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Post by Dixie Lou on Aug 12, 2014 22:16:53 GMT
We planned a trip to the beach about three weeks ago. My DD3's boyfriend is not from here and loves the beach so we invited him. It's about a 5 or 6 hour drive for us. We also invited my DD2's boyfriend. We rented a three bedroom beach house and planned to stay 3 nights. The plan was to leave Thursday morning to get in by check-in time which is 4:00. We'd return on Sunday evening. Both DD's are leaving for college on Monday. DD3's boyfriend is driving with her since her school is 24 hours away. They've made the drive before to visit his family. Anyway, beach trip is two daughters, two boyfriends, my DH and me.
DD3's boyfriend's company travels. He doesn't find out if he is traveling usually until the day of travel. They have a work meeting in the morning, make their plans and leave. Most of the time they stay in the general area but not always.
Come to find out, DD3's boyfriend, never asked his boss for the days off to go to the beach. Today he found out they are traveling to a city three hours away for the rest of the week. Here are the possibilities:
1. He doesn't come to the beach. Worst case scenario because DD3 will be devastated as we planned this around when HE said he could come and when the rest of us could go. Big sister will have her boyfriend and her not having hers there will suck for her and be a sad ending to her summer the weekend before she leaves for college.
2. Boss may let him leave early. It's possible we could go out and get him (three hours away from the beach where we'll be) Thursday night. This is not a horrible situation as long as DD3 and I take a second car and drive from our home to where he is and then to the beach. That would mean 7-ish hours in the car as opposed to 5 or 6. DH and DD2 and boyfriend could drive on out there as planned. DD3 wouldn't leave the house until 5 or later because he gets off work late at night.
3. We COULD go ahead and drive with the rest of the family to the beach, drop them off and go and get him either Thursday night or Friday morning. If it was Thursday night we'd probably have to stay the night somewhere in a hotel since DD3 and I would have been on the road 12 hours or more.
We rented an SUV because six people and all of the beach stuff/clothes, etc. won't fit in any of our cars.
UGH! I love this kid and feel is he part of the family. I want to kick his rear-end now though. He WANTS to go with us. He's been excited and talking about it. He said he was scared to ask his boss. He called DD3 a clingy girlfriend when she got upset. I know he is feeling the pressure from both sides here but he said he would go three weeks ago! If he couldn't go we wouldn't have invited the other boyfriend and would've stayed in a hotel instead of the freakin' beach house.
Thank you for seeing me through this!
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Post by stampnscrap1128 on Aug 12, 2014 22:21:12 GMT
I say go with your original plans and tell the boyfriend to figure out how he will join you. It shouldn't be your responsibility, especially since he lacks the maturity to talk to his boss and called your daughter clingy.
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Post by Dixie Lou on Aug 12, 2014 22:26:28 GMT
I'd normally say that too. Problem with it is he does not have a car and normally works straight through until late Saturday night. In that case he would not join us at all.
That's definitely a possibility though.
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Post by angieh1996 on Aug 12, 2014 22:41:48 GMT
I'd continue with my plans and go. If he wasn't responsible enough to take the time off then I guess he doesn't go. Not the end of the world.
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Deleted
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Oct 9, 2024 20:21:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2014 22:46:14 GMT
I would go ahead with your plans and he if can make it great....if not you have fun anyway. If he is old enough to hold down a job, then he should be old enough and responsible enough to make arangements to get the time off. It's not your job to make sure he has a vacation.
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amom23
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Post by amom23 on Aug 12, 2014 22:50:36 GMT
I have to agree with everyone else and tell you to go ahead with your original plans.
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Post by maryland on Aug 12, 2014 23:18:49 GMT
I may be confused with the distances, but could you all drive out. Then your daughter can drive the 3 hrs. to pick up her boyfriend and bring him back. Of course then you wouldn't have a car for the evening, but could that work? I agree that you should go ahead as planned, but if your daughter really wants to pick him up, maybe that would work out. (Again, I may have the locations confused, and it may be way out of the way to do what I said!).
So frustrating when plans don't go as expected. I can see my daughter doing the same thing as the boyfriend (when she is a working adult). She knew for months that we were going to Florida for Easter break. She was afraid to tell her track coach until the day before she left! She got into trouble for that and didn't letter because she missed a meet while on the trip and she didn't tell coach in advance (he doesn't like the kids to go on vacation during track season).
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Post by carolynhasacat on Aug 12, 2014 23:30:38 GMT
I feel like if you continue to make your plans around him you are setting the precedent that he gets his way and you'll be able to accommodate him, no matter what he did/didn't do to hold up his end of the agreement.
If he marries your daughter and they have children and "make plans" to visit for Christmas he won't think he needs to stick to those plans because you've accommodated him in the past.
Just a possibility, but I'd draw the line now while it's not important rather than risk setting a pattern of accommodation.
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Post by Dixie Lou on Aug 12, 2014 23:32:22 GMT
Maryland, that was option 3 only I was going to go with her. She is 20 but I am nervous about her driving three hours alone on unfamiliar roads after she's been in the car all day. Then she'd drive back again (or he would be driving) for three hours and both would be exhausted. At night.
Option 2 is my husband's choice. It wouldn't hurt to have an extra car at the beach anyway, one that is not rented and the 20 and 22 year old can drive a bit. We'd have 22 year old, DD2, and her boyfriend drive it back and we'd have the original car. DD3 and boyfriend can ride in our car on the way home since DD3 is moving so far away.
My husband just mentioned that if we were going to take a second car anyway we wouldn't need the SUV and could save $400 on the rental. We were just getting the rental to have enough room for us all to go in one vehicle. This may work out...
If not, Option One it is.
And I understand totally what everyone is saying about him not being mature, responsible enough so he should miss the vacation. I agree. And if it were just HIM I'd be more inclined to just let him miss out. It's DD3 that will be punished and I want to work things out for her if possible. If not, I am hoping she can find another friend to come with us. Just at this late notice, I'm afraid everyone will have work or already left to go back to school.
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mallie
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Post by mallie on Aug 12, 2014 23:52:29 GMT
And I understand totally what everyone is saying about him not being mature, responsible enough so he should miss the vacation. I agree. And if it were just HIM I'd be more inclined to just let him miss out. It's DD3 that will be punished and I want to work things out for her if possible. If not, I am hoping she can find another friend to come with us. Just at this late notice, I'm afraid everyone will have work or already left to go back to school. I understand where you're coming from, but sometimes we have to NOT fix problems so our kids can learn life lessons. In this case, my dd might need to learn that her boyfriend is not responsible enough to be counted on, even when people have gone to a lot of trouble to accommodate him. If I cover up and compensate for that reality, she might not see it and later on, if it occurs again, she might have trouble seeing a pattern. Sometimes, no pain = no gain in wisdom.
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Nicole in TX
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Post by Nicole in TX on Aug 13, 2014 0:03:45 GMT
Your DD is not being 'punished' she is learning the personality traits, character, and quirks of her potential husband. She should take this as a flag about how he operates in life.
I guess I think back to my own parents when I read posts like this on 2Peas. My mom (and dad) was NEVER invested in any of my relationships like some Pea moms are in their children's.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 13, 2014 0:07:54 GMT
I say go with your original plans and tell the boyfriend to figure out how he will join you. It shouldn't be your responsibility, especially since he lacks the maturity to talk to his boss and called your daughter clingy. I totally agree. And I wouldn't be bending over backwards to help him join you. When someone shows you their true colors, believe them. (calling your dd "clingy"; being flaky about telling boss he needs time off).
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tracylynn
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Post by tracylynn on Aug 13, 2014 0:26:51 GMT
I agree - go ahead with your original plans and if he can figure it out, great. Your daughter isn't being punished - she's a grown up. Like someone else said, she's learning how her boyfriend operates. It's a learning experience.
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Post by anniefb on Aug 13, 2014 0:48:09 GMT
I agree - go ahead with your original plans and if he can figure it out, great. Your daughter isn't being punished - she's a grown up. Like someone else said, she's learning how her boyfriend operates. It's a learning experience. That ^^
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GiantsFan
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Post by GiantsFan on Aug 13, 2014 0:48:54 GMT
I agree that you should stick with the original plan. It's his fault he didn't ask for it off. Sorry but I don't' consider it "punishing" your DD. If she wants to spend the last weekend with BF she can make the choice to stay home with him . Or go to the beach house with family.
My mom was like a broken record saying "Life's not fair".
ETA: Sorry my post sounds kind of mean, but I've just listened to my coworker about her "poor" kid won't get to do (insert fun activity) because (insert best friend) got in trouble and can't.
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Post by keknj on Aug 13, 2014 1:21:25 GMT
I agree - go ahead with your original plans and if he can figure it out, great. Your daughter isn't being punished - she's a grown up. Like someone else said, she's learning how her boyfriend operates. It's a learning experience.
Yup, that. ^^^^
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Post by lightetc on Aug 13, 2014 1:28:10 GMT
Why does your daughter have to get him on Thursday night after driving all day? Is there a reason she can't go and get him Friday? The other 4 of you get a full day at the beach. Her and her boyfriend miss out because they didn't organise their life properly but they don't miss the whole weekend...
Again, at 20 they're adults and my parents, while accommodating and encouraging my relationships at that age, left us to sort logistics on our own.
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Post by spitfiregirl on Aug 13, 2014 1:28:30 GMT
Please stop putting so much effort into this. Go to the beach and have a great time. Let your dd and her bf work it out. Besides, maybe the boyfriend really didn't want to come.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2014 1:34:24 GMT
He's an adult - or supposed to be. He didn't handle his business on his end and now he cannot go to the beach. Such is life.
I am sure his GF will be upset. However, it is her decision if she allows his decision to ruin her final summer trip.
He's a turd for blaming his GF/your DD for his decision to not handle his time off request.
It's nice that you care but it's not your problem to fix, mom.
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LeaP
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Post by LeaP on Aug 13, 2014 1:36:08 GMT
I say go with your original plans and tell the boyfriend to figure out how he will join you. It shouldn't be your responsibility, especially since he lacks the maturity to talk to his boss and called your daughter clingy. The beach is nice and DD3 will find things to do without her boyfriend.
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Post by Lexica on Aug 13, 2014 1:56:08 GMT
I think your daughter needs to show him just how NOT clingy she can be and go ahead without him and have a great time. I think what this young man has done is incredibly rude and shows no respect to your daughter or to her parents, who planned this vacation around his schedule. There is no way in hell I would put out any more effort than you have done already. I would not drive to go get him simply because he was unable, for whatever reason, to ask for the time off. Your daughter is expressing her disappointment in his lack of maturity and respect for her. So what! She should be. If he tries to flip it back onto her, that's a big red flag in my book. That really irks me for your daughter's sake.
Don't try to accommodate this kid any more than you already have done. I know your daughter will be upset, but maybe you can spend some time talking to her over the weekend about what she deserves in a partner. If it was just not asking for time off, that would be one thing, and would still upset me, but to turn her upset about his failure to ask back onto her by calling her clingy is just over the top rude and very telling about his personality. I wonder if she had said, "Oh how sad for you. Well, I'll think of you while I'm at the beach!" if he would have then called her heartless. I sense manipulation and I don't like it at all.
Besides, how nice for your and your husband to get to spend some uninterrupted time with your youngest before she heads off to college! Your older daughter will be occupied, and you and your husband can spend quality time with your last little girl.
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scrapaddie
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Post by scrapaddie on Aug 13, 2014 3:17:28 GMT
I was happy to see the replies because I was horrified to see how willing you were to give up your vacation to accommodate this inconsiderate boy . I agree.... Let him work it out !
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2014 3:27:26 GMT
Why would he be scared to ask for some time off? The worst thing his boss could do is say no. And if the boss did say no, you wouldn't have arranged your entire vacation around the boyfriend. Seems like the boyfriend isn't really considerate of your time and effort, to be honest. Why would you go out of your way now to accomodate his lack of planning? I remember being your daughter's age. A lot of times my plans didn't work out to be exactly the way I wanted them to. It's part of life. I survived. Your daughter will, too.
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Post by Dixie Lou on Aug 13, 2014 3:47:10 GMT
You are all right. Thank you for showing me an outside perspective. It's hard when you're living in the middle of it.
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anniebygaslight
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Post by anniebygaslight on Aug 13, 2014 5:43:29 GMT
I say go with your original plans and tell the boyfriend to figure out how he will join you. It shouldn't be your responsibility, especially since he lacks the maturity to talk to his boss and called your daughter clingy. Don't put yourself out by going to pick him up.
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Post by Megan on Aug 13, 2014 9:41:41 GMT
If he doesn't have a car, why can't he rent a car to get to the beach?
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Post by Florida Cindy on Aug 13, 2014 12:50:24 GMT
They are adults. Let them figure it out. DD can deal with her DB. It's his and her problem. Not your problem.
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grinningcat
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Post by grinningcat on Aug 13, 2014 12:53:43 GMT
They are adults. Let them figure it out. DD can deal with her DB. It's his and her problem. Not your problem. Exactly. If he can't get his shit together then he loses out. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Do not alter your plans for someone like that. And if your DD loses out too (though I don't see why since she doesn't work with him and his work schedule doesn't affect her ability to go with you), then so be it. Maybe next time they will learn to be responsible adults and plan things properly.
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Post by alibama on Aug 13, 2014 17:45:34 GMT
I too say stick with the original plan. I say this as someone who is tired of bending for others (my sil) he showed me his true colors and I love the guy I really do but I am not bending to make his life easier anymore. Its his turn to do some bending.
I hope you go to the beach and you have a wonderful time with your DDs!
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Post by sisterbdsq on Aug 13, 2014 17:50:22 GMT
If he doesn't have a car, why can't he rent a car to get to the beach? Because he's not old enough.
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