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Post by leftturnonly on Aug 25, 2016 6:16:53 GMT
Damn, BF. I'm so sorry. Too many this year. I haven't been able to process them all myself yet.
I know you feel like you need to go... because it's something you "should" do. What's the least that you feel you need to do to fulfill that obligation? Could a 5 minute showing at the funeral standing at the back where the dh could bring whatever family you should see work? Or maybe even meet them just outside?
There was a man who (wrongly) felt indirectly responsible for my dh's death. He couldn't even enter the funeral home, so people came and got me and I went out to him.
Maybe just making an appearance will be enough and won't create quite as much anxiety for you.
Good luck at the Dr's office. I hope the news isn't bad. {{{{{Big Hugs}}}}
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Post by leftturnonly on Aug 25, 2016 6:21:42 GMT
I try not to cry because I will be afraid I won't stop. That's what I'm afraid of. If you really need to hold more together someone told me to squeeze my butt cheeks together. I know sounds weird , but it works. That made me laugh. And for that reason alone, I'm going to try it. If you cry, you cry. If you laugh, you laugh. Have that guy of yours on duty to whisk you away if you lose control. The funeral I cried the most at was for a friend I didn't even know all that well.  |
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tincin
Drama Llama
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Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Aug 25, 2016 9:23:22 GMT
I'm sorry for your loss. I have no advice because I seldom cry in public. I'm certain I appear cold as ice to many people but I do my grieving in private. I'm pretty sure it has more to do with not being allowed to display emotions as a child than with my self control.
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tuesdaysgone
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by tuesdaysgone on Aug 25, 2016 10:04:31 GMT
I'm so sorry for your loss. I get physically sick when I think about going to a service for someone very dear to me. I'd be taking that Xanax for sure. Like several others here, I have to mentally compartmentalize during a highly emotional event like this.
When I attended my best friend's service, I sat there the entire time and thought about the many fun trips we took together.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Aug 25, 2016 10:51:54 GMT
If you really need to hold more together someone told me to squeeze my butt cheeks together. So I try to get a song stuck in my head, then think the lyrics over and over. For whatever reason these some songs stick easily in my head - Convoy by CW McCall, The Night Chicago Died by Paperlace, Gyspies, Tramps and Thieves by Cher. At one particularly difficult funeral I actually tuned out what was being said and played the alphabet game - I (surreptitiously) looked around the room and tried to find an item beginnning with each letter of the alphabet. I may never cry at a funeral again. All these suggestions will be running through my head and totally distracting me. I'm sorry for the loss of someone so important to you and for the anticipated bad news. It's just going to be one of those no-good-very-bad-days. I hope the following days get brighter. |
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Post by llinin on Aug 25, 2016 11:02:16 GMT
This will sound silly, but I just keep repeating "it is not about me" to myself. I don't exactly compartmentalize or detach, but I just completely focus on those around me. It sucks, no doubt, but I just don't allow myself to focus on how I feel in the moment. Everybody in the room is trying their best to hold it together, so if you breakdown they'll be understanding.
Hope your medical news isn't too overwhelming for you.
Sorry for your loss.
Laura
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Post by hop2 on Aug 25, 2016 11:03:20 GMT
I'm sorry for your loss
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Post by lisae on Aug 25, 2016 11:26:24 GMT
I'm very, very sorry for your loss. I had a friend like that. It's been 10 years and I still tear up sometimes when I think about her.
I don't really have any advice other than to skip the alcohol.
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brandy327
Drama Llama
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Post by brandy327 on Aug 25, 2016 11:30:35 GMT
Oh BF, I'm so sorry for your loss and the hole she will leave in your life.  I don't have any suggestions other than what has already been suggested but I pray that you can manage today. I also pray that the medical news you get today isn't as bad as you fear. You will definitely be in my thoughts today. Hugs, my friend!  |
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Post by GamGam on Aug 25, 2016 11:37:12 GMT
My advice was going to be Xanax. Seriously. But don't mix it with alcohol. Good advice. When I need something to help me disengage a bit, I will pick a word I am seeing printed on the service sheet or a spoken word and try to spell it backwards. This helps me refocus. |
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 19:49:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2016 11:37:47 GMT
It's OK to cry, it's a funeral. Bring tissues and as long as you're not sobbing outright, I don't think anyone will pay any particular attention. I always cry when they show those photo slides, or God forbid they play Taps...OMG I just can't take that one. Waterworks every time. i'm sorry for your loss. I agree. I always cry at weddings and funerals. Who cares. That's what people do anyway. It's good for your soul to feel your feelings. Just don't gulp and sob. I'm very sorry for your loss, and I hope your news this week is better than you expect. |
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Post by grate on Aug 25, 2016 11:45:20 GMT
So sorry you lost your dear friend. I just don't engage. I breathe deep, have mints/tissues and water. Never thought I'd get through my brothers but I did somehow. I just can't talk to people. I am polite, but keep to myself. For people I don't know well, I go stay briefly. Even thinking about it I am getting anxious. Sending you hugs and positive thoughts for your medical news
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Post by leannec on Aug 25, 2016 11:52:55 GMT
You've been given some great advice so I'll just say that I'm sorry for your loss |
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maurchclt
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by maurchclt on Aug 25, 2016 12:37:15 GMT
Hugs, so sorry for your loss, I hope your medical news is much better than you hope. Lean on you husband at the funeral, that's why he's there, for you.
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 25, 2016 12:42:41 GMT
Thank you everyone. My loss of my friend is not nearly as great as her loss to her family and other long term friends. I know that. But for ME, she held a very special place that I don't have anyone else to fill. My other friends fill other roles, but it was easy to adopt her as a mom because she didn't have her own children. She was the kind of friend that you would want to take you for a colonoscopy because she would hold your hand and comfort you, but also tell fart jokes the entire time. I suppose that the bright side of it is that I know it will draw our group of friends together closer and make us cherish each time we are together. We have all said how glad we are that we took so many photos that day. I am so sorry for your loss. You don't need to think it's less than someone else's loss. She was special to you and that matters.
Hugs, my friend.
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Post by pierkiss on Aug 25, 2016 12:45:24 GMT
I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't deal with death well either. As far as advice, I dunno. The last funeral I went to was for my grandmother and I was hysterical through most of it. The best advice I have is to try and get the screaming, gut wrenching, ugly crying out as much as you can before the wake/funeral. I tried my advice when my grandma died but it didn't really hit me until I was there, staring her in the face. Fortunately my entire family was also in hysterics, so I blended in. Also, my husband was sitting next to me, and during the actual sermon part of I felt a big sob coming on I squeezed his hand really hard until it passed. Please be careful with the Xanax and the alcohol. I had an aunt mix the two a few years ago and she almost died. Not sure if you were joking or not, and I'm not trying to be condescending, but please be careful. |
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schizo319
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Post by schizo319 on Aug 25, 2016 12:58:43 GMT
I'm so sorry for your loss. I was also going to suggest some pharmaceutical assistance too.
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scrappert
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Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Aug 25, 2016 13:02:51 GMT
Sorry for your loss and I hope your doctor's visit isn't as bad as you think.
I have no additional advice, but I think for my next funeral, I will have to try the butt cheek thing! LOL
I have been to funerals as support of others and not knowing who the person who passed is and I cry like a baby. I am a silent crier, tears just running down my face, but I am a hot mess. Just reading some of these stories has me crying.
Hugs to you. Will be thinking of you today.
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Mystie
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by Mystie on Aug 25, 2016 13:05:51 GMT
I'm so sorry for your loss, she sounds like a one-in-a-million friend. And I hope your medical news will be better than what you're expecting. I think you should try the Xanax, I bet it will help keep you calm, if a little sleepy. Deep breaths sometimes help, too.
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Post by blarneygirl on Aug 25, 2016 13:15:48 GMT
I am so deeply sorry for the loss of somone who has been so important to you. I think you have been given great advice to help get through the public part process. I'm not sure I have anything else helpful to offer. I will be thinking of you today, and I hope that the medical news you are going to hear today is better than you are anticipating.
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moodyblue
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Aug 25, 2016 13:44:37 GMT
I'm so sorry for the loss. She mattered to you, so this is an important loss.
And I hope your medical news is not as bad as you are anticipating.
I have trouble not crying at visitations and funerals. I will have to try the butt clenching trick. What I usually do is let myself be distracted or focus on something else when things are getting emotional. I will count - like looking at ceiling tiles or features in the room, counting them over and over.
I'm a sympathetic cryer - if someone else is crying, I'm probably going to cry too. If I think about their loss and pain, I will cry for them, or equate it to how I'd feel if it were me. During my grandmother's visitation and funeral I had to stay away from my mom, because I knew I'd cry if I were with her and thinking about HER loss. Fortunately, she totally knew that because she is the same way.
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Post by peace on Aug 25, 2016 14:21:33 GMT
Xanax and sunglasses. I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending strong juju to you.
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Post by scrappintoee on Aug 25, 2016 14:42:29 GMT
Aww....I'm so sorry !!! (( hugs )) You've gotten tons of great advice, and the butt cheek one made me laugh, too! I wouldn't have had any advice to give anyway; because I can't hold in my emotions at funerals. For me, crying is very cathartic and helpful with grieving, so try not to worry too much if you DO end up having the "ugly cry". People aren't there to judge you, plus---everyone else is so wound up in their own grief, they may not even notice. Hoping your medical news isn't as bad as you fear, also! What a rough day for you! |
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Trixie Bender
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Post by Trixie Bender on Aug 25, 2016 15:25:52 GMT
Good grief that's a lot of bad to handle all at one time. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend and for the medical news.
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Post by scrapmaven on Aug 25, 2016 15:26:05 GMT
You just lost a great friend and crying is normal and healthy. If you're afraid you won't be able to cry gently then take the xanax w/o any cocktails. I'm sure that waiting to hear scary news is going to exacerbate your anxiety. It sounds like you need some major pampering this weekend. Go really easy on yourself and if you're comfortable sharing, please let us support you through your doctor's appointment. I just lost one of my very best friends last month and I completely understand where you're coming from. May your dear friend's memory be for a blessing.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 19:49:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2016 15:42:39 GMT
Thanks everyone. I'm off to my doctor's appointment in a bit (I had an ultrasound and the tech immediately went to the doctor to see if she wanted to see me. The nurse came back and said that I have fibroids and "there may be something else going on there." My Pap results are also overdue and haven't been loaded into the patient portal. And then last night I got a weird call from our insurance company about having a personal nurse through our insurance company assigned to "patients with certain conditions." That might have been because I'm diabetic but the call was sort of vague and poorly fucking timed.)
I'm hoping for at least a good lunch date with my hubby.
P.S. I was kidding about mixing alcohol and Xanax. I'm a big fan of pharmaceuticals, but not so much alcohol. Hmmm, unless we go for Mexican - I do love a good margarita.
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River
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Jun 26, 2014 15:26:04 GMT
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Post by River on Aug 25, 2016 15:52:45 GMT
Just want to send you hugs as you go through this difficult day. You'll be on my mind!
(((HUGS)))
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Post by gritzi on Aug 25, 2016 15:56:49 GMT
I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. She sounded like someone who truly blessed your life. Unfortunately, I have no advice, because I don't handle death/funeral well at all.
Wishing you the best at your Dr appt tomorrow.
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Post by runner5 on Aug 25, 2016 16:05:00 GMT
BF - I am so sorry for your loss. Those kinds of people are treasures and for her death to be unexpected - I'm so sorry. I'm also sorry you are having to deal with medical issues at the same time. I hope everything's okay and that the news is better than you expect.
I was at a service where a prodigal teen performed a song he wrote. It touched me so deeply. He was a good friend of my kids and the words he sang meant so much to me - not just for him and his family but for me and for mine. It gave me hope but I also felt tears and emotion I never experienced start to surface. If I had let it out, someone would have called an ambulance and whisked me off to a psych ward. At least that's how strong it felt inside. They weren't just tears - it felt like a primal scream that wanted to come out.
Somehow I squelched it and made it home. I've avoided any kind of public gathering that would evoke those emotions since. I probably need therapy.
I don't know if it helps but what you wrote made me feel like maybe I'm not crazy. I don't mean to make this about me and I apologize.
I've become an expert at needing to be out of town at opportune times. Wouldn't an important doctor appointment be one of those times? Maybe not but it's just a thought.
PS - you may not remember me cause I changed my Pea name along the way, but I'm the pea who got you to knit the baby booties.
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Post by Lexica on Aug 25, 2016 16:50:17 GMT
I would definitely take the Xanax, but I would skip the alcohol. You don't want to be smelling like the town drunk at her funeral, and alcohol can cause problems when you are using Xanax. If you have enough to do so, I would suggest doing a trial run a few days before the funeral to see how many you are going to need to numb your emotions enough to make it through the funeral service without making you fall asleep. I slept through a good portion of an MRI on two Xanax.
I'm sorry for your loss.
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I don't have any suggestions other than what has already been suggested but I pray that you can manage today. I also pray that the medical news you get today isn't as bad as you fear. You will definitely be in my thoughts today. Hugs, my friend! 
