FB death notices vs. phone call

This is what happened to me.  I was told in the trauma bay that I had to make phone calls RIGHT NOW.  I was not given time to process the confirmation he was dead.  It was a slow news day and once they found out he was an officer, the news was all over it.  Most of the department knew before I did.  They had me make the notifications from my hospital gurney because the odds of the news releasing the name before family was notified was a concern.  Not to mention the news was spreading like mad throughout the department.  Best way to ever get information fast (not necessarily accurate) hit the media and the Police Department  

My husband did not die on duty.  There have been other accidents in that particular area before due to high winds.  So we weren't anything extraordinary, it was just a slow news day, combined with his job that led to how the notifications needed to be handled.  Everything was super sped up.  no time to process.  no time to figure out the canned speech you would use with the phone calls, no time to have answers for questions that would come up because those answers hadn't been found yet.  No time to scream, or melt down.  Just notify notify notify.  Im sure the phone calls I made and the conversations I had with his family were disjointed and not remotely thought out or done in a loving manner.  It was done out of shock and pressure.  Not the best circumstances in which to notify.  

That doesn't even take into account the people that kept trying to call me back to ask questions, arrange their travel for them etc. wanting more information than I could give etc.  There was nobody at that moment that could make the calls that needed to be made.  I had to talk to people without having any information other than he was gone due to an accident.  People wanted more than that.  They wanted details. I called his mom and his sisters, I told my kids... Everyone else found out in other various forms but not directly from me.  It caused drama.  Everyone felt they had a Right to know by my voice and a right to know the details of how he died, but you know what?  They didn't.  It is not necessary to know the play by play, not that I remembered much at that point anyway.  It is not necessary to hear it from me.  

I have no clue who informed family past his mother and sisters.  I don't even care at this point.  People tend to not take into account the people who are involved in the immediate circle of grief.   With the younger generations leaning more and more on social media for notifications, FB, Twitter, Snap Chat, instagram are going to become the ways these things are handled.  

I think we're similar ages, mid/late 50s. If the sandwich generation can accept it, I would think others could too.

My mom, almost 80, likes the FB posts from my high school friends about their parents if they're people she hasn't kept in touch. She sometimes likes to send a note, and many don't live in our hometown, neither do we.

I had to make the phone calls when my father died. It was so hard to keep having the same difficult conversation. Most of the people that my mother wanted me to call, I didn't even know. I think immediate family and very close friends should be notified by phone call. I think it's an excellent idea to offer assistance in making phone calls. I know I sure would have appreciated that offer.

People want to run to fb to be the first to report news, and they don't even think that immediate family may not all know yet. I would hate to find out through fb that my sibling or parent has died.

I agree  For me it isn't about me and how I receive the information, it's about the people that lost their loved one that has to deal with that loss It's about their pain, not my need for how I receive the information.

I can not imagine having to worry about calling people over and over and yes, consoling them while I was trying to process my own grief and loss. I'm lucky that I have two sisters that will do that for me if I ever need it, but that doesn't change how hard it must be for others

For me, this is two different issues.

1. The tangential people who post about the death before given the okay by the next of kin.m

2. The next of kin choosing to use FB to let people know about the death.

For 1, I think it is the asshattiest thing to do if you don't have the parent/child/SO/closest person to the deceased's express permission and blessing to do so.

For 2, once the other parents/children/SO/closest people, if there are any, (and by closest people I mean people the deceased saw or spoke to on a weekly basis, minus co-workers) he next of kin can inform people, or direct someone to inform people, any darn way they please. FB, phone calls, smoke signals for all I care. Their pain and loss far exceeds any butt hurt people seem to have over the loss of an uncle they hadn't spoken to in over a year. Not to say they don't feel a loss, but there is no comparison.

I don't think it is too much to ask for a person to wait a couple of hours before posting the news of someone's death on Facebook. That gives the family time to call those closest to the departed. I think it is rude and inconsiderate to race to be the first person to post someone's death. If the immediate family wants to post it, they will, otherwise back the hell off and let them have some time to deal with the death and the notifications.

If I have to explain it, I guess you just won't get it.

Some things should just be personally handled amongst family.

My husband found out that his grandmother had passed when his cousin posted it immediately on Facebook. He was on a plane when it happened. His mom was trying to call him in the meantime. It just really sucked to find out his grandmother had passed that way.

I was a fb offender. Unfortunately I didn't realize. 2 people who should have had a phone call from me or someone didn't get one. I felt horrible.
But in my defense my husband collapsed an died for no reason. He was on life support for 40 hrs and I waited until he officially took his last breath before I posted. There were so many people to notify.
I had to call his parents in the middle of the night to tell them their son had died. I called my parents as well and waited until 6 30 - 7am to start calling others. I didn't want to wake them because there was nothing that could be done.
Certain people deserved the personal phone call from me. Others I did ask to call so and so.
But when I realized the 2 people found out via myself even on fb. It was horrible.
I wasn't in my right mind at that point and was mostly on auto pilot. The call to his best friend was one of the hardest.
I get the hurt feeling of find out on fb. I was happy I could post the services that way as it was over xmas so that made it even more fun.
And the worst part is people didn't understand when I would call and say my husband had died. I was trying not to be blunt and to do it properly and not like ripping a bandage off. But in the end I'd have to say he's dead. It sounded so cruel. Because it was so un expected and what have u.
I don't wish the phone calls on anyone. I was trying to be sensitive to everyone else's feelings as well but at the same time I just lost my world.

When my dad passed away, I called my sister, and my dad's sister (my dh and kids were with me) right away. The following day, I called his former secretary (he was retired).

My aunt notified the extended family, my dad's secretary notified his former colleagues.

I wouldn't have wanted my aunt or sister to find out from any way other than a personal phone call, but there was no way I could call all of my cousins and everyone of his friends.

As my cousins learned about his death, everyone of them went onto FB and posted memories about my dad... I loved those sweet messages!

To me the problem with using FB for something important like a death announcement is that FB is unreliable.

You never know who checks FB or when.

You never know if the notice that Aunt Jane passed will appear on Cousin Bob's newsfeed or not.

Immediate family should be told first and privately.

Now, unlike a lot of peas, I wouldn't have a problem with that being done in a text as opposed to a phone call. In fact I would prefer a text.

I don't have a problem learning the news of a relative's death from FB, but the initial post should come from the immediate family - not someone in the extended family. When my sister-in-law died, we got the phone call from my parents. My aunt immediately posted to FB and vaguely at that. IMO, she should have waited until my brother (the husband) posted about it. He did post a day or so later. She is in her 70's so should know better. I mean how hard is it to wait a day until you see the family post about it. Send a private message if you want to offer condolences until they make it public.

Because public postings on FB can be seen ( delivered ) at some incredibly inopportune times.

But mostly my complaint is those who are NOT next of kin who RUN to FB to post or vague book before immediate family can be told. Like my sisters steps son's girlfriend who ran immediately to FB to post my sisters death before my brother in law could call her children and her sisters. Why not wait a f'in minute so people can find out without f'in vague booking shit your posting.

BTW after immediate family is told I do not mind tasteful informative FB notices posted publicly.

It sucks to find out either way but give those immediately affected a bit of time to notify those who may need a better form of notification, better timing or whatever before posting vague stuff that might be hurtful

I can kinda speak to this. When my husband died I notified our immediate family. After all those phone calls, I was emotionally drained. The thought of making more phone calls to friends and distant family was just too much so I posted it on Facebook. I also know my mental state wasn't the best and my judgement may have been wrong.