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Post by cindyupnorth on Aug 3, 2014 20:59:02 GMT
So our youngest dd goes off to college in the fall. I've been pretty honest about my marriage and it's ups and downs. Lets just say it's not the He's my soulmate, best friend, hearts and flowers sort of marriage. How do you do it? I'm just worried that we will either, 1-never talk, or 2-fight all the time. Yes, I have done the whole have common interests, date nights, and do things together. We do all those things. But honestly, our interests are totally different, and my dh is very cheap. I feel very limited by what we can do, or ever HOPE to do. Advice? and how to go in to these next phase of our lives without killing ea other, or getting a divorce?! |
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Post by shevy on Aug 3, 2014 21:10:36 GMT
Not an empty nester, but childless.
We make plans for at least one date night/day a week. It's a no phone/work date and it's the time we connect. Honestly, it's work some weeks to get it in. But we both know that it takes work to be married.
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on Aug 3, 2014 21:24:38 GMT
First of all..... good luck on your empty nest. I have been waiting for my daughter to move out for 3 years now. She is in college but is in a college locally that doesn't have dorms and she is still at home. I do know that me and my husband get along great when my daughter is not home. She goes to Hawaii almost every year and she has gone to her dads house all through her childhood. It is really nice to have just the 2 of us here for a while..... We do have totally different interests but we also have a few of the same. I know that we do have dinner together every night and if he or I have something else going on any day at dinner we usually have it on the schedule ahead of time. for a lot of years I would start dinner planning on him being home at a certain time and a few years back I started waiting until he gets home to cook unless I am cooking a roast or something that takes hours to cook. He gets home any where from 5 to 7 pm depending on how busy they are during the day and if he has to rotate trucks around.
We usually go to bed around the same time as each other also... We usually go in and watch tv for a while... He usually always falls asleep sooner than me... most nights I lay there and watch tv for hours before going to sleep some nights I don't go to sleep. There are those nights that I want to watch 1 thing and he wants to watch another thing and I will stay in the livingroom and he will go to bed or vise versa but we don't do that often. except on Thursdays in the fall and winter when Grays Anatomy is on because that is my daughters and my time to watch it together. So husband will go to bed and I will stay up.....
We also do our errand running together on the weekends. this gives us a reason to be together doing the same thing. Some times daughter goes with us but most of the time she stay home. We usually go to lunch and then do the shopping.
now that we have a hot tub we have an hour a night in the hot tub that we spend relaxing together. this has been nice.
We have been together for 19 years and we have always known that it is ok to be in the same house and do different things and not talk all the time to each other.
Every year daughter and I go to daughters grandmas (hillsboro Oregon) to work in the garlic corn booth at the garlic festival. Some times husband goes with us but most years we take that trip without him. Like this year he is staying home. that doesn't mean we love each other less. in fact that makes me love him more because I do need a break every so often. I go to my aunts house every December. most of the time I go by myself. I usually go for 2 nights. It is just so that I can stay connected to my aunt. Therapist thought this was a good thing to do every year and it works for me. I do spend 1 day with my aunt in August when I go up north.
My husband gets his time to take trips as well. most of the time it is for business but he usually tries to take an extra day to have a day of fun where ever he goes. he doesn't travel that often for work maybe 3 or 4 times a year.
I think you and your husband will be fine.
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Post by txdancermom on Aug 3, 2014 21:29:32 GMT
We try to eat dinner most nights together, and do the household errands on weekends together (although dh drives me nutty at the store). Involve him in decisions that need to be made about the house, talk about what your kids are doing. stay in the same room in the evening, even if all you are doing is reading or chatting on line with the refupeas  Don't focus on the negative, find the positive Try to find something that you both can do together once in a while - go to something you each like with the other, share your interests. If you both want to make it work, you will. |
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Renee
Junior Member
Posts: 89 
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Post by Renee on Aug 3, 2014 21:36:42 GMT
I was surprised how much I enjoyed being an empty nester. We adore our daughter and love it that she comes home on weekends, but there has been a freedom that I never imagined I would enjoy. My husband and I have dinner together every night and spend the evenings together. To shake things up, we joined the gym together and get up early (5 am) to workout together before he has to go to work. It's been a sweet time for us. You will find a common ground! Try something new together to break up the routine.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
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Post by luvnlifelady on Aug 3, 2014 21:36:52 GMT
I can send you my daughter when you want someone else there.  Are you guys locked into your location? |
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kma
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by kma on Aug 3, 2014 21:52:54 GMT
You have to have girlfriends. Do things with them sometimes so there's not the pressure to always be together. Likewise if he has friends that he can occasionally do things with. Then you have to find a common ground. DH and I really, really enjoy our empty nest. We love that we can eat when we want or not. We go to the market together on Saturday mornings and grocery shop together, things we never did before. Sometimes if he's watching a show I don't want to watch, I'll be on the computer in the same room or reading my book
. This summer we're taking advantage of some of the free music around town. We grab a salad and take it the park and eat listening to music. We do random things we could never do before. Bike ride, walk, hang out in the yard by the fire. We both love the freedom of our empty nest. Oh and we got 2 big Labradors. They're fun and fill our lives.
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valincal
Drama Llama
Southern Alberta
Posts: 5,768
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Post by valincal on Aug 3, 2014 21:58:24 GMT
My youngest is off for university this fall too. My DH travels a lot for work, so I don't have the opportunity to get sick of him. We go out for dinner by ourselves once a week or so, and we often get together with friends. We also have a couple of trips planned that we are looking forward to. Maybe you and your DH need to spend some quality time together, really listening to each other. Sounds like you're in a rut. Good luck! |
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Post by sugarmama on Aug 3, 2014 21:58:35 GMT
I wonder about this as well. My husband and I get along fine, but we don't have many of the same interests. He watches espn or "guy" shows every night and when the kids are home, my son is in there with him. I go to my craft room. read, watch tv in another room or get on the computer. It won't be long til the last one is gone and I think I will feel bad if we just eat dinner and then go to our separate places each night until bed! Maybe we can agree on a certain program to watch each week?
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Post by gar on Aug 3, 2014 22:08:25 GMT
You don't suddenly have to do everything together! We felt it was a new chapter when we could enjoy being a couple again but we also had more time to pursue individual interests. Don't put pressure on yourselves to suddenly turn into Mr and Mrs Perfect Couple:)
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Post by ingrid6 on Aug 3, 2014 22:08:38 GMT
SI've been pretty honest about my marriage and it's ups and downs. Lets just say it's not the He's my soulmate, best friend, hearts and flowers sort of marriage.
So could this possibly be the door opening to a great new phase in your marriage? I'm not in it (your marriage), so it's easy for me to say but just a thought. Dh and I have 6 kids with only one left at home. He has been and still is my best friend and I can not wait to spend more time with him - so I realize the situation in different. But maybe, just maybe, this will be a great "new beginning" for the two of you? Good luck to you! I hope that it brings the two of you closer together, rather than further apart. |
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Post by cindyupnorth on Aug 3, 2014 22:12:03 GMT
I don't think spending too much time together is the problem. We do have our separate friends we do things with, and girls and guys wkends. We do the date nights. The one thing we can't do is eat dinner together every night. Currently on the wkends we do, and I do with my girls when they are home in the summer, etc. But dh works far away. He usually is up at 4am, and home at 730pm. I do not want to eat dinner at 730 and to go bed at 10pm. I'll be 400 pounds! TV watching together doesn't work. It's all hunting, sports and westerns. ICK! So we watch in separate rooms. I like to read, craft, flower garden, chat on the computer. He likes to hunt, fish, mow the lawn, and putz outside. We do have Nascar in common and watch that sundays, and have gone to races together.
Things I would LOVE to do, and I WANT to do are to travel, go to fun new restaurants, theater, etc. He has no interest in them, and won't pay for them. I could do them with my friends, or my girls, but I want to do things with him. KWIM?
No, luvn, I don't want your dd!! ha. I just rid of the moody one in our house!
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Post by cindyupnorth on Aug 3, 2014 22:14:35 GMT
Ingrid I hope soo!! but I really doubt it, sorry. He's just NOT my best friend. I find him really crabby, sort of closed minded, and a PITA half the time. Doesn't sound like I even like him, does it? I really could be just PMS'ing. HA. And esp after a comment he made today about dropping dd off at college and coming straight home.
I DO not want to be the perfect couple! ha. OR spend all my time with him. no way! I just want our marriage to survive, basically.
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,255
Location: Western Illinois
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Aug 3, 2014 22:25:00 GMT
Sounds like you guys should sit down and talk. Ask him how he sees your life as empty nesters. Listen without judgment. Tell him what you'd like life to be for the two of you. See if there is any common ground or room to give and take a little. Maybe if you discuss what you both want he will see, or you can make the point, that it isn't fair for one person to totally nix what the other wants.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Aug 3, 2014 23:29:26 GMT
That's a great suggestion moody! I know we've sort of skirted the issue, or joked about it. But havn't flat out talked out right about it. Thank you
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 16:34:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2014 23:37:36 GMT
I am another one who's marriage improved with our empty nest. It turned out we were mostly fighting about the kids. Sounds like your dh needs some happy pills...aka antidepressant.
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caro
Drama Llama
Refupea 1130
Posts: 5,222
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Post by caro on Aug 3, 2014 23:40:03 GMT
Sounds like you guys should sit down and talk. Ask him how he sees your life as empty nesters. Listen without judgment. Tell him what you'd like life to be for the two of you. See if there is any common ground or room to give and take a little. Maybe if you discuss what you both want he will see, or you can make the point, that it isn't fair for one person to totally nix what the other wants. This is great advice for any marriage. Cindy, how does he see your life together? Maybe he is a little nervous about your DD leaving too but can't voice it. |
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,826
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Post by scrapngranny on Aug 3, 2014 23:41:57 GMT
We have been empty nesters for several years and it's been much smoother sailing than when the kids were at home. Who knew so much of the conflict revolved around the issues.
For the last year we have been retired empty nesters...that is a whole new ball game. LOL. It has taken some getting used to being together 24/7. We both putter at our around the house chores and our other interests during the day. We always eat dinner together and have our shows we watch together in the evening.
Marriage is work no matter what phase you are in. I don't believe any action is neutral, it is either a positive or a negative. With that in mind if you make your actions positive, it goes a long way to bring about positive results.
If you are at point where you don't even know if you even like your DH it is going to be a hard road. It seems like a long time to live in such a state. I hope you can find a way to enjoy your life together now that you have conquered raising the kids.
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Post by lovetodigi on Aug 3, 2014 23:49:55 GMT
When we first became empty nesters, it about drove us nuts. We about died from boredom...so we adopted two more children. Perfect way to handle it. By the time we were empty nesters again we were ready to be empty nesters. No more boredom. Sweet peace and quiet.  |
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kate
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Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Aug 3, 2014 23:59:46 GMT
If you can, find some other couples with whom you can get together sometimes. You'll be together with your DH, but it won't be the intense 1+1, and you'll gain some new topics of conversation. Invite a neighbor couple over for a pre-dinner cocktail (just appetizers, so no big Dinner Party prep/stress), or grab lunch with another couple after church.
Go to the movies, or to free concerts or to the local museum in your town. Again, it will give you things to talk about, and maybe you'll find a new hobby together.
ITA with those who say you don't have to be 100% together 100% of the time.
Good luck in your new phase of the game!
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Post by cindyupnorth on Aug 4, 2014 0:24:23 GMT
Lovetodigi...THAT is not going to happen!! LOL
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Post by Barbie on Aug 4, 2014 0:27:41 GMT
I will say that when my daughter moved off to college 4,000 miles away, my husband and I fought a lot less. But we also talked a lot less and did a lot less together. Part of that was because of some health issues I've had that left me with little or no energy to go out and do things. And he couldn't stand staying at home. He worked long hours--not just because he had to, but because he wanted to. We had gotten to a point of just being roommates with a long history. We had no common interests other than travel, which we couldn't afford to do very often, and the last trip we took together was PURE HELL. So a few weeks after that trip, we got into an argument, and he asked if I even wanted to be married. I shocked him when I said No, I don't think I do. Of course, there was a lot more to my situation than just not having a lot in common--years of manipulation and intimidation and emotional abuse.
But I think trying to plan things to do together will be the key. Otherwise, you will just be two people living in the same house.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Aug 4, 2014 0:57:16 GMT
I don't think spending too much time together is the problem. We do have our separate friends we do things with, and girls and guys wkends. We do the date nights. The one thing we can't do is eat dinner together every night. Currently on the wkends we do, and I do with my girls when they are home in the summer, etc. But dh works far away. He usually is up at 4am, and home at 730pm. I do not want to eat dinner at 730 and to go bed at 10pm. I'll be 400 pounds! TV watching together doesn't work. It's all hunting, sports and westerns. ICK! So we watch in separate rooms. I like to read, craft, flower garden, chat on the computer. He likes to hunt, fish, mow the lawn, and putz outside. We do have Nascar in common and watch that sundays, and have gone to races together. Things I would LOVE to do, and I WANT to do are to travel, go to fun new restaurants, theater, etc. He has no interest in them, and won't pay for them. I could do them with my friends, or my girls, but I want to do things with him. KWIM? No, luvn, I don't want your dd!! ha. I just rid of the moody one in our house! I bolded the part that resonated with me. Not empty nesters yet, but I have the dh who doesn't want to do much of anything, has no real interests, etc. He'll do thing with me, but he really just crabs about everything. He can nitpick just about anything... While you may want to do things with him, it doesn't seem like he cares to do them. While a discussion is a good idea. I also think you probably should do what makes you happy with people who make you happy. While you may want to try fun new restaurants with him, his resistance must be annoying so i'd rather just have fun and go with a friend. I've learned over the past couple years that I should do the things that make me happy with those who make me happy. I've happily done some small trips and plenty of other things with others. And honestly I think it works for him too, it's not like he wanted to do most of it in the first place. |
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Post by cindyupnorth on Aug 4, 2014 1:12:47 GMT
Barbie, that is what I am afraid of...
Momto4-I'm also afraid that the more I just do on my own, or with others, I'm going to think... WTH am I doing being married? KWIM?
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Post by Barbie on Aug 4, 2014 1:28:04 GMT
This is what happened with us--it got to the point where he had his friends and I had my friends, and we didn't have any common friends. We just went about our lives completely separately. So what was the point? Other than I had a lot more financial security. And that just wasn't enough for me. I hated that I spent so many years thinking "Is this is? Is this the rest of my life?"
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Post by cindyupnorth on Aug 4, 2014 1:30:39 GMT
Barbie, those are my exact feelings, and thoughts.  |
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Post by Barbie on Aug 4, 2014 1:31:39 GMT
I'm sorry. Really, it sucks.
How far outside of Twin Cities are you?
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Post by rst on Aug 4, 2014 2:29:57 GMT
We're not there yet, but I can envision some of the same issues for us, many of them originating in my DH Parkinson's Disease and the progression it takes.
I think that, as with most things, if you really want to make a change, you do it slowly (baby steps, small and attainable goals) and remain committed to it. So you find just one thing a week where you and your DH can connect meaningfully and you stick with that, even if it seems like it's not working. And you try to build from there. Since he's not a spender, maybe you can find something saving/thrifty related that you can actually get on board with yourself, and you both, as a team, engage in that. Having a joint goal seems to help my DH and me a lot.
Maybe your marriage isn't storybook romance, and only you can evaluate how much you are willing to invest, but I'd suggest taking a long view. When there are grandchildren, being a cohesive family unit may be even more important to you. As you both age, being there for one another-- there's value in that. So it's not all just about how much you enjoy hanging out or doing leisure activities.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Aug 4, 2014 2:32:30 GMT
4 hours barbie
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 4, 2014 2:35:59 GMT
I just watched someone on t.v. talking about marriage (can't remember who). They said that in a lifetime of marriage you really go through four or five marriages (with the same person) because your lives and situations keep changing. That made sense to me… honey moon, before kids, young kids, teens, retirement years etc. Hopefully you learn to navigate through each "marriage" or know when it is best to leave.
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Don't focus on the negative, find the positive
Are you guys locked into your location?
