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Post by jenjie on Jul 8, 2016 13:32:02 GMT
Girls make sure you read downthread, there are some very impactful ways our peas and their family members were helped in ways we might never consider. If nothing else this may help us to think outside the box.
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Over the past few weeks I've been sharing pieces of our story on Facebook. For some reason people appear to be drawn to it. As here, I've shared some good, bad and ugly - except there I'm not throwing Fred under the bus! LOL. And always Jesus. Can't tell OUR story without him.
It's been interesting as several people let me know they needed to hear it - a family member or friend was in the process of dying or had just died suddenly and my words were helpful to them. Which is sad but good at the same time.
So anyway there have been a few "practical" posts thrown in. The peas have asked again and again, what can I do to help my friend? So I thought I'd share my post from last night - just show up. Add what you have done or what someone has done for you that was helpful. Big or little.
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"Just show up". This is the name of the book I'm reading.
When our friends or loved ones are going through a dark place we want to help but it's hard to know how. Chances are if you say "let me know if you need anything", they probably won't. It's hard enough to accept help. To actively seek it out not knowing if the other person is even in a position to help is a whole different animal.
There were so many people who helped us (some still help) in big and little ways, all needed. Some served in anonymity by their own choice. I am not about to start naming names but each was and is appreciated.
If you want to help a friend who is going through a difficult season, ask God if there is a need only you can fill. See if there is something obvious you can help with that needs doing and offer it.
Here are some of the ways people have helped us. In no particular order. Maybe it will give you some ideas as you seek to meet someone else in their place of need.
If you have something that was especially helpful to you and didn't make my list, please share it here.
Prayer. There were so many voices lifted up to heaven with our names on their lips. It was so necessary and appreciated. There were times people would text to let us know they were praying. One particular time we had just received discouraging news from the doctor. Nobody knew. Within 10 minutes I received no less than 6 texts from various people saying they were praying. I knew God had put us on their minds.
Texts. See above. So much encouragement. I'm praying for you. Here's a Bible verse. Here's something to make you laugh. You are not forgotten. I care.
Visitors - at home and at the hospital. Some came once. Some came repeatedly. All were appreciated. It made Fred feel cared for, broke up the monotony and gave us something to look forward to.
Availability - some key people stepped in and stayed. They let me know I could call them any time, day or night, for advice, to vent or process something, to let them know of an emergency. They made it known that we were their priority. In our situation there were enough people that were always available that I was able to spread it out between them and hopefully not burden any one person too much.
"Need anything from the store?" Last minute groceries and meds.
Medical and pharma friends helped explain medical terminology and meds, and helped us know when it was time to call the doctor and when it was time to relax. They fielded lots of questions and helped me know what kind of questions I should be asking the doctor. Several nurse friends came to the house to give Fred a needed shot.
Kids - people made sure our kids were fed and their hearts were cared for. They took them on outings and to activities.
Food - many people brought a meal. Several people kept bringing meals. This was a surprise to me but was something they enjoyed and wanted to do. Rotisserie chicken from Shoprite or pizza delivery are excellent options if you want to feed your friends without cooking.
Housecleaning. A few people offered to clean house for us and someone anonymously paid for housecleaning service.
Yard work
home repairs
setting up a budget
shopping for a car
Transportation - for kids to and from school, church and other activities. If you can't commit but might be available in a pinch, please offer. Several months ago I needed a ride for my kids. I had a list of people who were willing but because of the way the chips fell that particular day, I think it was the 8th person I asked who was able to help. But each one said ask again if you need to.
Transportation for Fred to a doctor's appointment when I had an appointment elsewhere that I couldn't miss.
Financial help - we received checks in the mail, anonymous cards with money, and gift cards given anonymously. Plus Fred's coworkers and our church family each put together a fundraising benefit for us. So many people came together to do something special for us.
Music - I had a friend send me many YouTube songs to encourage me and another set up and paid for a Spotify account on my behalf because she knew how helpful music was to me.
Friendship. We were never made to feel like a burden.
There is probably plenty more I'm missing but there is plenty here to give you an idea of the wide variety of ways you can help. Just show up.
Thank you to everyone who showed up for us.
ETA friends who walked in our shoes were invaluable. A former cancer patient helped me understand a bit of what Fred was dealing with mentally and physically. Another friend who watched his parents go through this was able to see both of our POV and talk us both off the ledge.
ETA again - friends and family took the kids and I shopping for funeral clothes and insisted on picking up the tab.
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Post by malibou on Jul 8, 2016 13:41:13 GMT
Your grace, kindness and thoughtfulness never cease to blow me away.
J
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wellway
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Post by wellway on Jul 8, 2016 13:47:41 GMT
I have thought this before when reading your posts but it never seemed the right time to say it so I'm just going to say it now - you need to write a book. I think it would be very helpful to those going through a difficult time and those who seek to support.
Print out every one of your posts as a reminder of all the grace and kindness you have shown and accepted during this period. You are a great example of the good that exists in this frail condition called humanity.
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Judy26
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Post by Judy26 on Jul 8, 2016 13:49:21 GMT
I have a feeling that God (and Fred) have helped you find a ministry in helping those who are going through tough times. Your words are soothing and wise. You are showing others that they can be a candle in a time of darkness. And you are proof that the journey through that darkness does not have to be traveled alone. I love reading your posts here and hope that others find strength and resiliency from your words.
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Post by wandawoman on Jul 8, 2016 13:51:22 GMT
I will probably never forget what a lady did for us when I was dealing with my mother's broken hip and trying to take care of my dad at the same time. He would not go to bed the night she fell, so none of us got any sleep. My niece-in-law's mother took a sick day to come over to help so I could get some sleep. She didn't say, "Let me know if I can do anything." She saw a need and took care of it. I want to remember that so I can remember to just do what is needed for someone else without being asked.
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Post by jenjie on Jul 8, 2016 14:05:09 GMT
I will probably never forget what a lady did for us when I was dealing with my mother's broken hip and trying to take care of my dad at the same time. He would not go to bed the night she fell, so none of us got any sleep. My niece-in-law's mother took a sick day to come over to help so I could get some sleep. She didn't say, "Let me know if I can do anything." She saw a need and took care of it. I want to remember that so I can remember to just do what is needed for someone else without being asked. Yessss! What a wonderful gift she gave to all of you. Thank you for sharing. |
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Post by mlynn on Jul 8, 2016 14:08:08 GMT
My husband had cervical spine reconstruction and never fully recovered. I would get offers from people at church to come sit with him so I could go out. What I REALLY needed was men to do something with DH. He was totally isolated from men and needed that contact.
Do not assume what the people need. ASK them. I even found myself speaking for DH instead of asking what he needed. When I realized it, he said contact with men would be nice.
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Post by jenjie on Jul 8, 2016 14:09:41 GMT
Your grace, kindness and thoughtfulness never cease to blow me away. J Thank you so much. But my naïveté is showing - while I appreciate it, I never understand this kind of comment when I'm sharing what someone else did to help us? yes I am very appreciative and in this particular instance hope it will help someone else know how to help their friends. But I'm on the receiving end here, not the giving end. |
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freebird
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Post by freebird on Jul 8, 2016 14:09:48 GMT
Jenjie.... You're supposed to write a book. I've been thinking this for weeks now. That is all.  |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jul 8, 2016 14:24:47 GMT
I agree that you need to write a book, jenjie.  MIL never had hospice care. After she passed away, we learned that in her final days at home her neighbor (she lived in a condo) would come over at any time of the day or night. Their bedrooms were on opposite sides of a shared wall, and if she needed help she knocked on the wall and he would come over and sit with her or help her. We lived several miles away and our kid was an infant at the time. We had no idea how much of a help he was to her (and us) until she was gone. |
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Post by jenjie on Jul 8, 2016 14:42:56 GMT
I have a feeling that God (and Fred) have helped you find a ministry in helping those who are going through tough times. Your words are soothing and wise. You are showing others that they can be a candle in a time of darkness. And you are proof that the journey through that darkness does not have to be traveled alone. I love reading your posts here and hope that others find strength and resiliency from your words. Thank you so much. I hope so. |
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Post by jenjie on Jul 8, 2016 14:44:06 GMT
I agree that you need to write a book, jenjie. MIL never had hospice care. After she passed away, we learned that in her final days at home her neighbor (she lived in a condo) would come over at any time of the day or night. Their bedrooms were on opposite sides of a shared wall, and if she needed help she knocked on the wall and he would come over and sit with her or help her. We lived several miles away and our kid was an infant at the time. We had no idea how much of a help he was to her (and us) until she was gone. An unseen hero. Beautiful. |
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Post by jenjie on Jul 8, 2016 14:45:17 GMT
My husband had cervical spine reconstruction and never fully recovered. I would get offers from people at church to come sit with him so I could go out. What I REALLY needed was men to do something with DH. He was totally isolated from men and needed that contact. Do not assume what the people need. ASK them. I even found myself speaking for DH instead of asking what he needed. When I realized it, he said contact with men would be nice. Yes! I did the same to my dh. |
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Post by jenjie on Jul 8, 2016 14:50:15 GMT
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Post by Delta Dawn on Jul 8, 2016 15:05:21 GMT
Can I just say Amen (we say Ameen) and love your post. Thank you. It brought tears to my eyes but everything you wrote was so true!
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Post by mikklynn on Jul 8, 2016 15:22:16 GMT
I completely agree with your list jenjie. I know I don't hesitate to call, text, or send a card any longer. I don't worry about "being a bother" for people walking this path. My neighbors also shoveled my driveway, mowed my lawn, and cleaned up my leaves. One neighbor is still leaving us treats on the chair on our front porch at least once per week. |
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Post by shescrafty on Jul 8, 2016 15:29:03 GMT
I cannot agree enough with many things you wrote. The most helpful thing is people who just DID. Our situation was different in that we never keft the hospital until we came home with hospice. People that just said, "i want to bring you lunch-is Tuesday or Thursday better?" Vs. "I will bring you food when you need it."
Our neighborhood set up a volunteer sign up and came and raked our leaves and mowed our lawns. Our school did a run fundraiser for Be the Match in Phiebe's name. The people who set up a food donation system so there was always food available at home for my son.
The people who just did.
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,775
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Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Jul 8, 2016 16:01:41 GMT
For me, after I had my son. My XH (at the time my husband) was in the military. 2 weeks after giving birth miles and miles away from any family, just having work friends and really no other outside friends, he left for a TDY for a month. I had never been around little babies up until this point. I was the baby in the family (cousins and all). It was very un- nerving and I wasn't getting any sleep. It was really a rough time for me. He was colicky and would not sleep. There was a moment I had to put him in his crib, walk out the door and just leave him to cry. IT WAS HORRIBLE. This still makes me cry when I remember this.  One work friend (who had kids of her own and whose husband was also in the military) understood exactly what I needed. She did ask want I needed and me being me, I said I was good, I don't need anything. She said she was coming over. I told her that wasn't needed. She said she wasn't asking, she was coming. That was what I needed. Someone to just tell me what they were doing and not asking me. Just do it. I find that when someone is in need, I just do it. I don't ask. There is so much going on in your head during these situations, the last thing you want to do is make another decision about something. jenjie, many times I am thankful for what you share during this very devastating, rough time. You humble me with your faith in God. |
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Post by scrapmaven on Jul 8, 2016 16:18:18 GMT
I've had everything from friends taking my children to school, dinners brought in and groceries handled. I'm very grateful for my friends who have graciously given their time to help my family. When I'm in the hospital I have 2 friends that routinely sit w/me and just keep me laughing. Most of all, I have people that will listen when I feel like I'm at the breaking point. Little things make a huge difference when you're in crisis.
Jenjie, your book will be very uplifting and inspirational, just like you.
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Deleted
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May 12, 2024 18:50:23 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2016 16:49:59 GMT
Three years ago, I was in the hospital for six weeks with my daughter(17 at the time). We had found out she had brain and spine tumors and would need several operations (with difficult recoveries). I did not leave that floor of the hospital or feel outside air for the first couple weeks. One day I was a mess and did not want visitors, but the mother of a girl in my daughter's class knew we were there and insisted on visiting. That visit was a turning point for me. She did not know me, we had never met before that day. Having a visitor that was hopeful and kind and was not among the constant parade of nurses, neurosurgeons, oncologists, palliative care, ophthalmologists, psychologists...etc..etc..was so helpful! Since then, our daughters became very close and have been like sisters and just last month, my daughter stood by her friend at her wedding.
They "just showed up" and it was a huge blessing.
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Post by ilikepink on Jul 8, 2016 16:57:21 GMT
I echo other's opinions that a book is in your future. You are the definition of grace; the way you have gone through this entire experience you didn't want to ever go through will be an inspiration for others. I really think this is what Fred and God have planned for you. But I'm on the receiving end here, not the giving end. As we give, we receive; as we receive we give. (and yes, you have me in tears again...  |
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Post by malibou on Jul 8, 2016 17:14:19 GMT
Your grace, kindness and thoughtfulness never cease to blow me away. J Thank you so much. But my naïveté is showing - while I appreciate it, I never understand this kind of comment when I'm sharing what someone else did to help us? yes I am very appreciative and in this particular instance hope it will help someone else know how to help their friends. But I'm on the receiving end here, not the giving end. While I did absolutely understand that you were sharing what others did for you, you are paying it forward by sharing the info, by showing all of us how to act gracefully in the face of such difficulty. And I don't think for one instant that you won't be first in line to help someone else who finds themself in need of just these things. So yes, your grace throughout all of what Fred went thru and continuing on, deserves to be mentioned frequently. Yes, you have expressed kindness, not only to those that did step up to help you during trying times, but towards us peas as we all got lessons in compassion that you are still teaching us. And yes, thoughtfulness, as you remember the kind deeds and know you need to share. I hope this helps you understand where I was coming from as I was once again blown away by you. J |
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MsKnit
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Post by MsKnit on Jul 8, 2016 18:34:43 GMT
Your grace, kindness and thoughtfulness never cease to blow me away. J Thank you so much. But my naïveté is showing - while I appreciate it, I never understand this kind of comment when I'm sharing what someone else did to help us? yes I am very appreciative and in this particular instance hope it will help someone else know how to help their friends. But I'm on the receiving end here, not the giving end. You were on the receiving end. Now, you are offering/giving words of wisdom to those who are following in your footsteps. You are teaching those of us who haven't been in your shoes how to manage a spouse's illness, how to manage grief, how to help someone else. You are rare, Jenjie. You have a gift of being able/willing to share so eloquently. You are freely sharing your gift. It may seem like nothing to you. However, you are making a tremendous difference. Please consider writing a book. It would be a valuable resource for so many. |
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Post by jenjie on Jul 9, 2016 3:04:55 GMT
"I find that when someone is in need, I just do it. I don't ask. There is so much going on in your head during these situations, the last thing you want to do is make another decision about something." Yes scrappert! Please don't make me decide anything. |
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Post by jenjie on Jul 9, 2016 3:06:49 GMT
scrapmaven is right. Little things make a huge difference.
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leeny
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Jun 27, 2014 1:55:53 GMT
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Post by leeny on Jul 9, 2016 3:15:11 GMT
Thank you for sharing. I just bought this book for my Nook. I am one who doesn't know what to say or do, unless it is my immediate family member. Your words have helped me think that I can do this for anyone who needs my help.
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azredhead
Drama Llama
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Post by azredhead on Jul 9, 2016 3:18:53 GMT
I have thought this before when reading your posts but it never seemed the right time to say it so I'm just going to say it now - you need to write a book. I think it would be very helpful to those going through a difficult time and those who seek to support. Print out every one of your posts as a reminder of all the grace and kindness you have shown and accepted during this period. You are a great example of the good that exists in this frail condition called humanity. THIS a 1,000 times over you never know how your experiences have influenced someone else or helped someone else. Even what you you have shown has helped them go through shown them that life is precious and you just never know how you impact others for the better. |
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Post by jenjie on Jul 9, 2016 3:24:27 GMT
Three years ago, I was in the hospital for six weeks with my daughter(17 at the time). We had found out she had brain and spine tumors and would need several operations (with difficult recoveries). I did not leave that floor of the hospital or feel outside air for the first couple weeks. One day I was a mess and did not want visitors, but the mother of a girl in my daughter's class knew we were there and insisted on visiting. That visit was a turning point for me. She did not know me, we had never met before that day. Having a visitor that was hopeful and kind and was not among the constant parade of nurses, neurosurgeons, oncologists, palliative care, ophthalmologists, psychologists...etc..etc..was so helpful! Since then, our daughters became very close and have been like sisters and just last month, my daughter stood by her friend at her wedding. They "just showed up" and it was a huge blessing. Simply beautiful. |
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Post by jenjie on Jul 9, 2016 3:26:45 GMT
Thank you so much. But my naïveté is showing - while I appreciate it, I never understand this kind of comment when I'm sharing what someone else did to help us? yes I am very appreciative and in this particular instance hope it will help someone else know how to help their friends. But I'm on the receiving end here, not the giving end. While I did absolutely understand that you were sharing what others did for you, you are paying it forward by sharing the info, by showing all of us how to act gracefully in the face of such difficulty. And I don't think for one instant that you won't be first in line to help someone else who finds themself in need of just these things. So yes, your grace throughout all of what Fred went thru and continuing on, deserves to be mentioned frequently. Yes, you have expressed kindness, not only to those that did step up to help you during trying times, but towards us peas as we all got lessons in compassion that you are still teaching us. And yes, thoughtfulness, as you remember the kind deeds and know you need to share. I hope this helps you understand where I was coming from as I was once again blown away by you. J Wow. Thank you. So much. |
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Post by jenjie on Jul 9, 2016 3:28:10 GMT
Thank you so much. But my naïveté is showing - while I appreciate it, I never understand this kind of comment when I'm sharing what someone else did to help us? yes I am very appreciative and in this particular instance hope it will help someone else know how to help their friends. But I'm on the receiving end here, not the giving end. You were on the receiving end. Now, you are offering/giving words of wisdom to those who are following in your footsteps. You are teaching those of us who haven't been in your shoes how to manage a spouse's illness, how to manage grief, how to help someone else. You are rare, Jenjie. You have a gift of being able/willing to share so eloquently. You are freely sharing your gift. It may seem like nothing to you. However, you are making a tremendous difference. Please consider writing a book. It would be a valuable resource for so many. [ Blown away. Thank you. |
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