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Post by compwalla on Jan 20, 2017 14:58:20 GMT
I'm not sure what to tell you to say to your friend although I could probably give you lots of examples of what not to say!! :/ One of my closest friends said to me "this is new territory for me and I may say or do the wrong thing but this is what I'd like to do for you" and then she had a very concrete suggestion of what she could do for me. This was so much better than the friends who said "call me if there's something you need me to do" because I never would call and ask for help. So, don't ask her what you can do but instead try to come up with a few things that you are prepared to do and then say "this is what I'd like to do for you." This is very good advice. I don't know why exactly but it's very hard to pick up the phone and ask for help with something. It feels wrong somehow. I have only done it once. It's easier when people offer concrete things. As for her post-surgical care, I'd be very worried to leave her alone the first couple of nights. Pain meds can be disorienting and even if she can get in and out of bed, I'd worry about a fall. Maybe tell her you're staying the first night to see how she does. I personally wouldn't feel right about dropping her off at home and leaving even if she had a good set up. Maybe she'll do fine and you won't need to stay another night, maybe she won't do fine and it's better if she's not alone when something goes wrong. |
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Post by bc2ca on Jan 20, 2017 15:41:27 GMT
I'm sorry for your friend. I don't know what to tell you to say, but would probably let her mood guide your words. If she's spunky and upbeat, I would be too (but maybe a little more realistic on the care. Like 'it will be awesome if you're able to go home and be alone right after the procedure, but maybe we should have a back up plan just in case you're not feeling up to that). If she's depressed, be positive without being fake. My friend just passed away yesterday from uterine cancer ( I'm sure some of you saw it in the news. She's was the girl whose video went viral when she was dancing to 'juju on that beat' while receiving chemo and was on Ellen.) so my feelings are a little raw right now. I apologize if I'm rambling. But I can tell you staying positive was so important to my friend Ana. She was amazing. I'll pray for your friend that she can kick cancer's ass. I'm so sorry for your loss *KAS* and think the bolded is a great approach. MichyM, you know what kind of set up your friend has to accommodate someone else in her house, whether it means sleeping on a bed or couch, so I'd be practical and suggest bringing your own bedding/pillow if necessary and let her know you being there isn't any more work for her. This offer to help isn't about her entertaining a guest, but completely for safety concerns. SaveSave |
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oh yvonne
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,111
Jun 26, 2014 0:45:23 GMT
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Post by oh yvonne on Jan 20, 2017 15:45:44 GMT
I'm so sorry about your friend, and I think you've gotten such great advice already here.
Ugh, cancer is everywhere, I've got two people in my life who I love who are battling right now. And friends who have loved ones that have recently passed. Its everywhere..why? Fuck you cancer!
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uksue
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,597 
Location: London
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Post by uksue on Jan 20, 2017 16:14:11 GMT
I had a hysterectomy for cervical cancer and really wasn't fully independent for 6 weeks. The first few days at home were not good as I was in a lot of pain still.
As fur words- just listen and take your cue from her. She may wamt to talk about anything BUT what she's just been through or prognosis . Just being there for her says more than words!
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Post by jenjie on Jan 20, 2017 16:21:31 GMT
All the best to you MichyM . My heart goes out to your friend. I just wanted to chime in because this thread really opened my eyes about something. I've always told good friends who are dealing with things in their lives (illness, death of a loved one, etc.) that "I'll be here for you. Just call and let me know what I can do to help" or something like that. Very sincerely. I thought it was kind to word it that way because I wouldn't want to bother someone if they just wanted to be alone. Now I realize the better thing to do might be to ask something along the lines of "I'd like to do xx and xx (some specific, concrete things) for you" or if it's my best friend or a family member say "I'm doing xxx and xxx for you, OK." Saying I'm willing to show up is one thing. Actually showing up is another. Thanks to emelle64 and others for making me think about this more. That's great. One simple thing that helped me was when a friend would call and say "I'm going to the grocery store, do you need anything?" |
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Post by MichyM on Jan 20, 2017 16:50:34 GMT
I'm sorry for your friend. I don't know what to tell you to say, but would probably let her mood guide your words. If she's spunky and upbeat, I would be too (but maybe a little more realistic on the care. Like 'it will be awesome if you're able to go home and be alone right after the procedure, but maybe we should have a back up plan just in case you're not feeling up to that). If she's depressed, be positive without being fake. My friend just passed away yesterday from uterine cancer ( I'm sure some of you saw it in the news. She's was the girl whose video went viral when she was dancing to 'juju on that beat' while receiving chemo and was on Ellen.) so my feelings are a little raw right now. I apologize if I'm rambling. But I can tell you staying positive was so important to my friend Ana. She was amazing. I'll pray for your friend that she can kick cancer's ass. I'm so sorry for your loss *KAS* and think the bolded is a great approach. MichyM , you know what kind of set up your friend has to accommodate someone else in her house, whether it means sleeping on a bed or couch, so I'd be practical and suggest bringing your own bedding/pillow if necessary and let her know you being there isn't any more work for her. This offer to help isn't about her entertaining a guest, but completely for safety concerns. SaveSaveI realized after reading through the thread last night that I'm going to pack myself an overnight bag and leave my cats extra food for when I take her home. That way I'm completely set if she'll allow me to stay. She still hasn't confirmed the time for our lunch today (it's before 9 here). I'm really hoping that she doesn't cancel..... |
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Post by malibou on Jan 20, 2017 18:13:09 GMT
@*KAS* so very sorry for your loss.
I think the person I appreciated the most when I was going thru cancer was the one that just treated me like it was any other day, but could read when I had something negative, shi!tty, or pity party to say. She would let me voice it, but she never said things like "You have to stay positive" or any of those other canned phrases that people use when they are uncomfortable. She really allowed me to process ALL of the feelings I was having. Best thing ever.
J
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pridemom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,843
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Post by pridemom on Jan 20, 2017 18:15:00 GMT
I am very sorry. My mother in law is nearing the end of her battle with ovarian cancer. It's a horrible menace.
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River
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,627
Jun 26, 2014 15:26:04 GMT
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Post by River on Jan 20, 2017 18:41:04 GMT
I'm a 3 year survivor of ovarian cancer. Don't worry about trying to make a lot of small talk. Silence can be a great thing for many people after surgery and is possibly why she wants to stay alone when she gets home. It can get very tiring between the people who want to pump you up and tell you "you've got this, you're a fighter" and the people who want to comfort you too much with tons of words said over and over. Be a strong force with your presence and let her guide you in what she needs.
Many prayers for your friend!
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Post by malibou on Jan 20, 2017 19:02:55 GMT
I'm a 3 year survivor of ovarian cancer. Don't worry about trying to make a lot of small talk. Silence can be a great thing for many people after surgery and is possibly why she wants to stay alone when she gets home. It can get very tiring between the people who want to pump you up and tell you "you've got this, you're a fighter" and the people who want to comfort you too much with tons of words said over and over. Be a strong force with your presence and let her guide you in what she needs. Many prayers for your friend! Perfectly said. J |
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