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Post by AussieMeg on Aug 7, 2014 5:14:12 GMT
My 16yo DD got her learner's permit back in December. I was so excited about it, and I took the day off work so I could take her to do the test then take her out for a drive.
I took her for a long drive around our suburb and surrounding semi-rural area. It was a bit dicey, she ran up over the kerb at a roundabout, and hit a couple of gutters, but overall she did quite well considering it was her first ever time driving.
Until.
We had been driving for about 50 minutes, and we turned into our street at a roundabout to go home. DD steered too far to the left, drove over the gutter, up onto the nature strip (which is the grass section between the road and footpath/sidewalk) and panicked. Instead of hitting the brake she hit the accelerator and ran straight into a telegraph pole. Luckily neither of us were hurt at all, although DD was hysterical. There was a lot of damage to the front of my car, and I was without the car from 9th December until 14th January. $7000 worth of damage but luckily I *only* had to pay $1000 excess. (It's normally only $400 excess but because she was a learner driver it was $1000.)
In retrospect I should have made her take a lesson or 2 with a qualified instructor before letting her behind the wheel of my car, but I was so excited, and I remembered back to when I was that age and how excited I was to be able to drive.
So, now to the point of my post.
I cannot be in the car with DD when she is driving now. I literally feel nauseous. I went out with her and the professional instructor the week after the accident, and I was sitting in the back of the car thinking I was going to puke I was so nervous. I almost asked them to pull over so that I could get out of the car. I tried taking her out in my car once more but ended up telling her to pull over because I was shitting myself. I realised that I was making it worse for her. One other time DSO let her drive and I was in the back seat. I must have been breathing heavily (ie. hyperventilating!) and DSO told me to stop being a Fxxxing idiot and to get out of the car!
Now I am at the point where even *thinking* about being in the car when DD is driving makes me feel literally sick to my stomach. I feel bad because it is going to make it a lot harder for DD to get her required hours up so she can get her licence when she turns 18. My DSO and DD's dad both take her driving, but her stepmum is a wimp like me and won't do it either.
So has anyone been through something like this? I just don't know how to get over my fear. It's really hard for me to accept because until this, I didn't have any phobias or anxiety about anything. I feel like an idiot, and I'm letting DD down.
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Post by manda on Aug 7, 2014 5:22:37 GMT
I feel your anxiety.
I remember when I was 19 taking my 17 year old brother out on the country roads in the fields to practice driving. He cut a corner to sharp and had us in a ditch!!
It's been 19 years and I still am the worst passenger for most, experienced or not.
So don't feel bad at all.
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allbymyself
Shy Member
Posts: 22 
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Post by allbymyself on Aug 7, 2014 7:59:51 GMT
I was in an accident with my first daughter when she was learning to drive. She was turning right at traffic lights and a car came from our left and ploughed into the side of us. The other driver had been changing a CD and hadn't seen the red light. I hadn't given it a thought until you mentioned it, but I was very nervous when she got back behind the wheel. We had no choice though, we lived 25km out of town and had to use the car. Youngest DD was really bad for a while (she had been in the car too). I remember having to sit on my hands so to not grab the steering wheel. A couple of years later, eldest and youngest DD were out looking at Christmas lights and a car pulled out of an intersection and ran into the side of them. That wrote the car off. I can clearly remember youngest DD yelling at her sister that she was never ever getting into a car with her again! She lied! They are off out tomorrow  Have you tried some relaxation techniques? What about just sitting in the car with your DD, and then slowly working up to moving the car in the driveway, and then to the end of the road, etc? |
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gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Aug 7, 2014 10:28:02 GMT
When my son ran a wheel up on a curb, i took the car back and he never practiced again. He got his license without parent practice hours when he turned the age he needed to do so. My husband took him out in my car for an hour before the test so he could use my car for the test. I never took my younger son out. By then, i figured that's why I was paying for drivers ed. My older one is a great driver. The younger one is not licensed as we cannot afford to insure another one. So, i am no help, as my solution was not to take them out. Some people pay extra at drivers ed schools for practice hours. Can you do that?
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Post by Judie in Oz on Aug 7, 2014 10:44:26 GMT
gsquaredmom, here we don't have driver's ed. Learners have to do 120 hours of driving in all conditions. You can take up to 10 professional lessons that count for double hours. It's also very expensive to try to do all the hours with a driving instructor.
Meg, my boys never did that on their Ls, however, my eldest got stopped by a cop on his first drive! He didn't stop at a stop sign, and when the cop pulled him up he ran into the gutter. Luckily he got off with just a warning when the cop realised it was his first time out (and our area is pretty quiet and there was no traffic). Maybe you could try the suggestion to just sit in the car with your DD to start. Maybe get some lessons before you get in the car again with her driving.
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gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Aug 7, 2014 10:51:16 GMT
Drivers ed is required to graduate from high school in my state. It is partly paid by taxes so cheaper than commercial private driving schools. And there are people who pay a lot to private schools to not drive with their kid. They have to have a certain number of hours at certain ages.
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Post by AussieMeg on Aug 7, 2014 11:34:11 GMT
When my son ran a wheel up on a curb, i took the car back and he never practiced again. He got his license without parent practice hours when he turned the age he needed to do so. My husband took him out in my car for an hour before the test so he could use my car for the test. I never took my younger son out. By then, i figured that's why I was paying for drivers ed. My older one is a great driver. The younger one is not licensed as we cannot afford to insure another one. So, i am no help, as my solution was not to take them out. Some people pay extra at drivers ed schools for practice hours. Can you do that? Like Judie mentioned, the kids here have to do a minimum of 120 hours of supervised driving before they can get their licence. We don't have Driver's Ed here, just private driving lessons. They cost between $54 to $60 per hour. DD has had quite a few lessons with a professional instructor. I went out with them the second time she had a lesson, and I was telling the instructor that I didn't think I would be able to get in the car with DD again after the accident. The instructor said to me "Well you need to get over it or you may as well hand me $6500 right now, because that's how much it's going to cost for me to do the 120 hours with her!"  I like the idea of easing my way back into it. I wish I knew someone with a farm, because I think I'd be able to handle it in the car with her driving around a big safe paddock! |
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BarbaraUK
Drama Llama
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Jun 27, 2014 12:47:11 GMT
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Post by BarbaraUK on Aug 7, 2014 11:36:06 GMT
It must be awful to feel like that, do so hope it won't be long before those horrible feelings start to subside a bit for you so that it gets easier for you to accompany your DD. I think panicking and hitting the accelerator instead of the brake is pretty much par for the course when learning to drive - and at least your DD hit a telegraph pole and not another car! My DS did exactly the same thing and hit a bollard in a car park.....and ran over a couple of rose bushes in a nearby nature strip! |
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,024
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Aug 7, 2014 11:39:11 GMT
Re the big safe paddock idea. If that's not an option, is there a shopping centre carpark at five in the morning or an industrial estate on a Sunday morning you could use?
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peppermintpatty
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Refupea #1345
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Post by peppermintpatty on Aug 7, 2014 11:40:03 GMT
We have to do 60 or 70 here. DD can get her learners at the end of the month. I did tell her that it will be a year before I let her get her license. She will have to be 17 because the rates are cheaper (they go down every year as opposed to when you turn 21), she will need lots of experience driving in DC area traffic, and she has no need to drive herself anywhere. We only have two cars and I have no plans on getting another one right now. We have nowhere to park another one.
I can understand your hesitation. Around here the kids generally do all their hours before they get with an instructor because the instructor can then fine tune their habits.
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Post by worrywart on Aug 7, 2014 11:48:13 GMT
Yes, a similar but less expensive situation. Ds was pulling into a parking spot and I was trying to help tell him how to straighten up the car..he says he hit the wrong pedal (I say he was ticked and overhit the gas to pull back in the spot) anyway, he went up over the curb in the spot and hit a tree. Luckily the damage was under $1000 but still!
Another time he almost ran us off the highway. Yes, trust me, I NEVER close my eyes when I am driving with him even now. Now that you mention it, we let him highway drive on our way back from a weekend trip and the traffic was horrible. His judgement on when to put on the brakes was BAD and I was literally freaking out. There is so much for them to learn and they don't really get the fact that it will take them a long time to become competent drivers.
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Post by anxiousmom on Aug 7, 2014 11:48:25 GMT
My cousin was in two separate car accidents that resulted in pretty severe injuries. Since then, she is a very nervous driver, and driving with her newly licensed driver almost makes her have a full on anxiety attack. We all have kind of stepped in and taken her son out and he does a good job. Eventually, I suppose, she is going to have to go out with him, but for now, she tries not to. What really made me nervous was trying to teach the boy how to drive a stick shift. We couldn't even leave the drive way and simply drove up and down or rather start the car the car, roll a bit, stall the car. I am pretty sure I had whiplash by the time we decided to try another day.  |
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
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Posts: 4,546
Location: North Dakota
Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Aug 7, 2014 12:06:48 GMT
Wow Meg, I don't blame you for not wanting to ride with her.
way back when my kids took driver's ed in school they really didn't get a lot of behind the wheel practice so it was up to the parents to make sure they had enough before they took the test.
One of my girls was a very poor driver even after driver's ed but I was too afraid to ride with her to practice. I handed that job over to my DH. He took her several times but even he decided he couldn't do it any more. We hired an instructor who was wonderful. She made her drive through McDonalds, grocery store pick ups and all the places a person goes to in a regular day. At the time this instructor charged $150 total to get your child comfortable behind the wheel and she even came when DD took her test for moral support.
Do you have a friend with nerves of steel who'd be willing to take your DD out driving if you did errands, cooking, baking, babysitting or anything for her?
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Post by pjynx on Aug 7, 2014 12:37:02 GMT
No accidents (yet) but dd is a nervous wreck driving. She seemed to do fine with the driver's training instructor, but has lost her confidence now that the class is over and she's just getting her hours with dh & I. She says that I make her more nervous than dh, which is odd, because I think I'm the more patient one, but, oh well. I mostly let dh take her now. I did order some magnetic car signs from Amazon (they'll arrive today). They are yellow and say "student driver" so that we are at least warning people around us to be a little more cautious or at least, a little more patient  Pam |
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Aug 7, 2014 12:39:45 GMT
Off hours and out of the way places are the best bet with a new driver (or a mom who needs reassuring!) I have 3 who are licensed, thankfully only 1 more to go! I started with places like the mall at 8 am prior to them opening. A lot of malls here have roads around/through them. Great quiet place to drive on the "road." Industrial parks are also good, on a weekend. I've also gotten out of bed at 7 am on the weekend to drive with them so that in the beginning they could drive in less busy times of day. You pretty much have the road to yourself at that hour. I'd try some of those type of ideas so that you build some confidence in her abilities. If you really can't do it, then have someone else do it with her. You having a panic attack is not good for the new driver. |
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Post by lbp on Aug 7, 2014 12:44:46 GMT
I guess living in the country has it's perks. My son had already driven 3 wheelers, tractors, dune buggies, etc.. before he was old enough to get a license. Not to mention that we would take the car to the school on weekends and let him drive it around the parking lot. (School has a huge parking lot). So by the time it came to get his license, he was fine. Even with all that the first time I saw him drive away by himself I cried my eyes out and to this day still pray he will be ok every time he goes out.
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Post by anxiousmom on Aug 7, 2014 12:45:08 GMT
No accidents (yet) but dd is a nervous wreck driving. She seemed to do fine with the driver's training instructor, but has lost her confidence now that the class is over and she's just getting her hours with dh & I. She says that I make her more nervous than dh, which is odd, because I think I'm the more patient one, but, oh well. I mostly let dh take her now. I did order some magnetic car signs from Amazon (they'll arrive today). They are yellow and say "student driver" so that we are at least warning people around us to be a little more cautious or at least, a little more patient Pam I think that the one thing that *I* got out of having new drivers is that I learned to have WAY more patience on the road. I am really, really laid back, but the minute someone starts having aggressive, impatient driving behavior because my son is being tentative, I turn into a raging psycho. (LOL) Watching one of them get flustered and unsure of themselves made me realize that you just never know who is the in car in front of you and that I probably should just settle myself down and let it go. It also made me check my driving skills/behavior. I am *trying* to model good driving behavior, but dang it is hard. |
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iowgirl
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by iowgirl on Aug 7, 2014 12:58:02 GMT
It's amazing to me that some start when the are so old. We start with a learners permit at age 14, but my kids have had quite a bit of experience in vehicles of some sort way before then. We live on a farm though, so they are lucky enough to have spaces and vehicles that they can drive.
Experience is a good thing. I just can't imagine turning my kid loose in a car when they have only had a few hours behind the wheel.
The day they get that learners permit we are out practicing. I have them drive me everywhere, and there was a lot of driving at that age with all the sports and activities they were in! I made sure they got plenty of night and bad weather driving in too. The first time on snow was always a scary one!
They could start driving to school alone at 14.5 - so I wanted them to be good experienced drivers by then.
Distractions are the WORST thing! Other kids in the car and looking at that damn phone (even if they are not texting - looking at that thing for second can spell disaster).
I can honestly say by the time they got their school permits they were good drivers and I felt comfortable letting them drive. Still a scary thought though - especially when you hear about wrecks and fatalities. So sad.
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gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,092
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Aug 7, 2014 13:56:07 GMT
Sounds like an amazing business opportunity for someone willing to do it for a reasonable sum. They dont charge 6500 here. OP, maybe she needs a few more lessons? Do you have an empty parking lot just to practice the pedals? I hope you find a solution. Maybe ease into it by staying offroad with her for awhile.
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Post by miominmio on Aug 7, 2014 14:03:22 GMT
My mom did! But she got over it eventually, and I did get my licence.
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ReneeH20
Full Member
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Jun 28, 2014 16:00:48 GMT
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Post by ReneeH20 on Aug 7, 2014 15:31:09 GMT
I started my kids out in the school parking lots - on Saturdays when they were empty. Then slowly let them drive in the neighborhood and then the highway (seemed to be easier to consistently go 55-65 then all the stopping and starting and turning in town). One thing I let the driver's ed teacher do was take them out on the freeway for the first time.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 8, 2024 0:32:05 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2014 15:44:08 GMT
I didn't like riding with DD when she had her permit, still don't but I am not a good passenger with most people. Driver Ed really helped!
Ann
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Post by kristalina on Aug 7, 2014 15:54:43 GMT
Not while she had her permit but dd was in an accident last year (wasn't her fault, somone was stopped in her lane and she couldn't avoid hitting her) and now I find it hard to drive with her. I'm literally terrified, even though logically it doesn't make sense.
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Peamac
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Post by Peamac on Aug 7, 2014 15:57:00 GMT
Re the big safe paddock idea. If that's not an option, is there a shopping centre carpark at five in the morning or an industrial estate on a Sunday morning you could use? Or a school parking lot on the weekend? Or a cemetery? No really- that's where I started my practice driving! or drive her to the country and let her practice on those roads, then drive her home? |
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Post by Basket1lady on Aug 7, 2014 16:00:51 GMT
No accidents, but plenty of close calls. We live in northern Virginia and the drivers here are nuts. Most of the time, it's other drivers not following the rules of the road. But then, DS just didn't have a natural inclination for driving. Driving on the interest ate is the worse. He has to drive the speed limit, which is about 15 miles under what most people drive. And he would weave when he looked over his shoulder to change lanes. I think I put permanent dents into my arm rest.
He's 17 1/2 now and I think he is finally ready (they can get a permit at 15 1/2.) he just needed more time. He drives me everywhere. If he's in the car, he's driving. It's been a long journey, and I made DH do a lot of the hours.
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Post by mightyme on Aug 7, 2014 16:14:55 GMT
My dad always took us to the empty college parking lot. We had things to master before you even think of going out onto roads with other cars.
We are on driver number 3. He will be 18 in nov. he has had his permit for 4 months now. Just got his own car on saturday.
When he first went out with dh. He thought it was silly to have to start in the parking lot. But when he was done, he understood why.
He drives to and from work. To practice and back. He has driven the highway a couple times. Driven at night and in pouring rain.
He took the driver ed class and will do the driving part. But its only a small part of what is needed.
He started out in our car, but then started driving our large suv. He has been a good driver. I think age and maturity have alot to do with it
We had a 16 year old girl drive into the gas station after having her DL for just a short while.
I had a friend when i was 16 drive over the curb, and thought it was funny. Never got in the car with her again.
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sunnyday
Junior Member
Posts: 72
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Post by sunnyday on Aug 7, 2014 16:45:05 GMT
Hmmm, it sounds to me like this situation has triggered a very strong fear for you, and being in that situation again is really causing trouble.
When it comes to anxiety, people need to look at how a fear affects their daily life and the lives of others around them. If it is significant enough to cause a hardship, then I think some therapy should be tried.
The idea is to get your body's physical reactions of fear to a more normal level. Yes, we all have reasons to fear certain things, but sometimes our bodies go into 'fight or flight' mode when in a situation that does not require it. This sounds like it could be the case for you in this particular situation.
If you really want to get over it, here is something to try:
You must place yourself in a situation that triggers the fear, one step at a time. When you feel the anxiety, you need to allow your body enough time to get past the physical reaction to it. This is called "habituation." Your body cannot stay in a state of 'fight or flight' indefinitely, your body has to allow that physical state to lessen. You wait until the physical sensation is past, then you take a break and try again another time. Over a course of time, you should not have the fear anymore.
Here is a real-to-your-life example:
Have your daughter sit in the driver's seat of the car and you sit in the passenger seat. No keys, the car isn't on, no driving will take place. See if this triggers something. If you start to feel the anxiety, be patient. Ride it through until you no longer feel the fear. Session over.
You could continue this until sitting there with her does not cause you any anxiety. Then move to the next step. Sit there and have her start the car. See if the anxiety is triggered. If so, wait it out again. You will eventually feel your body calm itself down.
Always move forward a bit at a time. Make sure that a little anxiety is triggered, then let your body habituate. Eventually, hopefully, you will be able to pull out of the driveway, then go around the block, then out in the neighborhood. Always make sure there is some anxiety there that you can habituate to, but not too much at a time.
Good luck!
ETA: Don't try this all in a row. You have to give yourself a break in between. Maybe a couple sessions a day. With a bit of time, I think you will be OK>
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Deleted
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Oct 8, 2024 0:32:05 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2014 17:17:19 GMT
OP I'm so sorry you and your DD were in an accident, but I'm glad to hear you're okay. That being said, I can understand your fear and anxiety. My DS will be getting his driver's permit in a little over a year and I KNOW I can't be in the car with him when he starts learning. I don't even have patience to have him in my kitchen during meal prep. Plus, I'm a horrible passenger when anyone else, including my DH, is driving. I never used to be like this until I had kids. Now I just worry.
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