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Post by kimpossible on Jun 8, 2016 23:05:40 GMT
UPDATE: My FIL passed away this weekend. Things had taken a bad turn last week and we thought if they could treat some of the side effects he was having, they could keep him comfortable for a few months. But, he passed away in his sleep when both of his kids had left the hospital for the evening. Thank you all for your supportive and kind thoughts. The poem that you posted Coffeetalk was especially comfortaing to DH last week. Both of my parents are deceased now, but my DH is having to take turns giving rides, meals, etc. to his Dad who has Stage 4 Lung Cancer that has matastasized into his bones. My FIL was a real SOB before this, he treated his DW like crap and overall, just not a nice person. My DH has a heart of gold and between him and his sister (who lives out of state) are preparing for the end with dear old Dad, but he is not yet in Hospice. As the pain has increased, his bullying, yelling, complaining, insulting, downright abusiveness to my DH has increased. Granted he was super picky before and everything had to be his way or no way - but it has been taken to a new level. Today, bless my DH's heart, he had enough and just told his Dad while giving him a ride to chemo, "Dad, to save us both from getting more angry, let's not talk". My DH then called me after he dropped him off to vent as he can't do it to anyone else and I just listened and let him vent. He has a caregiver come in daily to perpare small meals and do some light housework -but Dad refuses to have her do more, even though she is willing to do more. My DH still has to do the grocery shopping, errands, etc. She could do all of this. I've also been called in to help when I can and I do so because, well, that's what you do for family. I've had my own interaction with him and had to tell him that if he can't be nice around me, I'll leave. We know that his end will be near (months is what his doctor has told him) and therefore this "control freak" of a man is going to let us all know what a poor job we are doing. Very frustrating, I have a saint of a DH, he is being a dutiful son and taking it like a champ. But I'm sure there are some of you out there that have been caregivers and oh my gosh - so mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting.  |
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AllieC
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by AllieC on Jun 8, 2016 23:08:46 GMT
Such a stressful situation. I agree, carergivers have the patience of saints at times.
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caro
Drama Llama
Refupea 1130
Posts: 5,222
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Post by caro on Jun 8, 2016 23:12:11 GMT
It is exhausting. DH, only child, has been a caregiver to his mom. She is in a nursing home but still demanding.
My brother and I care for my mother who still lives alone. It's very difficult. Old people, who were once nice, lose their filters and say the most hurtful things to their family.
I'm sorry for your DH.
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Post by cherrie on Jun 8, 2016 23:13:03 GMT
God Bless you, your DH and all caregivers! I have the nicest son in law and he was raised by a witch of a mother! Isn't it amazing how well they can turn out after being raised in that environment?
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,826
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Post by scrapngranny on Jun 8, 2016 23:22:26 GMT
You would think your FIL would like to spend his last days in harmony with his family. I cared for my dad in his last years, so I know how hard it can be. At least my dad appreciated what I did.
Your DH is a great guy for putting up with being degraded when he is the one helping out. Care giving impacts the whole family, but you both will be able to know in your heart you did the right thing. Hugs.
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Post by elaine on Jun 8, 2016 23:24:58 GMT
(((Hugs))) to you and your DH. What a hard situation.
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Post by Zee on Jun 8, 2016 23:31:27 GMT
I just wouldn't do it. I don't care if he's dying, if he's always been an asshole, that's even more reason to tell him the caretaker will be taking on more duties.
I get that dying people can be really nasty at times because of what they're going through, I've been around plenty of them and I just let them vent, I'm paid to do that.
But a family member who's always been nasty? I'd have no guilt in telling him that if he can't be civil, he can be alone.
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Mystie
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by Mystie on Jun 8, 2016 23:35:17 GMT
One of my good friends is currently caring for two very elderly relatives in her home right now: her husband's uncle (92) who is wheelchair-bound, and her own mother (91) who is very frail and has advancing dementia. I think she and her husband must be saints! They are so good to them, too. It really takes a lot of love and strength.
I am so sorry that your husband is receiving so much abuse from his dad. It's good that he can vent to you.
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Post by kimpossible on Jun 8, 2016 23:43:02 GMT
Trust me Z*G I would love to do that! I'm limiting my time with him for that reason and only when they need me to step in and help do I go.
Very hard for DH, but I know if he didn't help his guilt after his father passes would be worse.
Damned if you do - damned if you don't situation.
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Post by christine58 on Jun 9, 2016 0:51:20 GMT
kimpossibleWhat if the caregiver that comes in for short periods of time did some of the errands and grocery shopping without your FIL knowing? She could drop the groceries at your house, have DH give her a list of errands... Just a thought to take some of the pressure off.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 13:45:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2016 1:21:23 GMT
Sometimes you have to be forthright and tell them to stop. That they aren't allowed to be mean to you. Boundaries.
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Post by Blind Squirrel on Jun 9, 2016 1:27:35 GMT
Caregivers are indeed special people.
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Post by kimpossible on Jun 9, 2016 14:19:54 GMT
kimpossible What if the caregiver that comes in for short periods of time did some of the errands and grocery shopping without your FIL knowing? She could drop the groceries at your house, have DH give her a list of errands... Just a thought to take some of the pressure off. Thanks Christine58, she does have the ability to grocery shop for him...he is so picky that he ends up criticizing any brand that she gets that he doesn't think was a good choice or on sale. A perfect example happened yesterday, he gave her a list of a few things needed at the store - light bulbs for a bathroom light, trash bags and applesauce. She returned from store, apparently he got upset because the light bulbs weren't the store brand, the trashbags had the drawstring (apparently he doesn't like that) and in the 30 minutes she was gone, he all the sudden now has an aversion to applesauce and waved it off. She was obviously frustrated and text my DH to ask if there was anything she could have done to make him happy - DH tells her no, that is how he is right now and told her that he will take care of the store runs from now on. He can brush his Dad off on the stupid things like what brand, etc. and would much rather him deal with that than Dad taking it out on the caregiver. Yesterday was an especially trying day with him. |
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Post by femalebusiness on Jun 9, 2016 14:30:56 GMT
I just wouldn't do it. I don't care if he's dying, if he's always been an asshole, that's even more reason to tell him the caretaker will be taking on more duties. I get that dying people can be really nasty at times because of what they're going through, I've been around plenty of them and I just let them vent, I'm paid to do that. But a family member who's always been nasty? I'd have no guilt in telling him that if he can't be civil, he can be alone. This! I will never understand people who put up with assholes. Why, why, why would anyone do that? |
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Post by kimpossible on Jun 9, 2016 14:50:59 GMT
Yes, I agree...my DH promised his Mom before she passed to take care of him....you know those deathbed promises can come back to haunt you .
He literally has no one else to help him. He has alienated his extended family.
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Post by mikklynn on Jun 9, 2016 15:10:20 GMT
kimpossible What if the caregiver that comes in for short periods of time did some of the errands and grocery shopping without your FIL knowing? She could drop the groceries at your house, have DH give her a list of errands... Just a thought to take some of the pressure off. Thanks Christine58, she does have the ability to grocery shop for him...he is so picky that he ends up criticizing any brand that she gets that he doesn't think was a good choice or on sale. A perfect example happened yesterday, he gave her a list of a few things needed at the store - light bulbs for a bathroom light, trash bags and applesauce. She returned from store, apparently he got upset because the light bulbs weren't the store brand, the trashbags had the drawstring (apparently he doesn't like that) and in the 30 minutes she was gone, he all the sudden now has an aversion to applesauce and waved it off. She was obviously frustrated and text my DH to ask if there was anything she could have done to make him happy - DH tells her no, that is how he is right now and told her that he will take care of the store runs from now on. He can brush his Dad off on the stupid things like what brand, etc. and would much rather him deal with that than Dad taking it out on the caregiver. Yesterday was an especially trying day with him. You are right - your DH is a saint. My FIL was a PITA, too, but when he was terminal, he got a lot more gentle and almost childlike. I'm so sorry you are both going through this.
I am telling you and your DH this: It is OK to say "Dad, enough." Add whatever you have to.
I have been the caregiver for my DH during his very long cancer journey. He is an absolute doll who never complains. BUT, every once in a while I have to tell him enough. He has no patience and I can only do so many things at one time. Please know it is OK to speak up. It took me a long time to realize this.
Hugs to you both.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 13:45:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2016 15:18:49 GMT
I have come to this realisation with my Mum, I've been bending over backwards for so long to do absolutely everything she wanted me to do and I just reached the end of my rope and started saying no. If she pouts and feels like she's hard done by it's just tough.
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valincal
Drama Llama
Southern Alberta
Posts: 5,768
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Post by valincal on Jun 9, 2016 15:23:35 GMT
Your DH is an amazing man and your FIL a lucky one. Big hugs to you both during this stressful time. Take care.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 13:45:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2016 15:28:29 GMT
I am so sorry that your family is going through this. I cared for my dad when he was dying from metastatic bone cancer and he was a sweet, grateful, awesome patient. Even with his wonderful attitude, it was very, very hard. It is an awful disease. I cannot imagine how you all can do this.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 13:45:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2016 15:48:29 GMT
To be blunt:
No matter how much your husband does for this person, it will never be enough. AND your husband will still be racked with guilt, because he could not please this person.
Your husband needs to realize that his father is a user and will drag your husband down with him.
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Post by kimpossible on Jun 9, 2016 15:57:38 GMT
Thanks Christine58, she does have the ability to grocery shop for him...he is so picky that he ends up criticizing any brand that she gets that he doesn't think was a good choice or on sale. A perfect example happened yesterday, he gave her a list of a few things needed at the store - light bulbs for a bathroom light, trash bags and applesauce. She returned from store, apparently he got upset because the light bulbs weren't the store brand, the trashbags had the drawstring (apparently he doesn't like that) and in the 30 minutes she was gone, he all the sudden now has an aversion to applesauce and waved it off. She was obviously frustrated and text my DH to ask if there was anything she could have done to make him happy - DH tells her no, that is how he is right now and told her that he will take care of the store runs from now on. He can brush his Dad off on the stupid things like what brand, etc. and would much rather him deal with that than Dad taking it out on the caregiver. Yesterday was an especially trying day with him. You are right - your DH is a saint. My FIL was a PITA, too, but when he was terminal, he got a lot more gentle and almost childlike. I'm so sorry you are both going through this.
I am telling you and your DH this: It is OK to say "Dad, enough." Add whatever you have to.
I have been the caregiver for my DH during his very long cancer journey. He is an absolute doll who never complains. BUT, every once in a while I have to tell him enough. He has no patience and I can only do so many things at one time. Please know it is OK to speak up. It took me a long time to realize this.
Hugs to you both.
Whoa - I wish he had turned sweet, gentle and childlike, it would have been so much better than this! Thanks for the kind words and so sorry about your journey with your DH. |
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Post by lisacharlotte on Jun 9, 2016 15:58:22 GMT
Maybe I'm just a bitch. I refuse to feel guilty about not allowing someone to treat me and others like shit. He can get with the program or not.
And, while I do feel for your husband, being nice and having a heart of gold is not the same thing as allowing others to treat you badly.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 13:45:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2016 16:14:00 GMT
My dad passed away in February after a long illness. My mom was his total caregiver for the last 2.5 years. He didn't want anyone else to help him to the shower, toilet, etc. But finally we convinced him it was hospice coming to help or a nursing home. He was very demanding and my mom gave in to every demand. He was angry about how helpless he was, and the only thing he had control over was her. As much as she did for him, sometimes he still berated her. Knowing how kind and protective he was toward her before the illness took over every aspect of his life, it made it so much harder for her to deal with the angry him. But jenjie share something about her and Fred when Fred was ill - it's the disease talking. Mom was able to use that mantra to get her through some really difficult times. And she was able to stand up for herself more, too. OP, your DH has no reason to feel guilt about his dad. He has gone above and beyond what most family would do for a person who treats them this way. As others have said, nothing will please his dad, so don't use the unkind words as a measure of how much your DH helped. You know the truth of it. |
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Post by coffeetalk on Jun 9, 2016 16:35:05 GMT
Thanks Christine58, she does have the ability to grocery shop for him...he is so picky that he ends up criticizing any brand that she gets that he doesn't think was a good choice or on sale. A perfect example happened yesterday, he gave her a list of a few things needed at the store - light bulbs for a bathroom light, trash bags and applesauce. She returned from store, apparently he got upset because the light bulbs weren't the store brand, the trashbags had the drawstring (apparently he doesn't like that) and in the 30 minutes she was gone, he all the sudden now has an aversion to applesauce and waved it off. She was obviously frustrated and text my DH to ask if there was anything she could have done to make him happy - DH tells her no, that is how he is right now and told her that he will take care of the store runs from now on. He can brush his Dad off on the stupid things like what brand, etc. and would much rather him deal with that than Dad taking it out on the caregiver. Yesterday was an especially trying day with him. You are right - your DH is a saint. My FIL was a PITA, too, but when he was terminal, he got a lot more gentle and almost childlike. I'm so sorry you are both going through this.
I am telling you and your DH this: It is OK to say "Dad, enough." Add whatever you have to.
I have been the caregiver for my DH during his very long cancer journey. He is an absolute doll who never complains. BUT, every once in a while I have to tell him enough. He has no patience and I can only do so many things at one time. Please know it is OK to speak up. It took me a long time to realize this.
Hugs to you both.
Yes to this. DH is caregiver to me and the kindest guy ever. I can get frustrated and feisty. I told him to look me square in they eyes and tell me, ''Enough'' when I'm unreasonable and that rattles my cage and calms me back down. It has made a huge difference in our relationship. Your FIL needs to hear this. OP, you may want to share this with your DH Rights of a Caregiver Take care of myself. This is not an act of selfishness. It will enable me to take better care of my loved one. Seek help from others even though my loved one may object. I recognize the limits of my own endurance and strength. Maintain facets of my own life that do not include the person I care for, just as I would if he or she were healthy. I know that I do everything that I reasonably can for this person, and I have the right to do some things for myself. Get angry, be depressed and express other difficult emotions occasionally. Reject any attempt by my loved one (either consciously or unconsciously) to manipulate me through guilt, anger or depression. Receive consideration, affection, forgiveness and acceptance from my loved one for as long as I offer these qualities in return. Take pride in what I am accomplishing and to applaud the courage it sometimes takes to meet the needs of my loved one. Protect my individuality and my right to make a life for myself that will sustain me when my loved one no longer needs my full-time help. Expect and demand that as new strides are made in finding resources to aid physically and mentally impaired persons in our country, similar strides will be made toward aiding and supporting caregivers. SaveSave |
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Post by kimpossible on Jun 9, 2016 17:45:55 GMT
Nicksmom and Coffeetalk - thank you, both were what I needed to hear and will most definitely pass on to DH.
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Post by mom on Jun 9, 2016 18:04:05 GMT
I am so sorry you and your DH are in this position. Its hard. <3
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raindancer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,095
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Post by raindancer on Jun 9, 2016 18:14:12 GMT
Your poor dh.
My dh's grandmother was terrible to her daughter (my mil) and every single hired caregiver. They all quit. It was awful. She survived her daughters death another 10 years and my dh had to help her. Such fun.
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Post by keesha on Jun 9, 2016 21:28:42 GMT
When they are in that mode it is so hard to live with. My mom is stuck in negative mode with hints of meanness. I cope with it by accepting it and not trying to change the behavior. I tried everything possible and finally realized there is nothing I can do to remedy the situation. I will validate that she said something but not react or play the game. It does help that she is in assisted living now. I couldn't do it full time-- and with her dementia and poor decision making she would be in danger unless I watched her every minute. I hope her place honors their commitment to accept medicaid when she runs out of money. It is so expensive even though she only needs the lowest level of care. My heart goes out to you DH....
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Post by mikklynn on Jun 10, 2016 12:20:17 GMT
You are right - your DH is a saint. My FIL was a PITA, too, but when he was terminal, he got a lot more gentle and almost childlike. I'm so sorry you are both going through this.
I am telling you and your DH this: It is OK to say "Dad, enough." Add whatever you have to.
I have been the caregiver for my DH during his very long cancer journey. He is an absolute doll who never complains. BUT, every once in a while I have to tell him enough. He has no patience and I can only do so many things at one time. Please know it is OK to speak up. It took me a long time to realize this.
Hugs to you both.
Yes to this. DH is caregiver to me and the kindest guy ever. I can get frustrated and feisty. I told him to look me square in they eyes and tell me, ''Enough'' when I'm unreasonable and that rattles my cage and calms me back down. It has made a huge difference in our relationship. Your FIL needs to hear this. OP, you may want to share this with your DH Rights of a Caregiver Take care of myself. This is not an act of selfishness. It will enable me to take better care of my loved one. Seek help from others even though my loved one may object. I recognize the limits of my own endurance and strength. Maintain facets of my own life that do not include the person I care for, just as I would if he or she were healthy. I know that I do everything that I reasonably can for this person, and I have the right to do some things for myself. Get angry, be depressed and express other difficult emotions occasionally. Reject any attempt by my loved one (either consciously or unconsciously) to manipulate me through guilt, anger or depression. Receive consideration, affection, forgiveness and acceptance from my loved one for as long as I offer these qualities in return. Take pride in what I am accomplishing and to applaud the courage it sometimes takes to meet the needs of my loved one. Protect my individuality and my right to make a life for myself that will sustain me when my loved one no longer needs my full-time help. Expect and demand that as new strides are made in finding resources to aid physically and mentally impaired persons in our country, similar strides will be made toward aiding and supporting caregivers. SaveSaveThis is great advice. You sound like a pretty terrific person - I love that you told your DH to tell you when it's enough. |
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Post by Karmady on Jun 10, 2016 14:22:41 GMT
Good for your dh. It is so stressful and hard. I was a caregiver for my mother until she moved into palliative care. I still went to help at the palliative hospital a few times a day as she wouldn't eat for them. My mother was a total PITA. She was always a difficult and mean spirited person but after brain radiation, she became more like an Alzeheimer's patient. She still had the mean streak but was also very confused. It was so difficult. It was complicated more by my older relatives who said things like "you should hold her hand". Um, I'm not even sure if she likes me. She told me that she hated when people touch her and she's miserable as sin. I tried hard to let her comments fly over my head and just get her to the finish line with dignity and as pain free as possible. Oy. I'm also the primary caregiver for my son with Cerebral Palsy and Autism. Some days are challenging for sure. He's 21 and still wakes up like a newborn screaming all night. Respite care for him this weekend  Sleep for me. |
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Sleep for me.