melissa
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Post by melissa on Aug 8, 2016 4:10:46 GMT
So, in my entire life, I have never broken up with anyone. Started dating dh when we were 17, married at 28. Together off and on during that time, but never broke up. Dated other people, but never broke up. It was so much easier then without social media and texting! You could just let things fade away back then.
Backstory. Dd, now 19, has been dating a young man who is 2 years older than her. At first, he seemed great- ambitious, hard working and really treated her very well. Both were very busy and had limited time in the beginning. In the interim, he graduated from college, has no "real" job yet (waiting tables now I think) and now has lots of time on his hands. She is still very busy, dancing full time and will be even busier in the fall dancing full time and taking some college classes. Dd spent the last 6 weeks dancing in another state and will be here at home for another 2 weeks until she moves back to the city/state where he lives.
While dd was away and even a bit before, she began to realize that they were in very different places in life. He is very serious about her, talks about life later on together (like when he runs for governor of his state). She is 19 and has no plans to stay in that state, is just starting to formulate plans for after she is done dancing (finish college which would be in MA where her college is, and then possibly law school). She has no desire to live in the state where he is and has no interest in even thinking about marriage yet! While she has been away, she has become increasingly annoyed with his needy and manipulative behavior. She has no interest in rekindling anything in this relationship and wants to end it.
She feels like it would be kindest to end it in person. She also has a bunch of things she wants to return... the keys to his apartment, his class ring that he gave her right before he left (she had no idea what that meant until I told her), a shirt, a necklace and another ring. He has a key to her place too that she gave him in case she needed anything this summer (and he did send her some things she left behind).
We'd been talking about things to say, including some trite things like "it's not you, it's me," "we just want different things," "we are at different places in our lives." At the same time, she does not want him to get the wrong idea and think that there is a possible future. She strongly feels this is over and she has moved on mentally. She's learned a lot from this about how she should be treated and what she does and does not want in a relationship.
Anyway, we are seeking advice on how to end things. He actually just texted her on her phone and on Facebook saying "are you going to dump me when you get back?" and stuff about wanting to work out this rough patch. She has not answered and has turned off the notifications so she he cannot tell she has read the messages. She really doesn't want to end it on the phone or by text. She also really wants her key back!
I am at a loss. I think perhaps she does need to say something now because he is pressing her, but at the same time, I also agree that in person is the right thing. We think she should at least try to return everything he gave her.
Your thoughts?
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YooHoot
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Post by YooHoot on Aug 8, 2016 4:14:35 GMT
I don't think she should ignore him. But I also agree in person would be best. I guess the alternative would be a phone call so she's not ignoring him, but then it's not cold like a text.
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melissa
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by melissa on Aug 8, 2016 4:22:45 GMT
Her response to that was "Agggghhhh! But then what I am supposed to say?"
I said "you know what to say." She gave me the evil eye and said something I won't type (directed to me but in jest).
She knows this is going to be devastating to him. There is no way she can get back there and has no desire to go back there for another 2 weeks. It's a 10 hour drive, plus there the whole key issue.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:21:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2016 4:25:15 GMT
She is 19, she doesn't need to be tied down right now. Especially to somebody who know doesn't have clue.
Change the locks!
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ginacivey
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refupea #2 in southeast missouri
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Post by ginacivey on Aug 8, 2016 4:27:42 GMT
call a locksmith....forget the key
she can mail the other stuff if he keeps pressing
she may just have to do it over the phone
he knows it's coming
gina
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Why
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,203
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Post by Why on Aug 8, 2016 4:28:24 GMT
Does your DD have any girlfriends in the area where he/she lives? If so is it possible that that friend might need to get her key from him before your DD get back? Maybe Friend needs a place to crash while hers is being painted  |
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Post by Basket1lady on Aug 8, 2016 4:30:57 GMT
She is 19, she doesn't need to be tied down right now. Especially to somebody who know doesn't have clue. Change the locks! I don't have any real advice. It's going to be hard to avoid him for two weeks, but I generally agree that this isn't something you want to do via text. But it I do think she should change her locks. Just because I'm getting a creepy vibe off of what you are saying. And I'd rather be out the money than have him try something stupid. |
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YooHoot
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Post by YooHoot on Aug 8, 2016 4:32:25 GMT
Her response to that was "Agggghhhh! But then what I am supposed to say?" "I wanted to ask you about that text you sent. I feel like you already sense the change in our relationship. Our futures are headed in two different directions at the moment. I want to focus on myself and see where that leads me. Etc. etc. etc. I think you are amazing, and I'll probably regret losing a great guy like yourself (give him ego kibbles). I think we should continue this conversation in person when I return " |
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Post by mom on Aug 8, 2016 4:32:30 GMT
call a locksmith....forget the key she can mail the other stuff if he keeps pressing she may just have to do it over the phone he knows it's coming gina I think she needs to do this over the phone and just be done. Talking with him in person will only make it easier for him to guilt her into staying, or manipulate her. I would call and talk with him asap and ship his crap back to him, where he signs for it. Then move on. SaveSave |
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YooHoot
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Post by YooHoot on Aug 8, 2016 4:33:14 GMT
Or....she can find a hot guy, post photos of him and her on FB and let him dump her?
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melissa
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Post by melissa on Aug 8, 2016 4:43:54 GMT
Why... she loves that idea! She's going to try to figure out who is there so he doesn't have the key. That works. Changing the lock would require the involvement of apartment management company and their charges. She lives in an apartment building there. Plan A is to hold off a little bit, and find someone to get the key from him and then send him a package with everything else afterwards. She is actually mailing back his key tomorrow because he his moving to a new place. Plan B is to get over it and just tell him on the phone. She doesn't have time for a big call like that for a few days. Her next few days are jammed packed. Can't do it at night on the phone because she has to be up early most mornings to catch a train. YooHoot, I am going to read her that one. I think she will like it very much! She just went to bed. Her latest announcement "Reason not to date someone. You'll have to break up with them later. Think about that before you get involved." See.. what great life lessons she is learning! Oh.. and the hot guy thing.. that has happened already many times this summer. Not just hot guy, but hot shirtless guy(s). She was at a ballet program all summer long. Some of her closest friends are young men with incredible bodies. She actually just got a call back from one a few minutes ago though he had no advice. He thought she should have broken up with him much earlier, when the needy behaviors began. STBX BF wanted her to stay in the dorm on the weekend and have skype dates, but she wanted to go out dancing with her friends. Hot guy told her this when that happened a week or two ago. Just two young people in VERY different places in their lives!
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melissa
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Posts: 3,912
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Post by melissa on Aug 8, 2016 4:46:19 GMT
I have an early morning doctor's appointment and dd will be gone most of the day (dancers gotta' dance, you know). I will check back in later tomorrow most likely!
Thanks for the advice! As she was calling her closest friends (all male BTW and all gorgeous), I said "I'll ask the peas. They will have advice and you'll find some words you can use."
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:21:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2016 5:00:20 GMT
Does she have a friend in the area that can go get her key on the guise of needing to stay in her apartment for the next week? I'd get her key back or get the locks changed before doing anything so he has no access to her home. I doubt she can have a lock smith go change her locks without her being there but if she is renting she might be able to get her landlord to do it.
Then because he is pushing the issue I do think a phone call is the kind way to go. She can't ignore him for two weeks, he isn't going to let that happen. So do it on the phone and mail his stuff back to him.
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Post by stacmac on Aug 8, 2016 5:03:15 GMT
I would do it over the phone and get it over and done with. It's unpleasant but as someone who has been broken up with (sob!) Having him waiting for it (sound like he knows it's coming) and fretting over their relationship for a while is worse. She sounds like a gorgeous girl and definitely doesn't need to be tied down at age 19!
I would also be careful of saying she will meet up with him later talk it over again in person. You don't want him hanging on to that. Make it clear. Good luck to her!
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marimoose
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Post by marimoose on Aug 8, 2016 5:18:57 GMT
Her response to that was "Agggghhhh! But then what I am supposed to say?" "I wanted to ask you about that text you sent. I feel like you already sense the change in our relationship. Our futures are headed in two different directions at the moment. I want to focus on myself and see where that leads me. Etc. etc. etc. I think you are amazing, and I'll probably regret losing a great guy like yourself (give him ego kibbles). I think we should continue this conversation in person when I return " I think this is spot on. |
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luvnlifelady
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Post by luvnlifelady on Aug 8, 2016 5:25:12 GMT
Why ... she loves that idea! She's going to try to figure out who is there so he doesn't have the key. That works. Changing the lock would require the involvement of apartment management company and their charges. She lives in an apartment building there. Plan A is to hold off a little bit, and find someone to get the key from him and then send him a package with everything else afterwards. She is actually mailing back his key tomorrow because he his moving to a new place. Plan B is to get over it and just tell him on the phone. She doesn't have time for a big call like that for a few days. Her next few days are jammed packed. Can't do it at night on the phone because she has to be up early most mornings to catch a train. YooHoot , I am going to read her that one. I think she will like it very much! She just went to bed. Her latest announcement "Reason not to date someone. You'll have to break up with them later. Think about that before you get involved." See.. what great life lessons she is learning! Oh.. and the hot guy thing.. that has happened already many times this summer. Not just hot guy, but hot shirtless guy(s). She was at a ballet program all summer long. Some of her closest friends are young men with incredible bodies. She actually just got a call back from one a few minutes ago though he had no advice. He thought she should have broken up with him much earlier, when the needy behaviors began. STBX BF wanted her to stay in the dorm on the weekend and have skype dates, but she wanted to go out dancing with her friends. Hot guy told her this when that happened a week or two ago. Just two young people in VERY different places in their lives! My DD is also 19 and her cousin is 20 (girl). They both look at dating sort of like your DD may now. They figure if they can't see themselves marrying the guy, no point in dating. I think she'll re-think that strategy soon though but for now, it works for me! I hope your DD can just get the break up over with and move on since she sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders. |
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Post by manomo on Aug 8, 2016 5:36:36 GMT
IMHO, it's worth the trouble to change the locks. Even if a friend gets her key back from him, there's no guarantee that he won't have made an extra copy.
I also think a phone call is the best bet under these circumstances. I can't imagine stringing him along any longer.
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Post by AussieMeg on Aug 8, 2016 5:48:17 GMT
I would do it over the phone and get it over and done with. It's unpleasant but as someone who has been broken up with (sob!) Having him waiting for it (sound like he knows it's coming) and fretting over their relationship for a while is worse. She sounds like a gorgeous girl and definitely doesn't need to be tied down at age 19! I would also be careful of saying she will meet up with him later talk it over again in person. You don't want him hanging on to that. Make it clear. Good luck to her! I agree with stacmac's post, especially the bolded part. I would suggest she does NOT say that they can continue the conversation when she gets back, he needs to know that it's over and not be hanging onto false hope that there is still something to discuss. |
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Post by mlynn on Aug 8, 2016 6:21:16 GMT
He suspects it is coming. He may have already copied the key. Have her contact the landlord and get things rolling on changing the locks. It may be a pain, but the peace of mind will be worth it.
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smginaz Suzy
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Jun 26, 2014 17:27:30 GMT
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Post by smginaz Suzy on Aug 8, 2016 6:26:43 GMT
Check with the landlord about just rekeying the locks. That is just as effective and usually much cheaper than actually replacing them.
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momto4kiddos
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Aug 8, 2016 10:33:24 GMT
He suspects it is coming. He may have already copied the key. Have her contact the landlord and get things rolling on changing the locks. It may be a pain, but the peace of mind will be worth it. Exactly what I was going to say... Whatever the cost and inconvenience is to get the locks rekeyed is worth the peace of mind knowing she is safe!! He may not take the breakup well and he may have extra keys, not worth the risk to me. |
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Post by anonrefugee on Aug 8, 2016 11:01:40 GMT
Check with the landlord about just rekeying the locks. That is just as effective and usually much cheaper than actually replacing them. And depending on size of the building they might keep an inventory for changes. Remind DD to solve this problem before talking to STBX. I've watched too many Law & Order or Dateline episodes, It's made me paranoid! Maybe a walk through to look for cameras? I'm riffing off comments here, not the OP.... Sorry melissa. |
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tincin
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Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Aug 8, 2016 14:41:02 GMT
Quite honestly it doesn't really matter what she says, it will hurt him just the same. That being said, his feelings are not her problem. I think she should be as kind as possible but not so kind that he sees a future chance with her. Things that may sound trite are often quite true, things like "it's not you, it's me" and "we are in different places."
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:21:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2016 14:56:26 GMT
I think you are amazing, and I'll probably regret losing a great guy like yourself I wouldn't say any of that, it's just going to give him false hope that she'll change her mind. I get not wanting to hurt him but she needs to tell him now, a simple 'I don't want to see you again and I'd really like to leave it at that' is sufficient in my mind. No need for lengthy discussions and reasons why. Also I think it's important to realise that most people go through break ups and come out absolutely fine. |
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:21:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2016 15:23:16 GMT
call a locksmith....forget the key she can mail the other stuff if he keeps pressing she may just have to do it over the phone he knows it's coming gina  |
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Post by flanz on Aug 8, 2016 17:29:07 GMT
Why ... she loves that idea! She's going to try to figure out who is there so he doesn't have the key. That works. Changing the lock would require the involvement of apartment management company and their charges. She lives in an apartment building there. I'm getting a creeper vibe about him too and wouldn't trust that he hadn't duplicated the key, or wouldn't, before giving one to your dd's friend. I would totally get the locks changed! |
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Post by gmcwife1 on Aug 8, 2016 17:54:49 GMT
IMHO, it's worth the trouble to change the locks. Even if a friend gets her key back from him, there's no guarantee that he won't have made an extra copy. I also think a phone call is the best bet under these circumstances. I can't imagine stringing him along any longer. I agree, keys are easy to duplicate, even if they say 'do not duplicate' on them. I would change the locks even if she does have to involve the apartment management. |
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Post by femalebusiness on Aug 8, 2016 18:31:07 GMT
Get the key first.
Change the lock second (even if she gets the key back).
Break up with him third...in that order.
Be safe.
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Post by Lexica on Aug 8, 2016 18:48:30 GMT
There is absolutely no way I would want my daughter returning to her apartment while this young man has a key, or possible duplicate key, to her home. I would want to make sure the locks were rekeyed or replaced, and let this be a lesson to her about giving out a key to a boyfriend. To me, that is a never, never do, unless you are in a relationship you see as permanent. I'm sure she has other friends there that she could give a key to that wouldn't mind sending her things if she forgot them. Or just do without them. I have a feeling she has already decided that for herself now.
When she goes back to school, I would advise her to stay around friends as much as possible for a while, just in case the young man wants to approach her. Those gorgeous body friends would be good for this if any of them are in the same area as her school. This may seem like overkill, and I would hope it was, but I've also seen too many shows where the jilted boyfriend has that "if I can't have you, no one can" attitude. And this young man is exhibiting a few symptoms - behaving needy, talking about a future where she is involved without any positive input from her that she wants to be in his future.
Suggest to her that she call her landlord and request the locks be rekeyed or changed and explain that she has given the key to a young man that she will be breaking up with. That might be a bit embarrassing for her, but I'm sure the landlord has heard this before, and it is a good idea that he/she is aware of this in case the young man tries to talk his way in through management. No need to make it a big deal, but they should be aware just in case. It is worth whatever the fee to know that no one has access to her when she is home.
Then, since the young man is pushing the issue, I guess she will need to have the conversation on the phone, but not until her apartment locks have been changed. In many ways, that will really be better for her. Sometimes, the one being jilted can act in ways that are not to her benefit. She can mail his things back to him once she gets back to her apartment. If he takes it like a man and accepts the breakup with dignity, then great. I think all women need to hope for that, but should alway, always take the necessary precautions in case the man takes it badly. That isn't being paranoid, it is being smart.
I think her attitude now toward dating is probably for the best. She sounds like she has a lot of options and should be free to explore all of them as she sees fit, without having to take someone else's wants or needs into consideration. There is plenty of time for that once she stops dancing and maybe has finished with school. She's only 19 and has already learned some very valuable life lessons. Bravo to her for that. It sounds like you have raised a very smart, independent daughter.
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Post by MalleyCat on Aug 8, 2016 19:11:46 GMT
I agree with everyone on getting her house lock re-keyed. It should be cheaper than getting new locks. Even if he did return key, you don't know if he made an extra key for himself to use later.
In this situation, it might be best for her to break up with him over the phone. He already has a feeling that she wants to break up with him and 2 weeks is a long time to wait and tell him. Plus, it might alleviate some of the stress your daughter is feeling.
I also watch Dateline and 48hrs a lot. I have heard many people suggest that you not go alone when breaking up or meeting up with an ex.
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