luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Jun 14, 2016 20:39:02 GMT
14 y.o. DD came out to us last night. I think the Orlando shooting is what prompted her to tell us. It is really weighing heavily on her. We weren't surprised and just hugged her and told her that we didn't care at all, that she was the same kid we've always loved and nothing changes that. We just want her to be safe and happy. So now what? How do I support her? How do we ease her fears about a massacre targeting people like her? How to we ease her fears about telling our very conservative and largely homophobic extended family? She is scared right now, and my inner mama bear just wants to do everything possible to protect her. I fully expect it from my 16 yo DS any day, I would support him and love him but the world at large scares me for him. I'm glad your daughter felt comfortable coming to you. I wouldn't worry about what others think but I know that's easier said than done. DH's family is largely Catholic so I hope they would support my son.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 3:28:38 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2016 21:22:34 GMT
14 y.o. DD came out to us last night. I think the Orlando shooting is what prompted her to tell us. It is really weighing heavily on her. We weren't surprised and just hugged her and told her that we didn't care at all, that she was the same kid we've always loved and nothing changes that. We just want her to be safe and happy. So now what? How do I support her? How do we ease her fears about a massacre targeting people like her? How to we ease her fears about telling our very conservative and largely homophobic extended family? She is scared right now, and my inner mama bear just wants to do everything possible to protect her. I agree you don't really jump to "do" anything. Be available is your best bet. And please don't equate conservative as always equaling homophobic. I am quite conservative, very strong in my Catholic faith yet still manage to love and support my gay daughter with every ounce of my being. Most of my conservative, fellow Carholic (and non Catholic) friends also love her. Hate and judgement goes both ways and until it stops in BOTH directions nothing will ever get better.
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Post by secondlife on Jun 14, 2016 21:46:45 GMT
Well, we weren't really planning to make a big announcement to family, but one way or another they will figure it out eventually. I think she's ready to just be herself but she's afraid of the backlash. DD said to me last night "what if everybody hates me?" Meaning family and more conservative friends and acquaintances at school. She's seen hatred first hand. She knows it's there. And I can run interference to an extent, but I can't protect her from everything. So I guess my question was more about how do I teach her to deal with bigots and hate? How do I prepare her to respond and deal with losing friends who can't accept her? I won't treat her differently, but others will. It may be the best time in history to be gay, but our community is not the best place to be gay. Thanks for all the insight so far. The backlash... This part is harder. Because you can't screen it for her. Here is my advice. One is to understand why people might have an issue with her coming out and help equip her to answer those ideas calmly and with kindness. Those are going to be things like, we don't want you in the locker room with us because you're going to look at us while we are changing. Well, honestly no, I'm very private and I know you are too, so out of respect I don't look at you in the locker room. Another is to get yourself hooked up to resources that will bolster her when she's down and have them at the ready. Things like the It Gets Better project, a teen LGBT center in a nearby city if you have one, online groups for LGBT kids, and so on. Another piece of advice I have is that college is a whole different ballgame and there is so much more acceptance there than there is in high school. If she doesn't feel that she has her people around her - college will change that. There is real hope here. Some of her peers will be shitty and some of them will be kinder than she ever imagined. We are humans and not ducks and it is hard to let things roll off your back, but over the years I learned - develop your inner duck. I know now what to say - to myself or out loud - when someone has something nasty to say. I have the benefit of years now. Recently I was on a working committee in which we were discussing human sexuality and someone said to me, "I'm quite sure your mother did not raise you to be like that." I said, "Actually, she raised me to be honest and true to myself, and I am - so it's okay." That lady won't look at me in church now, but I make like a duck and let it roll off. The love of your peers - you move past losing that. The love of your parent you were never meant to lose and you are already ensuring she does not fear that. I promise that will take you a long way. If I think of more I will come back to this thread.
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AmeliaBloomer
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,842
Location: USA
Jun 26, 2014 5:01:45 GMT
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Post by AmeliaBloomer on Jun 14, 2016 22:07:17 GMT
secondlife said: Heh! Love this mantra...for all kinds of situations.
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Post by supersoda on Jun 14, 2016 22:22:56 GMT
And please don't equate conservative as always equaling homophobic. I am quite conservative, very strong in my Catholic faith yet still manage to love and support my gay daughter with every ounce of my being. Most of my conservative, fellow Carholic (and non Catholic) friends also love her. Believe me, I know there's a difference. I was raised by these folks, and I have a pretty good idea where most of them fall. When one of my family's oldest, dearest friends came out, my aunt responded, "well, I guess he knows he's going to hell now." Just last week, my dad made a FB post showing two flags--a rainbow flag and a rebel flag-that said "they get to have their flag, why can't we have ours?" (I'm not on FB, my other daughter shared this atrocity with me.) Some family members have unfriended my straight DD for her outspoken support of gay rights. Even DH's always-supportive grandmother has made anti-gay comments on FB. All of these people live in the same smallish city and assume that everyone thinks like them and that bigotry is ok. This is what we're dealing with.
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Post by christine58 on Jun 14, 2016 22:26:03 GMT
As far as the extended family....I personally think it's none of their business. I don't think she needs to make a declaration of her sexuality to anybody. This!!!!
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,826
Jun 25, 2014 23:21:30 GMT
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Post by scrapngranny on Jun 14, 2016 22:26:43 GMT
I'm happy your daughter was able to open up to you at this very tragic time. Now she no longer has to feel she is walking her journey alone. Sadly, she has no control over what the rest of the family thinks or says, she only can control how she reacts to words and actions. Just keep reaffirming to her that if the family is unkind, it speaks of who they are, not who she is. Is and always has been a person who is valued and loved, one's sexuality changes nothing.
Best wishes to your daughter.
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Post by supersoda on Jun 14, 2016 22:29:19 GMT
When DD17 came out to me as bi about 1 1/2 years ago, I told her we love her, same as always and that won't change. I advised her that it probably wouldn't be a great idea to announce it at the family Christmas party but other than that, we really sent her the message that it's no big deal -- you are who you are and that's awesome. Well, my 17 year old brother announced that his girlfriend was pregnant one year at Christmas...that was a fun year!
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Post by quinlove on Jun 14, 2016 22:42:54 GMT
I'm happy your daughter was able to open up to you at this very tragic time. Now she no longer has to feel she is walking her journey alone. Sadly, she has no control over what the rest of the family thinks or says, she only can control how she reacts to words and actions. Just keep reaffirming to her that if the family is unkind, it speaks of who they are, not who she is. Is and always has been a person who is valued and loved, one's sexuality changes nothing. Best wishes to your daughter. I agree with how she said this. I truly believe that your dd should be applauded for coming out and freeing herself. That must be so invigorating. She must feel like a ton of bricks have been lifted off of her shoulders, even if you were not surprised. To her this was a HUGE deal. Celebrate her new freedom with her mom !!
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