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Post by scrapbookwriter on Dec 26, 2016 23:01:18 GMT
I believe you taught your children to respect & give another chance to the people they love. Unfortunately, the blatant lack of involvement this year has prompted them to accept who he is & reassess whether to give him another chance. Please let each of them decide whether s/he wants to pursue a relationship with him & support this choice. Meanwhile, please choose to cut your ties with him (except in emergencies & major life events involving the children). I wish you & your children a lifetime of happiness! I just reading Marcy's post had an aha moment. I left him because I did not want to be treated that way. Then I turned around and expected them to accept it. I can't do that to them anymore. They do deserve to make their own choice. They are plenty old enough. Both of them see him for what he is. I guess I was having a hard time moving beyond the guilt of the fact that I stupidly chose him to be their father. I struggle with boundaries myself. I struggle with the idea that it doesn't mean I'm not a good person if I put my foot down and refuse to be mistreated myself. I am usually of the suck it up, put my own feelings aside, and pretend like everything is OK. I am going to try really hard to no longer feel sorry for him. I am so impressed with you. You have read the comments on this thread and Never once been upset or defensive. You have tried to apply the advice given and have gained some valuable insights. It takes a strong woman to do that. I admire you so much.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 26, 2016 23:09:05 GMT
scrapbookwriter I am just so frustrated and I was feeling pretty desperate. What I'm doing isn't working for any of us. I truly wanted to hear pea opinions. I wanted to try to come up with some kind of plan to deal better with him. I want to do what's best for my kids. They are hurting enough. I appreciate your kind words.
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Post by roberta on Dec 27, 2016 2:06:18 GMT
So much wisdom here.
Al-Anon sounds like a great idea. I have some experience with them.
Wishing you the best, this is a difficult and painful situation for everyone.
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Post by annabella on Dec 27, 2016 2:13:53 GMT
I think this goes beyond you doing the right thing for your kids. He's just playing a game with you, he enjoys manipulating you. He has no intention of having a relationship with his kids, that's just the guise for his calls to you. You're not responsible for him, you can't feel guilt for not taking his calls. If he emotionally drains you, you have to do what's right for your mental health. You also have to ask yourself, what is the point of him having a relationship with your kids? He's unstable and will only continue to hurt them. I would send him a text asking him to contact the children directly from now on as you will no longer be the middle man, then block his phone number.
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PaperAngel
Prolific Pea
![*](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/stars/star_green.png) ![*](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/stars/star_green.png)
Posts: 7,506
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Dec 27, 2016 3:30:36 GMT
I just reading Marcy's post had an aha moment. I left him because I did not want to be treated that way. Then I turned around and expected them to accept it. I can't do that to them anymore. They do deserve to make their own choice. They are plenty old enough. Both of them see him for what he is. I guess I was having a hard time moving beyond the guilt of the fact that I stupidly chose him to be their father. I struggle with boundaries myself. I struggle with the idea that it doesn't mean I'm not a good person if I put my foot down and refuse to be mistreated myself. I am usually of the suck it up, put my own feelings aside, and pretend like everything is OK. I am going to try really hard to no longer feel sorry for him. (Bold is mine) Please, please, please do not blame yourself. Only your ex-husband can chose to be a father/role-model/active in his children's lives; if you could make that choice for him, he would already be the ideal parent. Please take care of yourself, & best wishes! ETA: jeremysgirl - I apologize if my comments upset you. My intent was certainly not to criticize you (since I admire your dedication & the "uphill battle" you've fought for your children), but to give an objective opinion as an outsider who has admittedly not be in your situation. I wish you & your children peace & happiness! (((Hugs)))
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 27, 2016 3:39:18 GMT
PaperAngel I did not feel criticized by anyone on this thread. I specifically brought it here because I knew the peas would challenge me to look at things differently. What I'm doing isn't working for me or my kids. I needed to hear it objectively. And I really feel like I got what I was looking for. ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/MNrJDkDuSwqIMVw33MdD.jpg) Thank you.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,378
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Dec 27, 2016 3:50:07 GMT
While I agree with what everyone's posting, I don't think he's lying when he says he regrets the split & wants the OP back. He knows, intellectually, that he's ruined his life, and he's finally being confronted with the reality that it's too late to fix it. It's wrong of him to do it, but I can see struggling to see your kids because it reminds you of what you've lost/thrown away. I'm not saying it's ok - I'm saying it's human and to his brain, it makes sense.
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Post by scrapnatya on Dec 27, 2016 4:09:57 GMT
You are not responsible for everyone's happiness. I know when you see your daughter crying that it hurts you but she is old enough to learn that her father is not going to be the person she wants him to be. It is harmful to your well being having to deal with him. You need to cut him loose.
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anaterra
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,877
Location: Texas
Jun 29, 2014 3:04:02 GMT
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Post by anaterra on Dec 27, 2016 5:44:45 GMT
jeremysgirl I also admire the way you have taken the tone of this thread and not felt threatened or piled on... that could have easily been what you felt... I hope you can put into action what you learn and feel a lot less stress over this in the new year.... Good luck!!
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 27, 2016 6:35:06 GMT
While I agree with what everyone's posting, I don't think he's lying when he says he regrets the split & wants the OP back. He knows, intellectually, that he's ruined his life, and he's finally being confronted with the reality that it's too late to fix it. It's wrong of him to do it, but I can see struggling to see your kids because it reminds you of what you've lost/thrown away. I'm not saying it's ok - I'm saying it's human and to his brain, it makes sense. I'm trying to figure out how to put this into the right words. I, too, have a hard time believing he's just behaving like he is to manipulate me. When he said he still loves me, it kind of clicked for me. You see he was never really connected to our kids. But I was the one person who kept him together, as much as I could. Like for example his relationship with his parents. It was always rocky and I was always the one making peace. Now he doesn't have me and he hasn't seen his family in four years. He doesn't contact them, instead he prefers to contact me. He said that me inviting him to my house was the nicest thing anyone has done for him in a long time. I did not put the connection together that maybe seeing our kids is painful for him. Maybe it is. I know it's tough for him, especially with my son. My son and he just don't seem to connect at all. So I know he feels like he has a hard time relating to him. He has walked away from all his friends. It's like he can't connect with anybody but me. He was very dependent on me. He remarried about two months after we got divorced to a woman who is much younger. The kids say they have problems. She is tiring of his drinking. And he had a heart attack and a stroke this summer and his behavior has gotten worse since then. I would have thought that would have made him want to spend even more time with the kids but it has actually resulted in less time spent with them.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,378
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Dec 27, 2016 8:20:55 GMT
While I agree with what everyone's posting, I don't think he's lying when he says he regrets the split & wants the OP back. He knows, intellectually, that he's ruined his life, and he's finally being confronted with the reality that it's too late to fix it. It's wrong of him to do it, but I can see struggling to see your kids because it reminds you of what you've lost/thrown away. I'm not saying it's ok - I'm saying it's human and to his brain, it makes sense. I'm trying to figure out how to put this into the right words. I, too, have a hard time believing he's just behaving like he is to manipulate me. When he said he still loves me, it kind of clicked for me. You see he was never really connected to our kids. But I was the one person who kept him together, as much as I could. Like for example his relationship with his parents. It was always rocky and I was always the one making peace. Now he doesn't have me and he hasn't seen his family in four years. He doesn't contact them, instead he prefers to contact me. He said that me inviting him to my house was the nicest thing anyone has done for him in a long time. I did not put the connection together that maybe seeing our kids is painful for him. Maybe it is. I know it's tough for him, especially with my son. My son and he just don't seem to connect at all. So I know he feels like he has a hard time relating to him. He has walked away from all his friends. It's like he can't connect with anybody but me. He was very dependent on me. He remarried about two months after we got divorced to a woman who is much younger. The kids say they have problems. She is tiring of his drinking. And he had a heart attack and a stroke this summer and his behavior has gotten worse since then. I would have thought that would have made him want to spend even more time with the kids but it has actually resulted in less time spent with them. While of course I feel terrible for your children, and I hate the strain it causes you, as I read that, I can't help but have some empathy for the guy. He's so, so lost.
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