Divorced Peas (verbal abuse involved)

Im sorry for your friend. It sucks to have the person who should love you say such hateful things to you.

As her friend, just listen. Try to stay as level headed about it. She needs someone who she can vent to, and not worry whats going to happen.

Now, for me, it wasn't some big blow up that pushed me over the edge. I woke up one day and just had enough. I was done and there was no looking back. Even on our wedding night XdH was verbally abusive....then add all the times he threw things, broke things. The affairs. I put up with it all until one day  I decided I was done.  

The best thing for me was that when I called my friend to come help me get my stuff, she never said a single negative thing about XdH. She just said ok, Im here, lets do this. I had known she didn't like XdH. But she knew it had to be my decision.

We packed me and my kids up and left, never looking back.

I would continue to reassure her that he is not speaking the truth and she doesn't deserve the treatment.

It's not good for the kids, believe me. My dad would tell my mom she was worthless and it was really hurtful to me and my siblings. We felt worthless, too.

She needs to end it.

I'm very sorry your friend is going through this. My father was verbally & emotionally abusive to my mother. And to my my brothers & I. I hope for her children's sake your friend is able to gather the courage to leave him. My mom never left my dad. He eventually left her. Thank God. It was hell living that way and no one should have to go through it - especially innocent children.

A lot of women do not recognize verbal abuse for what it is. I know I didn't for the 7 years I put up with it. I called it everything else-his bad temper, he's drunk so he's acting that way, he had a bad day, all kinds of excuses. It is actually difficult to recognize verbal abuse for what it is if you've never experience it before. These men are master manipulators and are very good at making the women feel it is their fault. There is an amazing book that get to the heart of explaining what this abuse is, how to recognize it, and what to do about it. It's called, ""The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Expanded Third Edition:How to Recognize and how to Respond" by Patricia Evans. It's $11.45 on Amazon. You could order for her and give it to her, but caution her to hide it well. Once she's read it she'll feel like she has a bit more power on her side because she'll understand a lot more what she's dealing with. 

What made me leave? My ex went from being verbally abusive to being physically abusive too. He did that twice and after the second time I got out. But don't let that fool you. I've read over and over again, that verbal abuse is worse than psychical abuse and I believe it. Bruises and broken bones heal fast, mental issues take much longer. I can still hear my ex's voice in my ear saying, "Why don't you clean the shit out of your ears so you can hear me better?" even though it's been 24 years since I left the bastard. Although, it's very, very faint now. Just barely above hearing range. 

The fact that he's using her kids is horrible. It's terrible for the kid's mental health. They will need therapy when she leaves this man. The longer she stays the worse it will be for her children. My son was 4 years old when I left my ex and he needed therapy for a number of years because of what we went through. I'm glad I left when I did but as most women say, I wish I had left earlier. 

Another great resource is The National Domestic Violence Hotline. She can call them 24/7 and talk to them or talk to them online (probably safer to call them). She can reach them at www.thehotline.org or 1-800-799-7233. They can lead her to resources where she is for therapy, help separating from him (this is the most dangerous time and even though he hasn't gotten physical yet that doesn't mean he won't). I urge her to use the resources they provide for help in making a plan before she leaves him, and anything else she needs. 

I wish your friend lots of luck. There is no reason to live like that. Tell her she is a strong, confident woman who I believe can do great things. Tell her to believe in herself, that's all that matters. If she can do that she can accomplish anything! 

Debbie in MD.

I decided to divorce when the stress was so great, I developed migraines and epigastric pain so terrible, I couldn't sleep. I started thinking that I could not be a good mother to our daughter under all that stress, verbal and emotional abuse. I did not want my daughter to grow up thinking that kind of behavior by her father was normal or ok.

I left when he cheated. I should have left years before.

Many of my friends who went through difficulties separated first. I did not. I knew I no longer loved my husband and there was no chance of us working things out.

He sounds like he is verbally abusive, a "trial" separation may make it easier to split. Just make sure it is a legal separation. I have many friends who separated and got back together. Those who stayed together seem to have the strongest marriage. A couple who didn't seems that both parties were ready to be divorced and it went relatively smoothly.

I always encourage people to separate. It can really bring clarity.