zztop11
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Posts: 2,573 
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Post by zztop11 on Dec 26, 2016 17:57:31 GMT
Another post mentioned the gifts she gets from her in-laws. I've been married since 1983 and my husband still gets me nothing. We had our family Chanuka party Saturday. Was there a gift from him to me? Of course not. And yes, it hurts. He is a good husband but this has always been a thorn. So here is this years story.
When I got home from visiting daughter and granddaughter last week, I noticed that my kitchenmaid mixer that I have have and worked perfectly fine is missing. Then I remembered how he had asked me, "Would you like a new red one". I had mentioned yes to that and/or black would also be nice. So of course I'm getting excited and am thinking that he has this big beautiful box hidden somewhere with my brand new red or black kitchenaid mixer hidden in it. We're opening up all of our chanukah gifts and there are no big beautiful boxes for me. At this point, I'm angry and I asked him where my mixer was. His answer. "I'm painting it for you." Was that supposed to be my gift? Was that supposed to be my gift for Chanukah next year when he is finished painting it? Then he tells me it is painted gray. Did I ever mention that I wanted a gray kitchenmaid mixer. Months and months ago, I told him that a car shop could paint it but that he should not because it won't look good. Did he take it to a car shop? Sunday morning, I ask him to bring it back upstairs because I want to make homemade waffles for my daughter who was visiting. He brings up one part of it and tells me that this particular part turned out the best. Between you and me, it looked like SH*T!!! I tell him not to worry because I'm already working on picking out my brand new RED kitchenmaid mixer. So he goes back downstairs and brings up the rest of my kitchenaid mixer. But HE CAN'T PUT IT BACK TOGETHER. HE CAN NOT GET IT TO WORK! So I take out my $10 hand mixer and whip the egg whites. Eat breakfast. Then go online and order my brand new RED 6 qt. kitchenmaid mixer from Costco for only $320 delivered in a couple days. But it still hurts. It always does.
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Post by warrior1991 on Dec 26, 2016 17:59:49 GMT
 I'm sorry. Sending hugs. |
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michellegb
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Jun 26, 2014 0:04:59 GMT
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Post by michellegb on Dec 26, 2016 18:02:35 GMT
I am so sorry. I have no words because I just cannot understand how buying a gift can be so hard for anyone. I also cannot understand for why your gift wasn't "done" for chanukah if that was his intention. Please go buy yourself the BEST red mixer ever (get the sparkly one - they're gorgeous). You deserve it.
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Post by myboysnme on Dec 26, 2016 18:06:46 GMT
This is a sad story. Somewhere along the way he decided giving gifts was not something he was willing to do. Of course the only thing you can do is make it a priority for him by letting him know in every possible way what it is you want and when you want it. I want a red kitchen aid mixer for Chanuka. If they don't have red I want black. Here's where you can get it from.
He has to learn it's important to you. He hasn't at this point. But it is possible.
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Post by Baseballmom23 on Dec 26, 2016 18:07:26 GMT
(((hugs))) my DH isn't a gifted either. He would give me money to buy my own gifts "cuz he doesn't know what to get me" Years of telling him whatever you think I like I would appreciate. I've never been ungrateful to anything he has bought me. Now that my kids are old enough to drive and go out on their own, he makes them do it.
I feel your pain sister.
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Post by papersilly on Dec 26, 2016 18:10:02 GMT
yikes! I say "A" for effort but "D" for execution. LOL. enjoy your really new mixer!
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
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Post by georgiapea on Dec 26, 2016 18:20:01 GMT
Oh, ZZTop, you gotta take control of this situation. First of all, go get yourself that red mixer. Then next year, decide what you want and go buy it. Wrap it from your DH and be excited when you open it. Thank him and try to get pix of his face looking all confused. My DH wouldn't know a good present if it slapped him in the face. I always get just what I want from him!
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Post by gmcwife1 on Dec 26, 2016 18:21:39 GMT
I'm sorry I'm really glad you ordered yourself a new red one. Such an odd thing for him to do |
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Post by jenjie on Dec 26, 2016 18:23:02 GMT
Oh wow. I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry.
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Post by utmr on Dec 26, 2016 18:38:03 GMT
Look, some people just suck at gift giving. It's not that they don't love you, it's just that gifting isn't in their skill set. Surely this isn't a surprise by now.
You can either sulk and pout and make everyone including yourself miserable or you can just deal with it.
Next time don't waste energy hinting around. Just buy it. If you see it in the store, pick it up. If it's online just order it. Then hand him the box and say , "here, wrap this". Unless you're going to be pissed that it's not wrapped right. Then do it yourself. Put it under the tree or under the menorah and be done with it. You're happy to have what you wanted, he's happy to not deal with it. A win win.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Dec 26, 2016 18:47:50 GMT
This is a sad story. Somewhere along the way he decided giving gifts was not something he was willing to do. Of course the only thing you can do is make it a priority for him by letting him know in every possible way what it is you want and when you want it. I want a red kitchen aid mixer for Chanuka. If they don't have red I want black. Here's where you can get it from. He has to learn it's important to you. He hasn't at this point. But it is possible. Yes, this. I kept getting emails from Lego with links to the Disney Castle set I wanted but would never buy for myself because it's expensive and even I can't justify spending that much money on Lego. I thought I missed out on it when it quickly sold out initially, so when it came back in stock online I forwarded the shopping link to it to DH's phone! Believe it or not, he actually followed through and bought it. First time ever, in over 30 years together. So there is hope! |
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maurchclt
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Post by maurchclt on Dec 26, 2016 18:48:04 GMT
I agree with utmr, gift giving is just not in his DNA, and rather than make yourself miserable and get upset, just buy yourself what you want.
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zztop11
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,573
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Post by zztop11 on Dec 26, 2016 18:49:44 GMT
Yeah, he sucks at gift giving. He is such a wonderful man. My mother in law used to tell me that he is too good for this world. It's true, he is. But he did not grown up in a gift giving family. I remember as a child, that my dad did not give my mother gifts either. He was from the depression era. I think that was part of it. I just see it as doing something for a person that you love. I know he loves me. But spontaneity, you can forget it. Oh yes, my birthday is Thursday  My new RED kitchenmaid will be for my birthday also |
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Post by iteach3rdgrade on Dec 26, 2016 19:20:07 GMT
Enjoy your new mixer! We don't really exchange gifts, but dh did surprise me this year. We buy things throughout the year and enjoy shopping together. I'd just buy your own things next year and let him be surprised.
I used to only ask for a card, but I've found myself not buying them anymore either. I save them, so I guess I don't miss them because I have too much stuff that I'm saving.
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Post by cmpeter on Dec 26, 2016 19:30:04 GMT
I am sorry. I would have been ticked too. Honestly, I don't get this "some people aren't gift givers" mentality. If my husband was like that we would have a serious talk. There are all sorts of things we don't grow up doing that we learn to do as adults and because we love our family and friends or just because it's the right thing to do.
I am mad for you!
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Post by aljack on Dec 26, 2016 19:39:36 GMT
This is just sad and well depressing to read that your husband can't even listen effectively(color selection). I am sorry. I know others have wittten similar responses but buy your own gift and wrap if necessary for these occasions. I know it's horrible to not be thought of in this manner but it sounds like he's not going to change.
Happy early birthday!
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Post by k8smom on Dec 26, 2016 19:48:47 GMT
You, my dear, are a saint. I'm proud of you for ordering your new mixer. Now pledge to order yourself something you really love every year and put his name on it. Every year! (Don't make me check up on you!)  |
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Dec 26, 2016 19:52:35 GMT
I'm so sorry.
And (((hugs)))
Enjoy the heck out of your new red mixer! Happy Chanuka and happy birthday coming up!!
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Post by miominmio on Dec 26, 2016 20:02:03 GMT
As someone who is married to a guy who is seriously lacking in the gift-giving department (there is a thread somewhere about the refurbished phone I got as a 20th anniversary present), I long ago learned to take matters into my own hands (after the thrash can with a flower pattern). He gets a list and a date, and if he hasn't bought the things on the list by that date, I will. And I will add other items too! I don't buy the "giftgiving isn't their love language" thing. It's about being considerate of the feelings of the person you love.
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leeny
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Jun 27, 2014 1:55:53 GMT
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Post by leeny on Dec 26, 2016 20:14:35 GMT
So sorry this happened. Another one here who's dh isn't a gift giver, except the year he gave me a float tube and waders for fishing. He was so excited. I tried it once, I get he wanted to do something together, but I hated it since I don't swim and have a fear of being in the water (which he knows). Not only is he not a gift giver, but he is bad at accepting gifts. I hate that. His Mom was the same way. She truly showed him how not to be.
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AnotherPea
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Post by AnotherPea on Dec 26, 2016 20:14:43 GMT
I am so sorry. I know it hurts.
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Post by freecharlie on Dec 26, 2016 21:57:19 GMT
Look, some people just suck at gift giving. It's not that they don't love you, it's just that gifting isn't in their skill set. Surely this isn't a surprise by now. You can either sulk and pout and make everyone including yourself miserable or you can just deal with it. Next time don't waste energy hinting around. Just buy it. If you see it in the store, pick it up. If it's online just order it. Then hand him the box and say , "here, wrap this". Unless you're going to be pissed that it's not wrapped right. Then do it yourself. Put it under the tree or under the menorah and be done with it. You're happy to have what you wanted, he's happy to not deal with it. A win win. sucking at gift giving is one thing. Never bothering to try is another. Buying her own gifts is an option, but damn it, he could get her something. |
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Post by freecharlie on Dec 26, 2016 22:00:34 GMT
Oh, ZZTop, you gotta take control of this situation. First of all, go get yourself that red mixer. Then next year, decide what you want and go buy it. Wrap it from your DH and be excited when you open it. Thank him and try to get pix of his face looking all confused. My DH wouldn't know a good present if it slapped him in the face. I always get just what I want from him! or more an amazon wish list and tell him to order from it. If he can't show you packages by x date, give a friend a gc or money and tell her to pick the presents so you can be somewhat surprised. Dh used to suck at gift giving. He's gotten much better over the years and I appreciate the thought and effort. |
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scrappyesq
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You have always been a part of the heist. You're only mad now because you don't like your cut.
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Post by scrappyesq on Dec 26, 2016 22:06:14 GMT
I'm sorry op.
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Post by AussieMeg on Dec 26, 2016 22:46:13 GMT
Look, some people just suck at gift giving. It's not that they don't love you, it's just that gifting isn't in their skill set. Surely this isn't a surprise by now. sucking at gift giving is one thing. Never bothering to try is another. Buying her own gifts is an option, but damn it, he could get her something. Yeah, this. I understand not being good at choosing gifts. But it's not that hard to buy someone (not just someone - their wife of 33 years!!) a boring old gift card and her favorite chocolates or some flowers. |
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Post by SweetieBugs on Dec 26, 2016 23:07:16 GMT
I've been married 22 years so that is 22 birthdays, 22 anniversaries and 22 Christmases (plus, we were together 2 more years before getting married). So more than 66 gift giving opportunities. I would say he has gifted me maybe 10 times. Yes, you read that correctly. He grew up in a family that was too "practical" for gift giving or doing anything that seems special. I tried to make our first few years' celebrations special but learned that it just didn't matter to him at all. It is a sad way to be but there really isn't any changing him. I buy my own special gifts to myself now.
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J u l e e
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Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Dec 26, 2016 23:16:53 GMT
I admit that I don't love giving gifts. I want to be thoughtful and creative, and I am at other things, but I have a mental block about gifts for people. I love to give people random things throughout the year when there's no pressure, but occasions make me freeze up for some reason.
But, you know what?! That's just tough. That does not let me off the hook from actually putting forth some effort for the people I love. It just doesn't. I listen. I keep notes in my phone. I pay attention. Good grief, I even ask!! Unless your head is so far up your own behind that you don't notice that gift giving is a common theme at Christmas to show love and appreciation for people important to you, there isn't an excuse for not finding something to give your own wife. We can talk love languages into the ground, but consideration for others shouldn't be that foreign a concept.
Of course, communication about what is important to you and what you'd like needs to be a part of the relationship, etc. etc. etc., but dang it, I can't stand to read that some people don't even get Christmas gifts from their own spouses (when they've indicated that it's important to them). I read Chritmas gift threads sometimes and just want to kick a bunch of people in the ass(es). Or just sit both people down and say "talk about this, damnit!"
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Post by M~ on Dec 26, 2016 23:55:51 GMT
That's just insensitive. Sorry. I hate the "gift giving is not his/her/mine" love language deal. I think it's a lame excuse.
If anyone cares to observe, you can figure out what people like. People talk, don't they? I am considered to be a "very thoughtful gift giver." I pay attention.
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Post by destined2bmom on Dec 27, 2016 0:09:01 GMT
I am sorry OP. Have you let him know how heartbroken you are that he doesn't get you anything? Maybe DD could go shopping with him to help him pick out gifts for you.
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blue tulip
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Post by blue tulip on Dec 27, 2016 0:19:31 GMT
That's just insensitive. Sorry. I hate the "gift giving is not his/her/mine" love language deal. I think it's a lame excuse. If anyone cares to observe, you can figure out what people like. People talk, don't they? I am considered to be a "very thoughtful gift giver." I pay attention. This. I understand how "get me something you think I'll like" can be really hard for people, and so don't say that unless you know they can handle it. Otherwise, a list and even where to get it should be all that's needed. If a person can't get it done with that, barring sickness or financial reasons, then they just don't care enough to make making you happy a priority, IMO. |
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I'm sorry. Sending hugs.
My new RED kitchenmaid will be for my birthday also 
