mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Aug 4, 2014 2:38:41 GMT
So our youngest dd goes off to college in the fall. I've been pretty honest about my marriage and it's ups and downs. Lets just say it's not the He's my soulmate, best friend, hearts and flowers sort of marriage. How do you do it? I'm just worried that we will either, 1-never talk, or 2-fight all the time. Yes, I have done the whole have common interests, date nights, and do things together. We do all those things. But honestly, our interests are totally different, and my dh is very cheap. I feel very limited by what we can do, or ever HOPE to do. Advice? and how to go in to these next phase of our lives without killing ea other, or getting a divorce?!
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I don't think spending too much time together is the problem. We do have our separate friends we do things with, and girls and guys wkends. We do the date nights. The one thing we can't do is eat dinner together every night. Currently on the wkends we do, and I do with my girls when they are home in the summer, etc. But dh works far away. He usually is up at 4am, and home at 730pm. I do not want to eat dinner at 730 and to go bed at 10pm. I'll be 400 pounds! TV watching together doesn't work. It's all hunting, sports and westerns. ICK! So we watch in separate rooms. I like to read, craft, flower garden, chat on the computer. He likes to hunt, fish, mow the lawn, and putz outside. We do have Nascar in common and watch that sundays, and have gone to races together.
Things I would LOVE to do, and I WANT to do are to travel, go to fun new restaurants, theater, etc. He has no interest in them, and won't pay for them. I could do them with my friends, or my girls, but I want to do things with him. KWIM?
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He's just NOT my best friend. I find him really crabby, sort of closed minded, and a PITA half the time. Doesn't sound like I even like him, does it? I really could be just PMS'ing. HA. And esp after a comment he made today about dropping dd off at college and coming straight home.
I DO not want to be the perfect couple! ha. OR spend all my time with him. no way! I just want our marriage to survive, basically. WHY do you want to hold your marriage together? I'd need to know that before I could give you advice.
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YooHoot
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,432
Jun 26, 2014 3:11:50 GMT
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Post by YooHoot on Aug 4, 2014 2:44:40 GMT
Sorry Cindy. No advice for you as I still have one in the nest. I understand what you are saying. Can you plan and pay for something occasionally and not let him know the cost? I know that's not a long term solution but might give you things to look forward to?
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Post by Barbie on Aug 4, 2014 2:52:23 GMT
Too bad you aren't closer!
But Mallie makes a good point--WHY do you want to hold your marriage together? Your motivation makes a difference in how you go about it. Or even IF you go about it.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Aug 4, 2014 3:09:38 GMT
950nancy, I SOO believe that! I was just thinking the other day. WHAT did I even cook before we had the girls? what did we do?? it's like it was a lifetime ago.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Aug 4, 2014 3:13:06 GMT
The reason I would want to hold my marriage together is that we have a nice family. We love our family and our girls. Not only them but our extended families, my parents, his siblings, etc. I do love him. We've been thru a lot together. He is a good dad. He is a hard worker. He has had 2 major surgeries and health crisis' that we've gone thru together. He puts up with me. HA!!
Barbie, are you in the cities?
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Post by knit.pea on Aug 4, 2014 14:08:42 GMT
Maybe make your Sunday Nascar watching a nice dinner at home, or fancy munchies and drinks, or make food from the part of the country where the race is that week. Plan your theater/fun with friends during the week, if possible. Have your dinner at whatever time you want, then sit with him while he eats the re-heated leftovers At least it's time to chat together. Somehow find a new thing you both like, in this new chapter. Trying to think inexpensive ... nature walk, coffee places, gardening, antiquing, farmer's markets, volunteering. Maybe jointly tackle one room in the house per month and de-clutter, possibly paint, move furniture. Just to keep moving forward
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Post by not2peased on Aug 4, 2014 14:56:28 GMT
I've been an empty nester for 2 years now and it's been much more of a transition than I ever thought it would be! I think it's absolutely key to develop interests that make you happy-either with him, or without him. sitting around, feeling resentful doesn't feel very good at all. you have to be responsible for your own happiness, and not rely on someone else to make you happy. I've developed interests in cycling, running, doing more things with friends, etc we have started traveling more and recently bought kayaks and have been enjoying that activity together. if he doesn't want to do what you want to do, do it without him!
we do things together but I also have interests away from him-it keeps things interesting and keeps you interesting as a person
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Post by cindyupnorth on Aug 4, 2014 15:33:30 GMT
knitp.pea, those are all good suggestions. Thanks! I definetly want to start uncluttering. Esp our upstairs! I'm waiting for my girls to be gone to do it though. I am thinking he is going to think that is just putz work, and he could be doing something much better. That's the whole additude I get whenever I suggest something like that.
not2pleased. There is definetly NOOOOOO problem with interests outside of ea other. That is not the problem at all. It's doing stuff together. Trust me, we both have alot going on..but seperately from ea other. I'm not sitting around at home, nor is he!!
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Post by Barbie on Aug 4, 2014 16:34:09 GMT
Yes, I'm in the Cities. I haven't had a lot of opportunity to explore beyond that. I've been to St. Cloud once with the girls from the scrap board, and been to Duluth once. I know there are lots of beautiful lakes and parks all over the state, but most are too far for a day trip.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Aug 4, 2014 17:28:56 GMT
I head to St cloud in about a month for a girls wkend away. We go to Crafts direct. Where you there? great store, and hit up the Little Falls craft festival.
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Post by Barbie on Aug 4, 2014 18:18:35 GMT
Yes, we met at Crafts Direct! Gosh, that was in january or February of 2013, I think.
OSDP and I have been talking about maybe buying a camper for next summer, so we can see more of the state and head Up North. Some friends have a cabin in Two Harbors, but haven't invited us up yet, lol. I'd like to visit a lot of the other lakes and parks before we move away. (No definitely time frame on that, but I know OSDP would love to get away from the MN winters!)
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Post by cindyupnorth on Aug 5, 2014 0:50:34 GMT
OSDP? not sure what that stands for?!
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Post by Barbie on Aug 5, 2014 17:10:34 GMT
OSDP? not sure what that stands for?! OSDP= Opposite Sex Domestic Partner. We live together, but aren't married. Too old for the terms boyfriend and girlfriend. And the term domestic partner typically makes people think of same sex couples.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Aug 5, 2014 17:46:01 GMT
HA. Never heard of it.
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admin
Chatterbox
Refupea #1 - jumping right out of the Pod and loving it!
Posts: 648
Location: testing testing...
Administrator
Jun 25, 2014 19:10:46 GMT
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Post by admin on Aug 5, 2014 18:09:35 GMT
OSDP? not sure what that stands for?! OSDP= Opposite Sex Domestic Partner. We live together, but aren't married. Too old for the terms boyfriend and girlfriend. And the term domestic partner typically makes people think of same sex couples. How about OH (other half)? I think most people know that one, and you'll be asked about it way less! (Typically if I see DP I think in the same vein as DH so dear/darling partner rather than domestic, but that might be just me)
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