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Post by mcscrapper on Aug 28, 2016 18:44:01 GMT
Mostly a vent thread here...
My daughter left her regular travel soccer team for an "upgrade" to an ECNL (elite college national league) team that is based 90 minutes away from us. It is a lot more competitive but my dd can easily hang. She and two other girls from our area travel two days per week to practice and they play games 4-14 hours away.
My dd plays the same position as the coach's daughter. She already committed to her college team. My dd is trying to get committed by the end of the year but has gotten a lot less playing time and when she does get to play, the coach is playing her out of position. At this level, a parent really shouldn't be coaching his own child. I'm frustrated because we have #1 paid a boat load of money for her to train and play with this team and to travel for out of town games and #2 she isn't getting much playing time. She went to Florida this weekend with another family and she only got to play 40 minutes between two games. They drove 10 hours for these games and had to pay for hotels and food along the way, too.
She is texting me and she is clearly frustrated. She said the coach asked her yesterday how she thought she played. She said, "ineffective. I'm not used to playing outside left. Can you help me get better at it? I'm used to playing center mid or center striker." He said, "i'm playing you on the left." She tried out for a center position, too.
Am I wrong to want to speak to the coach about his expectations and her playing time? I was told at the beginning of the year before we committed to this team that the girls would get pretty equal playing time. There are only 16 players on the team so there should be more playing time. And his daughter and two others have already gotten their college commitments so am I wrong to expect the ones that haven't gotten offers to get more time? I don't want to be "that parent" but I just don't think we are really getting our money's worth so far.
Plus, we've lost all of our games so far and only scored 2 goals in those games. My dd scored one of those two!
Sorry for the vent....I'm just broke and frustrated with this whole process. We can't really go back to our other team after that coach said some really ugly and hateful things about her. I just don't know what to do for her!
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Post by 1girlygirl on Aug 28, 2016 22:06:15 GMT
Sorry for the frustration! I have a couple of questions. Did she tryout for any other position? What kind of input did the coach have in terms of who would be on the team? If it's in our control, I'd never let my kids play on teams with a coach who's kid also plays for them. It is rarely a good thing for anyone on the team.
I'm guessing it won't do much good to talk with the coach, and could possibly end up being worse for your daughter. Sometimes we don't understand why players are moved to different positions on the team; maybe there is a reason other than his daughter also playing the same position. My daughter has always played striker, left or center mid, and this year her new coach has moved her to defense. She struggle a bit at first, and was really resistant to the switch, but it helped having her coach explain to her that they really needed her speed and toughness in that position. She loves it now, and it has made her a better player overall, as she now has a much better field view and really sees how plays develop. He puts her up top during most games as well, but not until she had progressed in her new position.
I'd advise my child to speak to the coach again, maybe with more specific questions on how to improve at her new position, or maybe why he thinks she will be successful there instead of her usual position. It may help. She may just have to try to make the best of the situation.
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Post by littlemama on Aug 28, 2016 22:17:50 GMT
First, the girls who have already committed need to keep up their skills, and are paying the same amount as you are. Second, she should NEVER have joined an organization that allows parent coaches at that level. Your dd can try talking to the coach again, but you should not.
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Post by mom on Aug 29, 2016 1:32:39 GMT
I agree - your daughter could try and talk with the coach (not on a game day). You should stay out of it. Nothing good will come from you getting involved.
As far as the girls who are already committed - they have every right to play since they've paid to play.
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Post by ruralgirl on Aug 29, 2016 15:06:08 GMT
Sorry to hear about you and daughter's frustration. However, I agree with everyone else's opinion that you need to encourage your daughter to talk to the coach and you shouldn't get involved. My 3 kids have been involved in sports all their lives and that's always how it's been encouraged to handle issues. One thing I'm surprised about is that at the ECNL level the coach said the girls would get equal playing time. That has never been the case in any of the travel or high school teams my girls have played on and ECNL is probably more competitive. So many times I've seen girls never even got off the bench. There's always been no guarantee of playing time. It does sound like you could possibly be dealing with an unfair situation being that your daughter is vying for the same position and playing time against the coach's daughter. Maybe the best option is looking to another team where Coach and daughter aren't involved. Sports aren't always fair. Maybe your daughter will learn to love the new position. It's a great position that requires speed and sets up many scoring opportunities. Best of luck to you and your daughter.
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Post by debmast on Aug 29, 2016 15:14:30 GMT
Why is there a parent coach at an ECNL level team?
My DD plays travel soccer, but not the ECNL level. However, she has a friend who plays ECNL. The coaches are professionals, not parents. Unless he is both maybe?
Just confirming, COACH's daughter is already committed and your DD is hoping to be? Just making sure I read that correctly.
I think this is a case where she needs to advocate for herself. Although the coach doesn't sound all that welcoming to what she has to say.
It's a shame when you are paying that much $$$ (I know ECNL is pricey) and not getting out of it what you hope.
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Post by whopea on Aug 29, 2016 15:25:12 GMT
I have no words of advice, just hugs to you mama. It's hard to see our kids frustrated!
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anniebeth24
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,033 
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Post by anniebeth24 on Aug 29, 2016 15:31:02 GMT
Sorry to hear about you and daughter's frustration. However, I agree with everyone else's opinion that you need to encourage your daughter to talk to the coach and you shouldn't get involved. My 3 kids have been involved in sports all their lives and that's always how it's been encouraged to handle issues. One thing I'm surprised about is that at the ECNL level the coach said the girls would get equal playing time. That has never been the case in any of the travel or high school teams my girls have played on and ECNL is probably more competitive. So many times I've seen girls never even got off the bench. There's always been no guarantee of playing time. It does sound like you could possibly be dealing with an unfair situation being that your daughter is vying for the same position and playing time against the coach's daughter. Maybe the best option is looking to another team where Coach and daughter aren't involved. Sports aren't always fair. Maybe your daughter will learn to love the new position. It's a great position that requires speed and sets up many scoring opportunities. Best of luck to you and your daughter. This is almost exactly what I was going to reply. It's so hard as a mom, but she needs to be the one to communicate with the coach. I would also say that equal playing time should not be expected once you leave the most introductory recreational leagues. Assuming the team will be attending some college showcases, I would encourage your daughter to talk to the coach specifically about getting play time at those events, especially if she has invited specific coaches to see her play. That might be a situation where the girls who are already committed would be played differently from those who have not. My DS plays center defense most of the time because he's good at it and that's where his team needs him. However, it stresses him out. His favorite position is center mid and his coach did put him there when he knew a specific college coach was coming to a showcase. He knew he would be most comfortable there and would be able to shine. Best wishes for the rest of the season! |
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River
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,627
Jun 26, 2014 15:26:04 GMT
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Post by River on Aug 29, 2016 15:59:07 GMT
From my experience, I would encourage your daughter to approach the coach in a "How can I better my team, better myself, and best these new positions I'm playing?"
If she goes at this in a defensive manner, it could have even worse ramifications. I know this all too well. At this level of play, you have to stay out of this kind of dispute, but you can teach your daughter how to deal with it herself. Let her be mad and carry on about the unfairness, but then show her that that defensive angle will not get her anywhere and in fact could alienate her from the team.
This is something she will always have to deal with during her sports journey. When she gets out from under a father coach (what I call them) she will still likely meet with others that want her position or coaches that don't see her level of talent and sit her out more than she would like.
Learning to advocate for herself in the most beneficial way is a great life lesson.
Good luck to your daughter!
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Post by teddyw on Aug 29, 2016 16:00:48 GMT
If she wants to play in college she needs to contact coaches of schools she's interested in and tell them where she will be playing.
She needs to go to showcase camps also. Those you arrange yourself and you don't go with a team.
She has to advocate for herself.
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Post by bc2ca on Aug 29, 2016 16:29:32 GMT
I'm not clear if your DD is in the starting line-up on the left or subbing in where needed. With only 16 players, I wouldn't expect her to come into the starting line-up in her preferred position if there is already an existing player there unless she has clearly proven herself to be the better player (not even taking into account it is the coach's daughter). What position was your DD playing when she scored the goal? At this point I think she needs to work on being the best possible player at any position she is given.
The coach can't put players that have college commitments on the bench, his obligation is to field his best team possible.
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 29, 2016 16:42:47 GMT
Perhaps role play a conversation with the coach and your daughter. Confrontation with an adult is just not something many teen girls feel comfortable with. It is a powerful skill to have, but I think it must be taught.
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Post by mcscrapper on Aug 29, 2016 23:54:03 GMT
First, the girls who have already committed need to keep up their skills, and are paying the same amount as you are. Second, she should NEVER have joined an organization that allows parent coaches at that level. Your dd can try talking to the coach again, but you should not. If we had known this I never would have agreed to allow my dd to play. I am not happy about this at all! I'm going to stay out of it for now and let my dd talk to him again. I gave her some suggestions on how to approach him and ask for more time. While I do agree that the committed players need to keep up their skills, I would think that he would move those players to other positions to make them more valuable as college players and not just be able to play that one spot. My dd tried out for center mid and center striker so this left sided business is foreign to her. SaveSave |
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Post by mcscrapper on Aug 30, 2016 0:04:16 GMT
I'm not clear if your DD is in the starting line-up on the left or subbing in where needed. With only 16 players, I wouldn't expect her to come into the starting line-up in her preferred position if there is already an existing player there unless she has clearly proven herself to be the better player (not even taking into account it is the coach's daughter). What position was your DD playing when she scored the goal? At this point I think she needs to work on being the best possible player at any position she is given. The coach can't put players that have college commitments on the bench, his obligation is to field his best team possible. She has started and been subbed in. I think all of the girls are pretty equal in their abilities but there is one really great right sided striker. My dd is no better nor worse than the coach's daughter. The girl is bigger but not better. My dd was actually kind of playing out of position at center striker when she scored - the coach's dd was the "assigned" center but was out of position and my dd saw the play opening up and went in to make the play. He pulled her out on the next possession. I totally agree that the best team needs to be on the field. Funny thing is that we have lost two of our games 8-1 and 5-1, and one 2-1. The 2-1 game was the one my dd played the most in and score the goal in. The other games we've lost so badly she's only played 15-20 mins in each. I guess that's part of my frustration. She is very good at controlling the middle and making great passes to her teammates. She's just not getting that opportunity. I'm going to let her talk to him tomorrow night after practice and see if she can get some better feedback. His response to her with "I'm going to play you on the left," was just a turn off to her and she felt like he wasn't even listening to what she was saying. I won't say anything unless I feel like I need to down the road. I just hate how frustrated she is and she's never been this way with soccer. m SaveSave |
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Post by brookeq on Aug 30, 2016 1:51:32 GMT
I coach soccer. I have never heard of trying out for a specific position. We take the best players and and then put them in the positions we see fit.
I feel the best players are those that are versatile. If she is really good she should be able to play almost any position. It may not be her first choice or most comfortable but she should be able to do it. Esp if she wants to play in college. I would encourage her to keep trying the new positions.
I have been in the exact same position as your daughter and it sucks. I hated the entire year. But I pushed thru and finished. The next year we got a new coach and I started over those that were playing before me. My mom never talked to me about how unfair the coach was being or how I was better than the other girls. She just kept telling me to push thru and work hard. The advice served me well and I went on to play division 1 soccer. Sometimes we need some adversity or we just coast along thinking we are the best.
As for the coach playing his daughter I don't have much help there. There probably isn't anything you can do about it. Except when the season is over talk to whoever is in charge and express your concerns with parent coaches. I wouldn't complain that he played his daughter over yours. That would just sound like sour grapes. I would just explain how things can be perceived when a parent coaches. Is he qualified to be the coach?
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finaledition
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by finaledition on Aug 30, 2016 1:59:39 GMT
Sorry to hear about your frustrations. I will just say that any sport any of my kids have played at a higher than recreational level when a parent has coached almost always been a poor experience. There's always that exception, but I feel so strongly that I would never knowingly put my kid on a team when the parent is coaching.
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Post by ruralgirl on Aug 30, 2016 13:40:54 GMT
Another thing I wanted to add re playing out of position is that this happens all the time with college recruits so this will be a good learning lesson to your daughter if she does make it to the college level. A girl my daughter has grown up playing soccer with throughout all her travel and high school years who only played midfield and forward positions all those years was recruited to play defense. Similar thing with a friend's son who played quarterback all his years, got recruited to play D1 football as a tight end. Like another poster said, colleges want versatile players and this coach playing her in this new position could actually be helping her. As the other poster who is a coach said, I have never heard of trying out for a particular position either. That does not sound right.
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Post by Really Red on Aug 30, 2016 16:45:45 GMT
Ugh. I would be SOOO frustrated. No way should a parent ever coach at that level. My 11th grade son is a serious soccer player and is being looked at D-1 teams now. I'm not sure how it works for the girls, but for the boys there are showcases and that is really one of the best ways that the kids get recognized around here. We actually took my son out of travel because it wasn't helpful and the cost was so prohibitive.
I feel your frustration more than I can say as we have a new coach this year who wants to have a backup keeper (this is good), but it means he puts in the backup the second half and the team has lost every game but one they've played, because of the backup keeper. My son has zero goals scored against him and in the game the team won, it was a tie that his team won on PKs that he saved. My son has played every Varsity game since 9th grade, but this new coach sees things differently. If the backup were younger, I might understand, or if we were massively ahead, but each time the team is up 2-0, backup goes in and then they lose. Frustration all around.
WHile I do think this is something that your daughter has to do, I also think you have a right to make a statement to the board/administration. I am sorry.
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