luckyexwife
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,067
Jun 25, 2014 21:21:08 GMT
|
Post by luckyexwife on May 24, 2016 2:34:31 GMT
I am in the planning stages of filing for a divorce. I had some questions about what I can and cannot do, plus I wanted to start getting a feel for lawyers, so I went on a consultation on Friday. It was awful. My husband is emotionally abusive. I've suffered for about 12 or so years with this, and I know him. I have decided that in order to get what I want: Out of the marriage and with joint custody for our two children, I am willing to forego just about everything. I only want out of the marriage, my grandmother's dining room table, the car put into my name so I can finish paying for it, my personal items, and for us to share expenses associated with our children. My husband is a very punitive man, and I know if I went in asking for half of his retirement or alimony or my share of the house, he would turn this into a very long, very expensive custody battle (our kids are teen-agers). I have a good job and make enough money to support myself and my children on my own. I'm vested in my prior two jobs and have good retirement at this one. That is why I'm finally able to do this. The lawyer pretty much absolutely refused, and was not nice about it. My friends say I'm not going to find a lawyer to agree to what I want. I'm going to call another one on Monday to set up another consultation, but am I just screwed? My other option is to hope my husband is reasonable about it -- i.e., realizes that I could take half of everything -- and we can sit down and write out our agreement ourselves and just involve a lawyer when we're ready to file. I'm not sure how he's going to take this. He's pretty miserable, too, but I think is resigned to live like this until our kids are out of the house (our youngest is 14). I don't want to do that. I don't have any advice for you, but I just wanted to say I'm sad to hear this. I've missed you on the board and wondered why you weren't posting as much. :-(
|
|
smcast
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,355
Location: MN
Mar 18, 2016 14:06:38 GMT
|
Post by smcast on May 24, 2016 2:41:18 GMT
I understand you just want out with the least amount of struggle. Without an ugly, long drawn out battle, you should try and get half of what is rightfully yours by the letter of the law. Just do what is right and fair. You will be glad you did in the long run. He is going to fight no matter what because if he is like my ex husband, he just wants to win.
|
|
|
Post by 2peafaithful on May 24, 2016 2:44:54 GMT
I have been a divorce lawyer for over 30 years. While I would not refuse to do as you ask, I would strongly counsel you against your position. You do not have to give up everything in order to get out of your marriage. As someone else said, you need to look to the distant future as well as the immediately future. Chances are very great that once you are not emotional, you will not want to give up everything. In fact, I usually tell people like you "take what you're entitled to. In two years, if you still want to give him everything, go right ahead and do it". Needless to say, no one has every turned over their property or money two years after their divorce. I understand that right now you just want "out". However, your children are entitled to be supported by both of their parents, whether or not you are able to support them yourself. They are entitled to the standard of living that being supported by both of their parents would provide them. If his pension is bigger than yours, you are entitled to be supported in your retirement to the extent of your interest in his pension. If there is equity in the house, you and the children are entitled to that in order to insure the best possible living situation for them following the divorce. Yes, it might get ugly if you ask for what you're entitled to. But the way you describe your spouse, it's going to get ugly anyway. Do not give away the security of both yourself and your children under some misguided idea that you can 'buy' him into being reasonable or letting you out of the marriage. You can get your divorce AND the assets and support you are entitled to. If he becomes aggressive, call the police, charge him and have him removed from the home. Or, have the divorce judge remove him from the home. While I would, if your lawyer, do as you wish ultimately, I would definitely try vigorously to convince you to protect your interests and those of your children. Should you decline, I would probably have you sign a statement to the effect that I had so advised you and that despite my advice you were choosing to forego the assets etc you were entitled to. I know it's a CYA but in situations like yours, it is common to have remorse later for giving up everything.
|
|
|
Post by k8smom on May 24, 2016 3:01:45 GMT
Ugh, I feel for you pretzels because to get to the point where you are, you are just d-o-n-e with it all. That is such an awful place to be in any relationship except the one you describe... you are no longer emotionally vested and it's harder to manipulate you for an emotional response, which as you know is the #1 tact of emotional abusers. I agree that you can just keep trying until you find an attorney who is willing to go with your terms. I totally get it that you just want to cut and run, but as others have said... if you make it obvious that you only want a few things, then your soon-to-be-ex will find a way to use those things you truly desire to taunt you. And...you can bet your bottom dollar he will also try to hit you in the checkbook, so don't be surprised if he comes after your retirement / 401k / profit sharing. I would be completely transparent with any prospective attorney with your wishes, as you have stated here, and let them put their education to use to figure out how best to attain those wishes without tipping your hand. That might mean camouflaging the items you really want in a larger list, and then mediate "down" to what you're truly wanting to walk away with. You've got this! Be strong, open minded, and think smart.
|
|
|
Post by scrappintoee on May 24, 2016 8:32:09 GMT
So very sorry !!! ((( hugs )))
I've been so sad for some dear friends who recently divorced----and the MAIN reason for her was the SAME as you! We had NO idea how emotionally and verbally abusive he was allllll these years!!! I hope you're able to get a lawyer that can help you with what you want !!!
|
|
|
Post by dealsamongus on May 24, 2016 9:06:46 GMT
I am in the planning stages of filing for a divorce. I had some questions about what I can and cannot do, plus I wanted to start getting a feel for lawyers, so I went on a consultation on Friday. It was awful. My husband is emotionally abusive. I've suffered for about 12 or so years with this, and I know him. I have decided that in order to get what I want: Out of the marriage and with joint custody for our two children, I am willing to forego just about everything. I only want out of the marriage, my grandmother's dining room table, the car put into my name so I can finish paying for it, my personal items, and for us to share expenses associated with our children. My husband is a very punitive man, and I know if I went in asking for half of his retirement or alimony or my share of the house, he would turn this into a very long, very expensive custody battle (our kids are teen-agers). I have a good job and make enough money to support myself and my children on my own. I'm vested in my prior two jobs and have good retirement at this one. That is why I'm finally able to do this. The lawyer pretty much absolutely refused, and was not nice about it. My friends say I'm not going to find a lawyer to agree to what I want. I'm going to call another one on Monday to set up another consultation, but am I just screwed? My other option is to hope my husband is reasonable about it -- i.e., realizes that I could take half of everything -- and we can sit down and write out our agreement ourselves and just involve a lawyer when we're ready to file. I'm not sure how he's going to take this. He's pretty miserable, too, but I think is resigned to live like this until our kids are out of the house (our youngest is 14). I don't want to do that. I got a divorce for many of the same reasons.
|
|
|
Post by dealsamongus on May 24, 2016 9:16:18 GMT
My first marriage was similar to yours. When I finally realized that I wanted out, I said the same type of things. We had both a house & lake property that were equal in value. I just wanted the house, I worked from home, my car, & nothing else. We didn't have children. He, of course, agreed quickly. He owned 2 businesses but I was so beaten down emotionally that I didn't care. Fast forward a few years when I had reclaimed myself, I was so furious at myself for letting him off so easily! You are worth more than you think right now. Fight for what you & your children deserve! You never know what the future will bring. Man we have the same story! I am so mad I let him off the hook.. Biggest regret ever! He left me and had I not had family I would have been homeless.. He could care less. I often wonder if he is better to his 2nd wife and she knows how'd lucky he is I didn't go after him!
|
|
|
Post by mollycoddle on May 24, 2016 9:19:07 GMT
I'm sorry that you are going through this. And I would also strongly urge you to take Lauren's advice.
|
|
|
Post by lucyg on May 24, 2016 9:25:48 GMT
I'm sorry that you are going through this. And I would also strongly urge you to take Lauren's advice. Ditto that. I'm so very sorry about what you're going through.
|
|
used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,036
Jan 29, 2016 3:02:55 GMT
|
Post by used2scrap on May 24, 2016 11:33:30 GMT
Do not move out without your kids, whatever else you do!!
|
|
|
Post by gailoh on May 24, 2016 13:19:10 GMT
Please talk to the lawyer first BEFORE you do anything where the kids are concerned..."He won't let you take the kids" That would not go well with me....and my kids would be coming with me...I was divorced and my daughter was there right with me, he was abusive no way would I leave her back then with him.
I hope all goes well for you and please don't let him use the kids...my x gave me all kinds of trouble back then...hugs
|
|
|
Post by not2peased on May 24, 2016 14:12:05 GMT
you really need to talk to a lawyer BEFORE you find a new place and do more planning.
moving out could put you at a disadvantage, and leaving without the kids? that could be construed as abandonment-especially if it's a he said/she said situation
|
|
shawallapea
Full Member
Posts: 108
Jun 28, 2014 21:28:33 GMT
|
Post by shawallapea on May 24, 2016 14:26:51 GMT
In my divorce besides primary physical custody of the kids, I wanted the house. It was built on property that had been in the family for 150 years and was a stone's throw from my parents, aunts, uncles etc. I wanted the stability for my kids. I did not ask for any of his pension or alimony. I refinanced the house and paid him his equity. We had all kinds of great things in place regarding child support, medical bills, college etc. and what I've found is he's done as LITTLE as possible for the last 8 years (including quitting a very nice, extremely well paid job so he could use the I don't have a job card and go into arrears more than $12000). In some regards I wish I had asked for more but in reality he would have found a way to not fulfil his end of the bargain. It would have cost me more in legal fees. We're currently in this position over orthodontics. I paid for the first round in full after my insurance paid their part and he did not lift a finger. This time he led me to believe he was splitting it with me per the divorce decree and at the 11th hour said "he can't because he has debts to pay" ... as if I don't have debts to pay lololol. Just keep your eyes open to the fact that you'll be dealing with him until your kids are out of college and truly on their own. It's like having a stinking albatross around your neck ... but I digress :-) Thankfully he does treat the kids in a loving manner when they are with him (every other weekend) so for that I cannot complain.
Best of luck to you during this journey!
|
|
|
Post by pretzels on May 24, 2016 15:21:26 GMT
you really need to talk to a lawyer BEFORE you find a new place and do more planning. moving out could put you at a disadvantage, and leaving without the kids? that could be construed as abandonment-especially if it's a he said/she said situation Oh, I'm not leaving without my kids. That will not happen. Ever. I'm not doing anything drastic for a few months now. Just putting what I can in motion. I really want this to be as painless as possible for everyone. I don't know if that's possible, but I'm going to try.
|
|
|
Post by FLA SummerBaby on May 24, 2016 15:56:08 GMT
I'm sorry you are going through this and I completely understand why you only want the things you have mentioned. At the end of the day you need a lawyer that will do what you want--you are the client. They can advise what you should be asking for but agree to do what you want. AGREE!! When I was going through my d'v I interviewed/consulted with several attys until I found one I felt comfortable with and who would do the best job representing me and what I needed. Good luck.
|
|
|
Post by scrapaddict702 on May 24, 2016 17:04:33 GMT
Can you possibly make something up about the table? It seems that's a big deal to you. Could you say that you found a steal of a deal from someone to refinish it and couldn't say no? Then stash it in a relatives garage or something?
|
|
|
Post by twinks on May 24, 2016 17:43:20 GMT
I walked (well, not really, I was hauled out via ambulance and after 10 days in ICU and that many more in the hospital, I never went back) out on my marriage. I thought that I would get my stuff. Wrong! I didn't even get my undies. He was out of town at the time and my sister stopped by our house to get some stuff for me and he had changed the locks. He didn't want my family coming to the house when he wasn't there (control issues).
Anyway, what I learned is that it is easier to give up than it is to get. I would be prepared and the day your decide to leave, send him off to work, back a U-Haul up and have friends load it with everything that is rightfully yours (dining room set, children's belongings, etc.) Remember that you have only the time he is gone to work so you will need help. When children get home from school, be ready to take them to your new place. Then contact your attorney to have him served with papers.
In an abusive situation, you can not do it without a good attorney who will protect you as well as get you what you and your children need. My attorney ended up being like gold to me. He helped me put things into perspective as far as my "stuff" was concerned. The biggest thing is he kept me physically safe as well. My X started stalking me big time. My attorney helped make it so I was never face to face with him and that he didn't have access to my medical records until court time.
Here is the way it works - you go after 1/2 of his retirement, he goes after 1/2 of your retirement. The negotiations then can be that you both leave with your own retirement. However, keep in mind that they have a formula that they use and they can place a value of each retirement. You don't want to say that you will give yours up if it is of less value than his. Then you want to go after half of his and allow him to go after 1/2 of yours. You have to look after your children. If you both carry health insurance on them, then you will want that in your decree. Also now that your children can be on your health insurance until age 27, you will want health insurance to address that issue as well.
|
|
|
Post by Jennifer C on May 25, 2016 1:24:03 GMT
I know that you said that you were a planner and wanted to plan this step out, but be prepared to leave earlier than you are ready.
My best friend had been unhappily married for years. One day she cried on my shoulder and she made the decision to divorce. I went with her to the first lawyers appointment and afterwards, you could see a difference in her. Her mind was made up. She wanted to wait until she knew where she was going and what she was doing.
A week later, she was DONE. Once she had made the decision, she couldn't take any more of the tension and stress. She took the kids to her mom's and allowed all hell to break loose with her husband. He was mad, but she stayed calm and started to put plans in place.
Jennifer
|
|
scrappinmama
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,898
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
|
Post by scrappinmama on May 25, 2016 1:55:48 GMT
Op I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I can understand how you just want to get out. Lauren has given some excellent advice. Hang in there!
|
|
|
Post by txdancermom on May 25, 2016 2:04:22 GMT
talk to a lawyer, there may be a way you can stay in the home, with the kids and not uproot them, and make him move out. some courts like to leave kids with their custodial parent in the family home. and the attorney will have suggestions on how to approach leaving with the kids if that is what you are doing, and get the appropriate court orders in place at the time he is served.
make sure you have someplace away from the house to keep notes/papers you need in your plans.
good luck
|
|
|
Post by Lexica on May 25, 2016 2:43:30 GMT
I am going to urge you to go for everything you can get that is fair and legally yours. I just wanted out of my marriage too, but was talked into making sure I got what I deserved. I am so glad that I did. My ex tormented me for years and years, but he would have done so anyway. That was who he was. It didn't stop until my child was 18 and he was no longer required to spend X amount of time with each parent. You say you have a good job and can support everyone on your own. What happens if something happens to you and you can no longer work? What happens if one of your children needs very expensive long term medical care?
That is what happened to me. My son got cancer and the best treatment for him was in Minnesota. We live in California. It was expensive to take multiple trips and to stay in Minnesota during his treatment, but the Mayo Clinic there had the doctors, expertise, and equipment that was needed to save him. My state didn't have the necessary equipment needed at that point in time, so the only real avenue was to have him treated outside the state. My son eventually went into remission through various surgeries and hospitalizations for treatment. But it was very costly. Insurance only covered 50% because we took him out of state.
As for me, I loved my job and made a good living. I would have been in great shape financially had I still been able to work until my planned retirement age of around 67, give or take. Then about 10 years ago, I needed spinal surgery and ended up a chronic severe pain patient from damaged nerves. Next, I had bad fall a few years later where my elbow was shattered. Then another fall down my stairs head first, landing on my face/head at the bottom of the stairs. And somewhere during this time, I developed fibromyalgia, which really kicked my butt. My doctor had me stop working about 6 years ago or so and even though I didn't want to, I really physically couldn't work any longer. That was not in my plan. I had long term disability insurance, so I'm okay, but I get far less than i was earning.
I have heard many women feel they can do it on their own. Great. Then put the child support and alimony money into a bank account to give to your children when they are ready for college or life on their own. This is money for them too. Make sure they get what they are entitled to through you in the divorce. Half of what you are worth now (assuming a 50/50 state) will eventually go to the kids. Don't make them have to settle for less. And don't gamble that your ability to support yourself and them will always be there. Had I not followed advice and asked for my fair 50%, I would have been in really bad shape. As it was, my ex stopped paying support money as soon as my son was diagnosed at 9 years old. But 9 years of payments was better than none, and I ended up being the one to keep my house, which is now worth a nice sum.
Please, think about this and get what you are legally entitled to. You deserve it, and so do your children.
|
|
FurryP
Drama Llama
To pea or not to pea...
Posts: 7,023
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 19:58:26 GMT
|
Post by FurryP on May 25, 2016 3:35:49 GMT
I am glad you have reconsidered what you ask for, and yes, this is HUGE. You are very brave, and admirable for taking this big step for you own well being. Good luck to you. I hope your freedom comes sooner than later.
|
|
|
Post by pretzels on May 25, 2016 20:24:32 GMT
I know that you said that you were a planner and wanted to plan this step out, but be prepared to leave earlier than you are ready. My best friend had been unhappily married for years. One day she cried on my shoulder and she made the decision to divorce. I went with her to the first lawyers appointment and afterwards, you could see a difference in her. Her mind was made up. She wanted to wait until she knew where she was going and what she was doing. A week later, she was DONE. Once she had made the decision, she couldn't take any more of the tension and stress. She took the kids to her mom's and allowed all hell to break loose with her husband. He was mad, but she stayed calm and started to put plans in place. Jennifer I have found that now that my mind is made up, I am far less concerned about keeping the peace and keeping him happy. If I could just solve the living arrangement issue, I'd be gone tomorrow. I'm still thinking through some options on that, though.
|
|