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Post by bingcherry on Aug 14, 2014 22:38:21 GMT
Over the past few years I've been dealing with some very difficult and emotionally painful issues. I really don't want to go into major detail here because frankly it would be several pages, but a huge part of it deals with an estrangement from my immediate family (mother, brother, and sister.) It was my decision and my husband was totally on board but he's the type of person who makes his mind up and moves on. I am still plagued by guilt and sadness over the entire situation. I've talked to my husband about this but he really has no sympathy for me. I want to find a counselor to talk to individually but I also think it would be good to bring him so he can understand how deeply affected I am by this. If I start out with individual counseling and then bring him in, I would be concerned about the counselor being a bit biased.
So should I find a counselor just for myself and then another for the two of us?
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mimima
Drama Llama
Stay Gold, Ponyboy
Posts: 5,076 
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Post by mimima on Aug 14, 2014 22:49:26 GMT
Given what you've written, I would start with an individual counselor and see what they think about your Dh joining you. If you were worried by bias, I'd get a separate couples counselor, but start with an individual one for you.
Huge hugs, I'm sorry.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 14, 2014 22:53:18 GMT
Since the issues are within you, go individual and add DH to sessions about you with that counselor later. IF you are seeking marriage counselling, most counselors I have known would see the couple together for marriage counselling once or twice, but would refer the couple to someone else for real counselling.
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on Aug 14, 2014 22:58:18 GMT
I would go with the individual counseling. I would not worry about bringing him in with your counselor. if the counselor is professional he/she will not be bias. They will work with you by yourself and then with you and your husband together.
I really hope you get your issues worked out. I disowned my 2 sisters years ago. I had issues all my life with them and couldn't deal with them any more and cut them from my life. Part of me always felt guilty specially when it came to my children not having aunts. but in therapy I learned that it was the best thing I did for myself and my children.
Good Luck
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Post by mrsscrapdiva on Aug 15, 2014 19:47:04 GMT
I agree with the others - go to individual. Your counselor will be able to guide you as far as talking to your dh effectively about this at some point. But I would work on yourself first. Best of luck to you.
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,960
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Aug 15, 2014 20:02:04 GMT
I would definitely start with a counselor for yourself. As their job, they are to be unbiased, so you "shouldn't" have any issues with bringing in your husband when you are ready.
I hope you get the help you need to get over your guilt. We are our own worst enemy when it comes to forgiving ourselves.
All the best to you.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
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Post by luvnlifelady on Aug 15, 2014 21:08:35 GMT
I can understand somewhat. I've been estranged from my brother for 9 years. It was my choice because of something he did to me, but I still miss what we had. It's really like a death. I have other siblings, but there's still a void.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,402
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Aug 15, 2014 21:11:21 GMT
Go by yourself. It sounds as if your husband is comfortable with things.
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oldcrow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,828
Location: Ontario,Canada
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Post by oldcrow on Aug 15, 2014 21:31:06 GMT
I too suggest individual counseling for yourself.
If you think couples counseling will make your husband more aware of things you may be disappointed. He has already agreed to your decision about your family and supports that decision. The guilt seems to be yours so you must deal with that. And perhaps once you deal with the guilt you may find you do not need "more understanding" from your husband.
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Post by monicad on Aug 15, 2014 22:09:52 GMT
I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm estranged from my mom, and I know how difficult and painful it is. I would start off getting counseling for yourself, then let the therapist decide when and if to bring your husband in. I also need to get off my butt and get some help, because although I try not to think about it, it's always there and it's hard to know how to cope.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 9, 2024 10:16:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2014 22:57:20 GMT
Start with a counselor for you. After a time in counseling you may find you don't need your dh to understand how your past affects you in the same way as you feel you need him to understand it right now. Counseling, if it is effective, is going to change you. It will change your perspective. You may find the words to explain it to your dh with him having to go to counseling with your. Or you may find you need a totally different type of counselor with him than what you need now. Selecting another one right now doesn't mean it will still be a good fit later after you've undergone some changes.
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