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Post by tiggerpooh2380 on Aug 5, 2014 20:03:07 GMT
I was the youngest of 4 until I was 18 years old, when my mom had another daughter. My middle sister got married almost 3 years ago and she chose my older sister as her Matron of Honor, claims they decided when they were kids (I am only 2 years younger then she is, so there wasn't a big age gap). I was hurt, I told her that I was surprised she could easily pick between siblings like that. She had a friend in the wedding and if it was me, I would have picked them and had all the siblings equal, (younger sister now 16 was also bridesmaid like me).
My oldest sister didn't do much for the wedding, I made all the favors for the shower and the wedding, and helped out.
Fast forward to last year, my sister is having a baby, has a shower, I make all favors again, I feel like I am really there every step of the way for her. She is now having the baby baptized, I am also making favors for this.. And she picks my oldest sister to be the babies Godmother. Regretfully, I lost it on her, and I told her that I cant believe she picked her over me again! I am sure it wasn't the nicest thing for me to do, and I own that, and told her that. Neither me or my older sister go to church of any kind, while my younger sister is highly involved in church, and I told my sister that had she picked her because of that, I could understand it. But with her picking my oldest, it really just seems like she likes her more.
Now that I am writing it out, it does sound selfish to be mad/hurt, but I cant help it!
I guess I will go back to making the 60 favors for the baptism and try to keep my mouth shut!!
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 5, 2014 20:05:27 GMT
Not knowing your family history, it does seem like you may be overreacting.
I am sorry you feel hurt.
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smartypants71
Drama Llama
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Jun 25, 2014 22:47:49 GMT
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Post by smartypants71 on Aug 5, 2014 20:08:57 GMT
While you probably shouldn't have gone off on your sister (which you already admitted that you shouldn't have), I can still understand why your feelings would be hurt.
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NoWomanNoCry
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Posts: 5,856
Jun 25, 2014 21:53:42 GMT
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Aug 5, 2014 20:10:15 GMT
I don't think it's selfish and I understand being hurt because I was in same boat as you few years back but doing things for your sister don't automatically make you a shoe in for things. I think if you want to help out great! I wouldn't expect anything back like being picked for a title for something. She seems to have a special connection with the other sister so I'm sure that's why she is picked. You seem to do a lot of your sisters and if your feeling your being taking advantage of maybe pull back a bit and do for others in your life that may appreciate it more.
Good luck!
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 5, 2014 20:10:26 GMT
I think relationships in families are very tricky. Perhaps the older sisters feel like they have a stronger (or just different) relationship. That doesn't mean she loves you less, even though it probably feels like it.
I think it is okay to feel sorry for yourself a bit and then brush it off and be the kind of aunt that your other siblings would want for a Godparent.
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Post by Dictionary on Aug 5, 2014 20:10:58 GMT
I get where you are coming from and you are hurt that your sister doesn't value your relationship as much as you do. For whatever her reasons she seems to be more attached to your older sister and if that's what she wants then really it shouldn't be a huge deal and personally if you don't want to do the favors than don't. Whenever I volunteer to help I expect 0 in return because it makes me feel good and that's all I want. When you start doing things for others and expect a return then that's when you get hurt because often we don't get what we expected or wanted.
It's hard but you just have to accept your sister's reasons whatever they may be. Sorry {HUGS}
BTW - When my oldest brother got married he asked my other brother to be his best man. His then wife had her sister be her Maid of Honor. Then she had her brother be a groomsman so I thought I would be asked to be the bridesmaid..nope they picked my cousin who was much younger..Yes my feelings were hurt but I figured if he didn't want me in his wedding than that's his business and their loss.
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Post by Basket1lady on Aug 5, 2014 20:11:45 GMT
It sounds like your older sisters just clicked. Probably because at the time they were developing their relationship, you were still to young to properly play with them. And some personalities mesh together better than others. I get why you are hurt. But your sister had to pick someone-she couldn't pick all of you. Your relationship with the baby will be all your own. I would encourage you to become the favorite Auntie, but that would be competitive and wrong. So I'll just say to enjoy the new baby.
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IPeaFreely
Full Member
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Jun 26, 2014 8:32:27 GMT
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Post by IPeaFreely on Aug 5, 2014 20:13:10 GMT
You are keeping score too much. YOU made favors, YOU did this, YOU did that. Forget it. If it makes you feel better, stop doing things like that. Quit trying to win the Good Sister Popularity Contest. You just can't do it.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 18:26:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2014 20:14:12 GMT
I think you're entitled to your feelings. But I also think your sister is entitled to choose whomever she wants to be her child's godmother. If she's planning on having more children, maybe she's going to ask you in the future.
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duopenotti
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Location: The Netherlands..the real Orange Country
Jun 30, 2014 15:02:10 GMT
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Post by duopenotti on Aug 5, 2014 20:15:07 GMT
Sibling rivalry, touchy stuff!
I can imagine as the older sister, I would be hurt if my sister didn't ask me for this position. Maybe your middle sister didn't want to hurt your oldest sister..
All the things you did for the wedding and baby shower, did your middle sister ask for your help? I think it's a very nice thing of you to do that!!
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 5, 2014 20:17:07 GMT
(((hugs)))
You've already owned that you shouldn't have gone off on her like that, and for that I give you kudos.
Sometimes relationship aren't fair, and the reality of it is that they don't have to be. There is nothing you can do to "make up" for it.
And I do understand. My mom has a closer relationship with my youngest brother, and always has. They have a bond that I never did with her, even though he has always been a slacker and an angry and spiteful person at times, where as I have always tried to do the right thing in school and in helping the family. And yet no matter what things I do, it will never gain me favor the same way my brother is favored.
Your relationship with your sister won't be the same that she has with other sister, but it doesn't make it any less good. Just different.
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
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Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Aug 5, 2014 20:18:14 GMT
I'm sorry you have hurt feelings. I come from a family of five also and some of us are just naturally closer than others. I think it happens in lots of bigger families and you just have to accept it. did your sister ask you to make make all the favors for all those events or did you just offer? If you offered, I'd quit offering.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Aug 5, 2014 20:40:28 GMT
No matter what her reasoning was, I'm sorry your feelings were hurt. I can understand feeling slighted. I'm not sure I would have ever said anything, but I can certainly understand your feelings.
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Post by elaine on Aug 5, 2014 21:03:41 GMT
I'm sorry your feelings are hurt!
Making favors is something completely separate, IMO. You can't earn being a Maid of Honor or a G-dmoher by making party favors - it is about aspects of relationships that go beyond crafting. I think it is really nice that you have done all that you have for your sister - a sincere thank you is all that she owes you for that.
(((Hugs))) I hope that you feel better soon - don't let it get in the way of your relationship with the baby.
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momto4kiddos
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Aug 5, 2014 21:08:14 GMT
I'm sorry you have hurt feelings. I come from a family of five also and some of us are just naturally closer than others. I think it happens in lots of bigger families and you just have to accept it. did your sister ask you to make make all the favors for all those events or did you just offer? If you offered, I'd quit offering. I think Kathy is right, in bigger families it just seems that some naturally gravitate towards others. I have 4 kids, ages 15-24 (2 boys, 2 girls, all living at home.) The dynamics are really interesting now that they are older and aren't always what i'd think they might be. I wish I had some great advice, but I don't. I am sorry that your feelings keep getting hurt though.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 18:26:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2014 21:13:36 GMT
That's tough. I don't have any siblings so if my advice doesn't resonate feel free to ignore it. I think part of the problem is your expectations. You feel if you do A then B will happen. I understand that pretty well. I would make sure that your motivation for doing the invites or anything else in the future is just out of love with no expectation of what another person will do. I know that's hard sometimes. But when we do things will expectations we will naturally feel a bit resentful when things don't happen the way we had planned.
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Post by polz on Aug 5, 2014 21:18:56 GMT
I'm the eldest of six. Two of my siblings look like twins and get on like a house on fire. They just click. Sibling rivalry is a touchy subject. Sounds like your two sisters just like each other better (probably not the right word) and naturally gravitate towards each other. You could make a million favours and nothing will change. My two siblings bought matching shirts and one of my sisters was just so mad. I didn't care at all.
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anniebygaslight
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Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Aug 5, 2014 21:21:33 GMT
It is a shame that your feelings have been hurt, but your sister's choice of maid of honour/godparent for her child are exactly that - her choice. It is kind of you to have made the favours, something that loving sisters do for each other, but this should be done without the expectation of a reward.
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Post by christine58 on Aug 5, 2014 21:26:51 GMT
Selfish.....not sure that's the word. I am sure you are disappointed but as others have said..this is your sister's decision. You are still this new baby's aunt and aunts ROCK
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cycworker
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Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Aug 5, 2014 21:45:50 GMT
I totally understand your disappointment. I know that I was initially hurt to not be a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding. You've been given a lot of good advice. Focus on just being a good auntie and the little one will know that. I have noticed at times that I've struggled with my sister in law (not the same, I realize) because I've always wanted a sister, and she already has one. So it's the picture of her, her sister and the baby that makes FB, not the one of me. But you can't let yourself focus on that stuff too much or it'll poison your relationship.
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Post by annabella on Aug 5, 2014 21:59:38 GMT
You were a bridesmaid, there was no crime committed. Now if she only had one sister as a bridesmaid and you were not, then yes you would have every right to be upset. Clearly you're the crafty one who has time to do all the decor, but that doesn't make her value you more than the other sister.
What did she say to you when you lost it on her?
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Post by manda on Aug 5, 2014 22:07:57 GMT
I'm sorry you are hurting.
I have to admit that I never understand these types of threads so never know what quite to say.
I have 4 sisters; 3 of whom are married. All of them have had all the sisters EXCEPT for me in the bridal party. It hasn't bothered me one iota (actually, I've been relieved, heh). All of us have different relationships with each other and it's their special day, not mine. I also will do anything asked of me to help my siblings, but my relationship is admittedly not the same or as close as they have with each other. I respect that.
I'm guessing none of them have me as a potential guardian for their children should anything happen to them and their spouses either. Still doesn't bother me. I love my nieces and nephews, but there are other family members much closer to my siblings and their children that would make more sense to step into that role than choosing me.
It's okay for you to hurt, but I don't know that it's fair to yell at your sister for selecting another sister for these things. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you.
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themamasita
Junior Member
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Jun 26, 2014 19:14:40 GMT
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Post by themamasita on Aug 5, 2014 23:40:19 GMT
What did she say when you called her out on it? I would be alittle upset.
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Post by Aheartfeltcard on Aug 5, 2014 23:50:12 GMT
I never do anything for someone with the expectation of a return. If I feel resentful toward another person because I feel my kindness is not being reciprocated or appreciated I stop doing those things.
I understand your feelings and I sense your disappointment in the fact that you mentioned it to your sister.
My advice is to do something nice when you want with no expectation. Don't feel obligated because she is your sister. She is not obligated to you.
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Post by dulcemama on Aug 5, 2014 23:58:30 GMT
I'm sorry you are hurting. I have to admit that I never understand these types of threads so never know what quite to say. I have 4 sisters; 3 of whom are married. All of them have had all the sisters EXCEPT for me in the bridal party. It hasn't bothered me one iota (actually, I've been relieved, heh). All of us have different relationships with each other and it's their special day, not mine. I also will do anything asked of me to help my siblings, but my relationship is admittedly not the same or as close as they have with each other. I respect that. I'm guessing none of them have me as a potential guardian for their children should anything happen to them and their spouses either. Still doesn't bother me. I love my nieces and nephews, but there are other family members much closer to my siblings and their children that would make more sense to step into that role than choosing me. It's okay for you to hurt, but I don't know that it's fair to yell at your sister for selecting another sister for these things. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you. I agree with all of this. I am one of 6 and we all have different relationships with each other. I have been in only one of their weddings and am not Godmother to any of their children. I love them all but we are different types of people.
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mallie
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Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Aug 6, 2014 0:51:30 GMT
I'm sorry your feelings are hurt! Making favors is something completely separate, IMO. You can't earn being a Maid of Honor or a G-dmoher by making party favors - it is about aspects of relationships that go beyond crafting. I think it is really nice that you have done all that you have for your sister - a sincere thank you is all that she owes you for that. (((Hugs))) I hope that you feel better soon - don't let it get in the way of your relationship with the baby. I think Elaine hit the nail on the head. The level of intimacy of a relationship is not governed by how much one person does for another in the sense that you cannot earn closeness by doing things for the other person. That's obligation, not intimacy and usually who a woman picks as their honor attendant or godparent reflects intimacy. If you feel that you are owed status/positions in a relationship due to doing things for your sister and she then demonstrates that she doesn't not feel as close to you as you feel to her, then maybe it's time to stop doing those things. If you're not spending time/energy on doing things for her, then maybe you won't feel as hurt when you see evidence that someone who does less is given more status. I'm not saying you won't feel hurt to see that, but maybe not AS hurt. My dh was really hurt when his brother did not ask him to be best man (or even in the wedding party). It caused him to take a long look at his relationship with his brother and he realized that he put a lot more effort into the relationship and wanted more of a relationship than his brother did. He realized that his brother was really much closer to some guys from work. His relationship with his brother was different than with those guys and different, in his mind, was not "just as good". Different was way down on the scale of priority in his brother's life. So that hurt some more. But as they say, the truth shall set you free and once he got over the hurt, he stopped investing time and energy that wasn't reciprocated. As he did that, his emotional investment decreased and therefore his hurt decreased. Then he had more interest/energy in finding other people to be friends with who valued him and made him a priority. I'm really sorry you are hurting.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 18:26:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 6, 2014 0:59:00 GMT
You are keeping score too much. YOU made favors, YOU did this, YOU did that. Forget it. If it makes you feel better, stop doing things like that. Quit trying to win the Good Sister Popularity Contest. You just can't do it. Don't do things like make favors if you're looking for something in return. I understand that your feelings are hurt if other sisters are closer, or you are excluded often, but work on repairing your relationships instead of doing things because you feel like they'll owe you. All you can do is your best to make the relationship work. Sadly, sometimes people (even family) just don't put the same amount of value on relationships that you or I might.
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Post by tiggerpooh2380 on Aug 6, 2014 1:50:04 GMT
All of this is super good advice, and as time goes on, I realize its a decision that is hers and hers alone to make, no matter who does what. Its not about keeping score, and I get that.
I didn't really actually yell at her, I just expressed my feelings of being hurt, and while being honest is good, I still don't think its fair to her. The only thing she said was that my sister told her " I had a feeling you would ask me" so that if she didn't she would have been hurt. Not sure how that plays out in the scenario, but that's what she said. She also said maybe I will have another baby and then I can pick you.
I do love being able to be crafty and do things I like to help out, and I am sure I will keep doing just that, without keeping score.
Thanks again everyone!
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Post by sues on Aug 6, 2014 2:19:35 GMT
I absolutely get where you're coming from. On one hand you realize it's their choice, blah blah blah - but on the other hand, it still hurts. I am not Godmother to any of my nieces of nephews. There was one time when it seemed like I was the likely choice- and I was excited about it. Then my SIL got pissy about some imagined slight, decided to punish me and skipped over me, to ask my younger sister. My sister felt horrible. My mother was upset. I was upset. It was such a slap in the face- and there it was, out there for everyone in both families to see. They just kept saying "It's our choice." (To family members that asked. I never did.) While that was true- what they did was extremely hurtful...and it was intended to be so.
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