Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:49:33 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2016 3:05:00 GMT
A good friend died this week. A relationship that was deeper than just a friend. It was someone who I really looked up to as a mom figure. I don't have any parents, siblings, aunts, etc. so she really was a person that I felt like I could go to when I need mothering (we all sometimes need that, right?) We had lunch on Thursday to celebrate her birthday (which ironically was the same day as my mom's birthday) and then she died on Saturday completely unexpectedly.
Add to that, I have a longstanding problem with visitations and funerals. I just do. I can't handle them. I famously ran out of a funeral for an elderly nun in complete hysterics. I didn't even know her - she was my boss's sister and our office went as a show of support for him. For heaven's sake, the woman was 95 and a nun and I still couldn't deal with it. Neither of my parents had funerals as that was their wish.
And to complicate matters just a little bit more, I'm expecting some less than stellar medical news for myself tomorrow a few hours before the visitation.
I need to be able to go and at least hold myself together a little bit because all of my friends and neighbors will be there. My husband is taking the day off to go to my doctor's appointment and also the visitation and he'll be there to whisk me out if need be, but I have to at least try to keep it together.
So hit me with your best tips at making it through a really, really hard event because I don't want my friends attention to be on me because I simply can't deal.
ETA: I do have an old Rx for Xanax and I'm thinking tomorrow might be the perfect day to use it. Liberally. And perhaps with alcohol.
|
|
smcast
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,509 
Location: MN
|
Post by smcast on Aug 25, 2016 3:07:49 GMT
Find a mantra to repeat to yourself in your head for courage.
I usually like to visit with people and keep it light. If I start to think about the sadness while waiting in line, that makes it worse. I try not to cry because I will be afraid I won't stop. I've read at funerals, including one of my grandfather's, during the mass and that was very hard not to break down.
|
|
carole3k
Junior Member
Posts: 59
|
Post by carole3k on Aug 25, 2016 3:08:55 GMT
It is better emotionally and physically to just let it naturally go. Holding it in only makes it worse. If you really need to hold more together someone told me to squeeze my butt cheeks together. I know sounds weird , but it works. My dear sweet FIL just passed and believe it or not, the squeeze worked.
I am am so sorry for your loss. Death is horrible. Hugs to you.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:49:33 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2016 3:11:22 GMT
I try not to cry because I will be afraid I won't stop. That's what I'm afraid of. If you really need to hold more together someone told me to squeeze my butt cheeks together. I know sounds weird , but it works. That made me laugh. And for that reason alone, I'm going to try it. |
|
|
|
Post by padresfan619 on Aug 25, 2016 3:12:51 GMT
It is a funeral. You won't be judged for crying. Don't sob with painful, loud wails, of course. No one is going to look at you and think "Jeez why is she so upset?" This is one of the only times we can be emotional and free of judgment. Allow yourself to cry and to feel what you want to feel.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:49:33 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2016 3:14:50 GMT
My advice was going to be Xanax. Seriously.
But don't mix it with alcohol.
|
|
|
|
Post by NanaKate on Aug 25, 2016 3:17:30 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss.
|
|
kate
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,667
Location: The city that doesn't sleep
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
|
Post by kate on Aug 25, 2016 3:22:44 GMT
I'm so very sorry for your loss.
My strategy, as someone who has been to hundreds of funerals (some of them truly devastating) as part of my job, is to step back and remind myself that I need to be strong for their family. The best thing I can do for them is be their rock - my dissolving into grief is not going to help them. Sometimes, I just have to "detach" for a minute - step away from my feelings for a few deep breaths before diving back into the moment.
At my grandmother's funeral, I summoned all my professional strength to be there for my mom. When we were at the cemetary, my godmother (other side of the family) gave me a hug, and I lost it in big, ugly, sobs. At that moment, she was there for me, as I was there for my mom.
My uncle, who suffered the loss of his wife and two of his three children, got through his grief by holding others up. It was a conscious decision on his part - what an amazing man.
I hope your medical news is better than you expect. Again, I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend.
|
|
|
|
Post by sues on Aug 25, 2016 3:27:00 GMT
I find something to focus on, and I let my mind wander a little bit- to anything but the person or the family of the person I've lost. I also take off my glasses. I can't see anything but colors and shapes without my glasses. As soon as I can sit down somewhere, they go on top of my head. For some reason, it helps. ETA- I'm so sorry for your loss. And I'm sorry in advance for the medical news you are bracing yourself for. It's going to be a tough day.  |
|
|
|
Post by triplejscrapper on Aug 25, 2016 3:28:13 GMT
My mom passed unexpectedly last year. I gave the eulogy. My brother "preached" (is that the right term?) her service. Myself, along with two other women from our tribe sang a song that one of the women had written that mom really loved. It was VERY hard not to break down during those two moments when all eyes where on me. With the eulogy I tried to make it very personal for her descendants. I included their nicknames as well as the "pet" names that were given to us by her late husband. During the eulogy whenever I mentioned a name, I looked at that person and smiled. After we finished the song, which we did acapella, I turned from the podium, walked to the casket, kissed my mama on her forehead for the last time and then walked to the pew where my youngest brother was waiting for me. I buried my face in his shirt and cried.
I did take a Xanax before the service. I think it helped a great deal. I would not drink anything on top of the Xanax. I like the idea that a PP mentioned about a mantra. I just kept thinking throughout the whole service...make her proud...make her proud.
I'm very sorry for your loss and I hope your medical news turns out better than you are expecting.
|
|
GiantsFan
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,704
Site Supporter
Jun 27, 2014 14:44:56 GMT
|
Post by GiantsFan on Aug 25, 2016 3:29:08 GMT
Sorry for you loss. I cry at everything. So I try to get a song stuck in my head, then think the lyrics over and over. For whatever reason these some songs stick easily in my head - Convoy by CW McCall, The Night Chicago Died by Paperlace, Gyspies, Tramps and Thieves by Cher.
ETA: Just don't start singing out loud!
|
|
|
|
Post by bothmykidsrbrats on Aug 25, 2016 3:31:24 GMT
I'm so sorry for your loss. Xanax would be my suggestion too. Sending good thoughts to you that your medical news is better than you are expecting, and hugs as you say good bye to your precious friend.
|
|
NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
|
Post by NoWomanNoCry on Aug 25, 2016 3:34:10 GMT
I have no advice because I'm exactly like you. I just don't do funerals. Just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss and wishing you much courage for the funeral.
|
|
ellen
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,128
|
Post by ellen on Aug 25, 2016 3:36:47 GMT
Before my mom's funeral I got a prescription for I forget what it was just in case. Turned out I didn't need it that day, but I sure did in the weeks that followed.
Funerals stir up so much emotion for some people. Sorry about your friend and I hope your appointment goes better than you think it will.
|
|
|
|
Post by AussieMeg on Aug 25, 2016 3:40:30 GMT
I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.  I find something to focus on, and I let my mind wander a little bit- to anything but the person or the family of the person I've lost. I also take off my glasses. I can't see anything but colors and shapes without my glasses. As soon as I can sit down somewhere, they go on top of my head. For some reason, it helps. This is what I have done as well. At one particularly difficult funeral I actually tuned out what was being said and played the alphabet game - I (surreptitiously) looked around the room and tried to find an item beginnning with each letter of the alphabet. I know that sounds stupid and to be honest, I kind of wish I didn't do it. It feels disrespectful. And anyway, what's wrong with crying at a darn funeral? |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:49:33 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2016 3:42:19 GMT
Thank you everyone. My loss of my friend is not nearly as great as her loss to her family and other long term friends. I know that. But for ME, she held a very special place that I don't have anyone else to fill. My other friends fill other roles, but it was easy to adopt her as a mom because she didn't have her own children. She was the kind of friend that you would want to take you for a colonoscopy because she would hold your hand and comfort you, but also tell fart jokes the entire time.
I suppose that the bright side of it is that I know it will draw our group of friends together closer and make us cherish each time we are together. We have all said how glad we are that we took so many photos that day.
|
|
|
|
Post by anonrefugee on Aug 25, 2016 3:44:03 GMT
I am sorry! As long as you don't fling yourself across the coffin I say feel what you feel. Don't numb it.
ETA I was typing as you posted. How wonderful you have those photos. Will making copies for her family help?
|
|
|
|
Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 25, 2016 3:46:36 GMT
Hugs, I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. I have a few friends like that too and I'm sure I'll be just as devastated to lose them as I was to lose my own mom.
I've read that if you clear your throat, the physical action of that can stop your tears. It's worth a shot. And I hope the medical news you're expecting isn't bad.
|
|
|
|
Post by mom on Aug 25, 2016 3:46:50 GMT
Im sorry. I dont have any advice other than to take a pill (but avoid the alcohol).
Hope your news tomorrow isn't as bad as you fear.
|
|
PLurker
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,890
Location: Behind the Cheddar Curtain
Jun 28, 2014 3:48:49 GMT
|
Post by PLurker on Aug 25, 2016 3:55:10 GMT
I've gotten nothing to add besides(hugs) and to go with the butt cheeks. Made me laugh, too. Maybe it'll work a bit just because of that. A little humor goes a long way with me. I, too, don't do funerals well. I don't get hysterical but they make me overly uncomfortable. I think I may be getting a bit better with age and/or experience.
|
|
|
|
Post by Zee on Aug 25, 2016 4:11:53 GMT
It's OK to cry, it's a funeral. Bring tissues and as long as you're not sobbing outright, I don't think anyone will pay any particular attention. I always cry when they show those photo slides, or God forbid they play Taps...OMG I just can't take that one. Waterworks every time. i'm sorry for your loss. |
|
|
|
Post by cmpeter on Aug 25, 2016 4:19:49 GMT
I am so sorry, she sounds like a very special person.
I am have found I need to focus on things other than my memories of the person when the loss is that fresh and I need to hold it together. I like the alphabet game suggestion. Your friend sounds like she would get a kick out of you clenching your butt cheeks together looking for something that starts with the letter "Q".
|
|
|
|
Post by anonrefugee on Aug 25, 2016 4:20:57 GMT
OMG I can't handle Taps on a good day!
|
|
|
|
Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 25, 2016 4:27:37 GMT
OMG I can't handle Taps on a good day! Me either. Amazing Grace does it too. And now I also tear up every time I hear "You Are My Sunshine" after it was played at a former neighbor's memorial service. She was the love of her DH's life and losing her (on a Christmas morning, no less) just wrecked him. |
|
mimima
Drama Llama
Stay Gold, Ponyboy
Posts: 5,213
|
Post by mimima on Aug 25, 2016 4:35:12 GMT
I'm so sorry. May her Memory be Eternal
|
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on Aug 25, 2016 4:38:49 GMT
I'm so sorry about the unexpected death of this woman who means so much to you. I'm so glad you were able to spend time together.
Once you go through the line, can you step outside for a few minutes to regroup? We had a friend die several months after Fred. A few times I did step out. Disengaging every so often helped me.
Mentally disengage during the service from time to time. Listen for things that she would roll her eyes at or you would laugh at inappropriately together. Chances are, somebody she was probably not very fond of will say something heartfelt. Tuck it in your memory bank as a sort of private joke between you and her.
|
|
|
|
Post by 950nancy on Aug 25, 2016 4:51:08 GMT
I have a physical reaction to funerals ever since I almost passed out at my mom's. I cannot be near anyone crying. Not an easy feat to pull off.
Hugs on your loss and good luck tomorrow.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:49:33 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2016 4:58:05 GMT
OMG I can't handle Taps on a good day! Me either. Amazing Grace does it too. And now I also tear up every time I hear "You Are My Sunshine" after it was played at a former neighbor's memorial service. She was the love of her DH's life and losing her (on a Christmas morning, no less) just wrecked him. OMG, you want to hear the worst? One of our group of friends lost his wife last year after a long battle to cancer. While I was in the receiving line, he told me that after everyone left that night he was going to stay and sing their wedding song to her before they closed the casket. Thank you again for all the suggestions. I'm going to read them again tomorrow on my way to the service. I don't mind tears. I just can't fall apart and do the ugly, can't catch my breath crying. |
|
|
|
Post by ametallichick on Aug 25, 2016 5:55:25 GMT
I cry at everything too so I have no advice for you. I think the peas before me have given you great advice. No sarcasm or funny-ness here but I'd take the Xanax with no alcohol and squeeze your butt cheeks. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend and please let us know about the medical news if you're so inclined. I hope it's good news!
|
|
|
|
Post by Delta Dawn on Aug 25, 2016 6:05:36 GMT
I am crying reading this thread. I am so sorry for your loss burningfeather. BFF is watching me and is like WTF I am so sad reading about losing your dear sweet friend. I cry at everything. I am sure I piss people off with all the tears. Some people are just more more outwardly emotional and cry I guess. I would be one of them. |
|
