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,152
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on May 19, 2016 2:31:47 GMT
I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm certain it is never easy. I've been married almost as long as you and things have soured. I feel like i've come to terms with the fact that eventually it has to end, I can't imagine living like this forever. At the same time, I already know i'd be hurt if he ends it and I know i'll hurt if I end it. It sucks to be in a place where the person who promised to love you, just doesn't seem to or isn't willing to fight for you or your marriage.
I wish you the best. As everyone has said, be kind to yourself and make sure you have a lawyer. ((HUGS))
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Post by jovifan on May 19, 2016 2:49:06 GMT
All that you are feeling, the ups and downs, the wanting to scream, the being surprised but yet not....these are ALL valid feelings. All of them. Your dynamic is changing. Lots of unknowns. But one by one, you will figure this out! I agree too not to sign anything without just a lawyer to look it over, maybe not even necessarily hire one. Your world has shook but it will eventually stop shaking and take it day by day.
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Post by peasapie on May 19, 2016 3:41:38 GMT
It's so difficult when the relationship you thought was forever begins to dwindle. I have heart that heart attacks and/or heart surgery can change a person. Is there any chance counseling would help?
Please try to take care of yourself emotionally and physically during this time. Wishing you the very best.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 17:49:29 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2016 4:00:37 GMT
I'm so sorry that you're hurting. I will stress what everyone else has said. DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING until you have an attorney.
Early in the process, I admit to being scared. Once the financial picture was ironed out and became clear, I was able to breathe a sigh of relief.
We signed our final agreement last week. It has most likely been filed with the courts by now and we now wait for the Judge to sign it.
It would be quite ironic to have it signed by the judge on our 29th anniversary...but it's coming and it could happen. Would give me a whole new reason to celebrate June 13.
I hope that once you see an attorney, it will not be long until your fears can be eliminated...especially your financial current and future.
I pick up the keys to my new apartment (and by new, I mean it's a really new complelx and this building is brand new, I will be the first person to live in my apartment) a week from tomorrow and I could not be more excited at what lies ahead for me.
My STBXH earns 8 times my salary...but I was well taken care of thanks to the marital balance sheet.
My STBXH even has to pay the fee for the paperwork giving me 88% of his 401k. Talk about salt in the wound.
Get a good attorney. A good attorney is worth their weight in gold.
I hope that one day you're able to look past the hurt you now feel and see that you still have plenty of bright life ahead of you.
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Post by mellyw on May 19, 2016 4:07:06 GMT
I am so sorry you are hurting.
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Post by welshjenni on May 19, 2016 9:53:17 GMT
So sorry, the peas have given good advice. Be kind to yourself x
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on May 19, 2016 11:14:17 GMT
I hope that one day you're able to look past the hurt you now feel and see that you still have plenty of bright life ahead of you. I like the way @gajenny worded this, so I will echo her. I wish you the best.
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Post by mamastone on May 19, 2016 11:58:16 GMT
(((Hugs))) I am so sorry.
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kelly8875
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,391
Location: Lost in my supplies...
Oct 26, 2014 17:02:56 GMT
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Post by kelly8875 on May 19, 2016 12:09:29 GMT
It's hard. Let yourself feel sad when you're sad, let yourself feel relief when you feel relief. Don't hide your feelings along the way or you'll just be fooling yourself. Mine is almost finalized, and I still have bad days. It's been 6 months apart, and it's weird. I don't regret my choices or our choices, but it's still hard mentally. This has been a bad week for me.
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Post by auntkelly on May 19, 2016 12:22:02 GMT
I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time.
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uksue
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,505
Location: London
Jun 25, 2014 22:33:20 GMT
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Post by uksue on May 19, 2016 13:00:16 GMT
I'm so sorry.
My first divorce came about after my husband became critically ill with lupus . His personality had changed during the illness before he was diagnosed at crisis point, but I had been working three jobs to keep the house going, looking after our kids aged 5 and 6 months and also looking after him. As soon as he started to feel better, he said he didn't want family life anymore , didn't want the mess and noise of kids . He also became violent towards me a couple of times, then after the third ( worst) outburst of violence he left and never came back.
I was relieved initially because he had been so volatile but it was heartbreaking for the kids- he has had very infrequent contact with them since (20 years) and doesn't even know our son is having a baby with his girlfriend this November .
All I can say is that you need to grieve for a while , but you will find a 'new normal'. As others have said, get legal advice - the emotional side is hard enough , without adding unnecessary financial pressures! You may even find someone else you know! My 73 yr old ex-mother in law has been seeing a really lovely man and they are just moving in together . I have never seen her so happy . Who knows what's waiting for you in your future if you give things a chance ? I personally would rather be alone than feel lonely within a relationship to be honest .
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 17:49:29 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2016 13:51:29 GMT
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how sad you must be. ((HUGS))
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Post by Bobomommy on May 19, 2016 14:25:16 GMT
Mine came as a total shock. He told me he wanted out on February 8, 2010 and it took until May 28th for him to move out. It took me about two weeks to find out that he had been having an affair for three months. He wavered back and forth between trying to work it out and being adamant that he wanted out of the marriage. The real reason he stayed so long? He needed knee surgery and wouldn't have health insurance if he left me. Once he had the surgery and recovered (at my house) then he moved in with this girlfriend.
Our divorce was final in July of 2011. I had always had a bad feeling about the girlfriend. Two of her ex-husbands contacted me and told me that she was crazy and had actually been afraid for their lives at times. Just eleven days after the judge signed the papers Jay died from a bee sting while with the girlfriend. He had never had any problem from bee stings, not the slightest reaction. My children questioned whether it was possible that she injected him with something, especially when she made the comment that she was SO GLAD he had just put her in his LIVING WILL a few days before.
Yes, she was stupid enough to think that a living will was leaving her an inheritance. The joke was on her. He didn't have any life insurance, no savings, and the children got the paltry $50,000 in a retirement account with a previous employer.
However, this also meant that I ended up paying for his burial expenses and received nothing, either. On a positive note, the two younger children qualified for Social Security benefits until they graduated from high school and this helped us be able to stay in our home.
It's been six years since he left and my last child will finish high school next spring. He will lose Social Security in November due to aging out. I am changing jobs to a higher paying one, which will make up for the loss of his support. We are doing fine.
I can honestly say that my world fell apart during the divorce, but I have become a strong woman and am happy with my singleness now.
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Post by jenb72 on May 19, 2016 14:56:13 GMT
I'm so sorry. You're grieving and you have to allow yourself to do that. At some point you will start to feel stronger and come to realize that you can get through this.
This WILL get better. Hang on to that and know it's true.
In the meantime, please don't sign anything too hastily just to "get it over with". You have to start thinking about and taking care of yourself and that means not assuming he has your best interests at heart - I can almost guarantee you he doesn't. Really look at the papers he's delivered to your dad. Have your dad go over them with you and make sure he's not taking advantage of you. If you can, I would even consult a lawyer.
Please, please be kind to yourself.
Jen
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Post by ilikepink on May 19, 2016 14:58:34 GMT
BTDT. You Will Get Through This.
Practical matters: Lawyer. Finances. If you can't focus, get DD/DF/BFF to go with you.
Emotional matters: This sucks. No way it doesn't, but it isn't going to suck forever. Rather than focusing on what you have lost, focus on what you have--a future that will be whatever you want it to be. It may not the Plan A for your life, but Plan B can be good (I'm on about Plan Q at this point, and still plodding along). Be kind to yourself - you didn't do this (although you should be honest with yourself about any shortcomings you have that contributed to it), it was his decision. He made choices and you can't control that. You can only control how you react--so live a life that makes you happy going forward.
You Will Get Through This
Hugs.
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Post by mikklynn on May 19, 2016 15:16:45 GMT
DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING WITHOUT A LAWYER.
I say this with all love and respect to you. You must protect your rights. I even told my former DIL to see a lawyer.
Hugs. I'm sorry you are experiencing this.
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Post by Dixie Lou on May 21, 2016 0:07:29 GMT
Thank you for the validation, support and advice. I will take it all to heart and I won't sign anything until I get a lawyer. My dad has toter ld me what the papers are but I still don't understand.
I am feeling a little better than I was the other day. I am still in shock!
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scrappyesq
Pearl Clutcher
You have always been a part of the heist. You're only mad now because you don't like your cut.
Posts: 4,032
Jun 26, 2014 19:29:07 GMT
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Post by scrappyesq on May 21, 2016 2:17:36 GMT
Be kind to yourself. You will get through it. Like a previous poster said don't sign anything until you hire an attorney.
As tough as it may be after 30 years you have a strong case for significant spousal support, pensions 401K's and the like. Check on the laws in your state when you meet with an attorney.
***all the hugs****
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eastcoastpea
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,252
Jun 27, 2014 13:05:28 GMT
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Post by eastcoastpea on May 21, 2016 13:49:59 GMT
Please consider seeing a therapist to get you through this. It's never a bad idea to see one for any major life change.
All of us are willing to listen. Big hugs heading your way.
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Post by craftsbycarolyn on May 21, 2016 14:09:14 GMT
So sorry you have to got through this.
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Post by SallyPA on May 21, 2016 16:34:06 GMT
I'm really really sorry. There's no way to make it easier; just take one day at a time and work your way through the various things that need to be done. There's no fast or easy way to do it; you just have to walk through it day by day. Hugs.
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