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Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2016 15:21:57 GMT
Back story - DS is 20, (Let's call him "A") recently moved into an apartment instead of dorming this year. I help him and his twin a lot. I prepare all the financial aid forms, pay for all the books, have taken out parent plus loans, drive them around. Set up "A" in his apartment with a stocked fridge and pantry, dishes, sheets, silverware...you get the picture. I even got him a job at the daycare he used to attend as a toddler thru pre k. Now, I don't do everything for my adulting children - just try to make life a bit easier. He works hard when he works (on school breaks). Gets decent grades. "A" is moody, ungrateful boy. I have discussed his lack of gratitude and appreciation with him before. Decides to rant about me on Twitter. I see it yesterday and was seething all day. I picked him up this am to DRIVE HIM TO SCHOOL and released the Kracken. Told him I would revoke all support, not complete cosigning his loans, refuse to complete the fafsa, stop driving him/not allow him the use of my car - basically make his life a living hell if HE EVER POSTS ANYTHING LIKE THAT AGAIN. My BP shot through the roof. He was silent for most of my rant, apologized and deleted the tweet. I feel >< this bad. No one likes to be yelled at first thing in the am, but his lack of gratitude blows my mind. Ex of his behavior/attitude: "A" needed a ride home from campus at 10 pm Sunday. DH says he will go. "A" is nowhere to be found. When contacted, he said "My bad. I left at 9 because the rest of the cast did not show up and I was pissed." Clearly he thinks his time is more valuable than anyone else's.  I don't know why I am posting this other than to get it off my chest. |
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Post by debmast on Sept 15, 2016 15:24:49 GMT
You should not feel bad. You are going above beyond and he doesn't appreciate all that you do.
The whole "ride" on Sunday night is just downright disrespectful. Fine that he left, but he needed to let y'all know.
I'd have let him have it too!
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Post by agengr2004 on Sept 15, 2016 15:25:08 GMT
Then stop doing all those things. He's 20. He should be able to do those things on his own.
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Post by **GypsyGirl** on Sept 15, 2016 15:29:50 GMT
Now, I don't do everything for my adulting children - just try to make life a bit easier. You are doing way too much for a 20 year old. Time to step back and let him figure life out on his own. |
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Post by mellowyellow on Sept 15, 2016 15:33:30 GMT
Wow..he does sound ungrateful....I'm sorry. I think if I were you I would stop making it so easy on him. I think you may have done him somewhat of an injustice by doing all those things for him. At best, he should be involved in what all you are doing so he can be taking over. He's 20 and old enough to be taking care of things.
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Post by redshoes on Sept 15, 2016 15:35:19 GMT
Your expectations of him are way too low if you think you need to do all that for him (and his twin). I'm sure he is capable, so let him handle his own affairs!!! He should be getting his own jobs, working to pay for transportation, etc. It's doing him a disservice to keep "doing" everything for him.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2016 15:36:50 GMT
Back story - DS is 20, (Let's call him "A") recently moved into an apartment instead of dorming this year. I help him and his twin a lot. I prepare all the financial aid forms, pay for all the books, have taken out parent plus loans, drive them around. Set up "A" in his apartment with a stocked fridge and pantry, dishes, sheets, silverware...you get the picture. I even got him a job at the daycare he used to attend as a toddler thru pre k. Now, I don't do everything for my adulting children - just try to make life a bit easier. He works hard when he works (on school breaks). Gets decent grades. "A" is moody, ungrateful boy. I have discussed his lack of gratitude and appreciation with him before. Decides to rant about me on Twitter. I see it yesterday and was seething all day. I picked him up this am to DRIVE HIM TO SCHOOL and released the Kracken. Told him I would revoke all support, not complete cosigning his loans, refuse to complete the fafsa, stop driving him/not allow him the use of my car - basically make his life a living hell if HE EVER POSTS ANYTHING LIKE THAT AGAIN. My BP shot through the roof. He was silent for most of my rant, apologized and deleted the tweet. I feel >< this bad. No one likes to be yelled at first thing in the am, but his lack of gratitude blows my mind. Ex of his behavior/attitude: "A" needed a ride home from campus at 10 pm Sunday. DH says he will go. "A" is nowhere to be found. When contacted, he said "My bad. I left at 9 because the rest of the cast did not show up and I was pissed." Clearly he thinks his time is more valuable than anyone else's. I don't know why I am posting this other than to get it off my chest. You don't recognize it, but you ARE doing everything for him. He is 20. Stop supplying anything he needs. Stop being his taxi service (he can learn to car pool with peers or take an actual taxi) Let him buy his own houswares, find his own jobs. Just STOP IT. If he is on your taxes, WHEN HE ASKS, give him the info he needs for his fafsa but let him complete it. Let him fill out his financial aid forms and if he doesn't let him pay the cash up front for the semester (or take the semester off to work) |
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scrappert
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Post by scrappert on Sept 15, 2016 15:39:09 GMT
Hugs! I don't think you did the wrong thing. And I do agree with others, it's time to step back. Little by little. It's time for him to stand on his own 2 feet. Clearly he can get around by himself when needed, so let him do that.
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Post by myshelly on Sept 15, 2016 15:40:28 GMT
You are doing everything for him.
He expects those things and doesn't appreciate them because you have always done them and he doesn't know any different.
The whole rides thing is weird. How has he not saved up enough for a cash car yet?
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Post by scrapmaven on Sept 15, 2016 15:43:29 GMT
You're giving your ds a very cushy life. He needs to do things on his own. He should be filling out his own forms for financial aid and maybe having you fill in the blanks that he can't answer. He needs to learn to love the bus. Also, no more night rides. He won't be stranded. He can find a way home. You arranged a job for him and he didn't get the chance to pound the pavement and do this for himself. I know you love him and want the best for him. I am fighting not to do everything for my 19 year old. I'm finally letting go and it's really difficult. However, we can't micro manage their lives. It's sink or swim time.
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Gennifer
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Post by Gennifer on Sept 15, 2016 15:43:48 GMT
I'm sorry he was rude to you.  I'm with the others, though, and think it's time to step back from the help you are giving your adult son. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2016 15:49:23 GMT
Thanks everyone. I also agree with all of you. It probably stems from the fact that both twins have depression issues and suffer from axiety. Teen years were rough with family counseling, self harm, etc. I *do* need to step back and let him figure it out.  |
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Post by gar on Sept 15, 2016 15:51:54 GMT
We often feel that we want to 'help' our kids but by making life easier in the short term we can cause issues in the longer term.
Now you have written it out perhaps you can see where you can make changes. I'm sure them he will be more aware and perhaps more appreciative of just how much you did for him.
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smcast
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Post by smcast on Sept 15, 2016 15:52:15 GMT
I hope he doesn't expect his future wife someday to do everything for him too.
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freebird
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Post by freebird on Sept 15, 2016 15:52:19 GMT
I think you should also stop doing so much for him. He can't learn how hard it is if you don't give him opportunity. I made my kid fill out his own fafsa every year. I don't even know where to go to start. It was a huge pain in the ass for him, but he did it by himself. Messed up a few times too.
As for the rest. I like you. We should be friends.
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Post by lucyg on Sept 15, 2016 15:56:19 GMT
Good luck. I know how hard it is to step back from all that DOING for them.
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Post by epeanymous on Sept 15, 2016 16:01:15 GMT
You are obviously acting from a place of love and care, and it sounds like your kids had emotional issues that made it so that they needed more support and help than teens who don't have those issues. Like everyone else, though, and like it sounds you now think too, I believe you are doing too much for your son and that he would benefit from being given the chance to figure a lot of this stuff out on his own. It's easier for him to do that now than ten years from now when he might have a partner and/or children.
Best of luck. I am sure it is going to be hard to pull back, particularly when pulling back may mean he sometimes doesn't do things or complete things that he should.
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perumbula
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Post by perumbula on Sept 15, 2016 16:11:07 GMT
I have a child who suffers from depression and anxiety issues. I don't know your sons, but with my child the more I do for her, the worse it is. Yes, it seems helpful to set up an adult child so they have to do less and it reduces their stress. But it also reduces their personal view of their own abilities and self worth. The more my child does for herself, the better she feels about who she is and what she's capable of. Yes, she took forever to find a job, but she did it and she's proud of her cashier at the college cafeteria job. She did it herself. We do help out every once in a while, but I know from my own experience with depression my dd needs to feel like she can do things for herself and she can easily become too dependent on others to the point where she depends on others for everything.
Like I said, I don't know your kid. This is just my experience with my own child and I offer it as something to think about.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2016 16:25:06 GMT
Now, I don't do everything for my adulting children - just try to make life a bit easier. You are doing way too much for a 20 year old. Time to step back and let him figure life out on his own. You're doing more for your 20 year old than I'm doing for my 17 yo. She used to be horrible about time and pick ups for swimming, 2farting around in the locker room for 45 minutes after practice ended. So I left her ass there once and it never happened again. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2016 16:25:56 GMT
I have a child who suffers from depression and anxiety issues. I don't know your sons, but with my child the more I do for her, the worse it is. Yes, it seems helpful to set up an adult child so they have to do less and it reduces their stress. But it also reduces their personal view of their own abilities and self worth. The more my child does for herself, the better she feels about who she is and what she's capable of. Yes, she took forever to find a job, but she did it and she's proud of her cashier at the college cafeteria job. She did it herself. We do help out every once in a while, but I know from my own experience with depression my dd needs to feel like she can do things for herself and she can easily become too dependent on others to the point where she depends on others for everything. Like I said, I don't know your kid. This is just my experience with my own child and I offer it as something to think about. Great post. I hadn't thought of that angle. Thank you for your thoughts! |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2016 16:28:09 GMT
Yeah, that would have set me off too. I have different issues with my own son (18). He doesn't do anything online so we don't have that but a general disrespect and laziness that get to a point where I have to become Bitch Mom. I hate it, but it seems to be the only thing that finally kicks his rear in gear.
{{{ hugs }}}
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2016 16:30:11 GMT
Wingnut - I definitely got his attention, lol! There was a crazy lunatic driving around Buffalo in a red Sienna losing.her.shit. this am! I think he was afraid I was going to toss him from the car.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2016 16:30:13 GMT
I have a child who suffers from depression and anxiety issues. I don't know your sons, but with my child the more I do for her, the worse it is. Yes, it seems helpful to set up an adult child so they have to do less and it reduces their stress. But it also reduces their personal view of their own abilities and self worth. The more my child does for herself, the better she feels about who she is and what she's capable of. Yes, she took forever to find a job, but she did it and she's proud of her cashier at the college cafeteria job. She did it herself. We do help out every once in a while, but I know from my own experience with depression my dd needs to feel like she can do things for herself and she can easily become too dependent on others to the point where she depends on others for everything. Like I said, I don't know your kid. This is just my experience with my own child and I offer it as something to think about. I need to apply this in our situation. Thanks for taking the time to write this. |
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Post by pierkiss on Sept 15, 2016 16:35:45 GMT
Dont feel bad. Your son was being a butthead and needed to be called on it. Hopefully your rant encourages him to make some positive changes in his attitude/behavior.
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Post by mellowyellow on Sept 15, 2016 16:37:05 GMT
Wingnut - I definitely got his attention, lol! There was a crazy lunatic driving around Buffalo in a red Sienna losing.her.shit. this am! I think he was afraid I was going to toss him from the car. This made me LOL! I am not trying to make light of your situation but I totally get it! Ha ha! |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2016 16:40:56 GMT
I am laughing as well. It's like when I busted DD (10) when she wrote "my mom is a little piece of shit". OMG I laughed so hard. And had a chat in the car during an hour long trip. But damn - that was scrapbook worthy! I am threatening to sign her birthday card next week "love, the little POS". Sounds like I have rotten kids running the roost. So not the case, lol. Just opionated little monsters.  |
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Post by maryland on Sept 15, 2016 16:50:21 GMT
I would be very upset too if my daughters did the same. They are younger, but the oldest just turned 19 and is a sophomore in college 5 hrs. away. She is forced to do for herself, as she lives away now. It's a good learning experience for her! What drives me crazy is when we are in the car, and I am mad about something (someone tried to run me off the road once) and the kids are texting each other about how mom is crazy! Another reason I despise cell phones! |
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marianne
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Post by marianne on Sept 15, 2016 17:17:07 GMT
A come to Jesus meeting was probably long overdue. We do our kids no favors by doing everything for them. Our job is to teach them how to get along in this world without us. Step back, Mom - let him learn how to navigate on his own. The best you can do is be there for him to help pick up the pieces if things fall apart... help him, not glue them back together for him. He needs to learn and know he can do things himself.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2016 17:23:36 GMT
You are doing way too much for a 20 year old. Time to step back and let him figure life out on his own. You're doing more for your 20 year old than I'm doing for my 17 yo. She used to be horrible about time and pick ups for swimming, 2farting around in the locker room for 45 minutes after practice ended. So I left her ass there once and it never happened again. I did that to my husband once. He was late for my friend's wedding. 🙄 |
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scrapaddie
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Post by scrapaddie on Sept 15, 2016 17:34:40 GMT
Then stop doing all those things. He's 20. He should be able to do those things on his own. I totally agree... YOU get a 20 year old a job!!!!  Let him get stronger by taking care of himself! Treat him as a child and he will be a child! |
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Let him get stronger by taking care of himself! Treat him as a child and he will be a child!