breetheflea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,381 
Location: PNW
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Post by breetheflea on Jun 9, 2016 3:01:34 GMT
I'm not sure that title says what I mean exactly.
I'm part of a group that meets every month. We used to have maybe 10 people, in the last few months that number has probably doubled. I don't like speaking in public in the first place but now that the group is larger I feel like every time I'm talking I am getting cut off by louder people. Not in a mean way but you know someone cracksa joke and then when everyone is done laughing, they move on to the next person in the group and I never got to finish a sentence.
I'm an introvert, I know. I also have a quiet voice. But lately it seems like I might as well not talk at all. I can't even keep my mother-in-laws attention for an entire conversation.
I think I'm just tired and frustrated today but it's quite annoying!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 15:27:43 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2016 3:06:59 GMT
"as I was saying..." in a slightly louder voice.
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Post by katlady on Jun 9, 2016 3:19:02 GMT
It happens to me. I get your frustration. Even with smaller groups I will get cut off by the louder voices, not in a mean way either. Sometimes I wait until there is a gap in the conversation and jump in real quick with what I was trying to say, other times I just give up and let the conversation move on.
For your big group, I feel like there should be somebody facilitating things (maybe not formally) so that everyone gets to speak. I've been in big groups and if someone isn't finished speaking or we miss someone, somebody else will usually speak up and say "Hey, it is still breetheflea's turn."
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jun 9, 2016 3:22:26 GMT
Look into Toastmasters.org, public speaking can be learned no matter how introverted you are. I used to be pretty quiet too, but I took improv acting classes in high school and that really helped me get over my fear of public speaking. If I wouldn't have had that opportunity I definitely would have looked into Toastmasters.
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Post by femalebusiness on Jun 9, 2016 3:23:02 GMT
You are not going to change outgoing people. You need to change yourself and learn to speak up. I know it sucks but really that is the only solution besides just not participating. If you just give up it is a loss for both you and the group.
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Post by redrulz on Jun 9, 2016 3:25:16 GMT
You are not going to change outgoing people. You need to change yourself and learn to speak up. I know it sucks but really that is the only solution besides just not participating. If you just give up it is a loss for both you and the group. This is very good advice. Just learn to speak up for yourself. It will get easier, I promise! |
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Post by vjlau on Jun 9, 2016 5:22:50 GMT
That sucks! I don't think there is a real solution besides just trying to speak up - don't be afraid to stop someone else from starting.
As someone who is on the opposite side, I've actually realized after the fact, that I've cut someone off. I honestly don't mean to, and I feel bad.
I just sometimes get into a conversation. More than once I've gone over a chat or group event in my head and thought badly of myself after. I've railroaded the conversation or interrupted when I didn't mean to.
On that point - I would say to you, call me out on it. I don't think anyone would mean to cut you off, and it's okay to say something!
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Post by Scrapbrat on Jun 9, 2016 12:00:31 GMT
You are not going to change outgoing people. You need to change yourself and learn to speak up. I know it sucks but really that is the only solution besides just not participating. If you just give up it is a loss for both you and the group. Sorry, but this is it. You have to change if you want to be heard. |
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Post by gar on Jun 9, 2016 12:04:38 GMT
Maybe observe how others handle it if they get interrupted or talked over then try whatever they do. It might be a phrase you could use or sitting forward when starting to speak again...
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Post by pelirroja on Jun 9, 2016 12:22:23 GMT
Be loud, succint, firm and clear when you have the floor. Speak louder and when you are speaking and all eyes focus on you, make sure your voice volume is still loud and clear and you are not dropping to a quieter voice or averting your eyes. Anyone who interrupts and has an outgoing personality is not going to be insulted by you pointing out that you were speaking. And p.s. you might even get an apology sometimes.
If this is happening in multiple situations, you need to figure out what behavior you are doing that is giving someone an opportunity to take the floor away from you. People jump in when someone else's voice drops or their attention wanes as they are speaking. I'm guessing you're dropping your volume or getting fidgety or uncomfortable when the attention is focused upon you. Speak up and keep going. And if you get interrupted, find a spot to retake your place and say "As I was saying. . . ."
Toastmasters is a good place to learn or pick up on body language. There's something you are doing that is causing this reaction in different social situations and settings. Speaking up is a learned skill.
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Loydene
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,639
Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico
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Post by Loydene on Jun 9, 2016 12:33:54 GMT
I saw this with all due respect -- but also say something worth listening to. If you "add value" to a discussion, then people might start stopping to listen.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
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Post by mallie on Jun 9, 2016 12:35:52 GMT
Toastmasters is an excellent idea. There, you will get honest feedback about your voice and presentation style.
One thing to keep in mind is that if you have a quiet voice, a certain % of people simply can NOT hear you, especially if the room has a good number of people in it. Also are you facing the people to whom you are speaking, making eye contact, using body language that says you are engaged?
As an example, yesterday at work at the store a woman got angry with us because we did not answer her question. I did not hear her talking -- her voice was so soft that between the store music and the sound of the other people in the store, I simply did not hear her. Also she did not face me or make any eye contact. She had just moved near me (about 4 feet away) and apparently started talking, but not in my direction, but at the wall. Even after she got my attention, she kept speaking so softly I truly could not hear half of what she said. She made matters worse by not looking me in the face, but standing next to me and speaking to the wall -- so her sound was not coming at me and I could not see her lips. I asked her to speak up and she got angry and went to an associate and did the same thing to her. She stood near her without making any attempt to get her attention and started talking to the wall. I got the associate's attention and asked her to help the woman and the associate also could not hear her. On top of that, the woman was chewing gum.
Which is a long way of saying, that there are undoubtedly better ways to present yourself if you want people to hear and listen to you.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jun 9, 2016 13:45:22 GMT
I just give up and let the conversation move on. This is me, in social situations. Funny enough, at work I can speak and be heard. But just a group chit chatting? Louder voices win. |
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Post by annabella on Jun 9, 2016 16:08:57 GMT
I just joined Toastmasters at work but it sounds like your problem is people cutting you off. I would talk to the host of the group and ask her to set clear rules. She needs to tell everyone that they need to be mindful not to interrupt people and allow everyone to speak and finish their thoughts. I go to a bookclub where the host goes around the table and makes everyone answer a question, I hate it but I know its good for me. If someone does interrupt she will go back to the original speaker and ask if they have anything else to add. I think the phrase is conversation courtesy. People who naturally talk a lot don't realize they are dominating a conversation. |
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Jun 9, 2016 16:25:13 GMT
It happens to me. I get your frustration. Even with smaller groups I will get cut off by the louder voices, not in a mean way either. Sometimes I wait until there is a gap in the conversation and jump in real quick with what I was trying to say, other times I just give up and let the conversation move on. For your big group, I feel like there should be somebody facilitating things (maybe not formally) so that everyone gets to speak. I've been in big groups and if someone isn't finished speaking or we miss someone, somebody else will usually speak up and say "Hey, it is still breetheflea's turn."^^^ I agree with this... unless it's just a casual gathering of friends for a social occasion, I think there should be some structure and order to any kind of a group meeting in order for things to actually get accomplished AND for a chance to get everyone's input. Life as an introvert sometimes sucks when it seems like only the LOUDEST voices are the ones that get heard and the rest are (seemingly) ignored. It seems like a lot of times more extroverted people believe that "silence means acceptance" but that's not always true if someone is uncomfortable speaking up for some reason. If someone is quieter or not as 'forward' as other people in a group, their input isn't always given the proper attention-- or they may not have a chance to give it at all. Having some structure and order to the meeting where everyone gets a chance to give input could possibly help-- if someone isn't comfortable giving their input at all, they're still given a chance to do so if they wish. ETA: "conversation courtesy" is a good term for it-- it seems like less people have that courtesy nowadays, at least in my opinion. |
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Post by myboysnme on Jun 9, 2016 16:46:32 GMT
I am a person who speaks up often and one of the most frustrating things for me is quiet people who won't chime in. I am part of a team at work, I bring something up and then I'm out on a limb by myself. All the quiet people who think it's a good idea also just sit there. Often times I say, "do any of you agree?" and they will begin to mumble some kind of agreement.
The quiet people may feel they get overrun by talkative people, but neither are good communicators, because it takes two people to participate. If you want to be included, you must chime in and do it over and over so people know you have something to say and you want to be heard.
People say to me constantly, "Well you always say what I'm thinking." Well hey, if you spoke up and said it first I wouldn't have to.
It is so frustrating and I work with 90% of people like that. |
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Post by Rachel on Jun 9, 2016 23:00:15 GMT
You are not going to change outgoing people. You need to change yourself and learn to speak up. I know it sucks but really that is the only solution besides just not participating. If you just give up it is a loss for both you and the group. I know how the OP feels and exactly what she is talking about... And it's not because the OP is quiet and won't speak up. In every single case where this happens to me it's because the person talking over me is loud, obnoxious and wants to be the center of attention. I've quit groups because loud obnoxious people are not where I want to spend my time. But when i do want to be heard I just keep talking. And I do get louder. Loud obnoxious people know exactly what they're doing and when they're talking over others. When you do to them what they do to you... They don't like it! They will stop talking and turn and look at you. At that point you can carry on and get your say in. |
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