luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by luvnlifelady on Aug 3, 2014 0:53:38 GMT
A little background: She has been exceptionally moody for a couple of years now. Mostly during stressful times but her reactions to stress are over the top with rage. Her actions included putting holes in the walls, hitting me, throwing things and calling me very vile names.
She started seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist back in December (prior to this we were trying other things including the pill to help stabilize her mood). We are now on our 2nd set of meds (Wellbutrin and Lamictal. Prozac didn't seem to do much).
Last December, I ended up calling the cops on her since she seemed suicidal and also hurt her 14 year old brother. Because it was 2 days before Christmas by then, I only had them hold her for a day. As a mom, I didn't want her spending Christmas there but in hindsight, I'm not sure that was the best idea.
Her grades were terrible this past year (junior) and there were some days she simply refused to go to school. (we did take away her phone at times and she does not have her own computer).
This past June, we got an opportunity for her to attend a 2-week residential program and eagerly signed her up. She was to learn stress coping mechanisms and other things to help her deal with life's problems. We are now currently working through our 8 weeks of once/week group counseling that comes with the program.
We just got back from a week road trip from San Diego to San Francisco. Overall, it went ok, but mornings were bad. As I had thought previously, there doesn't seem to be much, if any, improvement in her handling stress. Anyone in her path is fair game and that is usually me. She is ok for the most part after the morning but that can't be avoided. I try to encourage her to be more organized ahead of time but at 17, she really needs to do more for herself.
She will be a senior and DS will be a freshman. The plan was for me to drive them to school and let DD have the car when I'm able to. However, I have recently thought of another plan....I'd like to get DD a very used car for her to use. In doing so, she would be responsible for getting herself up and out and nobody would need to cross her path. Yes, I realize this is sort of rewarding bad behavior but I don't want her bad mood in the morning to effect DS' schooling with making him late and/or just starting his mornings off with chaos. She's excited about school this year as she's co-section leader for band and her best friend is back after a year away. School starts in 2 weeks, so if I am doing the car idea, I need to work quickly. DH isn't sure about the car plan, but he normally gets on board eventually. She'll need one next year anyway to go to the local JC.
Anyway, that's the update in a nutshell. In a weird way, I was glad that DH saw how she was in the mornings while on the trip since I think sometimes he doesn't realize just how bad she can get at home while he's at work. She has an appt. on the 15th with her psychiatrist and I plan to address a possible med change then. I realize they can take weeks to kick in though so we need to ask about that too.
I have appreciated everyone's support on the boards while we work through this. Right now, she plans to transfer to school in Wisconsin (we have relatives there but she would have her own place) in 3 years and there are some days that I think that would be the best for everyone involved. I love her, but living with her some days is very challenging.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 8:22:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2014 1:02:13 GMT
First of all, sending good thoughts your way because I'm sure that in addition to worrying about your daughter, her behaviors must be very draining and unpleasant to live with.
A few thoughts:
I agree about it being unfair that her behavior has the potential to negatively affect your son and his mornings. Is there any possible way for them to be taken to school separately? For example, your husband driving her and you driving your son?
I guess I do fall squarely in the camp that driving and having your own car is a privilege. Although it's true that much of what she's going through is biochemical, it doesn't sound as though she's putting in the effort to take responsibility for the things that she can. As a parent, I feel I would be more likely to get her the car and allow her to drive if I really felt that she was making an effort.
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
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Post by scrapngranny on Aug 3, 2014 1:03:56 GMT
I'm very sorry you are going through this. The very last thing I would do in this situation is give her a car. Give someone who can not control their emotions sound like a recipe for disaster.
I wish you well. Hopefully, some new meds will help her.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 8:22:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2014 1:12:49 GMT
ITA
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
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Post by luvnlifelady on Aug 3, 2014 1:14:27 GMT
Just to reply to a couple posts-unfortunately DH can't take one while I take the other. He leaves prior to them having to be at school at 7:30. He has an hour commute each way so if he leaves too late, the traffic is really bad.
That's a good point that the car should be earned. She's a good/safe driver so I'm not really too concerned about her emotions not being in check while she drives. It's the time prior to her leaving for school that she's at her worst. She's been driving a year with no incidents. Also, the car would be our's and she would get to use it, but I would not make it "her" car. Probably not much of a difference in semantics but that way we would maintain control over whether she gets it or not.
I'm trying to think of ways to have us all be able to avoid her in the mornings. That sounds bad probably but it's about the only way I can think of to avoid major morning upheavals that are hard on everyone.
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SabrinaP
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Busy Teacher Pea
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Post by SabrinaP on Aug 3, 2014 1:16:56 GMT
But has she been driving in the mornings when she's the most stressed? Picture her waking up late, getting into a fight with you, etc and then getting in a car and someone cutting her off. I would get her moods and meds straightened out before I even gave one thought to a car.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
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Post by luvnlifelady on Aug 3, 2014 1:19:04 GMT
She did drive herself some last year when I could give her the car (I currently don't work but am looking). The school is only two miles away but I realize things can still happen. You bring up a good point. So much to think about.
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Post by chaosisapony on Aug 3, 2014 1:30:44 GMT
I know nothing about your situation and am not a parent but it sounds to me like it could be a good idea. She would have no one to get mad at but herself in the morning if she is late or whatever. She would have to be entirely responsible for herself. It's an opportunity for her to learn and grow and shine. And if she doesn't, she loses the car privileges and you are there to help her earn them back. Sometimes people need to be shown a little bit of trust. Plus, then your son's school performance won't be impacted by her.
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Post by anxiousmom on Aug 3, 2014 1:31:18 GMT
What does the therapist say about the morning meltdowns?
Or, maybe I should ask you about how you feel about the therapist? If you aren't noticing a change, or a willingness to change, how is your daughter's rapport with him/her? Do you think you need to re-evaluate and see if someone else is a better fit? Feel free to tell me to go jump in a lake...I just don't get a positive feeling when you mention therapy and I can't help but wonder if it isn't him/her?
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lesley
Drama Llama
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Location: Scotland, Scotland, Scotland
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Post by lesley on Aug 3, 2014 1:32:27 GMT
Has it been identified why she is so bad in the morning? Is it a hormonal dip, not enough sleep, poor quality sleep, etc?
I would be tempted to lay it out before school starts that she keeps out of everyone's way each morning until she is ready to go to school. She has to be ready to leave when you're taking your son. If she can manage this for the whole term, possibly with an agreed number of infractions, then you could offer her a car for next term.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
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Post by luvnlifelady on Aug 3, 2014 1:46:19 GMT
Anxiousmom-I feel pretty good about her therapists. The one from the program is really good and her regular two guys seem to have a good rapport with her. We just don't see them that often as they are hard to get into (Kaiser). It's not like we see them weekly or anything like that, maybe monthly at best. It's more that she isn't implementing the tools she is learning with therapy so it's more up to her to do the work. She can definitely be better organized and get outfits and anything else she needs ready the night before.
lesley-I like that idea too about having her earn it. She has been dx'ed with a mood disorder but she doesn't sleep well. I am buying her a new mattress next week (band fundraiser) so hopefully that will help. Also, we will have her turn in her phone at night once school starts (haven't done that before and she can live on it if we let her).
We do have separate bathrooms for her and DS so that will help some with her being on her own while he gets ready. We're lucky to have that option at least.
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AmeliaBloomer
Drama Llama
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Jun 26, 2014 5:01:45 GMT
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Post by AmeliaBloomer on Aug 3, 2014 1:47:03 GMT
I understand what people are cautioning about not rewarding bad behavior, but as you say, the car could make your and your son's lives less stressful, which is huge. Could the increased independence also motivate your daughter to become more organized in the morning?
Previous posters bring up a good point, though, about the possible danger of driving when angry. Instead, perhaps driving the "new" car could be used as a reward when she has a good morning. Does she respond to attempts to alter her behavior through incentives like that? If she's having a bad morning (acting out or late) and doesn't earn the car, can you leave without her - perhaps return to get her and she'll have to deal with the logical consequence of being late?
My thoughts are with you and your family as your work through this.
ETA: Whoops, I was lolly-gagging while posting. I see my suggestion has already been made.
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Post by dawndoll on Aug 3, 2014 1:53:17 GMT
Is there a school bus available for her to ride? Having to do that until she straightens up her morning behavior may be an option.
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PaperAngel
Prolific Pea
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Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Aug 3, 2014 2:14:25 GMT
Although without first-hand experience, I suggest she first determine the reason(s) for difficult mornings - interrupted sleep, alarm set too late, hitting snooze, unprepared, etc. Then, brainstorm ways she can avoid the chaotic start to her day. In addition to the medication, perhaps the tools described in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens will help her cope with confusion, frustration, etc. HTH & best wishes for a positive routine for everyone! |
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
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Post by luvnlifelady on Aug 3, 2014 2:14:51 GMT
Unfortunately there are no busing options.
If we keep it that I drive, if she's not ready when DS needs to leave, I will leave without her and get her later. DS needs to be there a bit earlier to get his instrument across campus so letting her make him late will not be fair.
Rewarding her might work but sometimes she acts likes she doesn't care if she gets in trouble like having her phone taken away or whatnot.
Thanks for that book recommendation. We will check into it. Part of the reason for chaos is that she sleeps too late and can't find things. I'm trying to encourage better organization and I help with that to some extent but am also trying to help her be more independent since she can be mean even if I'm helping so it's often better just to stay out of it.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 8:22:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2014 2:38:18 GMT
My DD had major anger issues a few years back. She did similar things like throwing things, kicking holes in walls, yelling and screaming. It is extremely challenging to deal with so I can completely empathize with you.
Fortunately for us, she is doing better now with little to no outbursts. However, our story is different because my dd doesn't have a chemical imbalance. We found her a counselor that helped her tremendously. I also became adamant about her sleeping and eating routine. She's hypoglycemic like me, so it's very important that she has enough protein every day. Also, sleep deprivation is the number one trigger for her. I kept a strict bedtime schedule for her. Of course she argued all the time about it at first because her friends didn't go to bed so early. But experience has shown me that she needs 10 hours of sleep to function properly. So whenever she did cooperate, the next day I would point out how much more pleasant she was (and she would agree). I would also point out how it helped her think better. If she was sleep deprived, that's when she couldn't deal with stress.
I know you mentioned she has a problem sleeping. Would you consider a sleep study for her? (I made my dh get one and now he has a cpap machine and he is like a completely different person when he uses it.) Or do you think she has a hard time unwinding after a long day? My dd gets overtired and wound up instead of tired. I've had to help her learn to quiet her head through yoga. She doesn't do it anymore, but it helped when she was much younger. She sometimes reads a book in bed to unwind. Maybe your dd would benefit from changing her nighttime routine? Turn off all electronics, maybe read a book in bed?
As for her younger sibling, it was a learning experience for her. While I felt really badly that she had to endure all of this turmoil, I took opportunities to discuss things with DD2. Also, DD2 would get rewarded for good behavior. DD1 had that chance too but would usually blow it with her outbursts. We had to work together as a team to help DD1 work through her issues. Once I got dh on board everything fell into place.
As for the car, I too would not give her one just yet. Many times DD1 would have a morning outburst and I would warn her if she wasn't ready on time I would just leave her and she would have to walk to school. She walked to school quite a few times. And she was miserable doing it. It was only a mile away and I would drive by to make sure she arrived safely, but still, she hated it and it did teach her to be on time.
Maybe you can start something with your DD where she can earn the privilege of using the car. If she gets ready X amounts of times in a X amount of days, she earns one day using your car. Or if she doesn't have an outburst for X amount of times for an X period of time, you can reconsider getting her a car.
While going through all of this I showered her with a lot of unconditional love but I was also firm about discipline and my expectations. I'm no expert on this but I wanted to share my story with you because I totally understand what you are going through. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk more.
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Post by CarolT on Aug 3, 2014 2:38:39 GMT
I have to say, I agree with the previous posters who wouldn't give her a car at this point. I would be concerned about her morning behavior impacting her driving behavior.
One thing to consider regarding her morning difficulties... could it be a medication timing thing? Depending on the meds or combinations of meds, could her levels be bottoming out in the mornings, if she's taking them in the AM? It might be worth talking to her doctor about.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
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Post by luvnlifelady on Aug 3, 2014 2:46:50 GMT
I forgot to mention that she takes her meds twice/day. 1/2 of Wellbutrin twice/day and then a whole Lamictal twice/day. Usually before bed or later in the evening and then when she wakes up but that is often late morning in the summer. Therefore, each one is in her system about 12 hours. I do need to ask about dosing since I usually wait for her to wake up for the morning one so that can vary as it what time she gets it. She likes to sleep in and I doubt it would be wise to wake her early to give her meds but maybe.
It's a good idea to monitor her diet/sleeping. She does have trouble falling asleep so I need to help her come up with ideas to turn off her mind and electronics. She's not much of a reader but I can encourage other relaxing things to do before bed like a bath or shower.
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Post by scrapmaven on Aug 3, 2014 3:14:16 GMT
I'm not sure what your dd's diagnosis is and I'm by no means a mental health or medical professional, but I'm thinking that weekly therapy w/a psychologist would be essential for her progress. She has 2 years at home and this is the time to get that weekly support. I wish your dd continued healing and your family much peace and happiness.
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