Would this bother you? *Update* (2nd update and not good)

Second Update: I finally got a chance to talk to my cousin. He wanted to address some things with me and we are working on keeping the lines of communication open. I *thought* I was safe in expressing how I felt. It couldn't be further from the truth. 

One thing he said was telling his children to listen to them when they are saying something. He said I was parenting. I told him that was NOT my intent. I just wanted them to listen and thought I was helping. Okay, no big deal, I won't do it again. Although I will be more on guard and careful. I didn't ever do anything or get anything for the kids without asking them first to ask their mom or dad. If one of them needed help at a salad bar or getting food when I was the closest to it, I got food for them. I in no way thought I was crossing a boundary but that's easy enough to correct so fine.

Then I told him I have serious anxiety and coming home from my doctor appointments to six extra people in the house for ten days was really tough for me to process. I asked very kindly if they could just let me know when they knew who was coming and for how long. I explained that I was up at night having panic attacks over it. 

He literally went off on me. He said that it's his house and that because it's his house he doesn't have to tell me who is coming or for how long. That frankly that was none of my business. That he didn't understand why that would cause more anxiety in me and that it's mine to deal with and not his problem. He really literally went off on me and tore into me. He told me it was ridiculous and just something I had to learn to deal with.

I was hesitant when he asked me to move in because in the past I have tried really hard to reach out to him and it has not been successful. Relationships are REALLY important to me. I know that nothing matters more than our relationships truly. I try hard to keep and maintain relationships. With anxiety, depression and health issues I am not always successful but I try. Anyway, he went on to tell me that he felt literally repelled by me. That he just wanted to ignore my phone calls, emails and texts. I was crushed. He is the only family I have. I mean I do have an uncle who came into my life 4 years ago and his daughter and I have gotten close and I do have friends that are*like* family o me but it's different for sure. He WAS my family. So I felt like I lost him. I mean who wants to be around someone who says they are repelled by me. I mean he literally ignored my phone calls, texts and emails. I had friends who sent me to see him at Christmas time last year and I didn't want to go because I felt like they didn't want me there. Everyone said that was just the depression talking and that she had talked to them and they were excited to see me. Well I was right, they didn't really want me there but again it was "the right thing to do." Well screw the right thing to do, I want people in my life who WANT to be in my life. He said he loves me but honestly it reminded me of my ex fiance who was verbally abusive and would say awful things to me and then just say he loves me. 

I asked him why he invited me to live with him. (He did so completely unprompted to by me) He is religious and said he felt the Lord prompted him to ask me if I would like to live with them. He said he wanted to want me to live with them. So now I feel like I am absolutely just a burden. He also brought up food and I said I am trying to contribute in any way that I can. But I also said that having six extra people in the house for ten days when they are strapped for cash worried me. But I did say really that is none of my business they made that choice but that I was worried financially and trying to help out when I can.

We did get somewhere and it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders knowing where I really stand with him but I am crushed at what I feel is the loss of my last family member alive and my cousin in law, niece and nephew. I still don't know what to think. He also said I just don't have enough faith or I would be healed from the depression, anxiety and serious health issues I have. That hurts a lot because I have questioned my faith before and asked if it was because I didn't have enough faith. I really don't think that is it. But it has taken me years to make peace with that. I have a deep, abiding testimony of my Savior and HIS love for me. At least I know how He sees me and loves me. I feel like I will be healed but it takes time and it will be in His own way. I think of Job who was righteous and yet wasn't healed for quite some time. I feel there are things for me to learn in this process and perhaps others. I have a ton of empathy and I love others purely. I am far from perfect but man I try hard.

Sorry this is so long. This is kind of where I am at. I am staying here tonight and praying about what to do in the future. I don't know if this is a safe place here emotionally where my feelings aren't being considered. Heck my CIL's family even flips the toilet paper to the way they want it even though I was the one to put the roll on. I finally just took the tp holder out of the bathroom. It's so small but I feel like it's the one thing I have control over right now and I am tired of it being screwed with. I would NEVER change someone else's toilet paper in their house especially as a guest. I would appreciate everyone's prayers. I need them right now. I don't have family I can stay with. I have to have faith things will work out but I believe in the power of prayer to discern where to go and how to get there. Sorry this is so long!



Update: Hey everyone! Firstly (that still sounds so weird to me) I want to thank you all for your kindness and compassion. This has definitely been a tough time. I had been getting a lot more migraines too these past few weeks. I have severe endometriosis so the pain of my period is pretty tough and my emotions are all over the place. I ended up starting a week early which explains my extreme depression and anxiety. It also brought tons of physical pain so hopefully it was just stress.

I came home today to SIX additional people in the house for TEN days. I may lose my mind. I needed a warning.

I did meet with a new psychiatrist. I believe everything happens for a reason and this one was awesome and seemed to know me and my personality right off. He was impressed with my kindness but asked if people often take advantage of it. It was an interesting experience. Because I am on pain meds we are limited in what we can do. Since anti depressants made me even more suicidal those were out. (I tried several different ones). He knows I like to try things out of the box and especially things that are natural so he told me to take 10 mg of melatonin (sleep is really tough for me right now) and I am also taking valerian root, lemon balm, using youtube videos for progressive muscle relaxation and other sleep training basically. I am also on something for nightmares since I have them almost nightly. I am on a beta blocker that takes away the adrenaline. I have to be careful though because I already have good blood pressure. I am also on gabapentin which should relax me. So that's kind of where it's at and I am trying to get back into counseling.

Today I had court for a ridiculous charge of criminal reckless driving which I am NOT guilty. It's been super stressful too. They delayed it until September 8th but I put it on my facebook and have a good friend from high school and church that is a criminal law attorney in that small town where I was pulled over. That is helping to put my anxiety at bay. He thinks I have a strong case and that he should be able to help me fight it. I don't have a criminal record at all so hopefully it will all be dismissed. This past year has been super difficult with all of the uncertainty and moving. 

So anyway I am rambling but thank you all for your kindness and words of encouragement. I think I am going to talk to my cousin in law and just ask if she knows what the plan is. I really do adore them. They are the only blood related family I have. I am also grateful for my friends who are like family to me. 

ORIGINAL POST:

I don't know if I am just being extra sensitive because this year has been crazy or if this is a logical thing to be bothered about. I am staying with my cousin and his wife for awhile. I enjoyed staying with my friends but they needed my room because their baby wasn't sleeping through the night. I also needed to be closer to my doctors. 

My cousin and cousin in law invited me to stay with them. I adore them and their children who are like my niece and nephew. We have always been close. I didn't bring up moving in with them, they just offered. They have a 4 bedroom house, a 10 year old boy and a 6 year old girl.

My cousin in law's sister is at school right now. Her mom doesn't live in the same state. She will be on break for over six weeks. I was just barely informed that she may be staying with them. Her mom also frequently spends the night and I get no warning. I really got no warning with this one either. 

I do realize it's their house so they can do whatever they want. I realize they are doing a huge favor for me as I wait for disability to come through (I am 17 months into it, so it's not like I haven't started the process). I don't really do well with change and because I struggle with panic disorder and severe depression as well as physical issues it kinds of kicks my butt. I am also trying to contribute where I can to food, toilet paper, watching my niece and nephew, etc. I can't do a lot of housework because of my health issues. They understand. I also know that financially they are pretty stretched. I try not to eat too much, etc.

It's a bit awkward for me because I have never had real family. I don't have brothers and sisters, my mom was an alcoholic as well as bi polar and had multiple personality disorder (documented diagnoses). There was a lot of chaos and abuse. So my point is I don't really know how families function. This is my first experience living with family (except the many years I took care of my grandma but again that was unhealthy and filled with a ton of emotional/verbal abuse).

So I don't know if this is just normal. I don't expect them to take my opinion into consideration. I just would like to know who is coming and for how long. Even if it's just the day before. Is that a normal thing to ask? Six weeks is a long time. I still don't know whose room she would be staying in. I met her once but she was 11 or so. I love my cousin in law. She is really sweet. It is just awkward.

I am seriously having panic attacks over all of the changes in the last year. I have one almost every night.