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Post by jovifan on Jun 2, 2016 3:23:36 GMT
To be honest, I don't even know how to put this into words.
I seem to be struggling with being friendly with the exh, without 'feelings' getting involved. We have been divorced for 6 years. We have kids together. The first part of the D was not good. Last year and a half it was been great. He has grown a lot, changed a ton. He is the guy I wanted how many years ago. More supportive of me in multiple ways than he had been even when we were married.
But I honest to goodness feel like we would never work, there is still a lot of hurt there. He did and said a lot of crappy things.
And its almost like I don't want him but I don't want anyone else to get him either.
Its been great to be able to do things together and everyone gets along.
I have posted before about concerns about us doing things together. But something is telling me to step back. Put the wall up. I've been thinking about him too much lately and I just feel like its not a good thing for me.
I am almost panicy he is going to start a relationship with someone and I wont react well. He went from our marriage to a 5 year relationship with someone basically right away. It was very hurtful. I have not had a relationship with someone since we separated/divorced. I wasn't feeling good about myself and put on weight shortly after. But I've rebuilt myself and have been losing the weight. I'm happy overall. I almost feel like its MY turn to be in a relationship and be happy, etc. I don't want HIM to have that before me. haha. And if he does, it will wreck me.
But I get down because I want to have someone special in my life and there hasn't been anyone. I feel like I did something wrong, I'm a great person, I have a ton to offer someone and yet no one is coming into my life.
I texted him this. Just said I was giving him a heads up that I need to step back because I don't know how to deal with these feelings I am having. That I will act a little cold towards him.
I am hoping someone can validate my feelings or talk me through this. Maybe help me make sense of it all. Does anyone have any advice on how to do this, get along without the feelings? I'm just looking for some help, I guess. I normally feel this way when I'm about to get my period, hahah, but Ive been dealing with this for a while now with no relief. I've been crying all night and I'm not even PMSing so its freaking me out :/
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Post by jenjie on Jun 2, 2016 4:20:12 GMT
I'm sorry. I haven't been where you are. My parents couldn't be in the same room with each other after their divorce. And my dh was my first boyfriend so I've never dealt with a breakup.
It sounds like you're much more comfortable with YOURSELF, which is so important. You've decided that you appreciate the changes in your ex but don't want to be with him. If he gets together with someone else, it's nothing against you. You have decided for yourself
That you don't want him. Appreciate the fact that you can get along for the sake of Your children but don't pursue anything else with him. It is only making things muddled and will confuse your kids.
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Post by Ryann on Jun 2, 2016 5:23:31 GMT
My only suggestion would be to see a therapist that can help you sort out what you are feeling, why you are feeling it and how to move beyond it. Good luck.  |
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428 
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Post by luvnlifelady on Jun 2, 2016 6:23:13 GMT
I can see why you told him but how did he take it? Does he have feelings for you that are romantic or just "caring?" If so, and you said you want to step back, he may up his game just because he knows you're conflicted. Try to be strong and stay true to yourself. Remember why you got divorced in the first place. He may have his game face on around you but he may not be truly changed (but he also might be which would ultimately benefit the kids). Good luck.
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Post by bazinga on Jun 2, 2016 10:53:21 GMT
I think seeing a therapist would help you immensely. I started seeing one before I left my ex and it has really helped me deal with feelings and to not fall into traps (mine or my ex's). Therapy is very difficult, but so worth it. It feels so good to know that you will be ok no matter what other people do. You are in my prayers.
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Post by jovifan on Jun 2, 2016 11:54:52 GMT
I was wondering about a therapist. I've seen some in the past. Not against it, but it can be hard to find one that I like. Someone who will help where I leave and feel better vs just sit and listen to me and leave feeling like that was pointless.
Thanks
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Post by bazinga on Jun 2, 2016 12:10:04 GMT
I was wondering about a therapist. I've seen some in the past. Not against it, but it can be hard to find one that I like. Someone who will help where I leave and feel better vs just sit and listen to me and leave feeling like that was pointless. Thanks It is hard to find a good therapist. You won't always leave feeling better, though. It's a process and it's hard and uncomfortable. There are definitely times when I want to tell him to go F himself, but I trust him completely. My goal was to never be in the position again that I would let someone mistreat me or feel like I'm not good enough. I had to change a lot of my core beliefs and a lot of my behaviors. I am a very different person now, a happy, secure, and free person. I wish you the best of luck. |
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keithurbanlovinpea
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Flowing with the go...
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Post by keithurbanlovinpea on Jun 2, 2016 12:30:18 GMT
I think these are very normal feelings. Anytime someone in our past shows us who they could have been, we wonder "what if" and the fork in the road can seem very, very hazy. Or we get super possessive and don't want to "share" the person that we helped shape into who they are.
People do reconcile after divorce, but I think you need to separate your feelings about him from the standpoint of "He is the guy I wanted how many years ago" vs. what you need and want from a relationship here and now.
This is of course, separate from your feelings of not wanting anyone else to have him.
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eleezybeth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,784
Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on Jun 2, 2016 13:40:31 GMT
You want a name for this feeling? It is grief. Accept the sadness that is coming from inside that you are trying to negotiate. He could be the man... now. He wasn't then. He won't be again. Let yourself grieve this loss of what if. Grief is a process, not a one time event. Even the jealousy is grief. Let yourself grieve that someone else will get the potential you saw. Accept, that potential was never meant for you. Grieve it. Accept the pain that grief causes, recommit yourself, stop trying to control your emotions through his behaviors - that never works. You don't have to be cold to him, you need to grieve. It's over, let it be over.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Jun 2, 2016 13:44:26 GMT
I was wondering about a therapist. I've seen some in the past. Not against it, but it can be hard to find one that I like. Someone who will help where I leave and feel better vs just sit and listen to me and leave feeling like that was pointless. Thanks You need to shop around. You should be able to find someone who you can work with. When I initially went through my divorce I found I need something to do after leaving my therapist every week. I found someone great.. she was actually even free... That was amazing, through a local mental health program, not in the US. I told her I need something to focus on to help me get over the anxiety, anger/frustration I was feeling. Every week she would give me one or two things to "do" and it helped immensely. I hated when I moved and could no longer see her. |
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Post by jovifan on Jun 2, 2016 14:30:43 GMT
You want a name for this feeling? It is grief. Accept the sadness that is coming from inside that you are trying to negotiate. He could be the man... now. He wasn't then. He won't be again. Let yourself grieve this loss of what if. Grief is a process, not a one time event. Even the jealousy is grief. Let yourself grieve that someone else will get the potential you saw. Accept, that potential was never meant for you. Grieve it. Accept the pain that grief causes, recommit yourself, stop trying to control your emotions through his behaviors - that never works. You don't have to be cold to him, you need to grieve. It's over, let it be over. Thank you |
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Post by jovifan on Jun 2, 2016 14:35:10 GMT
I can see why you told him but how did he take it? Does he have feelings for you that are romantic or just "caring?" If so, and you said you want to step back, he may up his game just because he knows you're conflicted. Try to be strong and stay true to yourself. Remember why you got divorced in the first place. He may have his game face on around you but he may not be truly changed (but he also might be which would ultimately benefit the kids). Good luck. I sent him a few quick texts, just because I've been told when I send a longer text it is received broken up and out of order, and just simply said I was giving him a heads up that I need to take a step back, that I'm having feelings that I don't know what to do with and feel like I just need to take a step back. And I said I didn't know how to deal with this so I may act a little cold towards him and that's why. His response was 'well...........' And then something about the kids not wanting to pick up it'. I deleted the text because I do t want them to see the message. I just replied 'yeah' |
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
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Post by luvnlifelady on Jun 2, 2016 14:38:50 GMT
I can see why you told him but how did he take it? Does he have feelings for you that are romantic or just "caring?" If so, and you said you want to step back, he may up his game just because he knows you're conflicted. Try to be strong and stay true to yourself. Remember why you got divorced in the first place. He may have his game face on around you but he may not be truly changed (but he also might be which would ultimately benefit the kids). Good luck. I sent him a few quick texts, just because I've been told when I send a longer text it is received broken up and out of order, and just simply said I was giving him a heads up that I need to take a step back, that I'm having feelings that I don't know what to do with and feel like I just need to take a step back. And I said I didn't know how to deal with this so I may act a little cold towards him and that's why. His response was 'well...........' And then something about the kids not wanting to pick up it'. I deleted the text because I do t want them to see the message. I just replied 'yeah' Aww sorry that he was so short with you. Sometimes it's hard to put yourself out there but good for you for letting him know so he's not all confused by it. Good luck moving forward. I remember when we separated and I wanted to reconcile (not saying that's your situation) but wearing your feelings on your sleeve can be risky when you're trying to be transparent to the other person. |
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River
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Posts: 3,575
Location: Alabama
Jun 26, 2014 15:26:04 GMT
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Post by River on Jun 2, 2016 14:45:02 GMT
I have no advice other than a therapist that's already been mentioned.
I just wanted to give you a hug and let you know that you can always come here when you need some therapeutic comfort.
Stay strong and the right path and or person will come.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Jun 2, 2016 14:49:26 GMT
I agree you need to find someone to talk to, and not your ex. I would also be careful about how much you tell your ex. It's a heady thing for a man to hear he's wanted and I would hate for him to take advantage and hurt you further.
Therapy isn't about making you leave feeling good. It's about you finding out what you need to do to make yourself feel good.
Based on your post I'm going to suggest you're not ready for a new relationship until you detach your feelings from your old one.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 8, 2024 6:39:37 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 2, 2016 15:34:51 GMT
There is a reason he is an EX.
Talking to a counselor is a great idea.
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Post by Prenticekid on Jun 2, 2016 16:15:59 GMT
Actually, you do have someone special in your life. You. Take care of you so that you are happy with your situation no matter what it happens to hold. A man, especially an ex, isn't going to make you happy or whole unless you already are.
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Post by jovifan on Jun 2, 2016 17:10:50 GMT
Thanks guys. I have felt whole in the past. Probably have a little depression that's lingering, I go up and down but it usually subsides after a few days. Not this time.
I don't feel like he was short with me, he probably doesn't know what to say. I
Do at times feel he still has feelings there too. The things he does or sometimes says make me think this.
He has told me he is very content with how things are in his life and with me. I am too with the exception of this. I get he doesn't want the kids to have to be affected but for myself , I can't continue to go like we have been.
I have talked to him about things more than I should be. I need to stop that too.
Thank you for the replies and for try kind words. It really does mean so much.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jun 2, 2016 17:54:24 GMT
I agree you need to find someone to talk to, and not your ex. I would also be careful about how much you tell your ex. It's a heady thing for a man to hear he's wanted and I would hate for him to take advantage and hurt you further. Therapy isn't about making you leave feeling good. It's about you finding out what you need to do to make yourself feel good. Based on your post I'm going to suggest you're not ready for a new relationship until you detach your feelings from your old one. This. You are treating him like he is your best friend, your husband. He's not. Why can't you just step back and not tell him? It's your life. Why did you have to share that with him? did you want him to say, yes, I have feelings too? has he always thought of how things would be picked up by the kids? Or have you? and now he's playing this card back? he's a dick. Move on. |
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Post by ilikepink on Jun 2, 2016 20:17:45 GMT
While most of the time you can't go back, it does work sometimes. But just because he's being nice and acting like the guy you wanted, doesn't mean that's who he is. Longing for a relationship doesn't make a relationship with him the right thing to do. There are reasons why you divorced, and you and he aren't the same people who married or divorced each other. Separate what you really, honestly, deep in your soul want for a husband/life-partner, and the face that he is demonstrating. And, as others have said, talking to a counselor may help. Getting along with the father of your children is one thing, but be careful of your heart.
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Deleted
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Oct 8, 2024 6:39:37 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 2, 2016 20:18:51 GMT
You need to stop having any sort of emotional intimacy with him. He's your ex. Even if he changed his ways and is finally acting like the man you thought he could be or was, he still has a history with you that cannot be erased. He knows you're conflicted. He can and will play on that. Why did you split up?
Ex and I split in 2003. Divorced was finalized at the end of '04. We spent '04 through about half of '09 fucking with each other emotionally - some on purpose, most not. He did most of the game playing. I ended up in counseling for a little while and realized that he simply was NOT healthy for me. No matter how much one of us tried to convince the other or ourselves that we could get past it, the truth was the past will always be there and will never go away unless we got some drugs to wipe our memories. We would have periods where we would be like good friends and I would find myself thinking much like you. Do not fall into that trap. Even if he is on his best behavior now, he got away with shitty behavior with you for how long? He knows that he could very easily go back to his old ways and you'll just bend over and take it. But until then, he has to woo you again.
At some point, he'll find someone and all that support, friendship stuff will be gone. You need to get yourself in a place where you don't care. You can be polite to each other but you do not need to be best friends.
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Post by mlynn on Jun 3, 2016 0:22:46 GMT
I can see why you told him but how did he take it? Does he have feelings for you that are romantic or just "caring?" If so, and you said you want to step back, he may up his game just because he knows you're conflicted. Try to be strong and stay true to yourself. Remember why you got divorced in the first place. He may have his game face on around you but he may not be truly changed (but he also might be which would ultimately benefit the kids). Good luck. I sent him a few quick texts, just because I've been told when I send a longer text it is received broken up and out of order, and just simply said I was giving him a heads up that I need to take a step back, that I'm having feelings that I don't know what to do with and feel like I just need to take a step back. And I said I didn't know how to deal with this so I may act a little cold towards him and that's why. His response was 'well...........' And then something about the kids not wanting to pick up it'. I deleted the text because I do t want them to see the message. I just replied 'yeah' From what you have posted about what you have told him, it could go either way. What I mean by that is that it could be that you are having positive/romantic feelings toward him or you could be that you are having negative/angry feelings toward him. Especially when you mention that you may see cold towards him. And not wanting the kids to pick up on it could mean either, too, so I am not sure you have a clear indication of which he thinks it is. |
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Post by jovifan on Jun 3, 2016 1:44:21 GMT
Lots of awesome points with everyone's replies. This is what I needed, thank you all so much!
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Post by scrapmaven on Jun 3, 2016 2:13:11 GMT
I know a couple people who are very good friends w/their ex husbands/wives. That doesn't mean you have to either get married or leave. Is it possible that he's just a good friend? ITA that therapy would be a really good idea at this point to help you clarify your feelings and help to find out if it's what you really want.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jun 3, 2016 2:58:01 GMT
I know a lot of couples that are friends with their ex's too. The difference IS, that they are all in other relationships/marriages with other people. The ex isn't treated like their best friend, or confident or their primary opposite sex relationship. They don't have ANY sort of feelings for that person, or confusion. I feel like she is just setting herself up to get hurt. She is latching on to something she had, and he is being nice to her now to get along for the kids. So she's feeding in to this, vs moving on. It's pretty hard to move on to someone else when you keep thinking what if, and are confiding and being besties with the ex. He's most likely going to move on at some point like someone else pointed out, and then what?
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Marina
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Posts: 2,509
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Post by Marina on Jun 3, 2016 4:35:54 GMT
It's so hard, isn't it having to continue a relationship with an ex as it can reopen wounds and also what once brought you together. I think you need to write out on paper why it won't work and remind yourself of that. I don't think it's wise to have any kind of intimacy, emotional or otherwise. It's important to keep an ex at arm's distance, viewing them not as your ex but as your child's father only.
Also I think it's so important before getting into a new relationship being content with who you are and your life as a single parent. I think often when people are their happiest being "solo" they tend to find that special someone.
Best wishes to you as you figure things out. These are just my thoughts. You need to weigh out what rings as truth to you from everyone's comments.
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Post by Florida Cindy on Jun 3, 2016 13:06:40 GMT
Oh sweetie.....back with the ex?  ? Hell no! You have experienced what you want in life! You can have fun, meet new people and no strings attached.....for whatever your choices. Your Ex-DH knows he can put the strings on you and make you his puppet. No, no, no!!!! The ball of life is in your court. There is more to life than your ex. Have fun and do everything for yourself. It's so empowering. You deserve it. |
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oldcrow
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Posts: 3,828
Location: Ontario,Canada
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Post by oldcrow on Jun 3, 2016 17:58:12 GMT
I know this is going to bring me a lot of drama. But I say this with your best interest in mind.
Here you are making excuses for him and reading his mind. You are trying to justify your feelings and actions. Hoping he will respond the way you want him to so that you can go back to being happy. Well, you weren't happy hence the divorce. He has told me he is very content with how things are in his life and with me. Listen to what he has said here. He is telling the truth. Leave things as they are or haul ass and get on with your life. Check out some of the articles on thoughtcatalog.com that deal with what you are going through. |
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