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Post by mom on Jul 10, 2016 14:22:28 GMT
My husband and I went to funeral yesterday for the wife of one of his employees. The wife (age 50) was found unresponsive earlier in the week and passed away before the paramedics could get there.
The husband called DH and told him about the death, saying the wife had a heart attack. The family has been telling everyone that she had a heart attack all week.
As of the night before when we went to the funeral home to see the family, they were saying heart attack.
So, we go to the funeral and as the Preacher starts talking, he tells everyone it was suicide. Watching the people around me, no one realized it was suicide until then (even the family members that I could see). There was a audible gasp when he started talking about her killing herself.
Talking with my DH afterwards, he thought it was strange the minister would tell everyone it was suicide when the family had been saying heart attack.
My take on it was that the minister definitely would not say that without the family's permission.
So do you think this was the family's way of telling people? To use the minister? Or do you think it was possible that the minister went 'rouge' and did this on his own?
(I do think its possible that they realized it was suicide after the autopsy was complete, and before the funeral.)
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Nink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,947 
Location: North Idaho
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Post by Nink on Jul 10, 2016 14:25:12 GMT
Is it possible the minister didn't know they had been telling everyone something different?
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Post by jenjie on Jul 10, 2016 14:27:58 GMT
Oh wow I'm so sorry. What a terrible way to find out. Especially for those who love her.
I think it would behoove the pastor to discuss it with the family ahead of time and see whether and/or how they want it addressed beforehand.
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Post by mom on Jul 10, 2016 14:29:44 GMT
Is it possible the minister didn't know they had been telling everyone something different? I guess it is possible - I don't know for certain. The family members that I could see were not immediate family (they would have been aunts/uncles). |
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Post by mlynn on Jul 10, 2016 14:29:59 GMT
My bet is that they forgot to tell the minister about the cover story.
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Post by jenjie on Jul 10, 2016 14:31:12 GMT
People have different reasons for why they would or would not want that kind of information shared.
Some families choose to use it as a platform for suicide prevention to help others.
Others want to protect the memory of their loved one.
It is not for an outsider to choose how it should be dealt with.
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Post by mom on Jul 10, 2016 14:41:52 GMT
I agree, jenjie . I guess I just hope the minister had permission. For their family's sake. It was all just so awkward. The minister spent almost 50 minuets talking about suicide. No real warning, or anything. During the music portion of the memorial, it was all up beat. The oldest child (an adult) talked about how loving his mom had been. It was a positive, upbeat memorial. Then the minister started talking. |
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basketdiva
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Post by basketdiva on Jul 10, 2016 14:52:26 GMT
Even if the minister had permission from the family, almost an hour "sermon" on the subject was inappropriate in my mind. Focus on the life of the deceased while touching on the subject.
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momto4kiddos
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jul 10, 2016 15:18:52 GMT
Even if the minister had permission from the family, almost an hour "sermon" on the subject was inappropriate in my mind. Focus on the life of the deceased while touching on the subject. I agree, this was the woman's funeral, a sermon on suicide of that length seems inappropriate. Reading the original post my first thought was oh boy, sounds like the minister may not have been informed and how horrible for everyone to learn that news that way.... Now I really wonder, sounds as if the minister might have had his own agenda....which is horribly sad for the family if that is true. |
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georgiapea
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Post by georgiapea on Jul 10, 2016 15:29:47 GMT
The minister appears to have very rigid views on the subject. He should not have used his 'power' to take over someone's funeral.
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Post by destined2bmom on Jul 10, 2016 15:29:48 GMT
That poor family! The funeral should have been about how she lived her life, and how much she was loved. I feel that must have been devastating for her entire family and friends. The minister could have saved that for his Sunday sermon.
It might be nice if your DH took this poor guy aside when he gets back to work and just reiterate how sorry he is for the loss of his wife and if he needs anything to let him know. He may need someone to talk to after this information got out.
It makes you wonder if someone in the family is blaming someone else for her death and asked the minister to make the speech. Either way it is wrong.
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 10, 2016 15:55:09 GMT
I hope the family knew and he just didn't throw it out there. I can see a minister refusing to lie, but then he should have either not said anything at all or told the family he couldn't do the service.
A friend's husband shot himself a couple of years ago. Small towns don't need to advertise as word travels fast, but I think the family needed a couple of days to process before adding the suicide aspect in.
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Post by mom on Jul 10, 2016 16:08:19 GMT
That poor family! The funeral should have been about how she lived her life, and how much she was loved. I feel that must have been devastating for her entire family and friends. The minister could have saved that for his Sunday sermon. It might be nice if your DH took this poor guy aside when he gets back to work and just reiterate how sorry he is for the loss of his wife and if he needs anything to let him know. He may need someone to talk to after this information got out.
It makes you wonder if someone in the family is blaming someone else for her death and asked the minister to make the speech. Either way it is wrong. Dh and I discussed this and he plans on doing so. The husband was worried about taking time off, and DH told him to take what he needs - he will have a job and a paycheck. My DH has been shaken by all of this. To lose your wife at the age of 50 (suicide or not) is just so young. |
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Nink
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Post by Nink on Jul 10, 2016 16:12:47 GMT
Given the new information, then I agree that even if the minister didn't know, focusing on the suicide instead of the individual was not a good idea.
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Post by bc2ca on Jul 10, 2016 16:28:47 GMT
I can't imagine the family using the preacher to tell everyone it was suicide and I don't think I would have been able to sit through a 50 minute sermon on the subject after being shocked with that news. What denomination is the church?
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Deleted
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Jun 1, 2024 9:01:05 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2016 16:53:50 GMT
That pastor was so out of line. I had two friends commit suicide. One shot herself and the whole funeral was a beautiful tribute to her life not how her life ended which is how it should be. The person leading the funeral just said we don't know what issues she faced and left it at that. With my other friend it didn't come out that he committed suicide until after the funeral. I really feel like if the family wants to share it that's their choice and theirs alone. I hope that the pastor had permission but even if he did the way he handled it and talked about it is so wrong.
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smcast
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Post by smcast on Jul 10, 2016 20:06:33 GMT
Sounds inappropriate on the minister'said part, whether he had permission or not.
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kate
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Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Jul 10, 2016 21:18:46 GMT
I hope it wasn't some kind of awful mistake. I have sung at funerals where the preacher walked in at the last minute and had to get a quick synopsis of the deceased - I could imagine someone saying "She did it to herself," meaning she didn't take her heart meds, or didn't take care of herself overall, or something like that, and the preacher misconstruing...
The poor family. Everyone will now believe it's a suicide, whether or not that's the case. God bless them!
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Post by leftturnonly on Jul 10, 2016 21:25:03 GMT
So, we go to the funeral and as the Preacher starts talking, he tells everyone it was suicide. Watching the people around me, no one realized it was suicide until then (even the family members that I could see). There was a audible gasp when he started talking about her killing herself. Heavens sakes! That's a terrible way to tell people! If I were family or close friend, that would make me very upset to find out that way. The minister was under no obligation to talk about why or how she died. He could have given a beautiful eulogy without talking about the cause of death. So... either he went rogue or was under the impression the family had already told everyone the cause of death. SMH... |
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Post by leftturnonly on Jul 10, 2016 21:28:28 GMT
I agree, jenjie . I guess I just hope the minister had permission. For their family's sake. It was all just so awkward. The minister spent almost 50 minuets talking about suicide. No real warning, or anything. During the music portion of the memorial, it was all up beat. The oldest child (an adult) talked about how loving his mom had been. It was a positive, upbeat memorial. Then the minister started talking. That is terrible! No, it definitely sounds to me like the minister took it upon himself to take on a cause. 50 minutes!What minister in their right mind gives a 50 minute eulogy? |
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Post by mom on Jul 10, 2016 21:52:10 GMT
leftturnonly completely agree. I told DH that he had better not have a minister talk for 50 minuets at my funeral. Wham-Bam-ThankYouMam is what I would like. It can be classy and quick at the same time.
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Post by disneypal on Jul 10, 2016 23:01:22 GMT
How awful. It sounds like the family should have told the Minister not to mention the cause of death. So sad  |
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Post by annabella on Jul 10, 2016 23:27:42 GMT
Do you think the family thought it was a heart attack until the autopsy came back? I think the family didn't want to carry this secret and wanted to prevent anyone else from doing it so they asked the preacher to announce it and discuss it. I think they wanted to help others. I went to a Catholic funeral and the priest spoke for most of it, then a few people got up at the end to share some stories.
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eleezybeth
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Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on Jul 11, 2016 0:25:12 GMT
I have two thoughts.
There is so much shame, stigma and blame about suicide deaths. People don't want to tell other's the truth because of the judgement. They say, she died of a heart attack because they don't know the "why." Imagine saying, "She died of a heart attack" and someone said, but why? But if you say suicide, inevitably someone says, "But why!" I wouldn't want to deal with that either. The shame and stigma is very much alive that people who suicide can't be buried in a cemetery or have a church funeral! They still believe the church believes you are going to hell!! If you've ever wanted to know what not to say to someone whose loved one has suicided, I highly recommend Carla Fine's books.
My other thought is the preacher accepted the death and the family realized they didn't need to hide that shame. (God I hope he didn't just spring that on all of them!!!) I hope he had permission. If he didn't then screw him, that was a craptastic thing to do.
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Post by txdancermom on Jul 11, 2016 0:32:17 GMT
I would hope that the family agreed that the minister should make the reference - otherwise they could be extremely upset.
Or it could be like the minister that did the services for my mother in laws that didn't listen to what we asked, and did what he wanted, and it was horrid. I think he did everything we asked him not to.
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caro
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Post by caro on Jul 11, 2016 0:39:50 GMT
Oh wow, I hope the family gave him permission but my question is, why mention the cause of death? Couldn't the pastor just talk about the life of the woman and her life.
My first husband committed suicide. Many people asked me why he did it or some asked how he did it or who found him, etc. I was numb for weeks before I could even process it all. And it was no one's business, IMO. After awhile I talked a lot about suicide to people (not me personally) but how so many young people feel they have no hope.
My DH's parents could not accept his suicide and told everyone it was an accident. They were very mad at me for telling my friends the truth. It was ugly for a very long time, very ugly. So sad.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Jul 11, 2016 10:52:57 GMT
I went to the funeral for a young man who committed suicide when his progressive ms got tough. His father spoke very movingly about his life and struggles, ending with a plea for all of us to be there for our loved ones while we could. He had us all in tears, but it was a beautiful eulogy.
OP, did the minister take a kind tone, or was it judgy?
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eastcoastpea
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Jun 27, 2014 13:05:28 GMT
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Post by eastcoastpea on Jul 11, 2016 18:30:46 GMT
How very sad. I'm glad the husband will have the support of your husband.
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