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Post by drawkcab on Aug 7, 2014 16:29:34 GMT
So funny, as I logged in just now, I was told I'm a "shy member". Totally fits!
How do you get over being so shy, and feeling invisible?
A couple weeks ago I asked about being more alive and you all had some great answers. I was hoping maybe you could help me with this too.
Sometimes I feel like I'm invisible. I can be in a group of people and everyone is talking over each other and I'm not going to fight to volume so I just go quiet.
I've been friends with someone I grew up with on FB for a while. I've sent her PMs to see how she is doing and have heard nothing back, until she wants something, she asked about someone else we grew up with. To basically disregard me and only want to be in touch when I might be able to help her.
I want to break down the walls around me and I guess I'm doing it one step at a time.
Thanks!
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Judy26
Pearl Clutcher
MOTFY Bitchy Nursemaid
Posts: 2,971 
Location: NW PA
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Post by Judy26 on Aug 7, 2014 16:38:19 GMT
Search for friends who have the same passions as you. Then you won't have to hunt for topics of conversation. Also, embrace your quiet nature. Don't try to be something you are not. Having a few close friends can be so much more rewarding than being the life of the party.
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msliz
Drama Llama
The Procrastinator
Posts: 6,419
Jun 26, 2014 21:32:34 GMT
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Post by msliz on Aug 7, 2014 16:43:10 GMT
How do you get over being so shy, and feeling invisible?
On the old board, my avatar was a Webkinz duck. On this board, I'm a super hero, an incompetent one, but a superhero nonetheless. The funny thing is, she makes me feel a little stronger.
It's my odd way of saying, if you look confident and you act confident, a little confidence might rub off on you for real. Just hold your head up. You don't have to jump into every conversation. A lot of the time, it's the quiet ones who come off as more intelligent, and it's the nervous ones who feel compelled to fill every silence with some noise.
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Post by scrapmaven on Aug 7, 2014 16:44:14 GMT
I wonder how much of this has to do w/your self esteem and worrying about what others think? Do you feel as though you are insignificant in some way? When you take the focus off of what people must think of you and put the focus on being engaged in someone's conversation then you're not dwelling on what you are doing wrong. Unless you're a vile human w/nothing but nastiness to say then I would assume that you're a very nice person and well worth talking to. Start here. Participate in threads and get to know yourself and us. Don't be afraid. Be yourself. Be willing to risk what others will think. Becoming less shy is all about habit. Create a habit of talking to people and feeling worthy of that.
As for your friend, the energy vampire I would let it go. She sounds very self-involved and friendship is a two way street, not all about MEMEME. Friends who only contact you when they need a favor aren't friends. They're a waste of time. Jump into the refupod and find out what a great friend you'll make to others. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere! This is afterall, 2peas.
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Post by peanuttle on Aug 7, 2014 16:48:34 GMT
OP- I am so glad you posted this. I am "shy" and quiet and I can fully relate to what you are saying. In DH family, they are all loud and I can join a conversation and no one even hears what I am saying, unless I yell and I am not the type to do that, so I sit back and then am labeled as not interested or rude.
I have been in a funk the last few days, just feeling like I don't have any friends. I have a few work friends that sometimes I don't feel like hanging out with outside of work. And a few good friend, but they don't live near by, so I don't get to see then often. My one friend that I see often just started dating someone and is always too busy to hang out.
It sucks being the quiet one sometimes.
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Post by peanuttle on Aug 7, 2014 16:50:30 GMT
I wonder how much of this has to do w/your self esteem and worrying about what others think? Do you feel as though you are insignificant in some way? When you take the focus off of what people must think of you and put the focus on being engaged in someone's conversation then you're not dwelling on what you are doing wrong. Unless you're a vile human w/nothing but nastiness to say then I would assume that you're a very nice person and well worth talking to. Start here. Participate in threads and get to know yourself and us. Don't be afraid. Be yourself. Be willing to risk what others will think. Becoming less shy is all about habit. Create a habit of talking to people and feeling worthy of that. As for your friend, the energy vampire I would let it go. She sounds very self-involved and friendship is a two way street, not all about MEMEME. Friends who only contact you when they need a favor aren't friends. They're a waste of time. Jump into the refupod and find out what a great friend you'll make to others. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere! This is afterall, 2peas. I don't want to hijak OP's thread, but you are so on point with this for me. I am always worried about what others think. I might say something dumb, or do they really like me, etc. It sucks! |
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Post by alibama on Aug 7, 2014 16:50:47 GMT
In the Pod I think you need to just jump in and get your feet wet. It is a good place. We have a few grumps but mostly nice people around here I hope to see you posting more! |
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back to *pea*ality
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
Posts: 3,149
Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Aug 7, 2014 17:08:00 GMT
Oh, were you at my book club last week? Put yourself in situations that you are comfortable with. Invite a friend to lunch and socialize one on one. Then next time invite two friends and each experience you have will build your confidence. But be who you are! Btw, the person on Facebook isn't a friend sounds more like a user. You don't need her in *your* circle. |
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scrapperdee
Junior Member
Refupea 1827
Posts: 76
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Post by scrapperdee on Aug 7, 2014 17:12:34 GMT
I also feel invisible - its due to being extremely shy AND that I spend so much time caring for my autistic son, that I feel invisible.
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Post by pierkiss on Aug 7, 2014 17:17:36 GMT
I have no advice but I feel the same way. Part is due to my shyness. The other part is due to something else. :/
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Post by drawkcab on Aug 7, 2014 17:41:19 GMT
I wish I could be friends with you all IRL!
Yep, I'm often around really loud, know it alls and even though I'm an extrovert, I'm very shy. I've given it a lot of thought about is it really shy or is it shame and over time I'm sure it's shyness. For that I'm grateful. Around people I know, and don't know for that matter, in a one on one or even very small group setting I'm good and feel more confident, but around large, loud groups, I'm ill at ease. Some of this I've realized since posting about really living and someone suggested doing something that scares me every day. Since then I've put myself in more group settings and this came to light. I'm not looking at it as a bad thing, just a thing.
I'm not to worried about what others will think of me (for the most part). Age has given me reassurance that anyone who really cares will accept me, faults and all, and those that are looking to make themselves feel better and point out my flaws aren't anyone I want in my life. Granted sometimes I don't have a choice and those are where I'm trying to learn how deal better.
You're all great and I'm really glad to be welcomed and supported here!
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,960
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Aug 7, 2014 17:42:33 GMT
I wonder how much of this has to do w/your self esteem and worrying about what others think? Do you feel as though you are insignificant in some way? I had some interesting talks with a therapist on this subject. I am a very shy person, I am quiet around new people. I don't feel very worthy of their conversation. What my therapist said to me was, "Do you think they my feel the same way?" My way of handling it was to stay quiet, sit in a corner, see what happens. The people having great conversations, they may have the same feelings, but their way of handling it was to talk, laugh and have fun. I have since changed quite a bit. One example (and this is huge for us shy people!) when going to meet a friend, or family even, for dinner or a drink, I used to wait in the car (and I would get there early) until I saw them pull up, then I would get out of my car, go to them so we could go in together. I now get there on time, go in all by myself! The first time was very stressful, I had to use a mantra with myself - you can do this, you can do this. And I did. Nothing bad happened. Baby steps. I always think about what my therapist said now when I have to go into new situations. I feel stronger, I feel more confident knowing that maybe "they" are feeling insignificant, too.
It's a long process, one that you have to work at on a daily basis. Some days it comes naturally, some days you have to work at it.
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Post by lurker on Aug 7, 2014 17:50:57 GMT
As another "shy one", I think you're very brave to actually start a thread - good job!
I'm not talkative IRL. I've heard people say I'm stuck up or stand offish. Not at all. When I have something to say, I say it. I am pushing myself to post more frequently. So y'all will probably tell me to be quiet before too much longer. I really want to be a "Throbbing Member".
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Post by peanuttle on Aug 7, 2014 18:40:32 GMT
As another "shy one", I think you're very brave to actually start a thread - good job! I'm not talkative IRL. I've heard people say I'm stuck up or stand offish. Not at all. When I have something to say, I say it. I am pushing myself to post more frequently. So y'all will probably tell me to be quiet before too much longer. I really want to be a "Throbbing Member". I agree, in school, I had a good group of friends, but heard on occasion that others thought I was stuck up. It's hurtful because I consider myself to be a nice, friendly person. |
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Post by peanuttle on Aug 7, 2014 18:43:05 GMT
I wish I could be friends with you all IRL! Yep, I'm often around really loud, know it alls and even though I'm an extrovert, I'm very shy. I've given it a lot of thought about is it really shy or is it shame and over time I'm sure it's shyness. For that I'm grateful. Around people I know, and don't know for that matter, in a one on one or even very small group setting I'm good and feel more confident, but around large, loud groups, I'm ill at ease. Some of this I've realized since posting about really living and someone suggested doing something that scares me every day. Since then I've put myself in more group settings and this came to light. I'm not looking at it as a bad thing, just a thing. I'm not to worried about what others will think of me (for the most part). Age has given me reassurance that anyone who really cares will accept me, faults and all, and those that are looking to make themselves feel better and point out my flaws aren't anyone I want in my life. Granted sometimes I don't have a choice and those are where I'm trying to learn how deal better. You're all great and I'm really glad to be welcomed and supported here! Nearly all my friends are outgoing and loud. I think this is because I met them by them approaching and talking to me. I rarely approach and introduce myself to someone. Also, I don't like to be nosey, so I have a hard time asking quiet people questions. I feel like I am prying. |
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Post by gar on Aug 10, 2014 9:54:48 GMT
I wonder how much of this has to do w/your self esteem and worrying about what others think? Do you feel as though you are insignificant in some way? When you take the focus off of what people must think of you and put the focus on being engaged in someone's conversation then you're not dwelling on what you are doing wrong. Unless you're a vile human w/nothing but nastiness to say then I would assume that you're a very nice person and well worth talking to. Start here. Participate in threads and get to know yourself and us. Don't be afraid. Be yourself. Be willing to risk what others will think. Becoming less shy is all about habit. Create a habit of talking to people and feeling worthy of that. As for your friend, the energy vampire I would let it go. She sounds very self-involved and friendship is a two way street, not all about MEMEME. Friends who only contact you when they need a favor aren't friends. They're a waste of time. Jump into the refupod and find out what a great friend you'll make to others. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere! This is afterall, 2peas. I don't want to hijak OP's thread, but you are so on point with this for me. I am always worried about what others think. I might say something dumb, or do they really like me, etc. It sucks! I'm working on this  It's getting easier because I consciously recognise and try to remember that other people do that, they say the wrong thing/say something daft and I don't think any less of them! I don't suddenly look at colleagues/friends/neighbours and decide I don't like them or don't respect them any more because they said one thing 'wrong'. It's forgotten in a moment or two and I've found it helps to keep that in the front of my mind when I get those thoughts. As far as 2 peas goes - a lot of people's posts aren't re-quoted/liked etc but it doesn't mean someone hasn't read what they've said and nodded or agreed to themselves. I felt small and invisible here initially, particularly not being American, but bit by bit, by joining in on the 'normal' discussions you get seen by more people, get more comfortable, get familiar with the other peas etc.......it creates an upward spiral of involvement, in a sense |
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
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Post by scrapaddie on Aug 10, 2014 11:36:10 GMT
I was very shy in high school... I could go all day without talking to anyone... very low,self esteem. When I went to college i realized no one would know me and no.one would know I am shy... I would pretend I wasn't! It was hard... so hard, but it worked! I am going to Africa soon and will.know none of the people I will spend three weeks with, but i am not worried because I can always find people to talk to..... And most people don't know that the real.me, inside, is very shy!
So, I don't think shyness goes away, but you can decide to act differently... And it does get easier
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 10, 2014 13:05:22 GMT
I am not at all shy. I am probably one of the loud ones. That does not mean I don't, at times, feel invisible. For me, it's that as a caregiver, I sometimes feel like no one thinks about what I might need.
GAR - a slight hijack of the original topic, but I can assure you, the Americans here LOVE the perspective of our Peas from all corners of the world. I am fascinated by the differences and similarities.
OP, take those baby steps and join the loud ones. Maybe you catch us one on one. Any advice for us to help you? I had a new coworker a while back that I believe truly had a social anxiety disorder, like my granddaughter. This is far, far from shyness. I tried to reach out to him. I found one topic, the Green Bay Packers, that we could talk about.
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Post by gar on Aug 10, 2014 13:16:22 GMT
Mikklynn, thank you, it's kind of you to say so |
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scrappington
Pearl Clutcher
in Canada
Posts: 3,139
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Post by scrappington on Aug 10, 2014 13:29:08 GMT
I can relate to this. And I don't have any advice cause I can't seem to get myself out of it as well.
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styxgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,943
Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on Aug 10, 2014 13:46:47 GMT
I've never been super-shy. As long as I can remember back, teachers a
ways commented on my classroom talkativeness. LOL
in high school, I was loud and normal around my circle of friends but self conscious around the "popular" or "rich" kids. I was always worried about what they would think of me.
now, as a grown-up, like many people do, I realized, who gives a crap what "they" thought!
my DH was a major, major factor in building up my self confidence and making sure I am able to be me, no matter who was around.
I am still careful and aware at my job, because I am trying to be professional when I'm there.
in my life I am lucky to have my DH, kids and awesome BFFS that I can really let my hair down with. :-)
OP, best wishes to you as you go on your journey!
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It's getting easier because I consciously recognise and try to remember that other people do that, they say the wrong thing/say something daft and I don't think any less of them! I don't suddenly look at colleagues/friends/neighbours and decide I don't like them or don't respect them any more because they said one thing 'wrong'. It's forgotten in a moment or two and I've found it helps to keep that in the front of my mind when I get those thoughts.
