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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2016 15:17:12 GMT
Can someone please explain to me why it's worse to see a death notice on FB vs. getting a phone call?
Personally either way getting the notice sucks. I think in the future FB notices will become more common and less idk, bothersome (may be the wrong word) to some people.
I imagine 80 or 90 years ago people were bitching about getting notices via phone as opposed to hearing about it in person.
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Post by mlynn on May 25, 2016 15:22:37 GMT
I think the objection to finding out on FB is when it is a family member. Family should be notified before public notifications.
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RedSquirrelUK
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on May 25, 2016 15:25:02 GMT
I suppose because if you're close family and you see it on Fb, then the poster's 273 "friends" who they met on holiday 7 years ago and haven't seen since, might have seen it before you. You have the right to know first, so it adds insult to injury.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2016 15:25:03 GMT
Immediate family should be noticed before it gets posted on social media.
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anaterra
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Post by anaterra on May 25, 2016 15:27:31 GMT
My brother in law was killed in a car wreck last week... i grabbed my husbands cell n my mother in laws cell... to try to call as many family members as i could before it went on fb or the local news page... still didn't make it because 1 of the cousins posted before I could get all the calls made..
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Post by peajays on May 25, 2016 15:27:56 GMT
If this is a s/o of my earlier post, the fb post I saw wasn't a notification. It was an acknowledgement of their notification of his death and their offer of condolences. (This person was a close friend I presume) I spoke to my brother and neither of us knew he'd passed yet.
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scrappinspidey2
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Post by scrappinspidey2 on May 25, 2016 15:44:11 GMT
I can see the draw to using FB for notifications. By the time I informed my children, his mother, and his sisters, plus his work partner and a few other closer, local people, I was flat exhausted. I posted on FB the next day and Im sure there are many who felt they deserved a more personal notification. However, notifications are exhausting mentally and physically. I have no words to describe how each phone call killed a small piece of me. Facebook helped me tell everyone in one move.
I would not have used FB to tell his mom and sisters but anyone after that is fair game in my book. Again due to relationships in general there were some friends that got notification via phone instead of FB but I think that is bound to happen.
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Country Ham
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Post by Country Ham on May 25, 2016 15:46:54 GMT
If this is a s/o of my earlier post, the fb post I saw wasn't a notification. It was an acknowledgement of their notification of his death and their offer of condolences. (This person was a close friend I presume) I spoke to my brother and neither of us knew he'd passed yet. As mean as this might sound in our family nieces/nephews and cousins more then likely would not be considered immediate family. Parents, grandparents, children and siblings. After that I would think people are free to offer condolences to anyone they wish in any format they wish. If I wanted to offer condolences to my sister on the death of say her inlaws, then I honestly may not stop and think "I wonder if there is a niece somewhere who hasn't heard yet". I did see the death of my aunt on FB before I heard about it. She lived back home in Canada. I wasn't mad at my cousin for posting about his mom and I wasn't mad that my Dad didn't make me a priority when his sister died. He called me the first chance he had. ETA: I have 67 first cousins on my dad's side of the family alone. Imagine trying to call every single niece/nephew in a timely manner.
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Post by Darcy Collins on May 25, 2016 15:55:35 GMT
I believe immediate family should be notified first - but beyond that I don't think a fb notification versus a phone call makes a difference to me: IF THEY ARE CLEAR WHO DIED. I detest with every fiber of my being these nimrods who post "my heart is broken" "I'm so sorry for your family's loss" on fb when there hasn't been any notification of what the hell has actually happened. A whole bunch of people are left trying to figure out who died and that is beyond rude. It's happened to me several times this year, and I'm OVER IT. If you are not comfortable stating clearly why you're sad or why you're offering condolences - it's probably because you have no business posting yet and should STFU. Why yes, apparently I am still bitter about this.
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Post by dnkmmw on May 25, 2016 16:07:26 GMT
I think there are two different issues. One is posting a notice of a death on Facebook. In and of itself, I don't think it's an issue after the family deems those close enough have been told. The other issue is people posting condolences. In the post that was recently made, a friend of the deceased's daughter posted condolences. I can't see how the friend would have any way of knowing if the family had been notified and perhaps the immediate family felt that everyone who needed to be told personally had already been told.
Dawn
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Post by mellowyellow on May 25, 2016 16:15:55 GMT
I suppose because if you're close family and you see it on Fb, then the poster's 273 "friends" who they met on holiday 7 years ago and haven't seen since, might have seen it before you. You have the right to know first, so it adds insult to injury.
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scrapaddie
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Post by scrapaddie on May 25, 2016 16:17:55 GMT
If this is a s/o of my earlier post, the fb post I saw wasn't a notification. It was an acknowledgement of their notification of his death and their offer of condolences. (This person was a close friend I presume) I spoke to my brother and neither of us knew he'd passed yet. As mean as this might sound in our family nieces/nephews and cousins more then likely would not be considered immediate family. Parents, grandparents, children and siblings. After that I would think people are free to offer condolences to anyone they wish in any format they wish. If I wanted to offer condolences to my sister on the death of say her inlaws, then I honestly may not stop and think "I wonder if there is a niece somewhere who hasn't heard yet". I did see the death of my aunt on FB before I heard about it. She lived back home in Canada. I wasn't mad at my cousin for posting about his mom and I wasn't mad that my Dad didn't make me a priority when his sister died. He called me the first chance he had. ETA: I have 67 first cousins on my dad's side of the family alone. Imagine trying to call every single niece/nephew in a timely manner. So you simply call one family member in each family and ask them to call the others for you. When my mother died, I asked her sister to call the cousins that I really had not had contact with in years. I called the eldest cousin in another family and asked her to let her 7 siblings know. the problem with Facebook is that a family member may never see it. I am not on Facebook daily and don't scroll through all the postings nor do I always check out the notifications. it could be days before I found out... or longer. when my sister died, her granddaughter found out on Facebook. One of my nieces posted immediately, before I had time to tell her. It was my intention to go to this great niece in person because she had lived with this grandmother for many years and because she has multiple handicaps.
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Post by pjaye on May 25, 2016 16:19:33 GMT
I don't understand the attitude that "you" as the family member are more important and somehow have greater right to something than the family member who is probably closest to the person and has to make all of those phone calls. Why is what you want more important than that person's emotional pain?
I can only assume that the people who bitch about not getting a personal phone call are the ones who have never been in the position to make those phone calls.
I have. I'm an only child and my mother was completely devastated when my father died. I was the one who picked up the phone and called people. Let me tell you that being the one to break that news over and over to other people and to hear the fall apart when that's all you really want to do is a new kind of hell. My parents are both mid 70s and don't have a computer and therefore no facebook, but if I could have done that, I would have. Imagine calling several of your father's closest friends, the ones you grew up looking up to and calling them "Mr & Mrs xxxx" and then suddenly being in a position where you are hearing them sob over the phone. It just tears up your heart a little bit more each time.
It makes me cry even now, 18 months later just typing it out. So yeah, your "I deserve a phone call" is someone else's new form of hell smack bang in the middle of their worst moment of grief. I think people at this time should be shown some compassion and understanding and not additional criticism because you didn't get your phone call. I say, wait until it happens to you, and you get to relive someone's death over and over in multiple phone calls over multiple days and then see how you feel about it.
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Post by Crack-a-lackin on May 25, 2016 16:26:23 GMT
pjaye, I agree with you. Those calls are hard to make and there are only so many you can do.
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joelise
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Post by joelise on May 25, 2016 16:30:39 GMT
I don't understand the attitude that "you" as the family member are more important and somehow have greater right to something than the family member who is probably closest to the person and has to make all of those phone calls. Why is what you want more important than that person's emotional pain? I can only assume that the people who bitch about not getting a personal phone call are the ones who have never been in the position to make those phone calls. I have. I'm an only child and my mother was completely devastated when my father died. I was the one who picked up the phone and called people. Let me tell you that being the one to break that news over and over to other people and to hear the fall apart when that's all you really want to do is a new kind of hell. My parents are both mid 70s and don't have a computer and therefore no facebook, but if I could have done that, I would have. Imagine calling several of your father's closest friends, the ones you grew up looking up to and calling them "Mr & Mrs xxxx" and then suddenly being in a position where you are hearing them sob over the phone. It just tears up your heart a little bit more each time. It makes me cry even now, 18 months later just typing it out. So yeah, your "I deserve a phone call" is someone else's new form of hell smack bang in the middle of their worst moment of grief. I think people at this time should be shown some compassion and understanding and not additional criticism because you didn't get your phone call. I say, wait until it happens to you, and you get to relive someone's death over and over in multiple phone calls over multiple days and then see how you feel about it. I would have liked your comment but it didn't feel right. I just wanted to say I can't imagine how awful that was for you and also that it's very useful to hear a different point of view.
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Post by Dictionary on May 25, 2016 16:35:42 GMT
It's impersonal, end of story. I get that a close relative may be in the grips of sorrow and mourning, but that's why there are other relatives and/or friends who can make those calls.
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christinec68
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Post by christinec68 on May 25, 2016 16:36:33 GMT
I don't understand the attitude that "you" as the family member are more important and somehow have greater right to something than the family member who is probably closest to the person and has to make all of those phone calls. Why is what you want more important than that person's emotional pain? I can only assume that the people who bitch about not getting a personal phone call are the ones who have never been in the position to make those phone calls. I have. I'm an only child and my mother was completely devastated when my father died. I was the one who picked up the phone and called people. Let me tell you that being the one to break that news over and over to other people and to hear the fall apart when that's all you really want to do is a new kind of hell. My parents are both mid 70s and don't have a computer and therefore no facebook, but if I could have done that, I would have. Imagine calling several of your father's closest friends, the ones you grew up looking up to and calling them "Mr & Mrs xxxx" and then suddenly being in a position where you are hearing them sob over the phone. It just tears up your heart a little bit more each time. It makes me cry even now, 18 months later just typing it out. So yeah, your "I deserve a phone call" is someone else's new form of hell smack bang in the middle of their worst moment of grief. I think people at this time should be shown some compassion and understanding and not additional criticism because you didn't get your phone call. I say, wait until it happens to you, and you get to relive someone's death over and over in multiple phone calls over multiple days and then see how you feel about it. I agree with you also. I had to help my mother make those calls 20+ years ago and I still remember how torturous it was to have to repeat those words over and over again. Feeling like I was in the position to have to console someone else when it was my father we were talking about. We asked people to pass the news along but there were still plenty of calls to make and it was hell.
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joelise
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Post by joelise on May 25, 2016 16:40:27 GMT
I had my first FB death recently. I had heard that my aunt had died from my mum, but my uncle and cousins chose to announce her death on her FB account ( this was several days later when I'm sure all family had been informed). They used my aunt's account to announce funeral and memorial details. Many people commented, it was quite disconcerting seeing my aunt's face pop up on my notifications. It was her birthday recently and people have been wishing her happy birthday. I do get a shock everytime this happens. I'm wondering if they ever will close the account. It's thankfully something I've never come across before.
I don't think what they did was wrong, I think people should do what suits them and my aunt certainly wasn't conventional when she was alive.
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Post by pjaye on May 25, 2016 16:47:01 GMT
but that's why there are other relatives and/or friends who can make those calls. No, sometimes there aren't and it's painfully obvious you don't "get" anything about this. Don't make assumptions about other people's lives. I am on only child. My parents and I are the only ones in this country - not a single other relative. It was 9pm and it was literally just me and my mother until some of her friends joined us. Who was going to make those calls exactly? My mother's 80 and 90yo friends? My friends who have never met any of those people? Who exactly? Me that's who, the person who had lost the parent she was closest too. I made them because I wanted to spare my mother the pain of making them.
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Post by peajays on May 25, 2016 16:51:43 GMT
I too have had to make call after call after call when my dad passed, as well as when my mom passed. I know first hand how difficult it is, but it's what you do. We called aunts and first cousins and close friends, and I agree that beyond that, that's what obituaries are for and word of mouth. But when you only have one first cousin to call, it shouldn't be that difficult.
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Jili
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Post by Jili on May 25, 2016 16:55:15 GMT
If this is a s/o of my earlier post, the fb post I saw wasn't a notification. It was an acknowledgement of their notification of his death and their offer of condolences. (This person was a close friend I presume) I spoke to my brother and neither of us knew he'd passed yet. As mean as this might sound in our family nieces/nephews and cousins more then likely would not be considered immediate family. Parents, grandparents, children and siblings. After that I would think people are free to offer condolences to anyone they wish in any format they wish. If I wanted to offer condolences to my sister on the death of say her inlaws, then I honestly may not stop and think "I wonder if there is a niece somewhere who hasn't heard yet". I did see the death of my aunt on FB before I heard about it. She lived back home in Canada. I wasn't mad at my cousin for posting about his mom and I wasn't mad that my Dad didn't make me a priority when his sister died. He called me the first chance he had. ETA: I have 67 first cousins on my dad's side of the family alone. Imagine trying to call every single niece/nephew in a timely manner. I don't think it sounds mean. It's essentially how I feel about it, too. My extended family is very large, and for that reason alone I wouldn't have any problem with a FB notification unless we're talking about one of my own parents or sister. I read the posts by scrappinspidey2 and pjaye and I think what they say really hits me hard. I've not been in a position to make those calls, but I can only imagine how painful that must be. A few years ago my cousin lost her infant son to histiocytosis. She was constantly posting updates on FB--and that's how our large, extended family knew what was going on. It was the easiest way for her to communicate with everyone, and it brought her comfort to share her thoughts and know she was supported. I did find out about his death from one of her posts. I would never have expected a phone call from her or from anyone else. I was just appreciative that I was able to support her and to find out what was going on.
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Post by ilikepink on May 25, 2016 16:57:36 GMT
Back in "the day", that's what we did- made phone calls. And it's not easy - but it's an adult thing to do. When you tell people and they ask what they can do - tell them to make phone calls. I'm also an only child - and had to make the calls years ago when my mom died, and last year when dad died. I couldn't get to my favorite uncle - left a vm to call me, then called his daughter - asked her not to tell him, that I would handle it. And I did.
When a high school friend's husband died the day after they got married, I helped (along with a few others) make those calls. It's what you do.
And I realize I may handle things differently - but when there's a tough job to be done, you roll up your sleeves and do it. The world may be changing with social media, but it can't replace the words that need to be said.
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Post by refugeepea on May 25, 2016 16:58:10 GMT
If you feel the need to post it on facebook, at least have the decency to let people know how the person died especially if it was unexpected. My sister's 39 year old friend died and there was post after post of WTH happened? If it's unknown, say it. If it's suicide, say we are unable to comment on the cause of death. At least acknowledge the numerous people who do care.
I think it's rude if parents and siblings are not told first. In my family the rule is to not put it out there until immediate family knows. Yes, it sucks to make the calls but life isn't fair.
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Post by lisae on May 25, 2016 17:06:53 GMT
I don't understand the attitude that "you" as the family member are more important and somehow have greater right to something than the family member who is probably closest to the person and has to make all of those phone calls. Why is what you want more important than that person's emotional pain? I can only assume that the people who bitch about not getting a personal phone call are the ones who have never been in the position to make those phone calls. I have. I'm an only child and my mother was completely devastated when my father died. I was the one who picked up the phone and called people. Let me tell you that being the one to break that news over and over to other people and to hear the fall apart when that's all you really want to do is a new kind of hell. My parents are both mid 70s and don't have a computer and therefore no facebook, but if I could have done that, I would have. Imagine calling several of your father's closest friends, the ones you grew up looking up to and calling them "Mr & Mrs xxxx" and then suddenly being in a position where you are hearing them sob over the phone. It just tears up your heart a little bit more each time. It makes me cry even now, 18 months later just typing it out. So yeah, your "I deserve a phone call" is someone else's new form of hell smack bang in the middle of their worst moment of grief. I think people at this time should be shown some compassion and understanding and not additional criticism because you didn't get your phone call. I say, wait until it happens to you, and you get to relive someone's death over and over in multiple phone calls over multiple days and then see how you feel about it. I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm an only as well and bare all the responsibility of taking care of things for my parents. It's so tough. I will share what we have done in our family. Last year we had 4 deaths in less than 12 months. When my Dad's youngest sister was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, we were all devastated. In her early 70's she had always been so healthy but we knew there was little time left. My Dad's oldest living brother's daughter didn't want our fathers to hear about her passing over the phone even though it would be expected. So she asked my aunt's daughter, also an only child, to make one phone call to the family to either her or to me so we could spread the word. That is what she did. My cousin whose mother died called my dad's brother's daughter who then called me. We went straight to our parents houses and told them in person and then each family was responsible for calling their other children and grandchildren. For me, I called two of my other cousins whose mother was the oldest and not in very good health. Then her son could tell her of her sister's death. Each of those cousins then notified their children. Someone, my mother, I think, called my dad's youngest brother's widow so she would know and could tell her son's. That covered the entire family with only one phone call from the surviving daughter. Unfortunately we had to use this system again a month later when my dad's oldest sister died and in dreadful circumstances when one of my young cousins died later in the year. When someone young dies, you may not be prepared. As you parents move into their 70's and 80's you are going to have to make these unfortunate calls so it is better to be prepared. I do have one cousin who calls me the 'grim reaper' since I only seem to call him when someone is ill or dead but it is the system that works for us. I really dislike Facebook for so many reasons so it is the last place I would post a death notice, offer condolences or check on the status of pretty much anything.
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Post by keesha on May 25, 2016 17:14:12 GMT
In this day and age it is impossible to control the spread of any news so we will have to learn to accept it. I worry people assume you will see it on facebook and it will be too late when you actually find out to attend a service or be helpful. I too have made the phone calls and it is draining... especially when it's unexpected.
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grinningcat
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Post by grinningcat on May 25, 2016 17:19:41 GMT
Back in "the day", that's what we did- made phone calls. And it's not easy - but it's an adult thing to do. When you tell people and they ask what they can do - tell them to make phone calls. I'm also an only child - and had to make the calls years ago when my mom died, and last year when dad died. I couldn't get to my favorite uncle - left a vm to call me, then called his daughter - asked her not to tell him, that I would handle it. And I did. When a high school friend's husband died the day after they got married, I helped (along with a few others) make those calls. It's what you do. And I realize I may handle things differently - but when there's a tough job to be done, you roll up your sleeves and do it. The world may be changing with social media, but it can't replace the words that need to be said. Did you really just tell people to "adult" and insinuate "suck it up buttercup" and that the only way to do things is your way and if anyone dares to do anything other than to make a gazillion painful phone calls they are not doing their job? Really? Seriously? That's just downright rude and uncalled for. Actually no, that's just assholish. There is more than one way to do something, your way isn't better than any other.
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Post by pjaye on May 25, 2016 17:23:17 GMT
Back in "the day", that's what we did- made phone calls. Got to love "back in the day" as the most irrational reason ever to continue to do something. I just read a quote in a book about 'the past' - "the past is another country where they do things differently" Back before back then... letters were sent with black edges around the envelope, so should we go back to that and you can wait a week before finding out? We did it "back then" because back then a phone call was the only option, there were no computers or text messages or emails or social media. If we all did things like we did back then, there would be no progress in the world. Now we have other options, faster and more efficient options that are less devastating to the person who has to do them, so why do we have to do it the old way when newer forms of communication are now in constant use? Why are we so happy to use them for everything else, yet when it comes to death we suddenly have to do everything the same way it was done 50 years ago when there were no other options?
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grinningcat
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Post by grinningcat on May 25, 2016 17:23:32 GMT
I don't understand the attitude that "you" as the family member are more important and somehow have greater right to something than the family member who is probably closest to the person and has to make all of those phone calls. Why is what you want more important than that person's emotional pain? I can only assume that the people who bitch about not getting a personal phone call are the ones who have never been in the position to make those phone calls. I have. I'm an only child and my mother was completely devastated when my father died. I was the one who picked up the phone and called people. Let me tell you that being the one to break that news over and over to other people and to hear the fall apart when that's all you really want to do is a new kind of hell. My parents are both mid 70s and don't have a computer and therefore no facebook, but if I could have done that, I would have. Imagine calling several of your father's closest friends, the ones you grew up looking up to and calling them "Mr & Mrs xxxx" and then suddenly being in a position where you are hearing them sob over the phone. It just tears up your heart a little bit more each time. It makes me cry even now, 18 months later just typing it out. So yeah, your "I deserve a phone call" is someone else's new form of hell smack bang in the middle of their worst moment of grief. I think people at this time should be shown some compassion and understanding and not additional criticism because you didn't get your phone call. I say, wait until it happens to you, and you get to relive someone's death over and over in multiple phone calls over multiple days and then see how you feel about it. I'm so sorry. I can relate. I think the worst part of having to make these calls or just tell people is the nagging sense that people are making the news about themselves rather than offering true condolences. It just felt so forced and fake. If I could have, I would have made a robocall and just had that making all the calls so I could deal with my own pain. Instead I had to deal with other people's pain and I think that's totally unfair. It is definitely hell. One I'm super keen to avoid again.
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Post by anonrefugee on May 25, 2016 17:30:16 GMT
@janc I'm with you. I'm sure there was a time people were offended the telegraph operator got the word, and told passing neighbors so they could help. Someone was probably offended they knew before the message got to the family.
Should we wait five days so it can be in a newspaper obituary?
Edited to add: why are people here so black and white? It's entirely possible to make a few calls and put it on Facebook too. I've got a good idea which relatives:friends needing urgent info won't see it on FB- because I interact with them enough to realize they aren't my FB Friends- it's not difficult.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2016 17:30:40 GMT
I remember way way in the way back days when a phone call was considered impersonal, inconsiderate and horrible way to break the news. Face to face in person was the only acceptable way to break this news. Now we think a phone call is the right way.
I wouldn't want to find out my child, spouse or parent died on facebook... but beyond that small circle I wouldn't be surprised or upset about it.
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