Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2014 18:25:13 GMT
Ugh, this is such a completely horrible situation. A bit of back story:
We are friends with 2 other couples and we have always been super close. We vacation together and see each other several times a week. This morning we found out that the husband of one of the couples got an apt and told his wife today that he wants out. Completely blindsided her.. and us! We would love to stay neutral but he has handled this so completely horribly that we can't help but be pissed at him and rally around her.
Unfortunately, I'm sure that a lot of you have been through something similar. How did you handle it?
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MizIndependent
Drama Llama
Quit your bullpoop.
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Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
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Post by MizIndependent on Aug 15, 2014 18:26:56 GMT
Easy, call the jackass out on his jackass behavior, and rally around the wife. Sounds like what you're doing already though and good on you for it.
10 to 1 odds that jackass has a girlfriend and has been cheating on your friend for a while now.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2014 18:31:53 GMT
10 to 1 odds that jackass has a girlfriend and has been cheating on your friend for a while now. My gut says so even though the general consensus was that he isn't (didn't). We may never know and honestly, I don't want to. I just feel so devastated today. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2014 18:41:16 GMT
What an asshole. I am sorry for your friend and you. It is hard to watch a bestie in pain. Rally around her and tell her you are there for her in any way she needs.
Hugs
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2014 18:48:52 GMT
The funny (or not so funny thing) is that we made an "agreement" years ago that none of us would ever get divorced. Now I know that's not realistic by any means but it was alway an inside thing with us. I feel betrayed too  |
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Post by cherrie on Aug 15, 2014 18:49:13 GMT
Rarely does a man leave a comfy home, wife and kids if there isn't someone waiting in the wings...and I speak from experience!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2014 18:53:11 GMT
Rarely does a man leave a comfy home, wife and kids if there isn't someone waiting in the wings...and I speak from experience! This is my biggest fear right now. |
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Post by piapea on Aug 15, 2014 18:55:11 GMT
Give her the pea info on divorce, because it sounds like he's way ahead. Just saying.
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oldcrow
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Location: Ontario,Canada
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Post by oldcrow on Aug 15, 2014 19:04:24 GMT
Rarely does a man leave a comfy home, wife and kids if there isn't someone waiting in the wings...and I speak from experience!  |
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Post by redayh on Aug 15, 2014 19:34:16 GMT
I'm sorry for your friend. I have to say, I am just so sick of these tools that do this to their families. They make me so angry.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2014 19:46:22 GMT
Rarely does a man leave a comfy home, wife and kids if there isn't someone waiting in the wings...and I speak from experience! Unfortunately, I too speak from experience. It sucks. |
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Post by Sam on Aug 15, 2014 19:53:17 GMT
We would love to stay neutral but he has handled this so completely horribly that we can't help but be pissed at him and rally around her.
Unfortunately, I'm sure that a lot of you have been through something similar. How did you handle it? If you are close to both and very good friends, there is nothing wrong in telling him he's an idiot. I would feel comfortable telling someone close to me when I felt they had made a wrong choice. Then I would sift through his response to ascertain whether there was more going on and take it from there. Just because there is no point only hearing one side of the story when you are friends with both  |
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Cheesy
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Jun 26, 2014 16:49:38 GMT
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Post by Cheesy on Aug 15, 2014 19:58:49 GMT
We also had friends that divorced. Just over the years she fell out of love, I guess, but hid her feelings from her friends very well. None of us saw it coming at all.
I think it almost would have been easier if one of them had engaged in "deal breaker" behavior or was known as a jerk. But everyone liked both of them. Just sad.
I have to admit I sure miss them as a couple. She met a guy after the divorce and is getting married but it's not the same.
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Post by 3SugarBugs on Aug 15, 2014 19:59:12 GMT
Sorry to hear this...it's so hard when good friends divorce. As much as you want to stay neutral it never really works that way. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2014 20:17:16 GMT
I have to admit I sure miss them as a couple. This is where the other 2 couples are at right now. We miss them already. We haven't talked to the husband - he hasn't reached out to anyone yet. Like I said earlier, I'd love to try and stay neutral but the shitty way he handled it makes is almost impossible. My heart just hurts right now |
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marianne
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Jun 25, 2014 21:08:26 GMT
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Post by marianne on Aug 15, 2014 20:20:43 GMT
We just don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe he just doesn't want to be married; maybe she's a total bitch at home; there are lots of maybes and they don't necessarily mean he's got a chickie on the side.
Since you're friends with both of them, and care about both of them, and rather than speculate or assume, get input straight from the horse's mouth.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2014 20:24:31 GMT
We just don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe he just doesn't want to be married; maybe she's a total bitch at home; there are lots of maybes and they don't necessarily mean he's got a chickie on the side. Since you're friends with both of them, and care about both of them, and rather than speculate or assume, get input straight from the horse's mouth. This is all very true, however, she has reached out to us and he has not, therefore we can't get his side of the story. I hope that's not always the case but it is now. |
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marianne
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Jun 25, 2014 21:08:26 GMT
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Post by marianne on Aug 15, 2014 20:33:56 GMT
We just don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe he just doesn't want to be married; maybe she's a total bitch at home; there are lots of maybes and they don't necessarily mean he's got a chickie on the side. Since you're friends with both of them, and care about both of them, and rather than speculate or assume, get input straight from the horse's mouth. This is all very true, however, she has reached out to us and he has not, therefore we can't get his side of the story. I hope that's not always the case but it is now. Sure you can. You said you were super close friends. Friends talk to each other, especially in times of trouble. If for no other reason than to express concern, support, and a friendly shoulder to rely on. If it were my close friends, I'd be reaching out to them... both of them... to show my support and dismay at the troubles they were experiencing. No? |
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Post by sugarmama on Aug 15, 2014 20:35:02 GMT
I've been in the same situation. It was/is difficult. Add to that, the fact that our children (high school age and above) are friends, so we hear about their lives through the kids. I love them both and want to support both, but there is also that fact that one of them is not living very responsibly, so it's difficult to be around that person and pretend that the choices they have made are ok.
I will be there if needed, but have to keep a bit of distance because of the situation. I suspect that eventually the one making bad choices is going to hit a wall and I will try and be as supportive as I can if/when that happens.
I wanted to add that the partner who did not want the divorce stayed pretty close-mouthed about the whole thing for a few months. I think it took some time to absorb the situation, but eventually this person did begin to verbalize what they were going through.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2014 20:35:36 GMT
This is all very true, however, she has reached out to us and he has not, therefore we can't get his side of the story. I hope that's not always the case but it is now. Sure you can. You said you were super close friends. Friends talk to each other, especially in times of trouble. If for no other reason than to express concern, support, and a friendly shoulder to rely on. If it were my close friends, I'd be reaching out to them... both of them... to show my support and dismay at the troubles they were experiencing. No? I'm sure we will but as we just learned of this situation, we are taking it one step at a time. |
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Post by christine58 on Aug 15, 2014 20:38:20 GMT
Have your DH reach out to him....one never knows what goes on behind closed doors...she might not be as innocent either
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2014 20:40:28 GMT
Have your DH reach out to him....one never knows what goes on behind closed doors...she might not be as innocent either That's the plan. We're just letting the dust settle for a day or so. He has been in contact with our other friend as they are closer so we're getting some information 2nd hand. |
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scrapaddie
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Post by scrapaddie on Aug 15, 2014 20:48:28 GMT
You have heard one side. Although I sympathize with her I doubt she really was totally blindsided. Unless she was paying no attention to her marriage, she must've known something was not quite right. No matter how close you are, you were not in this marriage.
It is possible to remain friends with both parties. I have quite a few friends who have remained friends with both me and my ex-husband. Just don't judge, until you hear it all.
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Post by librarylady on Aug 15, 2014 20:51:55 GMT
Easy, call the jackass out on his jackass behavior, and rally around the wife. Sounds like what you're doing already though and good on you for it. 10 to 1 odds that jackass has a girlfriend and has been cheating on your friend for a while now. +1 My husband had a very good friend....actually the couple was BFF with my husband and his first wife. Anyway, man left wife with the story of "I just need some alone time and time to think." I told my husband, "He has a GF." My husband said no...and if he did he would surely had told me. We invited man over for dinner. After he left, I said again, "GF in picture." ..A month passed and then the man revealed he DID have a GF. My husband ended the friendship. He felt as betrayed as the wife over the man's lying. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2014 20:54:13 GMT
You have heard one side. Although I sympathize with her I doubt she really was totally blindsided. Unless she was paying no attention to her marriage, she must've known something was not quite right. No matter how close you are, you were not in this marriage. It is possible to remain friends with both parties. I have quite a few friends who have remained friends with both me and my ex-husband. Just don't judge, until you hear it all. I partially agree with what you're saying. I don't know what was going on in their marriage. I never even knew there were problems, but I don't agree with she wasn't blindsided. You can be working on lots of issues in your marriage but when you ask your spouse what they want for dinner and they say they're moving out - that's being blindsided. |
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Post by christine58 on Aug 15, 2014 20:58:25 GMT
Have your DH reach out to him....one never knows what goes on behind closed doors...she might not be as innocent either That's the plan. We're just letting the dust settle for a day or so. He has been in contact with our other friend as they are closer so we're getting some information 2nd hand. Letting the dust settle is a great idea. It's hard to watch friends go through stuff like this...just remember to not bad mouth either one to the other...you never know if they reconcile... |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2014 20:59:59 GMT
That's the plan. We're just letting the dust settle for a day or so. He has been in contact with our other friend as they are closer so we're getting some information 2nd hand. Letting the dust settle is a great idea. It's hard to watch friends go through stuff like this...just remember to not bad mouth either one to the other...you never know if they reconcile... Good point. |
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Post by jenjie on Aug 15, 2014 21:01:05 GMT
We just don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe he just doesn't want to be married; maybe she's a total bitch at home; there are lots of maybes and they don't necessarily mean he's got a chickie on the side. Since you're friends with both of them, and care about both of them, and rather than speculate or assume, get input straight from the horse's mouth. This is all very true, however, she has reached out to us and he has not, therefore we can't get his side of the story. I hope that's not always the case but it is now. This just reminded me. When SIL's marriage ended, she really didn't say much at first. Kept to herself. BIL talked to everybody and said a lot of stuff about sil. We bought it. Because he was talking and she wasn't. It came out that BIL was lying about everything. SIL was very hurt. We and others should have come to her, should have trusted her, and we didn't. I'm not saying your gf is lying but as has been said, there are two sides to the story. I'm sorry. |
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Post by peasful1 on Aug 15, 2014 21:10:28 GMT
This is all very true, however, she has reached out to us and he has not, therefore we can't get his side of the story. I hope that's not always the case but it is now. This just reminded me. When SIL's marriage ended, she really didn't say much at first. Kept to herself. BIL talked to everybody and said a lot of stuff about sil. We bought it. Because he was talking and she wasn't. It came out that BIL was lying about everything. SIL was very hurt. We and others should have come to her, should have trusted her, and we didn't. I'm not saying your gf is lying but as has been said, there are two sides to the story. I'm sorry. Yes, it is fascinating that he is automatically labeled a cheating jackass, asshole. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2014 21:12:31 GMT
This just reminded me. When SIL's marriage ended, she really didn't say much at first. Kept to herself. BIL talked to everybody and said a lot of stuff about sil. We bought it. Because he was talking and she wasn't. It came out that BIL was lying about everything. SIL was very hurt. We and others should have come to her, should have trusted her, and we didn't. I'm not saying your gf is lying but as has been said, there are two sides to the story. I'm sorry. Yes, it is fascinating that he is automatically labeled a cheating jackass, asshole. I don't think anyone has said that - at least anyone involved in the situation. It is certainly a possibility as it could be on her side but we just don't know yet. I have fears but those are my own and i would never say anything about it |
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