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Post by drawkcab on Jun 7, 2016 19:31:05 GMT
My dad recently passed, my mom's been gone more than 10 years. My mom's passing was hard, my dad's harder. I'm not sure if it's the feeling of being an orphan or something else.
I find myself wanting to be kinder, less able to deal with BS less tolerant of being treated unkindly more wanting to really live
Does this make any sense?
If you've been through this (i'm sorry... hugs) do the feeling get less intense over time? Was there anything you did that brought you more peace than something else?
Thanks in advance!
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MorningPerson
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,543
Location: Central Pennsylvania
Jul 4, 2014 21:35:44 GMT
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Post by MorningPerson on Jun 7, 2016 19:44:28 GMT
I find myself wanting to be kinder, less able to deal with BS less tolerant of being treated unkindly more wanting to really live I'm so sorry for your loss. I just want to say that what you're describing sounds like a very healthy and positive way to deal with things. Some of us become bitter with loss, or want to dig a hole and hide, or drink away our sorrows, but your reaction is something I'll bet your parents would be proud of. SaveSave
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 19:27:28 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2016 19:47:41 GMT
I get it. I just lost my dad 3 months ago very suddenly and my mom 10 years ago and just this morning had a major cry over my parents. It's been hard realizing that they are both gone now.
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Post by mom on Jun 7, 2016 19:51:36 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss.
I have only physically lost my mom, but since her passing, my dad has chosen not to have a relationship with his children.
I get what you are saying and I think its healthy. Things come more in focus when your world has been shaken.
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Post by anniefb on Jun 7, 2016 19:56:46 GMT
So sorry for your loss. I can relate and even though it sounds strange to me to be thinking of myself as an 'orphan' in my late 40s, that's exactly how it felt. My Dad passed away in 1994 and I lost my Mum 4 1/2 years ago.
I was really close to Mum and her death struck me particularly hard. I've heard similar comments from a couple of friends who've also lost both parents. Be gentle on yourself as you go through the process of grieving. I think it's at times like this that we do reassess and want to focus on the important things.
I think what's helped me is my faith, and the fact that I have a little niece now nearly 3 yrs old. And over time it has got easier. Sending hugs.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 19:27:28 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2016 19:59:37 GMT
so sorry for your losses..
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Post by drawkcab on Jun 7, 2016 19:59:44 GMT
Thank you all for your comments. They literally make me cry.
After my mom passed I realized I can be a sorta mom to myself and be as kind to myself as I am not others, which helped. I raised my daughter on my own but wouldn't even have a clue how to be a dad. Well maybe that comes with really living, dad's don't tend to have as big of a cautious side as mom's do and have more of a dust it off and get back on the bike attitude.
I'm sorry for your losses. Mom, I'm sorry your dad has made the decision he has. Hugs
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Post by femalebusiness on Jun 7, 2016 20:14:18 GMT
I miss my dad terribly. He was the most decent human being that I've ever known. Since his death I have tried to be a nicer, more tolerant person just to honor him.
My mom on the other hand is still alive and kicking and heading for 100. She's too self absorbed to actually die. She'll out last us all.
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Post by Merge on Jun 7, 2016 20:21:01 GMT
It's been nine years since my parents passed. The feeling of being an 'orphan' has never gone away. I think the biggest change that has come about for me is feeling the freedom to find my own path and listen to my own inner voice. While scary, it's also been very liberating. I'm definitely less tolerant of BS and more likely to speak my mind, but that might just be that I'm also over 40. I'm sorry for your loss. It sucks, but it does get easier with time. Be patient with yourself and remember there's no wrong way to grieve - only your way.
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Post by ilikepink on Jun 7, 2016 20:23:06 GMT
I do understand. My mom will be gone 20 years this fall, and it's been just over a year since dad died. I found myself holding onto things my mom had and acting the way she would for a long time after she died - I guess feeling I had to keep her alive. I try to act in a way that would make my dad proud. Frequently I have an overwhelming feeling of sadness that they aren't here to share things with - especially regarding my sons. I feel that they are watching from heaven, and that helps me a lot.
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Mystie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,300
Jun 25, 2014 19:53:37 GMT
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Post by Mystie on Jun 7, 2016 20:30:09 GMT
I'm sorry. I'm not where you are, but I know I will be one day. You sound like a strong and thoughtful person--your parents must have been awesome people, too! I have a friend who lost her teenage son--not the same I know--and she has just blown me away by actively seeking to do good in order to honor his memory. I respect that so much. You seem like the same kind of person. Hugs to you!
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gottapeanow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,817
Jun 25, 2014 20:56:09 GMT
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Post by gottapeanow on Jun 7, 2016 20:33:57 GMT
I am so sorry for your losses. My dad died when I was 18 and my mom when I was 34. Her death devastated me much more than my dad's because she had held our family together, and I was now an "orphan." I was single with no kids and no relationship, which made it even harder to cope. My faith helped me immensely. Immensely. I now have children of my own and wish desperately that they could have known her, especially since their bio gma on their dad's side takes little interest in them. The scars from the losses are still there, but the throbbing pain is gone. In addition to my own children, I am now a "mother" to many who need some extra love. Prayers for healing for those who are hurting. Lisa
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Post by woodysbetty on Jun 7, 2016 20:38:20 GMT
I t makes perfect sense...like you I lost my Mom first and then my Dad. Losing Mom was really hard but Pop was even harder...this sense of being without family anchors is really strange....but it does get easier......hugs!!
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,840
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Jun 7, 2016 20:49:24 GMT
My dad recently passed, my mom's been gone more than 10 years. My mom's passing was hard, my dad's harder. I'm not sure if it's the feeling of being an orphan or something else. I find myself wanting to be kinder, less able to deal with BS less tolerant of being treated unkindly more wanting to really live Does this make any sense? If you've been through this (i'm sorry... hugs) do the feeling get less intense over time? Was there anything you did that brought you more peace than something else? Thanks in advance! There is a book, 'The Mid-Life Orphan', that really helped me to give words to my feelings. (hugs)
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Post by NanaKate on Jun 7, 2016 21:11:08 GMT
OP, I totally relate to everything you posted and just wanted to say I feel all of what you listed even more so after losing my younger brother to cancer two years ago. (((HUGS)))
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Post by papersilly on Jun 7, 2016 21:16:12 GMT
I think the loss of a parent puts a lot of stuff in perspective. you want to live life in such a way that your parents wouldn't "roll over in their graves" if they knew what you were up to after they died. you want to be stronger because you no longer have them to turn to. you want to embrace life because their death is a reminder that we all go at some point.
my mom died 6 years ago. my dad is still here. I suppose I will feel like an orphan someday when my dad is gone too.
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Post by Karmady on Jun 7, 2016 21:22:47 GMT
I'm so sorry for your loss. I completely understand. My father died suddenly in 1997 and I was devastated. He came to my house all the time to hang out and have tea. We got along so well. For 6 months I thought I heard him at the door My heart broke that day. My mother died in 2012. She had lung cancer and was fine for 1 1/2 yr but the last 6 months were horrible. My mother was so difficult, self absorbed and probably narcissistic. She was still yelling at me for not doing enough when she was near death. Ugh. I think about my parents every, single day. I have fond memories of dad and hard memories of my mother. I really thank goodness every day for my own family and the time we get to spend together. I have a huge extended family but only one unmarried brother. No nieces or nephews by him.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jun 7, 2016 21:34:05 GMT
I'm so sorry for your loss. I haven't lost my parents yet but I lost my brother three years ago and I had a lot of the same feelings. I feel now that I want to embrace his sense of adventure and try everything. I also feel like I want to live my life in a way that is honorable and would make him proud.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jun 7, 2016 22:11:56 GMT
I'm so sorry for your family's loss. It does get better with time though. MIL passed away five years ago today, my mom passed away roughly six weeks later so we got a double whammy that year. My situation was a little different because my mom had Alzheimer's so to me it felt like we "lost" her way earlier than we actually did. Of course we loved her like always, but it was a very different experience compared to when I lost my dad to cancer decades before.
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CeeScraps
Pearl Clutcher
~~occupied entertaining my brain~~
Posts: 3,894
Jun 26, 2014 12:56:40 GMT
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Post by CeeScraps on Jun 7, 2016 23:02:43 GMT
I'm sorry for your losses. It brings tears to my eyes with what you said.
My dad died in '96 and my mom in '01. The morning after I came home from being with her in the hospital I looked in the mirror and I said...."we're now orphans". It hit me like a brick wall.
I still have a huge hole in my heart. My dad never knew our dd as I was pregnant with her when he died. My mom knew our dd for 4 years. Our dd has very special memories of being with her. She misses her terribly.
Anyway....{{{hugs}}}....
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Post by drawkcab on Jun 7, 2016 23:21:57 GMT
I'll check out that book lostinspace, thanks. And thanks to all of you. I'm so sorry that there are so many of us in this club. Both my parents spent the last year of their lives in the hospital. Them both being out of pain is about the only thing that brings me peace. I had a brother and my mom's mom pass between them too. Thank goodness I have my baby brother still, he is the best, but he lives out of state.
I really love the idea of doing things in their memory. I'd thought about what to do this year for my dad's birthday but to do something ongoing would be much better.
Love the Peas!
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Post by 950nancy on Jun 7, 2016 23:27:01 GMT
I was much closer to my mom than my dad. But when he passed, it seemed like I lost my whole family. I get the orphan statement. And the wanting to be kinder. My mom died in 1989 and my dad in 2001. It does get better in the fact that you still miss them like crazy, but you learn to cope with the loss. Hugs.
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,840
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Jun 7, 2016 23:32:09 GMT
I'll check out that book lostinspace, thanks. And thanks to all of you. I'm so sorry that there are so many of us in this club. Both my parents spent the last year of their lives in the hospital. Them both being out of pain is about the only thing that brings me peace. I had a brother and my mom's mom pass between them too. Thank goodness I have my baby brother still, he is the best, but he lives out of state. I really love the idea of doing things in their memory. I'd thought about what to do this year for my dad's birthday but to do something ongoing would be much better. Love the Peas! Perhaps you could give a gift for a senior at Christmas, in memory of your parents. Many seniors do not get gifts at Christmas. This is something that I do.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 19:27:28 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2016 23:51:07 GMT
I understand and sympathize.
Mom passed suddenly in 2000 and I stepped into her shoes to take care of my dad. I never really mourned mom. I also had a 9mo old. I was busy!
Dad died in 2006 after a long illness. I was relieved he was in a better place, but the huge amount of grief when I realized I was an orphan now hit me like a freight train.
It was better for a while. With DB'S passing, it's all quite fresh again.
Hugs to all. ♡♡♡
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jun 8, 2016 11:01:49 GMT
I haven't been through that, but I wanted to offer (((hugs)))
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