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Post by jenjie on Oct 18, 2016 14:31:17 GMT
If you have lost someone important to you, do you commemorate their birthday? If so, how? Is it because you want or feel a need? Or because you think you should do SOMETHING to mark the day? Does it make you feel "good" or is it awkward or painful? Or all of the above? Is the same true or the anniversary of their death?
Yesterday was dh's birthday. Last year his entire family got together at his favorite restaurant. This time I wanted to do something with just me and the kids. The day before, we had visited the cemetery but I don't think there is a strong pull for them. I haven't ordered a stone yet but my niece made a really sweet sentimental marker that will stay even after the stone is in place.
We batted around a few ideas of something to do but it all went to pot. Ds11 had a ton of homework (he usually only has one subject homework on Monday) and ds18 wasn't feeling well. We went to friendly's for dinner and came right home. Of course I'm yelling at ds11 to work so we can go and he is being obstinate.
We finally get there. We eat and nobody wants to talk about dad. We come home and have no time to play games like we had talked about because of homework. (Btw I had asked the teacher if she could give it early so ds could get it done over the weekend. She didn't do that, piled on extra homework, and on the way out the door told ds to work quickly bc of our important plans. Any illusion I might have had about controlling things is shattered.)
We ate apple cider donuts, same as when we celebrated Fred's last birthday with us. Little guy wanted to put candles in, put it at Fred's spot at the table, and sing happy birthday. I did it for his sake but nobody else wanted to sing. Then he decides "it feels pagan because we're acting like dad is here with us." We all laughed and said it was your idea!
The only thing we did that I felt was meaningful was to order k-cups and have them sent to the hospital on Fred's behalf. I contacted the nurses to let them know it would be coming and why. So I think I would like to do SOMETHING each year for somebody. I don't know if it will be the same or something different each time. But the whole birthday dinner thing was a no go for us.
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,811
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Oct 18, 2016 14:39:30 GMT
I think I like your idea about doing something for someone in Fred's name. What a good way to honor him. Maybe each year you, as a family, decide who will be the recipient.
For my mom's birthday, I like to spend it alone doing things she like to do. It makes me feel closer to her and I feel I honor her. Since my dad and sister live so far away, there is not an option to do anything together.
This summer when we all were together, we spent time at her grave site and made new flower arrangements for her and my grandma and grandpa. It was a really nice time for the three of us to be together, talking about mom and crafting (just what she loved to do!).
Happy birthday to Fred. Sending hugs to your family.
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Post by scrapsotime on Oct 18, 2016 14:40:51 GMT
My dad's birthday and my parent's anniversary are only 20 days apart. After all us kids were grown they always took a mom on a trip some time that month. For several years after dad died my sister and I would take mom on trips during that same time period. She got away from an empty house and we still felt like we were celebrating both occasions in a way.
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Post by mikklynn on Oct 18, 2016 15:04:25 GMT
I used to try to get DH to acknowledge his dad's birthday by taking his mom to dinner or at least calling her. He wanted to do nothing, so I let it go.
I think enjoying something my loved one enjoyed, like apple cider donuts, is what we usually do. We were very close to DH's grandma, so for a long time we'd eat lemon meringue pie on her birthday, as she was famous for hers.
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basketdiva
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by basketdiva on Oct 18, 2016 15:11:54 GMT
Some years I make my Mom's famous cake. Some years I do nothing ( it's been 20 years). Some years for on my Dad's birthday I will order a Sam Adams beer the weekend closets to his birthday. We all take a drink, toast him and then leave in the middle of the table.
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Post by Linda on Oct 18, 2016 15:13:58 GMT
I think you (and your kids) have to do what's right for YOU.
We didn't do anything special to celebrate my Dad's birthday after he passed but he had never been big into celebrating it when he was alive (probably because as a depression-era child b. 1925 to a very poor family - he didn't grow up celebrating it). I do make a point of phoning my mum that day. He died when I was 19 and my sisters were 14 and 39.
A friend of mine whose mother died when she was in her early 20's (she was the oldest of 5 - youngest sibling was not quite 7) - they celebrate their mum's birthday by going out for ice cream every year - I think that may have been a birthday tradition before she passed. The little one turned 26 this year so it's been a fairly long-standing tradition and one that the now-grand-children enjoy as well.
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Post by secondlife on Oct 18, 2016 15:20:31 GMT
We used to have lasagna and put up the Christmas tree on my brother's birthday because that's what he liked to do.
It is now also my daughter's birthday and so we have new traditions.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Oct 18, 2016 15:27:50 GMT
I always do something to remember my Mom on her birthday.
This year my daughter was performing in a show and we had a group of about 15 family and friends who had dinner after the show, so all the grown ups toasted my Mom with a Bailey's at the end of dinner, my Mom's favorite. My sister and brother were there with their spouses, we made a point of talking about how proud my Mom would have been of my daughter and how much she would have enjoyed seeing her perform.
I don't do the same thing every year, but I try to remember her on her birthday.
My BIL died a couple of years ago, my sister and her kids who are adults, try to recognize him around his birthday. He was born near Father's Day so they sometimes remember on FD.
They tend to do the things that he loved, go to the symphony, go sailing on Lake Michigan. Share a bottle of wine in his "man cave".
I would continue to try and remember your husband on his birthday I'm sure it will be memorable to your kids.
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Post by refugeepea on Oct 18, 2016 15:28:44 GMT
I try to forget the day, it's too painful. I tried the commemorating idea once and I still felt the same. I think of them on their birthday, but prefer to be alone. My mom is the same way.
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Post by Anne-Marie on Oct 18, 2016 15:34:49 GMT
Thinking about you and your kiddos, and Fred.
I was much older than your kiddos when I lost my dad - I was an adult just starting my own family. I'm an only child so for the first few years my mom and I made sure to find a way to be together for his birthday. One of his favorite things was Dairy Queen banana splits so wherever we were, Mom and I would go to DQ and get an ice cream - the only time my kiddos were ever allowed to have ice cream for dinner.
As time went by and kids got older and things got busier, we fell away from our tradition. Mom lives over an hour from my family so sometimes it just doesn't work. Dad's birthday was last week and I was well aware of what day it was but I guess I hadn't said anything to Mom so she asked me if I knew. I felt awful because of course I knew but I should've made sure she knew that I remembered. It ended up being a really hard day, which isn't always the case. Some years I make it through ok but this year, no. I called her that evening and pretty much fell apart when I heard her answer the phone.
All of that to say . . . I'm sorry that the birthday dinner plan didn't work out as you had hoped. But I pray you and the kids will find a way that does work to celebrate Fred's birthday, I think it is important for all of you.
Hugs . . . and I am so sorry.
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Post by lucyg on Oct 18, 2016 15:43:25 GMT
Not sure I was supposed to, but I laughed at your birthday dinner chaos.  I can't honestly remember what we did for my DH's first birthday after he died ... probably went to the cemetery as I was going almost daily that first year. (I only go once or twice a year now.) But we did (me and several friends) go out for cocktails and dinner to celebrate his 50th birthday, years later. I also remember going out with my siblings to celebrate what would have been our grandfather's 100th birthday, to his favorite restaurant. I love your idea of doing something good for someone each year to mark his birthday. Wish I'd thought of that. |
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flopsykitty
Full Member
Posts: 180
Jun 26, 2014 18:08:12 GMT
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Post by flopsykitty on Oct 18, 2016 15:45:17 GMT
I lost my Mom in 2011. Every year since then on her birthday, I make strawberry jam, because it's the perfect time of year (mid-June) and it's something she taught me to do. I have no kids of my own, so I have been teaching my nieces (with their mother's permission) the things my mother taught me, passing her knowledge along. It helps me remember the good times, and keeps me busy, which helps with feelings of depression.
In time, you will find a ritual that works for your family. My thoughts are with you.
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Post by justkat on Oct 18, 2016 16:33:02 GMT
My late husband: I go to church that morning and light a candle. I choose an officer (late husband was a cop) from a department that doesn't provide body armour and outfit him. I do it anonymously but in my heart it's done in my husband's name. My husband usually takes me to dinner that night and we'll toast late husband. (My husband is an amazing man and I'm lucky to have him. ) My dad: If the family is together, we have dinner and toast my dad. We'll talk about him, tell stories. Basically laugh and cry and just remember him. We each make a charitable donation in his name and we'll tell to whom and why we made the donation. If we're not together I light a candle at church, talk to family throughout the day via text/email whatever and we'll share stories/memories that way. I still do the charitable donation as do most of my siblings and my mother. My son: I don't do this on his birthday but it's in memory of him/his birthday. I make a huge donation to a local (underfunded) school once a year. It's a large delivery of various school supplies and a cheque. I do it anonymously but again in my heart it's in my son's name. I have fun picking out all the supplies and packing them up. |
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maurchclt
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,624
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Post by maurchclt on Oct 18, 2016 16:37:09 GMT
It's the little rituals that are important to your family. My dad loved taking all of us out to breakfast,
I HOP. So to celebrate his birthday we now go to I HOP every year and have breakfast and think about him. What's great is our family is scattered all over the country and we all get to do it "together".
Hugs.
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Deleted
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Jun 1, 2024 6:41:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2016 16:38:22 GMT
I send my grandson's birthday check to a charity that I think he would like. His mom,dad,brothers, & sister go out for dinner. That's what they do for everyone'so bday.
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Post by llinin on Oct 18, 2016 17:15:35 GMT
I haven't lost a spouse, but my parents died 2 weeks apart and last year my 45 year old sister died of cancer. I think all of us want to remember them, but doing a birthday dinner seems too forced. So, we all have our own little things we do.
My Mom's birthday was Halloween. I have given out full size candy bars every year since she died, the kids love it and that is my way to celebrate her. Now we live in a neighborhood where we get tons of kids, so the first 180 get full size bars and the rest get little ones.
Every year I put out a grave blanket around Thanksgiving (they died 11/25 and 12/9), that is my remembrance of their passing.
I don't have any special rituals for my Dad's birthday other than flowers, I usually put an evergreen thing out for it.
For my sister who just died, I made a special vase planter at our family craft night to include her, which I put out in the columbarium this week, so did our other sister.
We all just check in with each other and every person does their own thing.
I do like that I have my annual things I do, it feels like an appropriate thing without being contrived. No matter how I feel each year, I can always pull those things off. We tried other things (balloons, etc.) but they weren't really "us" if that makes sense.
Sorry it didn't go how you had planned, be easy on yourself.
Laura
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,540
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Post by bethany102399 on Oct 18, 2016 17:28:43 GMT
I think you (and your kids) have to do what's right for YOU. I would agree with this. Do what works for you and your family, whatever that looks like at the moment. Dad's birthday is the day after DD's. I'm usually so stressed trying to get her party/outing together that I don't have time to be upset/sad/happy on the day. My Mom gets very upset and depressed around that time, and again at Christmas which was his favorite season. I try to balance hearing her out with my own holiday issues as well as keeping the magic alive for my own kids (which I know is what he would have wanted). |
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Post by scrapmaven on Oct 18, 2016 17:47:54 GMT
Birthdays were huge in my house. I think I might start doing something small to honor my parents on their birthdays. Perhaps baking something I know they would have loved. Mom baked a lemon meringue pie for dad every year. I could do that. It's been many years, but sometimes it feels like they just passed away. I miss them terribly.
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Post by jenjie on Oct 18, 2016 17:50:55 GMT
refugeepea I'm so sorry for your hurt. Anne-Marie it's so hard to know what to do sometimes or how someone will react. Your poor mom. And poor you. I'll be honest I didn't think to call my in-laws. I did see them the day before, only because they stopped by to show off their new truck. Last year I took them a planter and thanked them for giving me my husband. lucyg you know I'm always up for a good laugh! I would probably be laughing if it happened to someone else. My bff asked if she was supposed to laugh.
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Post by jenjie on Oct 18, 2016 17:51:42 GMT
I lost my Mom in 2011. Every year since then on her birthday, I make strawberry jam, because it's the perfect time of year (mid-June) and it's something she taught me to do. I have no kids of my own, so I have been teaching my nieces (with their mother's permission) the things my mother taught me, passing her knowledge along. It helps me remember the good times, and keeps me busy, which helps with feelings of depression. In time, you will find a ritual that works for your family. My thoughts are with you. I love everything about this! What a wonderful idea. |
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Post by jenjie on Oct 18, 2016 17:53:59 GMT
My late husband: I go to church that morning and light a candle. I choose an officer (late husband was a cop) from a department that doesn't provide body armour and outfit him. I do it anonymously but in my heart it's done in my husband's name. My husband usually takes me to dinner that night and we'll toast late husband. (My husband is an amazing man and I'm lucky to have him. ) My dad: If the family is together, we have dinner and toast my dad. We'll talk about him, tell stories. Basically laugh and cry and just remember him. We each make a charitable donation in his name and we'll tell to whom and why we made the donation. If we're not together I light a candle at church, talk to family throughout the day via text/email whatever and we'll share stories/memories that way. I still do the charitable donation as do most of my siblings and my mother. My son: I don't do this on his birthday but it's in memory of him/his birthday. I make a huge donation to a local (underfunded) school once a year. It's a large delivery of various school supplies and a cheque. I do it anonymously but again in my heart it's in my son's name. I have fun picking out all the supplies and packing them up. So beautiful. All of it. What a wonderful way to remember your loved ones. And your husband is a gem. |
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Post by jenjie on Oct 18, 2016 18:01:33 GMT
maurchclt what a wonderful idea! Apart but together. llinin "I do like that I have my annual things I do, it feels like an appropriate thing without being contrived. No matter how I feel each year, I can always pull those things off. We tried other things (balloons, etc.) but they weren't really "us" if that makes sense." Yes I think this is where we're at, trying to see what will fit us. Trial and error I guess. bethany102399 that's a difficult balancing act. scrapmaven I'm sorry. Lemon meringue pie sounds like a great idea.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Oct 18, 2016 18:19:24 GMT
My late husband: I go to church that morning and light a candle. I choose an officer (late husband was a cop) from a department that doesn't provide body armour and outfit him. I do it anonymously but in my heart it's done in my husband's name. My husband usually takes me to dinner that night and we'll toast late husband. (My husband is an amazing man and I'm lucky to have him. ) My dad: If the family is together, we have dinner and toast my dad. We'll talk about him, tell stories. Basically laugh and cry and just remember him. We each make a charitable donation in his name and we'll tell to whom and why we made the donation. If we're not together I light a candle at church, talk to family throughout the day via text/email whatever and we'll share stories/memories that way. I still do the charitable donation as do most of my siblings and my mother. My son: I don't do this on his birthday but it's in memory of him/his birthday. I make a huge donation to a local (underfunded) school once a year. It's a large delivery of various school supplies and a cheque. I do it anonymously but again in my heart it's in my son's name. I have fun picking out all the supplies and packing them up. |
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Deleted
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Jun 1, 2024 6:41:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2016 18:42:44 GMT
Hugs to all of you missing a loved one. Some lovely ideas here.
Mom's birthday is 12/22. Last year was the first as she died the April before. Mom loved to shop & buy clothes for me & my kids. So my adult DD and I spend Mom's birthday shopping for ourselves at the best shopping mall in town with the proceeds from Mom's estate sale. We bought for ourselves, makeup, shoes, a sweater. We ate lunch in a place we love & ended the day with a tropical tea.
Mom would have loved it.
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Post by mellyw on Oct 18, 2016 18:42:50 GMT
Tomorrow will be hard no matter what I do. My Niece would have been 26 tomorrow, & frankly, it still hurts like Hell that she's gone. I think we're a lick your wounds in private kind of family. We all touch base with each other, but don't do anything per say. I'll call my sister & we'll talk about good times, but I take my cues from her, & she wants to be with her DH & just left alone. So I respect that.
I think you do what's right for your family, Jenjie, whatever that may be. Please don't feel there is a right or wrong way, it's remembering your loved one the best way you know how. And your dinner did put a smile on my face, so thank you for sharing that.
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Post by littlemama on Oct 18, 2016 19:04:25 GMT
No, we really don't. We acknowledge the day, particularly FIL's bday as it is the same as DH's bday, but we don't do anything special for it. If you feel called to do something, then by all means, do. If you don't, then don't. Each family handles things differently, and you cant worry about being judged for your choices - it is up to no one but you and your children what you do or don't do.
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artbabe
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,050
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Post by artbabe on Oct 18, 2016 23:42:43 GMT
Dad and I sitting at a bar after work:
Me: You know it is Mom's birthday today.
Dad: Yep. I know.
(Silence as we both stare into space and drink our beer)
...and that was the end of the commemoration.
But everyone is different and you have to do what is right for you.
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Post by melanell on Oct 18, 2016 23:58:40 GMT
I like to remember the birthdays of deceased love ones as opposed to the anniversary of their death. Some years I don't do anything in particular, other years I do.
Since FB came about, I typically change my avatar to their photo on their birthday. It brings about discussion about them and memories are shared, and I really like that.
Lately I've been doing something that reminds me of the person, or going someplace that means something in reference to them---their hometown, or a place we went together, etc. I bring my kids or do whatever with the kids, because I realize that it helps them better "know" people they never got to meet and to better remember those who passed away when they were very young.
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Post by lostwithout2peas on Oct 19, 2016 0:39:49 GMT
My dad has been gone 4 years. Usually we take a birthday cake to the cemetery and sing happy birthday to him and sit around as a family and talk, laugh, cry and eat cake. May seem creepy to some but we are very comfortable at the cemetery and this is where we go to talk to Dad and what not.
This past year we decided to all meet up in a place that was near and dear ro his heart and where he was the happiest: Sedona. We had an awesome time being together, laughing, talking & crying about dad. And it was not only just us brothers, sisters, and grandchildren, but also cousins and my uncle. Our extended family has suffered great loses this year, 4 deaths one right after another. So it was nice to not only celebrate my Dads life, but also reminisce about our other loved ones we lost so recently and help them heal, cause we know the pain of losing a parent and knew what they where going thru.
It was a memorable time, playing in Oak creek in the sunshine with our family, toasting Dad, and at this point being very grateful for what we have together as a family and feeling like Dad was close to us, happy and proud of how we were carrying on as a family and helping each other thru it all.
We decided to make it a yearly tradition for Dads birthday, to all spend it together in Sedona.
It's been a rough road to get to this point. No way would I have wanted to do this the 1st birthday without him. We cried and cried as we sang happy birthday to him at the cemetery and I felt like my heart was breaking all over again. But as time has passed, I wouldn't say it's gotten easier, I would say it's gotten bareable.
It's never easy, whatever you decide to do cause the person your celebrating isn't there with you.
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Post by leslie132 on Oct 19, 2016 3:30:16 GMT
Honestly......no matter what I choose to do on Kennedy's birthday I always feel rushed and agitated! I think I want it to be so perfect that I make myself crazy. Special ways for us to celebrate are favorite dinners at home....my son picks the meal. Do some simple acts of kindness and I try to have a dessert. I also make a point to get to her grave and take flowers for the fall season. Her bday typically starts the season off!
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