So, my kid just came out to us and I need advice

In my experience, young people who are coming out really internalize this stuff and find it scary. I think a valuable message is I love you, you are always safe with me, and I will do anything I can to make your world safe for you in any way I can.

I wish I had known many years ago that people say all kinds of crappy things and it's a reflection on them, not a reflection on me or people like me. I'm glad the Internet didn't exist when I was 14 and questioning my sexual orientation.

ETA that I think there is no need to inform extended family at this time. She will know when the right time comes. She may one day feel that she wants everyone to know the full truth about her and she may decide it is personal and she doesn't care to discuss it for now. This is fine.

NB: I identify as queer (that's my word at this point in time, although there were times I was more comfortable with gay or bisexual as a descriptor) and have been out for 26 years. I live a happy and productive life and am in a satisfying relationship - which is what I would want for my child in any circumstance so I think all that angst I went through was worth it.

No advise, but hugs. Just love your child.

I agree with freebird and would do the same.  Your dd is still the same person.  Just give her lots of extra love and hugs as she figures this all out.  Being a teenager is hard enough without all the judgmental crap others inflict.  

As far as the extended family....I personally think it's none of their business.  I don't think she needs to make a declaration of her sexuality to anybody.  

Cudos to you and dh that she felt comfortable enough to come to you.  She sounds like an amazing young lady.  Good luck and big hugs!

It's sounds like your initial response to your DD was perfect supersoda.

I agree with others that no statement needs to be made to extended family right now, but I would absolutely start a subtle campaign to challenge any homophobic remarks, statements, FB posts, etc., coming from extended family. Set the groundwork now so that when your DD is ready to come out to other family members or is in a relationship, attitudes will have already shifted to accepting. You will find out who else in your family is truly bigoted vs those already leaning to be more tolerant pretty quickly. I would look to community resources and others that have been there before me for help. Find the nearest LGBTQ resource center and ask them for tips and support. 

I think your response to your dd was great.

I think lots of young people right now are worried about the violence. My dd and niece have been talking about how out of control the world seems. We can't stop living and shouldn't live in fear. We need to find out the why so we can start making changes.

Nothing else is needed. Just love her as you always loved her. Any time she's feeling scared, down, worried, just tell her you love her and she is always safe with you. As a teenager, straight or gay, that's what they need - knowledge that their parents will always love them and are their safe place.

As for the extended family, why is there a need for any sort of statement? When you hear comments against the LGQT community in general, don't be afraid to call them out on it. When it becomes public knowledge, tell them if you cannot be polite to my child, I have no further need for you in my life. I would say that to anyone who is rude or nasty to my child no matter what.

Now what?

Nothing changes. You love her, just as always.

How do you support her?

Take her lead. If she's telling you about a girl she's crushing on, listen. Ask her if she wants to join an LGBT alliance.

I would minimize her fears about a massacre targeting "people like her." Bad things, terrible atrocities happen all over the country (world) all the time. You and she cannot live in fear. You teach her how to keep her eyes open in an emergency shooting/hostage situation, just like you would if a school shooting happened recently and she was afraid. She keeps quiet, finds a route to escape. If she can't escape, she hides. She lets no one hold her back, and she protects herself first and foremost.

How to we ease her fears about telling our very conservative and largely homophobic extended family?

Tell her that you stand beside her. You stand with her 100%. And mean it. If anyone of your family says anything against her, they are not welcome in your home. Always choose her first. Grandpa doesn't like gays and can't be supportive of your dd? He isn't invited to Christmas, Thanksgiving, or Easter brunch. And be vocal in standing up for her. If Aunt Sally says something against her, you tell Sally then and there that you do not tolerate hate in your home, and she is unwelcome. Be your dd's strength in this, as you would in anything else.

If you go to a church that condemns gays, find an accepting church.

You need to align yourself with those who are open to the LGBT community.




And (((hugs)))) mom. Your dd is no different than she ever was.

Signed,

Mom of a gender-fluid bisexual daughter.

  I couldn't have said it better!  Just love her!

Do you know any older gay people? I know my friend (who waited to come out until after college due to a very anti-gay family) says that his "gay mom" really helped him.

He described her as his go to for gay questions, a sounding board, a friend, a mentor. He believes it is important to have a gay mentor to help navigate.

Femalebusiness is right - in fact a lot of the above posters are right.

My daughter, 13yrs just announced a month or so ago that she prefers females....and it is my fault according to my very homophobic DH. I wanted to send her to an all girls school. Yes, this makes it my fault.

After a lot of tears and bitching BUT NOT IN FRONT OF HER OR AT HOME, I accept it. It is not my decision to make - it is hers.

I was speaking to a friend just yesterday about the shooting in Orlando - which in turn made me talk about my DD - and we both came to the conclusion that other people are focusing on the sex side of being gay....not the person, but the sex. And that is wrong. People are still people - they laugh, cry, go to work, go to school, play sports etc...everything we all as humans do. But people focus only on the sex.
(sorry, I am all over the show and rambling here....still trying to get my own head and thoughts in focus)

OP - love your daughter - someone else said it - being a teenager is hard enough without any of the judgemental/crap side of things being thrown at her.

Ask yourself this...if she were hetero, would she be telling her very conservative and largely homophobic extended family?

Why would any 14 year old be discussing their sexuality with extended family members? I am in my 50's and have never discussed it with family members.

When DD17 came out to me as bi about 1 1/2 years ago, I told her we love her, same as always and that won't change. I advised her that it probably wouldn't be a great idea to announce it at the family Christmas party but other than that, we really sent her the message that it's no big deal -- you are who you are and that's awesome.


ETA if she wants to tell extended family, we are there for her. I don't think anyone would have an issue with it and if they did, they know better than to tell me about it  . Like others down thread have said, our sexuality isn't usually a topic of discussion at our family gatherings.

My oldest is supposed to be marching for her school in a pride parade later this month, and the Orlando massacre really upset her. She has been out to us for a while, but only out more publicly for a bit. Our families are gay rights supportive, I have a married gay cousin, dh has a partnered lesbian cousin, and it's just not A Thing in our families. I am still letting her determine when and how and if she wants to talk to them about her romantic life.

One thing she has found helpful is connecting with people both at school via her gay/straight alliance and online who are not straight. Not because she isn't accepted by her peers -- we are fortunate to live in a place and at a time where among her peers at her school, this is just a non-issue -- but because when crap like Orlando happens, she can talk to other kids her own age who are having similar feelings.

I agree with people upthread that speaking up when relatives say homophobic things in front of her is something you can do to be helpful and make her feel less alone. That is a separate issue from whether or not you want to talk to relatives about her specifically.

People are generally assumed to be straight.  You would be surprised, if you were not straight, how many things people say to you on the assumption that you are straight.  I agree that it is totally up to her whether or not she wants to talk to relatives about her romantic life at 14, or ever, but there is a reason that LGBT people make the decision to communicate their orientation when straight people do not.