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Post by Really Red on Jul 7, 2016 17:32:10 GMT
So. My 19yo is staying with another family over the summer. I do not know them. They appear to be all that and 20 bags of chips. Truly just perfect. They treat her like their own and I know she is very helpful and respectful to them.
When my DD asked if she could do this, I said yes, but that the family needed some recompense. She told me they refused. They are not super well off and neither am I, which they are aware. I called the mom and told her I'd like to give her some money. She said that wasn't necessary, but I think not only is it fair, it'll be easier on my DD not to feel constantly worried about if she showers too much or something else. So I suggested $100/week and the mom said okay. I gave my DD some blank checks and each Saturday she gives the mom $100. It's been 8 weeks now and she's cashed only 2 of the checks, and not subsequent ones, nor the first 2. Just 2 random ones.
My question: Should my DD say something? If she didn't take the money, I could give the family something big (a weekend away? GC to Amazon?), but if she is just not good about cashing checks, I can't really afford to do both. Maybe she's just trying to be kind to me which truthfully I would really appreciate. (On a side note, who knew your financial aid decreases when the value of your home increases - it's not like I get the money in the value of my home unless I sell it!!)
So I guess I'm asking how much responsibility should I/my DD have? This family has been nothing but kind. I don't want to be ugly. Thoughts?
FWIW: DD works about 60 or so hours a week and is out of the house 5 or 6 out of 7 days. She eats with them on the day(s) she's home and watches their young kids when she's able or they need her to. Kids are pre-teens so not babies and probably could be left alone (8 and 11) and be fine. She otherwise doesn't eat with them, but uses their wifi, bathroom, etc. She helps with cleaning whenever she's home and the mom has texted me a few times telling me how happy she is to have her.
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Post by krc11 on Jul 7, 2016 17:41:30 GMT
If she's cleaning and babysitting and making full use of the house only one day a week, I think you are good. You have offered. I wouldn't get anything else. Just let her bless you. And you never know, she might cash those checks later. Unless your daughter isn't giving her the checks. I actually don't think if I was short of money, I would be able to afford to pay $400 a month when my dd could live in my home for much less.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,610
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jul 7, 2016 17:41:59 GMT
I'd keep it the way it is. You have offered, in good faith, the money. If she's not cashing the checks, so be it. I wouldn't give another gift.
However, it would screw up my banking if someone didn't cash checks. That would frustrate me. I'm not sure how you say that to someone though: "are you gonna cash these or do I have a couple of extra hundred bucks to spend?" Hopefully someone else can come up with a good way of asking that.
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,775
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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WDTPT?
Jul 7, 2016 17:42:59 GMT
Post by scrappert on Jul 7, 2016 17:42:59 GMT
I would text the mom and ask about the checks. If they are coming out of your account, you have every right to inquire about them. I think pretty much every bank has mobile deposit, so really there should not be an issue of not being able to get to bank (unless this is a really small town with an itty bitty bank).
If there was a way to just pay cash, that is what I would switch to. It just makes it easier all the way around.
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Post by scrapmaven on Jul 7, 2016 17:46:52 GMT
"Hello so and so. I was doing my banking today and noticed that several checks hadn't been cashed. I just wanted to make sure that dd is paying you, weekly while she stays with your family."
Eventhough you know dd is giving her the checks it makes it less awkward to ask about them if you phrase it like that. Your dd babysits and is rarely home. So, I'm not sure that $400 per month is necessary, but it's the kind and right thing to do if the mom wants it. If not, take the babysitting and already cashed checks and say thank you.
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WDTPT?
Jul 7, 2016 18:11:41 GMT
Post by anniefb on Jul 7, 2016 18:11:41 GMT
"Hello so and so. I was doing my banking today and noticed that several checks hadn't been cashed. I just wanted to make sure that dd is paying you, weekly while she stays with your family." Eventhough you know dd is giving her the checks it makes it less awkward to ask about them if you phrase it like that. Your dd babysits and is rarely home. So, I'm not sure that $400 per month is necessary, but it's the kind and right thing to do if the mom wants it. If not, take the babysitting and already cashed checks and say thank you.  |
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calgal08
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,519
Jun 27, 2014 15:43:46 GMT
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Post by calgal08 on Jul 7, 2016 18:13:14 GMT
I would touch base with the family in a casual "hey, I just noticed" kind of way. My concern would be if they suddenly deposited several of the checks at the same time. That would be a big hit to your account.
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Post by littlemama on Jul 7, 2016 19:01:33 GMT
That seems like a lot to give since your dd is rarely there and is babysitting. I would continue to let your dd give them the checks. When it is time for her to come home, the mom may hand her back some or all of them, keeping the amount she thinks is fair. I wouldn't say anything yet.
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WDTPT?
Jul 7, 2016 19:42:22 GMT
Post by papersilly on Jul 7, 2016 19:42:22 GMT
if you offered and you daughter faithfully hands over the $100 check each week, it's on them if they decide no to cash it within the time allowed by the bank.
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Post by not2peased on Jul 7, 2016 19:49:47 GMT
I think it's really, really weird that you would insist on paying them, and $100 a week??? for some hot water for a shower and some meals? that seems excessive, and it seems weird that you would be so insistent about it.
also, why would you feel you need to pay them when your daughter is doing stuff for them?
I would instruct your daughter to stop paying them and let the mother know that you noticed she isnt cashing the checks and for her to let you know if she wants you to start giving them checks again.
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WDTPT?
Jul 7, 2016 19:51:55 GMT
Post by not2peased on Jul 7, 2016 19:51:55 GMT
if you offered and you daughter faithfully hands over the $100 check each week, it's on them if they decide no to cash it within the time allowed by the bank. no way would I keep giving checks to someone who wasn't cashing them-that would make me insane-especially if she decided to cash them months later. but then, I wouldnt have offered to pay in the first place, considering they were getting free babysitting and housekeeping assistance |
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Post by lisacharlotte on Jul 7, 2016 19:57:01 GMT
I also don't understand why you insisted on DD paying the family. She is helping out at the house and watching the children and well as working outside the home. That is compensation for her room and board.
I'm also not sure why you were involved in the first place. She's 19, it was her decision.
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Post by papersilly on Jul 7, 2016 20:07:09 GMT
if you offered and you daughter faithfully hands over the $100 check each week, it's on them if they decide no to cash it within the time allowed by the bank. no way would I keep giving checks to someone who wasn't cashing them-that would make me insane-especially if she decided to cash them months later. but then, I wouldnt have offered to pay in the first place, considering they were getting free babysitting and housekeeping assistance if it were me and we agreed on $100 a week, then I would keep with the agreement just to be good on my word. the agreement wasn't that she would cash the checks. that was just assumed because she agreed to accept them. but that's up to her and the bank. if the checks expire, I'm not writing new ones. |
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~Lauren~
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by ~Lauren~ on Jul 7, 2016 22:09:20 GMT
If you gave away checks anticipating that $100/wk would be deducted, why would it screw up your banking or make you take a "big hit" later if they're cashed all at once? I'm assuming that you deduct the $100/wk from your balance so regardless of when or how she cashes the check, the money should be there. Otherwise, you're spending money that you already gave to someone else but that they simply haven't collected yet. If that's how you handle a checkbook, then the bigger issue is how you bookkeep, not the fact that the check is cashed.
As far as not offering the money, I think that's wrong. I think the OP did the correct and polite thing. The fact is, this family is offering a roof over the girl's head, food, facilities, etc. Regardless of whether she helps out or occasionally babysits, the value of what the dd is getting is far less than she would have to pay for a dorm or a room/apartment somewhere. So what if she's out most of the day or chooses to eat a bunch of meals out. If she got her own place, she'd pay for the place, the utilities, the cable, the internet etc whether she was there or not. So $100/wk is a steal; even with a few hours a week of babysitting and helping out around the house.
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WDTPT?
Jul 7, 2016 23:19:31 GMT
Post by mom on Jul 7, 2016 23:19:31 GMT
If you gave away checks anticipating that $100/wk would be deducted, why would it screw up your banking or make you take a "big hit" later if they're cashed all at once? I'm assuming that you deduct the $100/wk from your balance so regardless of when or how she cashes the check, the money should be there. Otherwise, you're spending money that you already gave to someone else but that they simply haven't collected yet. If that's how you handle a checkbook, then the bigger issue is how you bookkeep, not the fact that the check is cashed.
As far as not offering the money, I think that's wrong. I think the OP did the correct and polite thing. The fact is, this family is offering a roof over the girl's head, food, facilities, etc. Regardless of whether she helps out or occasionally babysits, the value of what the dd is getting is far less than she would have to pay for a dorm or a room/apartment somewhere. So what if she's out most of the day or chooses to eat a bunch of meals out. If she got her own place, she'd pay for the place, the utilities, the cable, the internet etc whether she was there or not. So $100/wk is a steal; even with a few hours a week of babysitting and helping out around the house. Thank you for saying what I was thinking. There should be no freaking out over her cashing them all at once, or in six months. Take the money out of your written budget and don't spend it. Then when she cashes them, the money is there. Once you give the check out, you've spent the money, regardless when they chose to collect the money. |
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mallie
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Jul 7, 2016 23:27:29 GMT
Post by mallie on Jul 7, 2016 23:27:29 GMT
I would touch base with the family in a casual "hey, I just noticed" kind of way. My concern would be if they suddenly deposited several of the checks at the same time. That would be a big hit to your account. That would be my concern. I can see, for example, if someone does not cash a check, after a while you start to assume they are not going to. It would be human nature to chalk up that amount as now available. I also know that although checks are not supposed to be cashable after a certain amount of time, many banks ignore their own rules and will cash checks regardless. I can also see a situation in which they do not plan on cashing the checks because they like your dd so much, etc and then one day, get mad at her or decide they really do need the money and decide to cash them without warning. |
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Post by mlynn on Jul 7, 2016 23:35:18 GMT
I would leave it alone. To do anything additional is like forcing it on her. She told you it was not necessary. Daughter is providing services. She may feel that she cannot in good conscience cash the checks because of the negligible affect of your daughter and the services she provides. Her conscience matters as well as yours. Besides...maybe it is her way of saving up for something. You never know. Just treat the checks as outstanding checks and let it be for the time being.
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WDTPT?
Jul 8, 2016 0:38:16 GMT
Post by not2peased on Jul 8, 2016 0:38:16 GMT
If you gave away checks anticipating that $100/wk would be deducted, why would it screw up your banking or make you take a "big hit" later if they're cashed all at once? I'm assuming that you deduct the $100/wk from your balance so regardless of when or how she cashes the check, the money should be there. Otherwise, you're spending money that you already gave to someone else but that they simply haven't collected yet. If that's how you handle a checkbook, then the bigger issue is how you bookkeep, not the fact that the check is cashed. As far as not offering the money, I think that's wrong. I think the OP did the correct and polite thing. The fact is, this family is offering a roof over the girl's head, food, facilities, etc. Regardless of whether she helps out or occasionally babysits, the value of what the dd is getting is far less than she would have to pay for a dorm or a room/apartment somewhere. So what if she's out most of the day or chooses to eat a bunch of meals out. If she got her own place, she'd pay for the place, the utilities, the cable, the internet etc whether she was there or not. So $100/wk is a steal; even with a few hours a week of babysitting and helping out around the house. I have a budget spreadsheet I use and those uncashed checks would offend my OCD sense of order. I would keep obsessively checking to see if they were cashed. I use color coding on my spreadsheet-orange for checks or payments that are made, but not cleared, and then change to blue when they clear. seeing that orange, week after week, month, after month would send me to the funny farm  |
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~Lauren~
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,876
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Post by ~Lauren~ on Jul 8, 2016 0:44:14 GMT
Oh my. I get OCD about somethings, but my check book is not one of them. LOL
However, it sounds like you would not spend money that you had already written a check for but haven't been cashed. And that was my point.
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Post by Really Red on Jul 8, 2016 3:50:52 GMT
After a while I forget I have outstanding checks  (giant face of shame) I also have a lot more money in the summer than the school year because I only pay tuition Aug-Apr I would NEVER consider the fact that my daughter helps out when she can to be payment for living with someone all summer. I consider that she is doing what a normal human being does when in anyone's home, including her own. |
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Post by mlynn on Jul 8, 2016 4:02:03 GMT
After a while I forget I have outstanding checks (giant face of shame) I also have a lot more money in the summer than the school year because I only pay tuition Aug-Apr I would NEVER consider the fact that my daughter helps out when she can to be payment for living with someone all summer. I consider that she is doing what a normal human being does when in anyone's home, including her own. YOU might NEVER consider it any sort of compensation. She MIGHT! My point being, you have tried to pay her several times. She turned you down the first time and she is not cashing all of the checks. I think that her viewpoint is just as valid as yours. You risk offending by insisting to have your way. Besides, she might be using it as a way to set aside funds. She could be planning to cash them when needed. Wait until DD is gone and then you can contact her saying that you are preparing to do some financial planning for the school year and are wondering when she will be cashing the checks. If she says she will not be cashing them, accept it graciously. You could always send flowers or something after that if you like.
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WDTPT?
Jul 8, 2016 17:58:49 GMT
Post by Basket1lady on Jul 8, 2016 17:58:49 GMT
After a while I forget I have outstanding checks (giant face of shame) I also have a lot more money in the summer than the school year because I only pay tuition Aug-Apr I would NEVER consider the fact that my daughter helps out when she can to be payment for living with someone all summer. I consider that she is doing what a normal human being does when in anyone's home, including her own. YOU might NEVER consider it any sort of compensation. She MIGHT! My point being, you have tried to pay her several times. She turned you down the first time and she is not cashing all of the checks. I think that her viewpoint is just as valid as yours. You risk offending by insisting to have your way. Besides, she might be using it as a way to set aside funds. She could be planning to cash them when needed. Wait until DD is gone and then you can contact her saying that you are preparing to do some financial planning for the school year and are wondering when she will be cashing the checks. If she says she will not be cashing them, accept it graciously. You could always send flowers or something after that if you like.
I like this answer. So you have about $1,000 floating in the wind by the end of the summer if she doesn't cash the checks. It's ok! If she cashes the checks, you have budgeted for it and you will be fine. If she does not end up cashing the checks (after one polite reminder and 6 months has passed since the date of the last check, I would transfer that money to my savings account. You can use it for Christmas or just to have $1,000 in your savings account. Both would be a win. I'm one that hates to cash checks. I seldom go into the bank and I find the phone depositing process to be tedious. In fact, I have about $1,000 worth of checks to be cashed right now. I'm going to go and take care of that right now! And I certainly would not leave it to my adult 19 year old who I am supporting and I'm the one writing the checks. It's up to your DD to be a good roommate and to pay the family as agreed. I would keep her out of the check cashing part of things. |
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mlana
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Jul 8, 2016 18:02:15 GMT
Post by mlana on Jul 8, 2016 18:02:15 GMT
So. My 19yo is staying with another family over the summer. I do not know them. They appear to be all that and 20 bags of chips. Truly just perfect. They treat her like their own and I know she is very helpful and respectful to them. When my DD asked if she could do this, I said yes, but that the family needed some recompense. She told me they refused. They are not super well off and neither am I, which they are aware. I called the mom and told her I'd like to give her some money. She said that wasn't necessary, but I think not only is it fair, it'll be easier on my DD not to feel constantly worried about if she showers too much or something else. So I suggested $100/week and the mom said okay. I gave my DD some blank checks and each Saturday she gives the mom $100. It's been 8 weeks now and she's cashed only 2 of the checks, and not subsequent ones, nor the first 2. Just 2 random ones. My question: Should my DD say something? If she didn't take the money, I could give the family something big (a weekend away? GC to Amazon?), but if she is just not good about cashing checks, I can't really afford to do both. Maybe she's just trying to be kind to me which truthfully I would really appreciate. ( On a side note, who knew your financial aid decreases when the value of your home increases - it's not like I get the money in the value of my home unless I sell it!!)So I guess I'm asking how much responsibility should I/my DD have? This family has been nothing but kind. I don't want to be ugly. Thoughts? FWIW: DD works about 60 or so hours a week and is out of the house 5 or 6 out of 7 days. She eats with them on the day(s) she's home and watches their young kids when she's able or they need her to. Kids are pre-teens so not babies and probably could be left alone (8 and 11) and be fine. She otherwise doesn't eat with them, but uses their wifi, bathroom, etc. She helps with cleaning whenever she's home and the mom has texted me a few times telling me how happy she is to have her. Sorry for the hijack, but I have to ask - are you filling out the FAFSA? I thought the family home was excluded from the value of real estate owned? I'm not looking at the paperwork now, but I seem to recall that the directions said to only include real estate that wasn't your primary home, like vacation homes, rental properties, etc. Marcy |
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WDTPT?
Jul 8, 2016 18:10:25 GMT
Post by Lexica on Jul 8, 2016 18:10:25 GMT
I would make sure you deduct that $100 whether it is cashed or not. Make a separate piece of paper and stick it in your check register to tally it up. If they don't use all the checks at the end, then have a conversation with them and decide how you want to handle it.
By the way, it sounds as if you did a fantastic job in raising your daughter. I so wish my sister had done the same with the niece that lived with me for the 7 months and drove me nuts.
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WDTPT?
Jul 8, 2016 18:37:30 GMT
Post by leftturnonly on Jul 8, 2016 18:37:30 GMT
One thing you haven't mentioned is any possible father in the home. You've only talked about the mother. If this were us and we had your daughter for the summer, I could very well see my ldh refusing to cash the checks regardless of the agreement you and I may have made. There were times when we did take a couple of very young nieces for weeks at a time, so a have I very good idea of how he may have felt. You came to a happy agreement with the family. You've been paying them in good faith. Your burden to try to balance their generosity is fulfilled. You've asked the peas and been reassured. Now, go enjoy your summer!  |
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Post by lucyg on Jul 8, 2016 18:43:38 GMT
I think you are way overthinking this. You offered to pay them and they turned you down. I would have left it at that and sent them a nice gift.
Instead, you're paying them anyway. Now you're getting irritated because the checks haven't been cashed. I would NOT call and bug the mom about it. Just live with the uncertainty until the checks get cashed or expire.
Let it go.
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My original pea date was November 1999 and my number was 1803
(giant face of shame)
