Help me with the words - ovarian cancer

Nope.

I remember when my sister had a total hysterectomy at 31. She had a tough recovery, needed help for at least the first week and I mean help to the bathroom, help dressing, help with meals...the works.

Plus, she wasn't supposed to do much for about 2 months (very light cleaning, no lifting, absolutely NO vacuuming!).

I am so sorry! Thank you for taking sure good care of your friend.

She will definitely need full time help for the first week. No bending, lifting, and will most likely be in pain. For sure plan on helping her with meals.

I had a hysterectomy. I was in the hospital overnight and released the next evening. It is usually a two night stay, but I was willing to do whatever I could to get out early. The next day I slept a lot and was on knock you to your butt pain meds, but on the third day I was good to go. I could get in and out of bed by myself and did everything I needed. By then I was just taking Motrin for the pain and felt much better. I am not great with pain by any means. I would imagine your friend might need help for a day or so depending on how many days she is in the hospital. Perhaps you can make sure that she has everything she needs by her bed and that she has food. Make sure she can get in and out of the bathroom by herself. Make sure her phone is charged and that someone checks on her by phone every few hours.

I was diagnosed almost 2 years ago with ovarian cancer--my surgery was February 5, 2015.

You didn't mention how old your friend was but I was a healthy 50 year old and the recovery from my hysterectomy was really not a big deal. I probably wouldn't have wanted to be alone that first night out of the hospital--maybe you can offer to spend the night with her even just for the company. Another thing to consider is that I wasn't allowed to drive for 6 weeks so that might be something you offer to do for her. By 12 days after surgery I was back at work for a few hours/day but I realize that everyone has a very different experience. Also, even after my surgery I didn't have a definitive diagnosis for nearly 3 weeks while a bunch of pathologists argued about what stage I was, so your friend might not know for sure when she leaves the hospital the details of her prognosis.

I'm not sure what to tell you to say to your friend although I could probably give you lots of examples of what not to say!! :/ One of my closest friends said to me "this is new territory for me and I may say or do the wrong thing but this is what I'd like to do for you" and then she had a very concrete suggestion of what she could do for me. This was so much better than the friends who said "call me if there's something you need me to do" because I never would call and ask for help. So, don't ask her what you can do but instead try to come up with a few things that you are prepared to do and then say "this is what I'd like to do for you." A few suggestions.....become her taxi driver for doctor appointments, for chemo (ovarian cancer patients have chemo after surgery) or just to run errands 1 morning/week. On my chemo schedule my doctor could predict when the worst side effects would occur--I had chemo on Wednesdays so my worst days were the following Saturday/Sunday so offer to spend those weekends with her and just be with her so she doesn't have to be alone. Standard front-line chemo for ovarian cancer is pretty much the same for everyone so she'll lose her hair so you could offer to go with her and get her hair cut really short or to help her pick out a wig. (That's something my friend did for me.) I'm also a very independent person so I had a very hard time accepting help and sometimes I turned people down the first time they offered so if your friend does that, wait a few days and reach out to her and offer again.

A diagnosis of ovarian cancer is very hard to deal with because it seems like everyone knows someone who has had it and maybe didn't have the best outcome. I'm sure you wouldn't do this, but its never a good idea to tell a newly diagnosed cancer patient about someone else you know who died of their disease. And, the reality is treatments are constantly changing so what might've have been the case 5 years ago isn't necessarily the case now . I also think that asking questions about someone's prognosis is really never a good idea. If she wants to share that information with you, let her but don't ask her.

I obviously have strong feelings about this disease and could definitely go on and on!! I would also recommend a really good ovarian cancer message board that I didn't discover until last summer. You might suggest it if you think it's something she might like--they are a wealth of information about treatments, side effects, clinical trials, etc. And it's a very active board with lots of women with all different stages of ovarian cancer. It's called Inspire www.inspire.com/groups/ovarian-cancer

And, if you think your friend would like to chat via email with someone who has been through this, I would be happy to connect via email with her. Just send me a private message and I'll send you my email address. You could also offer to do the legwork to find out about a local support group for her.

Emelle

I hope your friend's prognosis is favorable.  

My mom had a complete hysterectomy in May, at 82.5 years old.  Went home same day.  No one could stay with her, but my sister stopped by after work every day.  My mom was not allowed to lift or take stairs, so my sister did laundry, grocery shopping, etc, but my mom needed no help with personal care, dressing, etc.  Her pain was very low.  She watched a lot of TV and just rested.  
Wait and see how your friend feels after surgery.  

After my hysterectomy I needed help cleaning up after my cats, doing housework, and watering plants, etc. I was able to heat up my meals, do dishes, bathe, etc. I couldn't drive for a week or two and I needed help getting groceries because I couldn't load the groceries into my car. I suggest that she get commonly used items out of lower cabinets and place them higher up. Also she should freeze some meals and stock up on snacks, so she doesn't have to do much cooking. Do any heavy cleaning before the surgery or hire help afterwards.

When my sister was diagnosed, I told her how I would show up for her.  I told her I wasn't going to have that "oh, how are you doing today?" look on my face. I wasn't going to ask her for medical updates. I was going to  be her normal, day in and day out, treat her like I always did as her sister, and just get to business of doing. I told her that I would need to count on her to tell me no, too much, need a rest, back off because I was not going to see her as sick. Now, she was surrounded by others who took on those roles, and I knew she needed a voice for those questions that were hard to ask and those decisions that needed to be talked about without breaking down every time. I just did stuff that needed to be done, and would periodically remind her that I depended on her to tell me when to go away and when she needed to just lie down. Her diagnosis was not great and her stats sucked wind. But time and again, she surprised her docs and lived on.  My message to her was always to plan for the not so great outcome and to live and hope for the best outcome.  It is possible to do both. My parents spent the entire time in denial and it was not healthy for them or for her.
Now this is what worked for us, so not that it would be the right choice for everyone.  I just knew that she needed me for days when she did not want to be sick and didn't need the constant reminders from everything that she was sick.
I also made sure she had the best pillow, a tape recorder (this was a while ago, before smart phones) so she could record the questions and answers from her docs for appts when I was not there, and and endless supply of cards so that she could write messages for her kids. It has been 10 years and I still have the card she wrote to give to her daughter on her wedding day for when that day comes.  For quite a few years, I had birthday cards and Christmas cards from her.  We did those as a worst case scenario but remained hopeful that she would be hand-delivering them all.
It sucks. But science is amazing, did amazing things, and has only gotten more amazing. Faith is powerful and also results in amazing outcomes. The combination of both can move mountains.

I don't know that there are words of comfort when she is still just starting the roller coaster. Best thing you can do is stay by her side and be a friend.

I come from a breast/ovarian cancer family. Growing up, it was ovarian cancer that I feared because it was so hard to diagnose. Still not easy to diagnose but things have definitely changed with ovarian cancer. Far more treatments, far more knowledge today! In fact, the small circle of folks I know that have had this diagnosis in the last 10 years or so are all still alive and kicking. Every.single.one.

How realistic going home and being alone is will depend on the type of surgery she has. There are gyn oncologists who do the whole thing laparoscopically or pretty darn close to it. If she is lucky to have one of those surgeons, yes, she will be in pretty good shape physically at home. If she has a good old fashioned laparotomy with the typical incision for ovarian ca that goes a bit above the belly button down to the pubis, she may not be quite as mobile as she thinks she will be. I am the queen of thinking things are going to be easier than they are- 1st day home after bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction, dh leaves me my meals in the fridge... found out I couldn't open that door myself when I was home alone! So, I totally get that. But, as others have already mentioned (and I suspect some of those folks had the "easier" bikini line type incision), there's a lot that is difficult to do. You don't know it until you know it.

I agree.

She'll probably need a lot more help than she realizes right now.

Good thoughts for her.

This was my experience with my hysterectomy as well.

Yes, definitely the first week she is going to need help 24/7.  I needed help getting up from couch - that is where I chose to sleep and rest, the bed was too high for me to do.
I need someone to bring me food and water.  She will not have the energy to do anything on her own and she will be in pain.
I had the DiVinci, so the recovery was better and faster, but that first week was rough.