johnnysmom
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Jan 12, 2017 2:56:28 GMT
Ds15 was asked by a girl (just a friend as of now) to the dance this weekend. He said yes but also said he should the one to ask and he wants to do it in person.
My first thought was "aw that's sweet" followed almost immediately by "omg I hope he didn't offend her".
What do you think? I didn't say anything to him one way or the other.
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Post by 950nancy on Jan 12, 2017 3:04:39 GMT
I think kids are raised differently and what is normal in one house might not be normal in another. I think it is sweet unless he shows other signs of dominance just enjoy that he wants to be a gentleman.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 21:44:37 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2017 5:19:50 GMT
Is this their first date? Maybe he's been interested in her for a while, but had not gotten around to asking her out yet and is disappointed that he lost that chance to show an interest first.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 21:44:37 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2017 5:28:15 GMT
I"m going to go with chauvinistic. Why does a girl have to wait for him?
I think you aught to find out what is at the root of his feeling... and see how you feel about his thoughts if you were a young lady waiting for a date from a guy who never thinks of you as being date-able (or hire-able or ________)
Chivalrous is giving up his seat or his coat to a cold female; or otherwise sacrificing his comfort for her's. Expecting her to wait for his attention is #1 in the chauvinistic list.
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Post by scraphollie27 on Jan 12, 2017 5:43:20 GMT
I'm also thinking chauvinistic and would want to know why he thought he should be the one to ask. Why is his need to ask first more important than her need to ask at all?
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Post by terri on Jan 12, 2017 9:11:05 GMT
Just reading this I had the same gut reaction as OP. First I thought chivalrous but then I leaned toward chauvinist. However my final thought was he expresssed what he is comfortable with. The young lady that asked him also has the right to say that doesn't work for her and can find another date. I think romantic involvements, from dates to marriages, work best when people are honest about what works for them. So I don't think either label really applies.
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pilcas
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Post by pilcas on Jan 12, 2017 10:26:56 GMT
Well, didn't she already ask? In that case he either says yes or no. Too late to ask her now. I think at this point it is chauvinistic for him to think he needs to ask her as a formality.
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kibblesandbits
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Post by kibblesandbits on Jan 12, 2017 10:30:34 GMT
She already asked? And he said yes? AND he told her that he should be the one to ask? Dick move. Not sure I'm understanding - did he say yes to her, and then tell YOU he should have been the one to ask?
Either way - girls are free to get their own - don't have to wait for a guy to get his nerve up. Isn't the dance this weekend? When exactly was he going to get around to asking her?
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jan 12, 2017 10:53:30 GMT
Ds15 was asked by a girl (just a friend as of now) to the dance this weekend. He said yes but also said he should the one to ask and he wants to do it in person. My first thought was "aw that's sweet" followed almost immediately by "omg I hope he didn't offend her". What do you think? I didn't say anything to him one way or the other. I'm not gonna judge him based on this one post. Gauging what a person meant based on a typed post, written by the mother is not going to give us a true, absolute clear view of how this teen felt and what he meant to say. We have no idea the dynamic between him and the girl who asked. Maybe she's been wanting to be more than friends for awhile, hinting that she'd like to be asked out, then finally just asked him. And that's when he realized "he should the one to ask and he wants to do it in person." Maybe they both want to be more than friends and he wants to live up to her expectations. Heck, maybe in the way she asked, like if she was whiny or pouty, he felt like he needed to almost apologize, and said he should be the one to ask and do it in person. Maybe he just said the first thing that came to his mind. He's 15 yrs old. I know men in their fifties who still don't have a perfect filter, and put their foot in their mouth sometimes. And yeah, you're right if you're thinking.... That's a lot of maybes. Sure is. Yet we've already judged this kid based what his mom wrote in a short post on a message board. I'm giving the kid a pass. |
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Post by shescrafty on Jan 12, 2017 11:01:53 GMT
I am wondering why he says that he wanted to ask her, yet the dance is this weekend and he never did. If he truly wanted to ask her he would have. She wanted to ask him, so she did.  I don't think a girl has to wait around to get asked. And clearly this young lady doesn't either. His invitation is not really an invitation at this point. The question has been asked and answered. Why does he feel her invite was not good enough? |
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johnnysmom
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Jan 12, 2017 11:29:03 GMT
Ds15 was asked by a girl (just a friend as of now) to the dance this weekend. He said yes but also said he should the one to ask and he wants to do it in person. My first thought was "aw that's sweet" followed almost immediately by "omg I hope he didn't offend her". What do you think? I didn't say anything to him one way or the other. I'm not gonna judge him based on this one post. Gauging what a person meant based on a typed post, written by the mother is not going to give us a true, absolute clear view of how this teen felt and what he meant to say. We have no idea the dynamic between him and the girl who asked. Maybe she's been wanting to be more than friends for awhile, hinting that she'd like to be asked out, then finally just asked him. And that's when he realized "he should the one to ask and he wants to do it in person." Maybe they both want to be more than friends and he wants to live up to her expectations. Heck, maybe in the way she asked, like if she was whiny or pouty, he felt like he needed to almost apologize, and said he should be the one to ask and do it in person. Maybe he just said the first thing that came to his mind. He's 15 yrs old. I know men in their fifties who still don't have a perfect filter, and put their foot in their mouth sometimes. And yeah, you're right if you're thinking.... That's a lot of maybes. Sure is. Yet we've already judged this kid based what his mom wrote in a short post on a message board. I'm giving the kid a pass. Thank you! I don't have all the details and you're right, it could be any one of your maybes or something else entirely. Its a small rural school and things here are still done the "old fashioned" way so maybe amongst the kids the expectation is that the boy asks. Its exam week so we didn't have much time to talk except on the 2 minute drive home from practice. I'll talk to him about it all later. |
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Post by mikklynn on Jan 12, 2017 13:28:05 GMT
I think he's 15! It's an opportunity to tell him it's perfectly ok for a girl to ask him out.
It's so tough to be a teen.
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Dalai Mama
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Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on Jan 12, 2017 13:41:10 GMT
So she gathered up the nerve to ask him and now he figures that he, as the male, should have done the asking? Now that he knows that she wants to go with him and any anxiety that he would have to feel in asking is gone? Convenient.
If he felt he should be the one to ask, then he should have already done so. As a word of advice, he should keep his mouth shut and enjoy the date. And next time, ask her first if it's so important to him.
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Post by littlemama on Jan 12, 2017 14:36:00 GMT
So, she asked him, he said yes, then proceeded to tell her that he should be the one to ask and was going to do it in person? If I were the girl, I would rescind the invitation and find someone who won't act like a jerk when she asks him.
ETA - I've been married for 20+ years to the guy that I worked up the nerve to ask on a first date. |
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Post by epeanymous on Jan 12, 2017 14:46:06 GMT
If she has already asked him, she thinks it is ok for girls to ask boys. That is something he should keep in mind before insisting that he has to ask her for gender role reasons.
When I was young and dating, I thought it was fine for a boy to ask me out and to pay. Or for me to ask them out and to pay. Or for us to split a check. Whatever. But as someone who didn't see an issue with girls asking out boys, it would have made me uncomfortable if a boy insisted that he had to do the asking because he was male.
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Post by bc2ca on Jan 12, 2017 15:20:57 GMT
Ds15 was asked by a girl (just a friend as of now) to the dance this weekend. He said yes but also said he should the one to ask and he wants to do it in person. My first thought was "aw that's sweet" followed almost immediately by "omg I hope he didn't offend her". What do you think? I didn't say anything to him one way or the other. Just reading this, my first thought was your second thought.  In my experience, some girls make it known who they'd like to go with and friends act as intermediaries so the boy gets the message to ask (even in just friendship relationships) and in some social circles "the ask" is a big deal. If your son felt pressure to ask in person, I'll give him a pass on this. Also some schools still have Sadie Hawkins dances which perpetuates the tradition that only boys ask unless it is specifically a girls ask dance (hope that made sense). Without knowing more about the norms in your area, I'll give your son a pass. He may just want to give this girl the attention of getting asked in person and a story to tell her friends. Not knowing the tone and intention when he said he wanted to ask her and in person makes it impossible to judge whether he was chivalrous or chauvinist but I do think it is a great conversation to have with DS. |
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likescarrots
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Post by likescarrots on Jan 12, 2017 16:54:49 GMT
I think it implies the girl did something wrong (was too forward, bold, dominant, whatever other attributes a ' proper girl' shouldn't display), and yes, i think it also implies that your son thinks he should be the dominant player in the relationship. So i would discuss that with him and how it probably wasn't intentional butthat there are negative implications there that contribute to the oppression of women.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 21:44:37 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2017 17:16:54 GMT
Thank you! I don't have all the details and you're right, it could be any one of your maybes or something else entirely. Its a small rural school and things here are still done the "old fashioned" way so maybe amongst the kids the expectation is that the boy asks. Its exam week so we didn't have much time to talk except on the 2 minute drive home from practice. I'll talk to him about it all later. The old fashioned way isn't always the best way. Lots [most] old fashioned male/female roles are chauvinistic. He needs to learn to deal with women having a voice and a life that doesn't demand they wait for a male to acknowledge them. |
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Post by maryland on Jan 12, 2017 17:37:54 GMT
I have three girls, and I think they have just as much of a "right" (can't think of a better word) to ask a boy to a dance as the boy as to ask them to a dance. Whoever wants to ask should! My daughter is a senior and her boyfriend is a junior. So she will ask him to prom. It's just a senior prom, so it's her prom, not his, so she should ask.
A couple years ago I was taking my kids and their friends (all girls and my daughters best friend (male)) to a soccer game. They were in 9th and 11th grade. One of the girls asked the boy what guys would think if a girl asked him for his phone number. He said "we would give her our number asap because that shows she has confidence!".
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Post by maryland on Jan 12, 2017 17:45:42 GMT
I"m going to go with chauvinistic. Why does a girl have to wait for him? I think you aught to find out what is at the root of his feeling... and see how you feel about his thoughts if you were a young lady waiting for a date from a guy who never thinks of you as being date-able (or hire-able or ________) Chivalrous is giving up his seat or his coat to a cold female; or otherwise sacrificing his comfort for her's. Expecting her to wait for his attention is #1 in the chauvinistic list. I agree! It seems more chauvinistic to me. And to be fair to boys/men, I raise my girls to be chivalrous too.  My daughter's friend and her former boyfriend liked to be funny, and whichever one of them was driving would always open the door for the other. |
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~Lauren~
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Post by ~Lauren~ on Jan 12, 2017 17:52:55 GMT
Traditional....but very often in today's world of feminism, traditional = chauvanis
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Post by gmcwife1 on Jan 13, 2017 2:35:12 GMT
I think he's 15! It's an opportunity to tell him it's perfectly ok for a girl to ask him out. It's so tough to be a teen. Especially when adults add hidden meanings to everything said or done!! My dd and her friends ask each other either way and don't worry about labels. I'm really glad to see the different generations don't label and don't make things more of an issue. Not everything is good or bad and many kids are just trying to make everything ok. |
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Post by KikiPea on Jan 13, 2017 4:09:36 GMT
I asked DH out on our first date. I love that he wanted to ask, but, in this situation, if he wanted to go, I think he should have just accepted. I hope they have fun! |
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Post by melanell on Jan 13, 2017 4:16:06 GMT
I think he should really consider how he would feel if their places were reversed and he worked up the nerve to ask her and then for reasons he may not know or understand, she decided that his asking wasn't enough and she had to now go ahead and ask in her own way as well.
I don't know exactly how I would feel in her place, but I can't help but think that unless I was the type to like big showy displays to ask a girl out and had expressed that to the guy, him turning around and re-asking me would definitely be some sort of negative for me. Confused, offended, hurt---I'm not sure which, but my gut leans to negative when thinking about it.
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tincin
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Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Jan 13, 2017 15:34:57 GMT
Based only on your op, I would say chauvinistic.
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Post by anonrefugee on Jan 13, 2017 21:09:23 GMT
Your alert enough to the subject to pose the question here. Chances are you're a mom who's already shown him women have opinions and choice.
Use this as an excuse to talk things over. It could be his age. Freshman/Sophomore girls are way more into the dance thing than a lot of the boys.
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Post by anonrefugee on Jan 13, 2017 21:53:18 GMT
I think he's 15! It's an opportunity to tell him it's perfectly ok for a girl to ask him out. It's so tough to be a teen. Especially when adults add hidden meanings to everything said or done!! My dd and her friends ask each other either way and don't worry about labels. I'm really glad to see the different generations don't label and don't make things more of an issue. Not everything is good or bad and many kids are just trying to make everything ok. I reread this and agree so much I'm repeating it. There's so much more for kids to deal with now, the constant contrasting and labeling doesn't help. talk to your kids and help them navigate, there are more grey areas than black or white. FWIW I asked my classmate to the Prom. Too bad it was the 70s, I would have rocked the Promposal! |
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Post by maryland on Jan 13, 2017 22:03:57 GMT
Especially when adults add hidden meanings to everything said or done!! My dd and her friends ask each other either way and don't worry about labels. I'm really glad to see the different generations don't label and don't make things more of an issue. Not everything is good or bad and many kids are just trying to make everything ok. I reread this and agree so much I'm repeating it. There's so much more for kids to deal with now, the constant contrasting and labeling doesn't help. talk to your kids and help them navigate, there are more grey areas than black or white. FWIW I asked my classmate to the Prom. Too bad it was the 70s, I would have rocked the Promposal! Haha! The boys at our high school seem to do more of the asking for Homecoming and Prom then the girls do (but a lot of girls ask too!). I think they enjoy being able to express their creative side! I would have been in trouble if these promposals were popular when I was in high school. I have no creative bone in my body! My poor boyfriend would have gotten a handwritten note on notebook paper! When I was in high school the poms/cheerleaders always decorated the football teams lockers before Homecoming. I guess that was as close as we got to the fancy promposals! |
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Refupea #1142
My daughter's friend and her former boyfriend liked to be funny, and whichever one of them was driving would always open the door for the other. 
My original pea date was November 1999 and my number was 1803
