|
Post by peanutterbutter on May 20, 2016 21:20:10 GMT
My dad passed away a couple days ago, we are headed to the viewing and have the funeral tomorrow. How can I keep from dissolving into a big mess-don't want to make things worse for my mother and other family. ...
|
|
Shel
Full Member
Posts: 408
Jul 16, 2014 0:32:12 GMT
|
Post by Shel on May 20, 2016 21:24:56 GMT
It's not going to be easy. I've always allowed myself a good cry---more than one really--at home including the day of the viewing. It doesn't keep tears away but has helped me avoid the ugly cry around others. I also focus on visiting with friends and family that I haven't seen in a while and also remember good times and fun memories of the person we are remembering.
I'm really sorry for your loss.
|
|
|
Post by melanell on May 20, 2016 21:28:56 GMT
Hugs to you! I'm so sorry for your loss.
I agree that letting myself cry as much as you need at home, in the car, etc. has helped me in the past. But, for me, a lot of it has to do with the people around me. If they seem to be holding it together, I typically can do so. But if someone else is struggling, I find it harder for me.
Ultimately, know that while there are certain motions we typically go through during funeral services, the services are built around the needs and wants of your family, and if you or anyone else needs to step out for a minute to try to get a break from the services, there's nothing at all wrong with that and people will certainly understand.
|
|
valleyview
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,816
Jun 27, 2014 18:41:26 GMT
|
Post by valleyview on May 20, 2016 21:29:40 GMT
Stay busy. Try to keep your mother from wearing out. Make sure everyone gets a bathroom break or food as needed. Also, try to focus on good memories and allow yourself to listen to stories that visitors will share. Hugs.
|
|
MorningPerson
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,506
Location: Central Pennsylvania
Jul 4, 2014 21:35:44 GMT
|
Post by MorningPerson on May 20, 2016 21:37:02 GMT
I'm so sorry for your loss.
|
|
scrappinspidey2
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,511
Location: In the Parlor with the Fly
Mar 18, 2015 19:19:37 GMT
|
Post by scrappinspidey2 on May 20, 2016 21:40:09 GMT
For my husbands viewing, my MIL, kids and myself had an opportunity to be alone with him first. Only my MIL and I went. Then it was opened to his sisters and close work friends. Then open to everyone. Once I was done with the line of people, I was able to step away to a private area when needed. Honestly I was so numb still that I don't remember much. His sisters and their families left fairly early on and took the kids. MIL and I stayed to the end but I would leave periodically. I was never alone and I think that was a good thing.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Hug those close to you. Have someone close watch for a sign you may need to step away and let them give you that break. You may find you don't need one till it's over. Everyone is different.
|
|
|
Post by Darcy Collins on May 20, 2016 21:41:12 GMT
I'm sorry for your loss - I agree with the staying busy. It really helps me to have something to do - even if there's nothing to do. And you know what-if don't hold it together - it'll be okay.
|
|
|
Post by Merge on May 20, 2016 21:48:40 GMT
For me, the whole thing was so surreal that crying didn't happen at the viewing. It was just unreal and we were all in shock. I remember being more inappropriately cheerful than anything else, and that may actually have been worse than crying.
Grief takes everyone differently and however you respond is OK.
|
|
|
Post by KelleeM on May 20, 2016 22:00:37 GMT
I'm so sorry for your loss.
|
|
rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,125
Jul 1, 2014 20:20:18 GMT
|
Post by rickmer on May 20, 2016 22:20:18 GMT
i am so sorry. i am terrible at that myself....while i am not recommending it, i will admit the last funeral i went to.... i took half a xanax before i went.
hugs to you and your family.
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on May 20, 2016 22:20:30 GMT
I'm so so sorry.
|
|
scrappington
Pearl Clutcher
in Canada
Posts: 3,139
Jun 26, 2014 14:43:10 GMT
|
Post by scrappington on May 20, 2016 22:23:02 GMT
I'm so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately you don't know how your going to react until your in the situation. And sometimes you just can't holdback. That's ok though your allowed to be. Stressing about holding it together won't help.
|
|
mimima
Drama Llama
Stay Gold, Ponyboy
Posts: 5,022
Jun 25, 2014 19:25:50 GMT
|
Post by mimima on May 20, 2016 22:35:34 GMT
Oh hon. Huge hugs and love. I'm so sorry. Memory Eternal. I am one who thinks that carrying a lot of tissue and crying is very ok.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 16:45:40 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on May 20, 2016 22:38:54 GMT
I'm so sorry for your loss, peanutterbutter. I lost my Dad on February 22. Even though we knew it was coming, it was traumatic and devastating. The night he died, I had a sobbing meltdown of epic proportions. It just hurt so badly that I had to let it all out. Thank God for my amazing husband who held me, fetched ice packs and water, and kept tissues handy. Once that was over, I was able to hold it together pretty well. Oh, the tears still flowed at the viewing, the funeral, the gravesite and pretty much every day since. And that's okay. Everyone understood. The funeral home had a private kitchen and lounge area for the family so we could eat and rest if needed. My brothers and I tried to make sure one of us was with Mom at all times. If the funeral home has facilities like that, take advantage of them. It was hard. So, so hard. But I took comfort in talking to people who knew my Dad, some of whom I hadn't seen in years or hadn't even met before. About 25 people from his graduating class came, all with stories about how funny he was in high school. Lots of people telling me what a good man he was - which I already knew, but it was nice to hear from others. There was laughter mixed in with the tears, which is okay too. Again, I'm so sorry. I'll be praying for you and your family.
|
|
|
Post by hop2 on May 20, 2016 22:45:22 GMT
Hugs
Sorry for your loss.
I didn't hold it together. I couldn't. I held it together while I sat alone with my dad all night long the night before he died. I didn't want to stress him. I repetitively prayed in my head over and over for strength that night. After, Emotionally I couldn't hold it together any more.
And truthfully you don't have to, it's your dad. Everyone ought to understand. If they are there they ought to care about you and understand.
However, if you must, these are things I've tried: face away from the front, talk to people, walk. Find a young child to keep busy, that usually keeps me focused. Pray over and over for strength if your the praying kind.
I did not hold it together for my dad, nor when my sister was killed. It was just beyond my capacity. Other than that those things have worked.
Again I'm so sorry for your loss {{{ hugs}}}
|
|
momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,152
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
|
Post by momto4kiddos on May 20, 2016 22:51:56 GMT
Can't answer your question, but did want to say i'm sorry for your loss. ((HUGS))
|
|
jayfab
Drama Llama
procastinating
Posts: 5,530
Jun 26, 2014 21:55:15 GMT
|
Post by jayfab on May 20, 2016 22:54:42 GMT
I'm sorry for your loss - I agree with the staying busy. It really helps me to have something to do - even if there's nothing to do. And you know what-if don't hold it together - it'll be okay. I agree. And I try to make others comfortable. But I also let myself cry if needed. It's the only time I cry and not care who sees or what they think. I'm sorry for your loss.
|
|
caro
Drama Llama
Refupea 1130
Posts: 5,222
Jun 26, 2014 14:10:36 GMT
|
Post by caro on May 20, 2016 23:07:44 GMT
I'm sorry for your loss.
|
|
|
Post by lisacharlotte on May 20, 2016 23:32:51 GMT
I'm so sorry you've lost your father. I'm no help, other people cry so I cry. I've been to family funerals for close family and removed family. As soon as someone starts crying I'm crying too. I think I'd prefer that to the medicated calmness I see more often now. You shouldn't try to hide your grief. I'm not going to judge if you decide you throw yourself on the casket bawling.
|
|
MDscrapaholic
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,386
Location: Down by the bay....
Jun 25, 2014 20:49:07 GMT
|
Post by MDscrapaholic on May 21, 2016 0:06:35 GMT
I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. Funerals are never easy. I loved hearing stories of my DH and my Mom when they passed away. I kept myself busy at the funeral taking care of my kids and making sure they were ok. I don't remember much else.
|
|
|
Post by txdancermom on May 21, 2016 1:02:41 GMT
Hugs. lean on your friends, they are there for you. I lost it when they did taps at my dad's service last week. I had held it together until then.
|
|
Mary Kay Lady
Pearl Clutcher
PeaNut 367,913 Refupea number 1,638
Posts: 3,076
Jun 27, 2014 4:11:36 GMT
|
Post by Mary Kay Lady on May 21, 2016 1:46:33 GMT
I just wanted to chime in to say that I'm sorry for your loss.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 16:45:40 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on May 21, 2016 1:52:20 GMT
I would have a small dose of Xanax. It's cheap and calming. I'm so sorry for your loss.
|
|
|
Post by anniefb on May 21, 2016 1:53:08 GMT
Very sorry for your loss - sending thoughts and hugs.
We didn't have a public viewing when my Mum passed 4 1/2 yrs ago - so it was just me, my brother and sister-in-law with our vicar for a short time of prayer. It was hard, but I guess what helped me is that I looked at Mum and knew it wasn't 'her' - it was her body, yes, but the essence of her was gone. We still all had a cry but it helped that there was no-one else around.
|
|
|
Post by gizzy on May 21, 2016 1:58:19 GMT
I don't have any advice, just wanted to say I'm so very sorry.
|
|
kate
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,524
Location: The city that doesn't sleep
Member is Online
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
|
Post by kate on May 21, 2016 2:01:20 GMT
I'm so sorry.
I doubt anyone would judge you for even a full-blown ugly cry.
|
|
Mystie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,299
Jun 25, 2014 19:53:37 GMT
|
Post by Mystie on May 21, 2016 3:51:14 GMT
I am so sorry. I have found that I get concerned about other people, and that pulls me out of my own grief a bit, because I'm focused on comforting them. But honestly, feel what you need to feel. Comfort others and let them comfort you. It will help you both.
Hugs to you. I hope you will find some kind of peace tomorrow as you say goodbye.
|
|
hannahruth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,621
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Aug 29, 2014 18:57:20 GMT
|
Post by hannahruth on May 21, 2016 7:52:02 GMT
You don't have to hold it together.
I'm sure your mother and others would understand your tears and not think bad of you. He was your father and showing your pain is certainly acceptable. Well in my neck of the woods it is.
Im sorry for your loss.
|
|
zookeeper
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,909
Aug 28, 2014 2:37:56 GMT
|
Post by zookeeper on May 21, 2016 10:13:53 GMT
When my SIL died suddenly 5 years ago, I called my doctor who was out town and he immediately called in a prescription for xanax for me. Otherwise I would have never made it through. There is no shame in taking a xanax for this type of situation if you feel like you need it to cope.
Grief is a very personal journey and there are no rules. It is your journey for your own heart and emotions. If you need to...cry, scream, pout, be angry, be sad.
And most importantly, remember that you are not only grieving for yourself but for your mother. You are empathic towards your mother and realizing that as heartbreaking as your loss is....hers is even greater. She has lost the love of her life. Your crying around her is also about how much you love her and are sorry for the pain that she is going through. Cry with her, tell her you love her and that you are sorry for her loss.
I am so sorry for your loss, your mother's loss and your family's loss. Prayers for you during the upcoming weeks and months.
|
|
peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,630
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
|
Post by peabay on May 21, 2016 11:03:50 GMT
My condolences. I'm so sorry.
You just do. You're so busy comforting other people and dealing with them that you kind of forget your own grief for a little while.
And, it's totally okay if you do cry. There are so many people there who want to help - let them.
|
|