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Post by krc11 on May 23, 2016 20:40:23 GMT
As hard as it is as a parent and I say this as gently as possible, it sounds like she needs to make some of her own decisions and learn from them. You said she's 20, right? She doesn't really need your permission to move in with guy. I'm actually surprised she's still at your house. Time to let her go. But perhaps offer birth control if she's not already on it.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on May 23, 2016 20:42:56 GMT
She's 20.
Why not try something here, turn the tables and be excited for her, regardless of what you think?
Let her find out on her own what she may take for granted at home.
Get boxes and help her pack!
Make her a little "gift" of some girly stuff she likes like a spa type basket with bath items, shampoo, etc.
She'll either thrive or it will go all to hell like you think.
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Post by myshelly on May 23, 2016 20:45:30 GMT
I don't think there is much to do except offer to pay for birth control and make sure she knows she will always have a place to come home to with no questions and no judgments (and mean it).
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2016 20:53:30 GMT
She does sound immature and very easily led but she's 20 and needs to make her own mistakes at this point. Also, it does sound a bit like you want to make her decisions for her and are probably coming across (to her) as controlling.
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Post by hop2 on May 23, 2016 21:00:35 GMT
She's an adult. She is different than you and she IS entitled to her own opinions. You have to start treating her like an adult. Treating her like she has choices because she does.
I know, as a parent it's HARD to watch your child make decisions that will most likely turn out poorly. Rather than give opinions or advice ( unless asked for ) try asking questions. In person or on the phone because it's easy to feel a text is abrupt or berating even when it's not. Even questions can become overbearing if it's too many any all negative. So choose your things to question wisely. ie when definite harm is looming. Other wise it might be necessary to allow her to make her own choices and fail sometimes. If you want to keep communication open you'll have to treat her like she is capable of making choices and she has the right to make them, even when they are 'wrong' to you.
Questions like have you taken care of .... Did you think if.... Is there a plan when......
Otherwise let her know your there if she has problems and wish her well. Being Supportive doesn't mean you agree with everything she does. Maybe a "I hope that works out, let me know if you need anything and I'll try to help if i can" is all you need right now. You may need to keep some opinions to yourself so you can be supportive of your young adult. Because if negativity is all they get, then they will communicate with you less and less.
Would I be happy if my 19yo moves in with someone next year? No
But I have no right to stop her, berate her over it or anything else because she's an adult. What I do have the 'right' to do is stop paying for her living expenses because if she's grown up enough to move in with someone then she's grown up enough to pay for it. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to prevent her father from blowing his top but it's up to him to maintain his relationship with her and up to me to maintain mine.
Good luck with this it's really so very hard to navigate relationships with young adult children. {{{hugs}}}
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momto4kiddos
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on May 23, 2016 21:02:19 GMT
My ds was using the exact same tactic last summer..."you're yelling at me." Anytime he didn't want to hear what I had to say he'd say it. I finally got smart and asked him if he really thought I was yelling because I was speaking in a normal voice and could yell if he wished. Calling him out on it got it to stop. He was 18 and was immature also. Due to some ongoing conflict he did move out for a time. It was a difficult time, but he grew up a lot and learned to appreciate his place in our home. I'm sure it's a very difficult time knowing that she's changing herself to fit his life. But at 20 there isn't much you can do. I'd call her out when she acts like the victim, but otherwise i'd try to keep your opinions to yourself - at that age they do not want to hear them ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/MNrJDkDuSwqIMVw33MdD.jpg)
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Post by bunnyhug on May 23, 2016 21:06:34 GMT
I agree that it's time to let her grow up and experience the world. What I wouldn't do, though, is offer to pay for birth control--that's a conversation that probably won't end well!
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Post by disneypal on May 23, 2016 21:07:24 GMT
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Of course, as you know, since she is 20, you really don't have much say over what she does. She is correct, in a way, when she says "that is your opinion" because it is just that, your opinion. Her opinion / outlook on a matter is different.
It sounds like she is really making some bad choices and others can see it and as her parent, you definitely can see that and want to help her. You are older and wiser and you just want her to see what you see. Sadly, though, she most likely isn't going to do that.
I know you are mostly venting - I wish that she would sit with you and have an adult conversation and listen to you but it doesn't sound like she is willing to do that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2016 21:11:46 GMT
I don't see where she says she's never wrong. She's just not doing what you want her to do.
Quite frankly, you sound a lot like my mom did when I was 20. Know what? There was very little she was right about and I have a stained relationship at best with her. I tolerate her but do not have that best friend relationship so many here claim to have. It didn't matter what decision i made, it was wrong in her eyes because I wasn't living up to her standards (in other words, brag worthy).
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Post by bigbundt on May 23, 2016 21:13:59 GMT
As hard as it is as a parent and I say this as gently as possible, it sounds like she needs to make some of her own decisions and learn from them. You said she's 20, right? She doesn't really need your permission to move in with guy. I'm actually surprised she's still at your house. Time to let her go. But perhaps offer birth control if she's not already on it. I agree. My mom probably thought I was a lot like your daughter when I was that age. But from my perspective I was trying to break free from my controlling mom. Everything was a battle if it wasn't 100% what SHE would choose. I'm not saying you are controlling or anyway like my mom but our kids are not us and they aren't going to make the same decisions. Now did I make some bad decisions. Hell yes. Were they all horrible? No. But they were MY decisions to make... as well the consequences. The question is: are the decisions she is making truly wrong or just different than what *you* would do? Because your daughter might be asking a similar question: "How do I deal with my mom who is NEVER wrong? "
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Post by scrapmaven on May 23, 2016 21:37:17 GMT
I would let her go and expect the worst as you hope for the best. If you have a college fund set aside, please keep it. If this move is a failure and she breaks up w/the boyfriend she might want to go back to college. She needs more time to mature. 20 is still very young. It really sounds like the boyfriend is controlling her and she wants to make him happy. My concerns are abuse and pregnancy. Both things are out of your control. If you offer to pay for birth control that might set her off. However, if you offer it during the same conversation in which you ask her if she needs you to help her get moving boxes she might be more receptive. All you can do is let her know that her home is always open to her w/o I-Told-You-So's and that if she chooses to come back and re-start college she is welcome. Other than that, wish her well and schedule a family dinner, including the boyfriend at your house each week and let her go. She'll sink or swim, but either way she'll learn a lot about the world. You're right there. She'll come to you when things get rough. No matter how old she is you're still mommy.
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suzastampin
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Post by suzastampin on May 23, 2016 22:47:10 GMT
I would let her go and expect the worst as you hope for the best. If you have a college fund set aside, please keep it. If this move is a failure and she breaks up w/the boyfriend she might want to go back to college. She needs more time to mature. 20 is still very young. It really sounds like the boyfriend is controlling her and she wants to make him happy. My concerns are abuse and pregnancy. Both things are out of your control. If you offer to pay for birth control that might set her off. However, if you offer it during the same conversation in which you ask her if she needs you to help her get moving boxes she might be more receptive. All you can do is let her know that her home is always open to her w/o I-Told-You-So's and that if she chooses to come back and re-start college she is welcome. Other than that, wish her well and schedule a family dinner, including the boyfriend at your house each week and let her go. She'll sink or swim, but either way she'll learn a lot about the world. You're right there. She'll come to you when things get rough. No matter how old she is you're still mommy. Good advice. And, at 20, didn't most of us think we were smarter than our parents and that they only wanted to spoil our fun. As much as it kills us, we have to let them make their own mistakes. With any bit of luck, she will see the light sooner rather than later.
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Post by Rachel on May 23, 2016 23:02:20 GMT
My mom could have written a post about me that sounded much like yours when I was 19. The fact was if it wasn't her idea then she didn't like it. I did move in with that guy when I was 19. We have now been married for 33 years. My mom went on to be a real pain in my ass for years. Some of the stunts she pulled I'm surprised my husband wants anything to do with her.
Then she finally figured out I wasn't changing my mind because she said to. And she figured out that I was an adult and did NOT have to listen to her. I gave her no room to get a foothold in the direction of my life. I suggest you let your dd live her own life. Just because YOU think it's wrong doesn't mean it is. She might surprise you.
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Post by k8smom on May 23, 2016 23:05:27 GMT
Nod and smile, and repeat.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2016 23:18:17 GMT
Never wrong, unwilling to take responsibility for things, can spin any situation to make themselves the victim? Now what if this person is your own child? Im not sure if I'm looking to vent, looking for advice, needing some validation or what. I'm at my wits end. My daughter turns 20 in a couple of months. She is very immature. Always has been. So I don't think she is thinking or behaving like a typical almost 20 year old. All through school I felt like she did great academically, but socially just didn't seem like she was on the same level as her peers. She he has always been the type to react very defensively when we have needed to talk to her about any issues or problems. And we are not the type of parents to freak out or yell. Nothing is ever her fault. I have heard her "apologize" a few times for things but it's usually just to try to avoid a punishment or consequence. She is the master of spinning situations so she is the victim. About a a year ago she started seriously dating someone. I feel like she has just made a rash of bad decisions ever since. She has completely changed who she is. She dresses differently, she has become a huge slob where before her room was clean and organized and now it's a pit. She has gained a lot of weight since dating this guy because he eats out for pretty much every meal and now she does too. She stopped going to college, he doesn't see the value in a college degree and now she doesn't either. She does not hang out with any of her friends anymore. Just him and his friends. They do the things that he likes to do. I feel like HE has become her entire identity. And to top it all off she told us a few days ago that he asked her to move in with him and she thought that was a fantastic idea! And is very offended that we don't share that opinion. Ever since she told us (via text) that she is moving in with him she mopes around and won't talk to us. This morning I finally asked her where she gets off acting so pissed off at us?! She said "well I know you are mad at me because you yelled at me (I expressed some concerns (via text) in a VERY calm manner and asked her some questions about it) so I might as well be mad at you too". I said "you are making some very immature decisions and your behavior right now supports that". Her response to that was "well that's your opinion". This is Her attitude and response ANYTIME we try to talk to her. We are "yelling" at her if we say anything. If we express any concerns that's our "opinion" and she can think for herself. She is completely unwilling to even sit down and have an adult conversation. Oh and I know people will suggest depression and she has definitely dealt with that, and anxiety. We had her seeing a doctor, and a therapist and she was on medication. All of which she has quit because she says that it makes "no difference". Though I saw huge differences in both her attitude and behavior. She claims that right now she is the happiest she has ever been, but her behavior does not show that. Sorry this is so long and rambly. Like I said, I don't even know what I'm looking for here. But any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. I can't talk to her, I feel like she is making some huge mistakes but she is completely unwilling to listen. But like she keeps arguing that she is an adult. So is my only option to just sit back and watch it happen? Well... my way of dealing with someone who is NEVER wrong is to realize "it takes two to tango" And IF **I** stop trying to always be right the other person can also stop having to always be right because the default to MY right is YOU are wrong. Maybe stop treating her like she is always wrong? She is 20, how old does she have to be in order to be allowed to do things differently than you do them? You aren't wanting her to sit down to have an adult conversation. You are wanting her to do your bidding like a child. Stop being right about everything yourself. Give her room to make decisions even if you don't like them.
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Post by bonster on May 23, 2016 23:22:40 GMT
I do wish that she would sit down and have an adult conversation with me. That is my biggest wish through all of this. I don't want to make her choices for her, or control her decisions. That would go completely against many of my core beliefs. I guess I need to take a look at ways that I may be projecting that because that certainly is not my intention. But I can see how my post came across that way. I worry about the consequences of the decisions she is making, but I see how it's time to let her make those choices, and I use the word "let" very loosely. Because I know that isn't up to me.
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Post by mollycoddle on May 23, 2016 23:23:20 GMT
I feel your pain. I work with someone like that. Don't let her bait you into an argument.
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2016 23:29:03 GMT
I do wish that she would sit down and have an adult conversation with me. That is my biggest wish through all of this. I don't want to make her choices for her, or control her decisions. That would go completely against many of my core beliefs. I guess I need to take a look at ways that I may be projecting that because that certainly is not my intention. But I can see how my post came across that way. I worry about the consequences of the decisions she is making, but I see how it's time to let her make those choices, and I use the word "let" very loosely. Because I know that isn't up to me. She can't have an adult conversation with you until she has proven to herself that you will absolutely allow her to have her own way over her own life in every aspect. I was well into my 30s before I could have that adult conversation with my mom. Her way was the only "right" way. Even if I could see the wisdom of her way I could not choose it because it was giving her control over my life. I still don't see it as me lacking maturity but my mom being overly controlling.
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Post by mymindseyedpea on May 24, 2016 1:58:04 GMT
Sounds like my mom. She never admits when she's wrong and always deflects blame. She's not very reactive though. She sounds like she is but there is no bite to it. She has been known to believe too much in what people say. She may be experiencing borderline personality. I view it all on an elemental level but maybe your dd could be experiencing something similar.
Sorry she is going through this and for your experiencing of it.
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my3freaks
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by my3freaks on May 24, 2016 3:12:25 GMT
I was that kid. I moved in with a boyfriend at 19, and I'm sure my parents were not happy about it because they couldn't stand him. My Dad is NOT a keep his opinion to himself kind of guy, so he must have had a mouthful of blood from biting his tongue. I eventually moved back home. I insisted on learning lessons the hard way. I knew I could go home though. It was like I always knew that no matter how bad I screwed up, and I did for a while, I had home, and that made a difference.
Unfortunately, you probably have to let her go learn some lessons the hard way. Hopefully she'll surprise you. I have a 16 year old that is proving to be the same way. I feel your pain. Hugs to you!
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Post by txdancermom on May 24, 2016 3:29:29 GMT
my fil was "always" right.....yeah not - I gave up arguing with him after we had been married a couple years, much less angst. we would take what he told us and do our own thing or research. the one we laughed about for years is that he declared that Houston was 100 miles from Dallas (it's at least twice that).
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Post by lancermom on May 24, 2016 3:36:42 GMT
It is so hard being the parent. My DD thought her BF was the one. Made me vomit in my mouth everytime they talked about getting married etc.. I wanted to scream out that he was s Dbag! But she knew wverything. She left her dream school to come back home to be near him. I am glad she stayed in school. Finally after three years she opened her eyes. Now she has a great guy and is truly happy. All we did was tell her she is always welcomed home. We told her not to put her name on any leases. (They moved in with his friends) When I could see she was noticing more of what we saw. We let her know she could bring anything back home and use our house as storage. And we always told her that no matter the time or place we would drop everything to go get her.
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Post by crazy4scraps on May 24, 2016 4:04:45 GMT
I would have a hard time making that judgement because DH and I got an apartment together when we were about that age. I'm sure everyone thought we would crash and burn, but here we are still together after 31 years, happily married for almost 27 years and doing very well for ourselves. Maybe she will get it together and surprise you, but if she doesn't you can always be her soft place to fall.
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Post by nlwilkins on May 24, 2016 4:49:22 GMT
What kind of situation would she be moving into? Does Boyfriend have a job? an apartment? Enough money to support them? Would she need to work? Maybe moving into a unfortunate situation would open her eyes a little to the realities and maybe she will mature a little and tough it out if she truly loves the guy and not just the image she has of the guy. Or maybe she will see that she is better off at home and come back. If it is love, then nothing you do will change that. Sooner or later she will be living with him with or without marraige. Your role is to be there when ASKED not sooner and not butting into her choices and decisions. VERY HARD on mothers, BTDT
You say he is controlling. Sometimes it seems that way when it is the girl wanting to be be the center of his attention and changing to be so. How old is he? maybe she looks up to him and thinks he knows more than she so follows his lead instead being controlled. It is hard to determine a relationship from the outside. Yes she has changed, but who's to know if she would have changed anyway. We all change in different ways as time passes.
Quitting college is serious, but not life threatening. She can always go back once she feels the need for it. Many don't see the need and thus don't do well. Better off waiting until she has a need for what that college degree can get her so she would apply herself. But perhaps, she is not really "into" college. Have you discussed alternatives, such as technical schools, etc.? It will depend upon what kind of financial situation she lands in when she moves in with this guy. I would suggest you pay tuition if she asks and if she keeps grades up but not any living expenses when she is living out of the home.
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Post by sunraynnc on May 25, 2016 0:35:21 GMT
How is she paying for her life now? Are you giving her money to eat out all the time? I have a 21 yo ds in college and working part time. If he wants to eat out he pays for it.
If she is living at home and not going to college, she should be paying rent. She can make her adult "choices" but she can pay for them!
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Post by ilikepink on May 25, 2016 2:21:27 GMT
The hardest part of parenting is watching our children make what we believe are mistakes. But if they never make mistakes, they don't learn. The best you can do is get some boxes, tell her she's always welcome to come back, and let her make the decisions for herself. It will probably fall apart (but you never know!), and you want her to feel she can come back to you. Keep the lines of communications open.
I had one son have a disastrous and short-lived marriage, he later moved in with another "crazy" girl, and another son who moved in way too soon with another girl. I spoke my piece to them, and waited. Unfortunately, I was right.
Hugs. The toddler years were so much easier!
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grinningcat
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Post by grinningcat on May 25, 2016 12:04:41 GMT
I do wish that she would sit down and have an adult conversation with me. That is my biggest wish through all of this. I don't want to make her choices for her, or control her decisions. That would go completely against many of my core beliefs. I guess I need to take a look at ways that I may be projecting that because that certainly is not my intention. But I can see how my post came across that way. I worry about the consequences of the decisions she is making, but I see how it's time to let her make those choices, and I use the word "let" very loosely. Because I know that isn't up to me. She won't have an adult conversation with you because you're not treating her like an adult. You're treating your 20 year old like she's 12 and you have any kind of say in her life. That and it sound like you talk AT her not WITH her... as in you're not interested in a conversation but rather you just want her to listen and do your bidding. She's 20, you're not the boss of her. You may not agree with her decisions but that's not up to you to fix, condone or even try to stop. She gets to live her life, just like you get to live yours. I don't think she considers you a soft place to land no matter what, but rather someone who constantly judges her every move and her entire existence. Back off and let her breathe and do her own thing. She's 20, let her adult.
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peaname
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Post by peaname on May 25, 2016 12:22:36 GMT
Read about narcissistic personality disorder and see if you think it applies to your DD.
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used2scrap
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Post by used2scrap on May 25, 2016 12:27:53 GMT
Read about narcissistic personality disorder and see if you think it applies to your DD. Narcissists generally don't fall far from the tree...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2016 13:27:31 GMT
I am sorry you are going through this with your DD. I have two people in my life who are never wrong (thankfully not my children). Dealing with them has been beyond difficult and I have learned the hard way that I can not change them. period.
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