StephDRebel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,665 
Location: Ohio
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Post by StephDRebel on Jul 5, 2016 21:09:39 GMT
We drove from VA to OH yesterday and about an hour into the 9 hour drive a jeep came across the median, flipped and the woman was ejected from the vehicle. There was a bit of road between us thankfully, she came across right in front of another car that swerved and kept going and we were able to stop before we hit her or her car.
My 15 year old was in the front seat, dh was driving and I was in the back. I made him stay in the car and he doesn't do well with injury/illness so he listened. I know he saw her lying in the roadway and he later told me that he saw her come out of the car.
DH went to help while I called 911 and got the rest of the traffic stopped, found nurses & a medic in cars behind us and then cleared the road for emergency services to get through. We were able to pull off far enough that a fire truck parked in front of our vehicle so he didn't see them working on her or loading her in the car. He saw her covered and going into the ambulance but didn't realize that it was a fatality until later when he asked if I thought she would be ok.
We were all pretty shaken up traveling the rest of the day and he was really quiet. He did fall asleep last night in the car but kept jerking awake and we snuggled most of the way home. He's been quiet today , but dh is heading to drop my brother off and he chose to stay home b/c ' he's been in the car enough for a while'
Anyone have advice on how to proceed from here? I want to talk about it if it's what he needs, but I don't want to force him to talk about it if that's not what is best. I'm just not sure what to do. One of the firefighters came over and sat in the car and talked to use for a few minutes and J didn't say much.
I don't even know what my question is, but I guess, how would you parent through this? I'm really just not sure what the right move is right now.
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ginacivey
Pearl Clutcher
refupea #2 in southeast missouri
Posts: 4,685
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Post by ginacivey on Jul 5, 2016 21:11:55 GMT
i would take any cues from him
maybe he just doesn't want to talk about it
and i wouldn't force him to
gina
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Post by smalltowngirlie on Jul 5, 2016 21:13:00 GMT
I have no ideas, just lots of hugs and "If you ever want to talk, I am here." Hopefully some else has something better for you.
(((HUGS))) to you also.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 12, 2024 20:20:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2016 21:14:38 GMT
That's a tough call. I'm sorry  I guess for starters I would come out and ask him if wanted to talk about it-with you or even someone else like a counselor, and then just go from there. If he didn't want to, I'd try to respect that as long as he didn't exhibit changes in behavior past a few days to a week or so. I'm not a professional, so I don't know if my thinking is ok or not. |
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oldcrow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,828
Location: Ontario,Canada
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Post by oldcrow on Jul 5, 2016 21:15:40 GMT
I never dealt with anything that brutal so I'm not sure I can be of any help. I think if it were me I would let him know that you are there for him if he needs it and that if he feels he needs professional help that you will arrange that for him.
The teen years are so fragile.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 12, 2024 20:20:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2016 21:17:28 GMT
I would you use it as a teaching moment. Since your son will soon be driving it's the perfect opportunity to explain how dangerous vehicles are. Explain that driving is a huge responsibility and life can be gone in a moment. Explain to him about wearing a safety belt. I would ask if he would like to talk about.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,610
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jul 5, 2016 21:17:55 GMT
I'd say "I'm kind of still upset about what we saw the other night. How are you doing?" And then listen.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 12, 2024 20:20:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2016 21:22:50 GMT
I have no ideas, just lots of hugs and "If you ever want to talk, I am here." Hopefully some else has something better for you. (((HUGS))) to you also. This |
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Post by khaleesi on Jul 5, 2016 21:26:22 GMT
For some reason quoting is not working but I would take the approach that Peabay mentioned. I saw a car vs pedestrian fatal accident when I was around 11 and that is what my parents did with me. *Hugs*
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Post by peano on Jul 5, 2016 21:26:47 GMT
How terrible he had to witness that! Even if you find he's not ready to talk about it now, I would continue to offer him the chance to by casually bringing it up periodically. You may also find that his emotions are more extreme/all over the place than usual, or that if he is exposed to similar situations in the media or in movies, they may be triggers.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 12, 2024 20:20:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2016 21:27:04 GMT
I would you use it as a teaching moment. Since your son will soon be driving it's the perfect opportunity to explain how dangerous vehicles are. Explain that driving is a huge responsibility and life can be gone in a moment. Explain to him about wearing a safety belt. I would ask if he would like to talk about. I was going to type something like this. The intention is good, but witnessing a death is not a teaching moment. |
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Post by jenjie on Jul 5, 2016 21:29:28 GMT
Steph I'm so sorry. Thank you and dh for jumping in to help.
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Post by Basket1lady on Jul 5, 2016 21:30:18 GMT
I would you use it as a teaching moment. Since your son will soon be driving it's the perfect opportunity to explain how dangerous vehicles are. Explain that driving is a huge responsibility and life can be gone in a moment. Explain to him about wearing a safety belt. I would ask if he would like to talk about. I'd be careful of this. He may never want to drive because of that. We live in northern Virginia and DS was really afraid to drive for a long time. He didn't get his actual license until over a year after he was eligible. He's 19 now and was in an accident a few weeks ago. The other driver pulled out in front of him when he was just a few feet away, going about 40 mph. He was able to swerve into another lane and brake, but still hit her. Thankfully no one was hurt and he was determined to be without fault. The other driver was cited. We get his car back from the shop tomorrow and he's nervous to drive it again. He's driven my van a few times and says he trusts no one now. Both of my kids saw an accident moments after it happened. We pulled over and I pulled the toddler out of his car seat and kept him calm until the paramedics got to the scene. We told the kids to stay in our vehicle and DH went to help the parents. The kids were quiet, but seemed to be ok within a day or two. But all were transported alive to the hospital. I don't know what happened after that. If you are a religious sort, you can include the woman in your prayers. Let your DS talk when he needs to and I'd be around him more in the next week or so, just to keep an eye on him and not let him alone with his thoughts for too long. |
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Post by Basket1lady on Jul 5, 2016 21:31:18 GMT
I would you use it as a teaching moment. Since your son will soon be driving it's the perfect opportunity to explain how dangerous vehicles are. Explain that driving is a huge responsibility and life can be gone in a moment. Explain to him about wearing a safety belt. I would ask if he would like to talk about. I'd be careful of this. He may never want to drive because of that. Most kids would get the connection pretty quickly. We live in northern Virginia and DS was really afraid to drive for a long time. He didn't get his actual license until over a year after he was eligible. He's 19 now and was in an accident a few weeks ago. The other driver pulled out in front of him when he was just a few feet away, going about 40 mph. He was able to swerve into another lane and brake, but still hit her. Thankfully no one was hurt and he was determined to be without fault. The other driver was cited. We get his car back from the shop tomorrow and he's nervous to drive it again. He's driven my van a few times and says he trusts no one now. Both of my kids saw an accident moments after it happened. We pulled over and I pulled the toddler out of his car seat and kept him calm until the paramedics got to the scene. We told the kids to stay in our vehicle and DH went to help the parents. The kids were quiet, but seemed to be ok within a day or two. But all were transported alive to the hospital. I don't know what happened after that. If you are a religious sort, you can include the woman in your prayers. Let your DS talk when he needs to and I'd be around him more in the next week or so, just to keep an eye on him and not let him alone with his thoughts for too long. |
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Deleted
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May 12, 2024 20:20:51 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2016 21:36:42 GMT
I would urge you to talk to him and if there is even a hint that he doesn't feel comfortable in a car, find some counseling for him.
We had a bad accident and I was a very nervous driver after that and had a lot of trouble as a passenger but generally did okay. Then my dad had an accident and died from his injuries and I have trouble even being a passenger in the car. I often have to find distraction techniques such as looking at my phone, reading, or knitting so that I'm not seeing the traffic and other cars.
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Post by cahwoo on Jul 5, 2016 21:38:45 GMT
I'm so sorry your son witnessed that accident. It might not be the same but when I was 14 I was in a fatal accident. My little sister was in the front seat and died. Although I don't really remember it because I was in shock I would not ride in the front seat of a car for 3 years. I still am very nervous riding in the front seat of a car.
I would have him talk to someone no matter what and NOT just you. He needs a professional person to help him talk his feelings out. It may take time for him even to want to ride in the front seat again. He may not say anything but I'm sure it has affected him way more than beyond normal.
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Post by tommygirl on Jul 5, 2016 21:41:38 GMT
I witnessed a fatal accident and it really really upset me for quite a long time. I didn't want to drive for awhile but I am the mom (aka taxidriver) so it wasn't an option.
I would go with what Peabay said
So glad you got home safely yourselves. Prayers for the family of the person involved.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
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Post by luvnlifelady on Jul 5, 2016 21:44:00 GMT
My only advice is if has his license or is learning how to drive is to get him back into the car as a driver as soon as you can. You don't want it traumatizing him from driving. I was in an accident and I think it freaked me out so much so that I had trouble driving freeways for a few years. I'm pretty much better now but it sucked for some time.
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Post by shannoots on Jul 5, 2016 21:44:31 GMT
We had something similar happen about 5 years ago. A woman was ejected and landed right in front of our car. My kids were pretty young... They were 8, 5, & 4. I was pretty traumatized by it myself. The woman was breathing but unresponsive. They had to airlift her out. Anyway, I think everyone is different and I would probably do what peabay suggested. I did want to talk about it but not everyone is like that.
I did talk about it with my kids but not a lot because they were little. I don't think they actually say the accident. However, my oldest and I were driving the other day and these guys in front of us didn't have their seatbelts on. We talked about why you should wear your seatbelt and he brought up that accident, 5 years later. Clearly, it did make an impact.
I am sorry you had to witness such a tragedy.
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MorningPerson
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,506
Location: Central Pennsylvania
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Post by MorningPerson on Jul 5, 2016 21:46:42 GMT
I'm so sorry your son witnessed that accident. It might not be the same but when I was 14 I was in a fatal accident. My little sister was in the front seat and died. Although I don't really remember it because I was in shock I would not ride in the front seat of a car for 3 years. I still am very nervous riding in the front seat of a car.
I would have him talk to someone no matter what and NOT just you. He needs a professional person to help him talk his feelings out. It may take time for him even to want to ride in the front seat again. He may not say anything but I'm sure it has affected him way more than beyond normal. My heart breaks for what you must have gone through. I think you have good advice for Steph. Steph, I admire you and your husband for jumping and helping like you did. |
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Jul 5, 2016 21:46:48 GMT
I'm so sorry! What a horrible experience for all of you. Because of my job, I've been on some awful scenes (although haven't witnessed one actually happening), and while the guys are very good about keeping me away from a bad scene, the tension and grief in the air is palpable. Here are some things that have helped my friends, and also some community advice from an accident that claimed 2 teens a couple of years ago. My son served as student chaplain for his college dorm, and also received some of this information in his training (sadly, he had to use it).
Definitely keep a close eye on him. It may not show up right away - could be weeks or months or years, especially since he's nearing driving age. Be patient with vehicle anxiety.
Make those around him aware of the situation in case he brings it up. Friends, teachers, coaches etc.
If you have a clergy, talk with them and see if there is a youth pastor or leader or other mentor-type person in the church who could spend some time with him.
If you have any friends in LE, EMS or Fire, they are going to be your best source of advice. They may have information on debriefing groups, etc if it gets to be a significant problem. Larger departments have staff chaplains that can be of a lot of help. A retired or current member of ES that he knows/is familiar with would also be a good person for him to spend some time with in a casual manner - go fishing, go to a game, etc.
I would not use the situation as a driving safety lesson, at least not now. Right now he's trying to deal with the fact that he saw someone lose their life. He's feeling shock, horror, compassion, grief, probably some survivor's guilt. My opinion is that any discussion in which responsibility for her death is connected to her driving isn't going to help. He'll figure that out on his own. Of course, if he asks questions along those lines, obviously follow his lead and reassure him that he can make decisions that will help him be safer while driving.
Find something he/your family can do for her family - a card, plant for the funeral, donation to a charity if mentioned in her obit, or to a charity of his choice, the departments that responded to the scene; just something that will help him feel that he's doing something in her honor.
Most importantly, as others have said, follow his lead. Don't force him to talk if he doesn't want to, but make yourself and other resources available to him. Make suggestions. Understand that if he lashes out more than is typical for him, he's trying to process what he saw emotionally and at that age their brain has a difficult time figuring those emotions out.
Disclaimer: I'm NOT a counselor, nor do I play one on TV. |
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MorningPerson
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,506
Location: Central Pennsylvania
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Post by MorningPerson on Jul 5, 2016 21:53:40 GMT
I'm so sorry! What a horrible experience for all of you. Because of my job, I've been on some awful scenes (although haven't witnessed one actually happening), and while the guys are very good about keeping me away from a bad scene, the tension and grief in the air is palpable. Here are some things that have helped my friends, and also some community advice from an accident that claimed 2 teens a couple of years ago. My son served as student chaplain for his college dorm, and also received some of this information in his training (sadly, he had to use it).
Definitely keep a close eye on him. It may not show up right away - could be weeks or months or years, especially since he's nearing driving age. Be patient with vehicle anxiety.
Make those around him aware of the situation in case he brings it up. Friends, teachers, coaches etc.
If you have a clergy, talk with them and see if there is a youth pastor or leader or other mentor-type person in the church who could spend some time with him.
If you have any friends in LE, EMS or Fire, they are going to be your best source of advice. They may have information on debriefing groups, etc if it gets to be a significant problem. Larger departments have staff chaplains that can be of a lot of help. A retired or current member of ES would also be a good person for him to spend some time with in a casual manner - go fishing, go to a game, etc.
I would not use the situation as a driving safety lesson, at least not now. Right now he's trying to deal with the fact that he saw someone lose their life. He's feeling shock, horror, compassion, grief, probably some survivor's guilt. My opinion is that any discussion in which responsibility for her death is connected to her driving isn't going to help. He'll figure that out on his own. Of course, if he asks questions along those lines, obviously follow his lead and reassure him that he can make decisions that will help him be safer while driving.
Find something he/your family can do for her family - a card, plant for the funeral, donation to a charity if mentioned in her obit, or to a charity of his choice, just something that will help him feel that he's doing something in her honor.
Most importantly, as others have said, follow his lead. Don't force him to talk if he doesn't want to, but make yourself and other resources available to him. Make suggestions. Understand that if he lashes out more than is typical for him, he's trying to process what he saw emotionally and at that age their brain has a difficult time figuring those emotions out.
Disclaimer: I'm NOT a counselor, nor do I play one on TV. So much good advice here. I especially like having your son and/or family do something for the victim's family. Part of what can keep someone stuck in a bad place is the fact that you couldn't/can't do anything to help. Doing something for the family might be a very good thing for your son (And your whole family. This couldn't have been easy for any of you.) SaveSave |
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Rainbow
Pearl Clutcher
Where salt is in the air and sand is at my feet...
Posts: 4,103
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Post by Rainbow on Jul 5, 2016 21:56:28 GMT
I think counseling would be a good idea. This trauma could affect him for a long time. After the wreck I was in (hit by a drunk driver) I didn't drive for a month, and even then I really didn't want to drive at all. So sorry he had to witness that, Steph.
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
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Post by zella on Jul 5, 2016 22:17:34 GMT
I'd say "I'm kind of still upset about what we saw the other night. How are you doing?" And then listen. Perfect. And I'd watch for signs of ongoing distress. Check in with him every few days for a while. Tell him to let you know if he needs to speak to a professional and let him know that it's normal to have certain things happen after seeing something so bad (being jumpy, difficulty sleeping, nightmares), but that things should get better quickly, and if they don't he should get some counseling. That was a horrible thing to witness. I'm sorry. |
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akkaren
Junior Member
Posts: 75
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Post by akkaren on Jul 5, 2016 22:27:10 GMT
Hi, I'm a long time lurker but I had to add something to the advice you have been given.
I'm a teacher and a couple of years ago I took an online class about children and the affects of trauma. Basically it suggested that in the time immediately after the trauma don't ask how he feels, after all you are aware of what he is going through. Instead, ask him to recount exactly what he saw. Often those who experience trauma will embellish or make worse what they saw, though I know it seems like it couldn't be any worse.
In a few days when he's ready than talking about how he feels about what happened will be a bit easier.
Only you know when it will seem necessary to get counseling as you are his mother.
Just my two cents worth.
Karen
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Jul 5, 2016 22:33:57 GMT
Hi, I'm a long time lurker but I had to add something to the advice you have been given. I'm a teacher and a couple of years ago I took an online class about children and the affects of trauma. Basically it suggested that in the time immediately after the trauma don't ask how he feels, after all you are aware of what he is going through. Instead, ask him to recount exactly what he saw. Often those who experience trauma will embellish or make worse what they saw, though I know it seems like it couldn't be any worse. In a few days when he's ready than talking about how he feels about what happened will be a bit easier. Only you know when it will seem necessary to get counseling as you are his mother. Just my two cents worth. Karen Welcome, Karen!
I think this is very good advice.
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Post by Zee on Jul 5, 2016 22:40:51 GMT
I think it's good to open up discussion but don't treat him like he's the victim of a trauma. Instead focus on what to do to help someone in those situations, maybe have him take a CPR class, etc. Discuss first aid, how to help.
I don't think looking for trauma and setting up counseling is the best way to handle it unless it becomes obviously necessary.
But what do I know. I'd rush over to help, all caught up in the moment, and then go on about the rest of my day largely undisturbed but ready to relate the story to anyone who would listen because I'm broken emotionally. It's not so bad to be that way if you're a nurse, or EMT or something.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 12, 2024 20:20:51 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2016 23:05:22 GMT
I saw a fire truck hit a VW bug when running through an intersection. The fire truck had the red light. This was before they were required to have the loud horns and before technology was able to turn all the light red from sensors on the trucks. I saw the driver fly out of the car. I was 11. I talked to a social worker at the police department - small town, few resources. She and another police officer talked to me, my Mom and Dad about it and followed up the week after. I was OK after a few days. Something like that can and will shake a person up.
(((HGUS)))
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Post by anniefb on Jul 5, 2016 23:26:58 GMT
I'd say "I'm kind of still upset about what we saw the other night. How are you doing?" And then listen.  |
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TankTop
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1,871
Posts: 4,773
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Jun 28, 2014 1:52:46 GMT
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Post by TankTop on Jul 5, 2016 23:34:26 GMT
I am not sure what the right thing to do is, but I just wanted to let you know that I believe in your ability to parent your child in the right way through this situation. You have never gone off course before.
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I guess for starters I would come out and ask him if wanted to talk about it-with you or even someone else like a counselor, and then just go from there. If he didn't want to, I'd try to respect that as long as he didn't exhibit changes in behavior past a few days to a week or so.
