mabeldays
One Post Wonder
Posts: 1
Jun 7, 2016 14:39:36 GMT
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Post by mabeldays on Jun 7, 2016 15:10:34 GMT
Old Pea who is to ashamed to post as myself but hoping for some outside experience, advice, words and hopefully a little understanding and compassion
DH and I have been together for about 28 years (lived together 27 years) and married for 19 years. To say we have been through good times and bad times is 1,000% true.
I am absolutely positive that we both have been miserable for a long time and have not really talked to each other in forever. He has had multiple bouts of addiction/abuse of alcohol, prescription drugs, otc drugs, depression, job losses, and has back and knee injuries where sometimes he is laid up on the couch forever. I try to be patient with him but all of that is making me a miserable bitch and sometimes I just honestly hate him sometimes. I am the one who does everything with the kids and I become resentful when I see other Dads who do everything for their kids. It has probably been about 6 or 7 years since we have been intimate. This really happened after the stillborn birth of our last child after a few years of infertility treatments. We have not been to counseling.
There was a time when we were genuinely happy and healthy and in love. Some time around when our kids were born everything just started going south and we have had many more bad times than good.
Last night I had a vivid dream where he was seeing someone else and I said to my dream self it is ok, you tried, it is not working, now it is time to get on with your self. I felt myself non dream self breath a sigh of relief.
I am not sure what to do. I want to have a wonderful, loving, caring husband but am not sure I am with that person. Can we change? I think he feels that he is not pulling his weight in our marriage but is just to depressed, physically hurt (injuries and over weight) to put the work into the relationship.
Any BTDT advice appreciated.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 19:28:01 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2016 15:14:51 GMT
We have not been to counseling. I think this is your first step. You need someone to guide you through all of this, there's a whole lot of different issues that need tackling.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Jun 7, 2016 15:15:47 GMT
I would suggest counseling. I've posted about our struggles and while we're compatible as friends, the marriage part is on shaky ground. I want it to work but feel like I'm also pulling all the weight with the relationship, the house, 80% with the kids and I'm working a lot now on top of it all. I used to be a SAHM so wasn't as resentful but now I simply can't shoulder it all alone.
We've been married for 22 years and my only advice is not to settle. Some people say, hey he's a good dad, works hard and doesn't abuse you, be happy. Well, I want more. Passion has left the building and I don't want to live another possible 50 years without the excitement of being with somebody. Not sure what the answer for us is but I hope you find your's.
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Post by momstime on Jun 7, 2016 15:19:58 GMT
To start, I think we are all capable of change. Having said that, the only person who can do the changing is you. You cannot force someone else to change....BUT you can give him the incentive to change. It sounds like it is a time for a come to Jesus meeting. Get some boundaries you can live within. Note your unacceptables. Create a plan that you can both be happy with, because I can guarantee that he is just as miserable as you are. You say your dream left you feeling like you really tried to fix this relationship, but nothing in your posts suggests you have tried. No counseling, no communication, etc. Start there. Don't throw in the towel before you've extinguished every fire of possibility. Start with changing yourself. Find something that brings you joy and do it on repeat. Your joy will be contagious. If your dh is as willing to work on things as you he should probably start with getting off the drugs and alcohol. Start something as simple as an evening walk together. Talk while you are walking. Hold hands. I hope I'm not sounding too PollyAnna, but often it is really that simple. We make it much more complicated than it should be. Hang in there. It's not over yet.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jun 7, 2016 15:33:55 GMT
I agree the first step is counseling, see if he'll go. Go alone if he won't. It's a hard step to take sometimes, but it's a necessary one. We've tried marriage counseling on a couple of occasions and I finally realized that hubby was in it to change ME. He didn't want to do any work on himself (and trust me he needs to, lol.) The last time we started counseling was really eye opening to me and while it didn't last long and he no longer goes i've continued to go. I am changing ME because that is the only person you can change, but he likely isn't going to be happy once someone has finally gotten me to change Counseling, go by yourself, ask him to go, but go!! Good luck, hoping things get better for you soon!
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Post by Linda on Jun 7, 2016 16:02:29 GMT
prayers
I agree with the others that counselling is probably the best first step - together if possible, on your own if not
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Jun 7, 2016 16:43:00 GMT
counseling is such a valuable tool... talking with someone totally impartial and outside the situation can be immensely helpful, just to have a listening ear. I also recommend it for yourself if not for both of you together- or for both of you together AND both of you separately (the same or different counselor), if your DH would agree to it.
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amom23
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Jun 27, 2014 12:39:18 GMT
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Post by amom23 on Jun 7, 2016 16:48:46 GMT
Why does everyone always say counseling is the 1st step? Isn't it possible to realize on your own that just maybe you aren't happy or in a healthy relationship and that you deserve better? OP if you have to ask on a public message board then you already know what you need to do.
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Post by ilikepink on Jun 7, 2016 16:52:16 GMT
Another vote for counseling. When I found out that XH cheated, I wanted us to go. At first he said no for us, but said I obviously needed some help (was crying my eyes out at the moment, having just had my life as I knew it ripped out from under me; not a pretty moment). He later said he would go. When we got there, he said he didn't want to try to save our marriage. Not good news to hear, but it allowed me to continue to see the counselor and realize I was more than a crying pile of snot.
Whatever happens, you need to find joy and happiness in your life, and a counselor of some kind will help you to find it. If your DH comes along for that ride, great; if not, do it for yourself.
Hugs.
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Jun 7, 2016 16:55:27 GMT
Why does everyone always say counseling is the 1st step? Isn't it possible to realize on your own that just maybe you aren't happy or in a healthy relationship and that you deserve better? OP if you have to ask on a public message board then you already know what you need to do. ^^^ the OP said there was a time when they were genuinely happy and in love but a lot of things changed in the intervening years that could have a really detrimental effect on a relationship-- why wouldn't you want to at least try to re-gain what you used to have, if you could?? or at least learn how to deal with the bad things that have happened in a more positive way than depression and substance abuse??
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Post by peanuttle on Jun 7, 2016 16:58:42 GMT
Why does everyone always say counseling is the 1st step? Isn't it possible to realize on your own that just maybe you aren't happy or in a healthy relationship and that you deserve better? OP if you have to ask on a public message board then you already know what you need to do. Yes, it is possible, but if she wants to try and salvage the relationship, I think couseling is the first step.
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Post by mlynn on Jun 7, 2016 16:59:03 GMT
I went through a period of time during which I hated my husband. It did pass.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 19:28:01 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2016 17:02:27 GMT
Why does everyone always say counseling is the 1st step? Isn't it possible to realize on your own that just maybe you aren't happy or in a healthy relationship and that you deserve better? OP if you have to ask on a public message board then you already know what you need to do. Dealing with the aftermath of a still birth, problems with alcohol and drugs in a partner is huge and something the op obviously needs help with just for her own sake even if she knows the relationship is over. It isn't about realising she isn't happy or in a healthy relationship, it's much deeper than that.
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Post by ladytrisha on Jun 7, 2016 17:08:38 GMT
Another vote for counseling.
I tried, in vain, to suggest it for my BIL/SIL but the counselor they went to 1 time was about getting them thru divorce (he didn't know that).
SO ... that said, make sure you ask the counselor if they counsel on how to save, improve and bring love back into the marriage and not about preparing you for divorce (my friend is a therapist and I didn't even realize that type of thing existed).
Marriages go thru phases and sometimes having that impartial voice to give you new tools or ideas is so worth it. We got thru a rough patch with it - and funny enough we still use tools that our Pastor gave us in pre-marital counseling 36 years ago.
Marriage is work - and it's very cool to get to the point where you enjoy working at it instead of laying there waiting for something to happen to you.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 19:28:01 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2016 17:10:55 GMT
Why does everyone always say counseling is the 1st step? Isn't it possible to realize on your own that just maybe you aren't happy or in a healthy relationship and that you deserve better? OP if you have to ask on a public message board then you already know what you need to do. Because even if in the end, she decides to leave/divorce him, there will be no regrets. Knowing that she did try everything for herself, him and the kids. And it sounds like they will need it either way...
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used2scrap
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Posts: 6,089
Jan 29, 2016 3:02:55 GMT
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Post by used2scrap on Jun 7, 2016 17:12:48 GMT
Why does everyone always say counseling is the 1st step? Isn't it possible to realize on your own that just maybe you aren't happy or in a healthy relationship and that you deserve better? OP if you have to ask on a public message board then you already know what you need to do. Counseling is an easy suggestion...but there are some shitty counsellors out there that can do some real damage to marriages on the brink. Not all counsellors are created equal. I think far too many people have too high expectations and visions of how life and marriage "should" be. Comparison is the thief of joy. And it just isn't physically or chemically possible to have the same hot and heavy passion for 50 years! That being said, a partner who is depressed and or has addiction issues, you cannot change that. But you can most certainly figure out why you are tolerating it, figure out your boundaries, make them known to the spouse, then move on with your own changes accordingly. From your dream it sounds like you want an "easy" solution, and seems your spouse has settled into "easy" as well. Raising kids and working and tending to life and a house and jobs and friends and family is not easy if it is successful. It just isn't. Bottom line, either with a counselor or on your own, take the time to do a lot of soul searching to figure out what you want that you can change and control. Then figure out if you can tolerate the H as is, or make a plan to move on.
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Post by refugeepea on Jun 7, 2016 17:12:52 GMT
Why does everyone always say counseling is the 1st step? Isn't it possible to realize on your own that just maybe you aren't happy or in a healthy relationship and that you deserve better? OP if you have to ask on a public message board then you already know what you need to do. I see your point when it comes to marriage counseling. While, I understand it can be very helpful for an individual, I also know how difficult it is to obtain mental health services. Some people cannot make that giant commitment because of many other factors. Yes, it's helpful but not obtainable for many.
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Post by peasapie on Jun 7, 2016 17:32:23 GMT
Is there a reason you haven't done counseling? Are you both willing?
The fact that you've both been unhappy for a long time and neither are talking about it is interesting. Does that mean neither of you cared enough to fight for intimacy? Or were you both afraid to broach the subject for fear of things ending altogether? There are some red flags in your post-the birth of children, the loss of a child-that can be tremendously stressful on a marriage. Many people need help learning to talk about these things in order to heal. Whether it is couples counseling or individual, I think communication is about these is essential.
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Post by ladytrisha on Jun 7, 2016 17:34:26 GMT
Counseling is an easy suggestion...but there are some shitty counsellors out there that can do some real damage to marriages on the brink. Not all counsellors are created equal. I think far too many people have too high expectations and visions of how life and marriage "should" be. Comparison is the thief of joy. And it just isn't physically or chemically possible to have the same hot and heavy passion for 50 years! That happened with the counselor my BIL saw. SIL came in with a 3 page typed list of everything he did wrong. He had no idea that was coming - and yes, he's a shit, but I think when one person goes in with a prepared list and he comes in and gets blindsided, you've set it up to fail - which it did quite spectacularly. She is still looking for her Mr. Perfect Passion ... but in her mid-50's, all the Mr. Perfects aren't there - they're tired and taken. The pile to choose from is more like Mr. Normal with occasional bouts of oh that was fun LOL
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 19:28:01 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2016 18:36:43 GMT
That happened with the counselor my BIL saw. SIL came in with a 3 page typed list of everything he did wrong. He had no idea that was coming - and yes, he's a shit, but I think when one person goes in with a prepared list and he comes in and gets blindsided, you've set it up to fail - which it did quite spectacularly. She is still looking for her Mr. Perfect Passion ... but in her mid-50's, all the Mr. Perfects aren't there - they're tired and taken. The pile to choose from is more like Mr. Normal with occasional bouts of oh that was fun LOL
I was one that got blindsided and I thought it was so unfair, but in the end while we quit that counselor, our marriage did end up surviving and for the better. I always felt that the counselor that allowed that to happen was an idiot. I called it being black and blue verbally. I do think that DH seeing how much he hurt me with those words realized something from it and honestly has never done it again. For some reason he felt really "safe" and that counselor allowed him that without thinking of MY safety. So I don't think all counseling is great, but do think it should at least be a step in the process.
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Post by krc11 on Jun 7, 2016 19:23:02 GMT
She is still looking for her Mr. Perfect Passion ... but in her mid-50's, all the Mr. Perfects aren't there - they're tired and taken. The pile to choose from is more like Mr. Normal with occasional bouts of oh that was fun LOL OMG, what a perfect expression! Mr. Normal with occasional bouts of oh that was fun!. You have just made me appreciate my DH more.
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Post by kryssy on Jun 7, 2016 19:28:15 GMT
She is still looking for her Mr. Perfect Passion ... but in her mid-50's, all the Mr. Perfects aren't there - they're tired and taken. The pile to choose from is more like Mr. Normal with occasional bouts of oh that was fun LOL Yes -- if you choose to leave, don't do it because you want to find someone better... because you may not. Do it if being alone is better than being with him. Then if you do find passion and romance again, BIG BIG bonus.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jun 7, 2016 19:46:51 GMT
I am just going to say, I was married to a depressed, alcoholic. There was no changing him. Six years later, he's the same as he was back then. I had an aha moment and realized I was just done trying. I had tried to change him and he wasn't changing. I think that's what you need to determine. A counselor can help you work through things, but again, if he isn't going to change you have to decide whether you want to put up with that for the rest of your life. With that said, I did go to counseling by myself, for myself, following the divorce to work through my issues and it helped immensely. But I knew he wasn't going to change and I did not want that for the rest of my life.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 19:28:01 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2016 19:55:23 GMT
Why does everyone always say counseling is the 1st step? Isn't it possible to realize on your own that just maybe you aren't happy or in a healthy relationship and that you deserve better? OP if you have to ask on a public message board then you already know what you need to do. Because after 28 years, one owes it to one's self and one's family to try one more thing before giving it up. And it also helps even if the ultimate decision is to proceed with separation/divorce. There's so many mine fields and traps that are involved, emotionally, that its best to get oneself to a good place to handle it because in the end, the kids are the ones who pay the price no matter what choices are made. If at least there's a healthy process followed, the damage done could be lessened.
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Post by polz on Jun 7, 2016 20:42:42 GMT
Going to a counsellor is just not a New Zealand thing to do. I went to a grief counsellor when my Nan passed and it was odd. Last year when we nearly divorced, I was my own counsellor. My style was no holds barred, full barrel assault and if he didn't like it, he could leave. I think once you are at a point of ignoring each other for years you have to have a come to Jesus talk. We have been brutally honest with each other. It hurts. We are in a much better place now. I read a quote once that was something along the lines of the only thing worse than being in a terrible relationship for 20 years is being in it for 20 years and one day.
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Post by woodysbetty on Jun 7, 2016 20:47:57 GMT
I think you need to be honest with yourself about what you need...life is short, so why waste your moments...take small steps toward shifting the situation...your path will unfold and you will know what to do...hugs to you!!!
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StephDRebel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,692
Location: Ohio
Jul 5, 2014 1:53:49 GMT
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Post by StephDRebel on Jun 7, 2016 20:55:50 GMT
Counseling. I don't make serious decisions like terminating a marriage without being able to lay my head down at night peacefully knowing that I tried everything I could
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Post by lisacharlotte on Jun 7, 2016 22:30:39 GMT
I don't look at counseling as trying to save a marriage, be it a 6 month or 40 year marriage. I look at counseling as finding out why you are unhappy and what you need to do to make yourself happy. Nobody can do that but you. If your husband can't or won't make an effort to try to change his situation, that's on him. If you choose to stay or leave, that's on you.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,387
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Jun 7, 2016 22:46:12 GMT
Another vote for counseling. I tried, in vain, to suggest it for my BIL/SIL but the counselor they went to 1 time was about getting them thru divorce (he didn't know that). SO ... that said, make sure you ask the counselor if they counsel on how to save, improve and bring love back into the marriage and not about preparing you for divorce (my friend is a therapist and I didn't even realize that type of thing existed). Marriages go thru phases and sometimes having that impartial voice to give you new tools or ideas is so worth it. We got thru a rough patch with it - and funny enough we still use tools that our Pastor gave us in pre-marital counseling 36 years ago. Marriage is work - and it's very cool to get to the point where you enjoy working at it instead of laying there waiting for something to happen to you. This! You need to find a counsellor who will work with you to SAVE your marriage. I'm gonna give you the tough medicine. You took vows - for better or worse, in sickness & in health. Well, this is the worse & the sickness part of it. Life isn't all fun & games all the time. Sometimes being an adult is rolling up your sleeves & doing the hard work, even when you don't want to do it. You're both suffering from the grief of the loss of your child. I truly am sorry that happened. It happened to a family member of mine. They have been through the wringer together - they are still going through it. He has serious issues with depression. She's had to find ways to find some fun in her life for the times when he's not up to going out, being social. She's developed hobbies, she has a good friendship network... she's never cheated, and she's never left, because she was raised that marriage is for life. I have learned so much from watching the grace with which she's handled this situation. I remember once in church our pastor saying that love isn't a feeling - love is a behaviour. It is a choice. A bunch of the younger folks didn't quite understand what he meant. I immediately thought of this couple. I wish you the best; I truly do. I hope you'll go to a counsellor & figure out how to make your marriage work. It's the right thing to do.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 19:28:02 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2016 23:06:55 GMT
I've been married for all of two years so I'm in no way qualified to give any advice whatsoever.
But DH and I struggle to communicate sometimes and that's what usually leads to pulling away, etc, so my advice would be to agree with the others who said to open the lines of communication and start there.
Hugs to you..and good luck
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