Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2016 21:00:08 GMT
I have a friend I met at a hobby group, a place where mostly women would get together once a week or so and do the hobby. The group would meet at a coffee shop, bar, or restaurant - fairly adult-centric places where the other patrons were generally also adults. I hang out almost exclusively with adults, except for special occasions, and I don't have children. Okay, so my friend home schools 4 children. I love her children, having over the years gotten to know them at parties, on periodic outings that included them, and on camping trips. All of these things were known to be big mixed groups beforehand. Her family is cool. So this brings me to lunch/drinks/dinner invitations. I don't see this friend very often so look forward to catching up when we get together. In the last couple years, I feel like she's "springing" her kids on me on get togethers I had no idea would include children. These things have been a coffee invitation to my house, dinner out where we meet at the restaurant, lunch under same circumstances. One time she brought her husband to dinner when I wasn't expecting him, and I had left mine at home - because we hadn't made plans for the 4 of us.  Am I crazy that you specifically mention another person who is included, and if they aren't mentioned, they are not included? I feel a bit crazy! It just happened again today. We made lunch plans, message back and forth about 10 messages or so on details and then she says, "Oh well, I'll be in the area because L and I are picking up orders." !!! I don't want to have lunch with L (who is perfectly nice, it's not personal). I made arrangements to talk to my middle-aged friend one and one, not have a group lunch with an adolescent and potentially another smaller child who wasn't mentioned either, but we now know that means nothing.  My friend probably talks about everything with her kid present, but I edit with kids present. *shrug* That's how it is. The reason I don't say, hey, I just mean you is because I never know she intends to have kids present until they suddenly show up or they get mentioned after I agreed - and I wouldn't have agreed to the invitation if I had known it was going to be a family affair. I was just wanting to step away for lunch, catch up with my friend, and be on my way - but if kids are there, they end up having a lot of family asides and just...no thanks (Example aside: "Little Julia, do you think that's the best choice for lunch today? What are some healthier options we could talk about?" and on and on and on while I glance at my watch. Everything is a teachable moment, and people, I have limited patience.  ) What say you? Is this is a thing lots of people do - including older-than-small children in what are apparently adult plans without mentioning it? I'm a bit baffled! I want to know how the peas do lunch. ETA two very important things: they do not even customarily spend all day together - the kid are old enough to be pretty independent and even though home schooled, she easily gets away alone for all kinds of activities from the gym to hobby etc. This isn't because the kids need supervision. Her spouse is also at home. Second, I don't mean babies, toddlers, or small children who are with mama all the time because of their age. Kind of important things I left out. Hee! |
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quiltz
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Post by quiltz on Jun 10, 2016 22:03:21 GMT
I would be annoyed by this. Good luck with this.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2016 22:04:33 GMT
I do lunch or coffee with a couple of different friends (not at the same time), maybe once or twice a month. I homeschool our kids, but I have never taken them with me unless it's mentioned specifically that it's a family-included meal. Part of the reason I do lunch with friends to spend adult time without the kids!
DH works from home, so he's always been there to supervise. Now that they're teens, it's not necessary for DH to be there and he's gone with me for a couples' lunch with our friends a time or two. But it's always been planned that way in advance.
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johnnysmom
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Jun 10, 2016 22:08:40 GMT
You're right, she's wrong. But I have no idea how you can get your point across without being blunt at the time of invitation  |
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Post by gmcwife1 on Jun 10, 2016 22:14:31 GMT
I did a lot with my now 17 yr old, but I also would always say me and Sabrina at the time of the discussion/invite. If she went it was not a surprise. I have a friend that always wanted me to bring dd to crops, but I wouldn't. For the very same reason others don't want kids at adult events and I didn't want others to start bringing their kids. When/if you are doing the inviting you can always meet or eat in the bar so the kids can't come. We would often meet in the bar to eat  |
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Post by gar on Jun 10, 2016 22:37:39 GMT
I wouldn't like that. Having children present definitely changes the tone of the get together.
I'm at a loss to think how to deal with it though because I imagine she could be offended.
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caangel
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Post by caangel on Jun 10, 2016 22:56:04 GMT
I'm with you OP and I have kids. I am very clear with people when making plans if I will have my kids or not. It is rude of her not to be clear that she will being bring someone other than just herself or clarify if it is ok to bring an additional person.
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Post by esperanza on Jun 10, 2016 22:57:20 GMT
That's a tough one! I would be annoyed as well.
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Post by anniefb on Jun 10, 2016 22:59:11 GMT
I wouldn't like that. Having children present definitely changes the tone of the get together. I'm at a loss to think how to deal with it though because I imagine she could be offended.  SaveSave |
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Post by misadventurous on Jun 10, 2016 23:11:03 GMT
That would drive me bananas, but I agree with everyone else that it would be really difficult to ask that it be just the two of you without risking offense. I think it's very weird to make plans with someone and then arrive with other family members in tow.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jun 10, 2016 23:20:05 GMT
My kid is younger so if it's at a time when she would be around during the day, all of my friends know she would have to come along because I typically have no one else to leave her with. But now that she's in school (or at a summer program a few days a week over the summer months) there are plenty of times when she's not home during the day when I could do something solo. Most of the time, my friends WANT her to be around or come along though and specifically ask when she will be home so she can be included in our plans.
If I had a friend that specifically didn't want to be around her, I would certainly understand that too and would try to plan around it but I would be somewhat limited with when I could do that because I have other things I need to get done when she's not here (I work from home).
I think I would expect someone homeschooling a passel of kids would probably have one or more of them with her at any given time. If you want some solo adult time with your friend you are going to have to be pretty clear up front that that's what you want, otherwise you'll always have her kids tagging along.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 9:28:22 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2016 23:21:53 GMT
I dropped the friend who expected me to come alone. My daughter wasn't in school yet and we had no babysitter or family in the area to take her.
It would have help if she tried to be friendly with daughter.
Then add in that I could not take five hour lunches, because I had to pick son up from school.
It got to stressful for both of us. Sometimes you just have to let go.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2016 23:35:29 GMT
Thank you for your input, it helps! Okay, so it's a little unusual - that's reassuring. I don't think there's much I can do. I love L and I see her plenty - in fact, I see her every damn time I try to interact with her mother!  If I'm at friend's house L or S or K or M or some combo or all of them is with us, plus or minus friend's husband. Friend used to hang out all the time with me without her kids. As they get older, they are glued to each other's sides - it's not at all what I expected! She seems to do nothing that isn't kid related or go anywhere without at least one of them. Different strokes I guess. |
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Post by AussieMeg on Jun 10, 2016 23:37:56 GMT
I catch up with my BFF of over 40 years every month or so. It is STRICTLY no children and no husbands/partners. When our kids were little of course we'd catch up during the day with the kids, but now they are older so we go out for dinner just the 2 of us.
I would annoy me immensely if a friend brought children or another person along when I was expecting a nice adult catch up.
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LeaP
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Post by LeaP on Jun 11, 2016 0:55:40 GMT
You are right.
I have two kids. When they were young, I missed out on a lot of grown-up interaction. Now they are tween and teen, I leave them and my husband at home. It is a special treat for me to go out with a friend.
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moodyblue
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Post by moodyblue on Jun 11, 2016 1:03:48 GMT
Next time you plan something, could you just say "Hey, can we make this adults only, just you and me so we can talk and get caught up on both of us?"
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anniebygaslight
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Post by anniebygaslight on Jun 11, 2016 6:13:15 GMT
She is incredibly rude. Good luck with sorting this one out.
Why not make it a dinner invitation. You can say something along the lines of 'I do hope I have given you enough notice so you can get a babysitter'.
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Post by dewryce on Jun 11, 2016 9:09:14 GMT
Next time you plan something, could you just say "Hey, can we make this adults only, just you and me so we can talk and get caught up on both of us?" This is what I would do, just be open and upfront and tell her what you told us. You really like her family and enjoy spending time with them but sometimes would prefer it was just you two. And then ask her when it would be easiest to work that into her schedule. |
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Post by KelleeM on Jun 11, 2016 9:49:35 GMT
I'm with you! If children or a spouse are to be included in the plans you should be told upfront and given the choice to add your dh or plan for another time when it can just be the two of you. I'd definitely be a bit ticked off if this happened to me continually.
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mallie
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Post by mallie on Jun 11, 2016 10:36:51 GMT
I don't see what's so awful about saying, "Hey, friend, let's have a coffee date, just the two of us."
If she says sure, then shows up with (these older) kids, then that would probably be my last invitation. Because that's a level of self absorbed rudeness that would, in combination with her many prior examples of rudeness, be the last straw for a one on one relationship with her.
If she says she can't go anywhere without the kids or husband in tow, then I'd probably say, "oh that's too bad for me. I was looking forward to adult girlfriend time." And that would probably be my last invitation.
Or she may say okay and show up alone and you'd have learned you just need to be clear with her.
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Post by gailoh on Jun 11, 2016 11:35:52 GMT
Next time you plan something, could you just say "Hey, can we make this adults only, just you and me so we can talk and get caught up on both of us?" like moodyblue said...let her know as much as you care for her family , you would like some one on one time...there is nothing wrong with that at all...i think she is the rude one... |
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Post by Chips on Jun 11, 2016 15:18:31 GMT
Could you start calling your events Girl's Night Out or Ladies Lunch or something similar. Just to make sure she knows you want to spend time with her. That works for my friends but I am sorry your friend started bringing her kids and husband.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2016 16:33:57 GMT
Since clearly she is a package deal with her family, it's up to you to plan accordingly.
Perhaps you should arrange specifically for a girl only night out if you want to socialize with her. The point is to be very clear in what you want/expect.
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Post by CarolT on Jun 11, 2016 17:10:51 GMT
She probably doesn't realize that you don't always want to see her kids/family along with her - which means you have clearly been very warm, gracious, and kind to them!! I would probably say something like "I miss getting to spend time together, just the two of us. Why don't we have lunch Saturday - can your husband watch the kids?" In my circle of friends, unless it's something that's clearly a family event, we all ask if it's ok to bring a kid or spouse. Honestly, the conversation usually is something like "I would love to come, but I've got the kids" - if it's a kid-appropriate event, we'll encourage her to come and bring her kids. Sometimes we offer other kid-care options - including volunteering husbands to watch extra kids |
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freebird
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Post by freebird on Jun 11, 2016 17:24:48 GMT
"We need to do a girls day out, just us grown ups." "Yes? When would you like to do it!?"
"We're having an adults only party on my house on Saturday. I hope that's enough time for you to find a sitter."
"I really need some adult only conversation. Is there a time that works good for you that the kids aren't with you?"
If she starts saying no to that stuff, she doesn't want to be your one on one friend, and I'd probably make them tier 2 at best.
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rickmer
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Post by rickmer on Jun 11, 2016 19:18:58 GMT
Friend used to hang out all the time with me without her kids. As they get older, they are glued to each other's sides - it's not at all what I expected! She seems to do nothing that isn't kid related or go anywhere without at least one of them. Different strokes I guess. that does seem kinda weird though. people i know that are like this have ALWAYS been "oh we are a package deal" or "we do everything as a family". usually as our kids get older we breathe a sigh of relief that our time is little more free. i would tempted to invite her out and tell her i wanna get together to talk about my sex life, cuz things just aren't like they used to be... and see who shows up. you might just get the WHOLE family though. lol! (quote feature so random, apparently your post was july 1, 2014) |
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Post by 950nancy on Jun 11, 2016 19:35:26 GMT
I would ask to her to let you know the next time she will be child free so the two of you can meet. You have to say something if you want it to change. When I was raising my kids, I would decline an invitation saying I had my kids with me at that time. One friend was lonely and was happy just to have company, but other friends wanted adult time. Some people (me included) do not want to have adult talk with kids around.
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Post by cmpeter on Jun 11, 2016 19:40:11 GMT
I would be annoyed. I have a 15 year old dd but wouldn't think of just bringing her along to lunch with my friends.
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Post by nlwilkins on Jun 11, 2016 21:13:43 GMT
It sounds like you have "trained" her to bring her kids. If you have never let her know that you want kids left at home, then how is she to know? Also, maybe the kids want to see you and beg to come along and it is hard for her to say "no" unless you let her know you want one on one time with her.
I get that you would like the one on one time and the "every moment is a teachable moment" comment really hits home. That is kinda rude IMHO. It means you are twiddlig your thumbs while she continues to teach and instruct her children. Those kind of things are better left when there is not so many distractions for the kid and learning happens easier.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2016 23:18:51 GMT
It was funny how this one happened actually - I usually don't fall for it.
I messaged asking if she wanted to come do Y with me in 3 weeks. It would be beyond the pale to invite someone else to this event, so I thought I was safe. She replied, maybe, she'd see. And btw, she'd be in my town the next day, did I want to have lunch? And I was kind of excited that I was also free and in town that day, so I said, "Yes!" and it wasn't until several messages down the road that I realized it was another family affair thing I had said yes to.
Arg!
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Am I crazy that you specifically mention another person who is included, and if they aren't mentioned, they are not included?
My friend probably talks about everything with her kid present, but I edit with kids present. *shrug* That's how it is. The reason I don't say, hey, I just mean you is because I never know she intends to have kids present until they suddenly show up or they get mentioned after I agreed - and I wouldn't have agreed to the invitation if I had known it was going to be a family affair. I was just wanting to step away for lunch, catch up with my friend, and be on my way - but if kids are there, they end up having a lot of family asides and just...no thanks (Example aside: "Little Julia, do you think that's the best choice for lunch today? What are some healthier options we could talk about?" and on and on and on while I glance at my watch. Everything is a teachable moment, and people, I have limited patience. 
)
If I'm at friend's house L or S or K or M or some combo or all of them is with us, plus or minus friend's husband.
