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Post by ladytrisha on Aug 15, 2014 21:33:56 GMT
my BIL got blindsided. It was HARD. She wanted out out out and just sorta left the "how to tell your kids you're getting divorced" book on the seat of her car. The car he took to the car wash for her every Saturday. Yeah. Not to say all was great -he could be a complete ass. But he had no inkling. A week later, we went out to dinner with my DH and their cousin and his wife and my BIL heard "their" song playing - next thing you know, he's holding my hand crying. It was just awful. What really breaks my heart is that they needed to talk - I would hear his side, I would hear her side - and all they needed to do was talk to each other and it could and would have been avoided. She thinks marriage shouldn't be work - well, hell sometimes it is HARD work ... and then it pays off. 2 years later they're both doing Match.com fiasco dating ... and I just want to bang them upside the head. They had it made - hugely successful - and it's all blown up with 2 teenagers in the middle.
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Deleted
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Oct 9, 2024 14:15:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2014 21:37:34 GMT
I guess the good news (if there is any) is that there aren't kids involved. Of course, we would all hope for a reconciliation if it were possible but the way he left just doesn't make that seem like a reality
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MizIndependent
Drama Llama
Quit your bullpoop.
Posts: 5,836
Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
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Post by MizIndependent on Aug 16, 2014 0:09:03 GMT
This just reminded me. When SIL's marriage ended, she really didn't say much at first. Kept to herself. BIL talked to everybody and said a lot of stuff about sil. We bought it. Because he was talking and she wasn't. It came out that BIL was lying about everything. SIL was very hurt. We and others should have come to her, should have trusted her, and we didn't. I'm not saying your gf is lying but as has been said, there are two sides to the story. I'm sorry. Yes, it is fascinating that he is automatically labeled a cheating jackass, asshole. I have yet to meet someone who "needs space" that hasn't or isn't about to be involved with someone other than their spouse.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2014 0:30:15 GMT
Sure you can. You said you were super close friends. Friends talk to each other, especially in times of trouble. If for no other reason than to express concern, support, and a friendly shoulder to rely on. If it were my close friends, I'd be reaching out to them... both of them... to show my support and dismay at the troubles they were experiencing. No? I'm sure we will but as we just learned of this situation, we are taking it one step at a time. "we are taking it one step at a time." Frankly, regardless of how "close" you were with this couple and other couples, I find your involvement and emotions about their marriage situation a bit odd. Maybe I'm alone in that, but then again...while we've certainly had "couple" friends and done "couple" things with friends, we've never shared vacations with couple friends. So maybe I'm the odd one that just cannot relate to your dramatic involvement in someone else's marriage.
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Post by roundtwo on Aug 16, 2014 1:01:02 GMT
"we are taking it one step at a time." Frankly, regardless of how "close" you were with this couple and other couples, I find your involvement and emotions about their marriage situation a bit odd. Maybe I'm alone in that, but then again...while we've certainly had "couple" friends and done "couple" things with friends, we've never shared vacations with couple friends. So maybe I'm the odd one that just cannot relate to your dramatic involvement in someone else's marriage. As someone who was blindsided* by my now ex and his girlfriend, I totally understand the reaction of the friends. Our friends were also completely blindsided by the situation and were concerned about me and my children and to a lesser extent, the ex (he used and deceived a lot of our friends during his affair so they weren't very sympathetic to him and the chaos he caused). I don't see them as involved in their marriage as you describe it at all - they are concerned for their friends. I didn't realize how much I needed my friends when this happened to me. They weren't involved in my marriage, they were simply giving me some comfort and support when my world was crumbling and I am grateful they were there for me and my kids. Tearisci, my advice would be to let your friend know you care about her and be willing to just listen to her. As someone else mentioned, don't bad-mouth her husband as they may reconcile. I think you are right to want to hear from him as well although, I too suspect there is someone else - that line is such a cliche. * I know some don't believe or don't want to believe that it's possible to be blindsided but believe me, it truly is. We were going on vacations, playing with our kids, our sex life was very active, we talked with one another regularly and he was always home for dinner and when he went out after work, it was always somewhere that could be easily verified if I had wanted to do so. Discovering he had a girlfriend was a shock to me, our kids and our families and friends (except for the ones he chose to help him during his affair). Anyway, sorry to hijack but I get tired of those who think they know so much about something they have never experienced.
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caro
Drama Llama
Refupea 1130
Posts: 5,222
Jun 26, 2014 14:10:36 GMT
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Post by caro on Aug 16, 2014 1:37:59 GMT
I always say there are three sides to every story, his, hers, and the truth.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2014 1:43:34 GMT
We just don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe he just doesn't want to be married; maybe she's a total bitch at home; there are lots of maybes and they don't necessarily mean he's got a chickie on the side. Since you're friends with both of them, and care about both of them, and rather than speculate or assume, get input straight from the horse's mouth. When I divorced almost all of our mutual friends took sides with my ex. Even when I tried reaching out, they believed his side of the story over mine. Then, 5 years later when all was said and done and all the dirty laundry was aired in court, they all found out that his side of the story was hugely embellished and largely untrue. I found other friends, but it was hard being ostracized by everyone without even being given a chance.
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Post by megop on Aug 16, 2014 1:57:47 GMT
If you have spent significant time together like vacations, and given that you seem pretty plugged in into the essence of who each of them are inside and that they as friends have shared personal stories, trials and tribulations (I'm assuming) then I would trust your gut for now.
Supporting the blindsided spouse doesn't mean you are choosing sides, you are supporting a friend. Know you are mourning the loss of a "couple" friend as well. This changes your life as well, and make sure to check your own internal feelings over this loss during support of the abandoned feeling spouse.
It may not even be over as far as you know. This marriage is now in a marathon. You'lll know more as information comes to light. Be watchful of actions, not words by either of them. You'll then see clearly what is at play in the background. Make support decisions then.
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Post by megop on Aug 16, 2014 2:16:11 GMT
* I know some don't believe or don't want to believe that it's possible to be blindsided but believe me, it truly is. We were going on vacations, playing with our kids, our sex life was very active, we talked with one another regularly and he was always home for dinner and when he went out after work, it was always somewhere that could be easily verified if I had wanted to do so. Discovering he had a girlfriend was a shock to me, our kids and our families and friends (except for the ones he chose to help him during his affair). Anyway, sorry to hijack but I get tired of those who think they know so much about something they have never experienced.
---------------
Absolutely! Totally my experience as well. This is why the CHOICE to be unfaithful, is exactly that. A personal (and in my opinion weak and selfish) choice to make. Unhappy? Work to communicate to fix or cut bait before inflicting very damaging emotional pain. Obviously, I'm not referring to marriages that drugs, alcohol, abuse are involved, I'm referring to those that there really aren't such pressure factors involved, other than, boredom of the dailies.
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Post by kluski on Aug 16, 2014 2:52:07 GMT
Be careful about taking sides. We had two couples over the years split and eventually get back together. The one couple had very few friends when they got back together and essentially had to rebuild their social life. They repeatedly thanked us for never taking sides and bad mouthing the other. It can be hard but remember how much you love them both.
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Post by cropaholicnora on Aug 16, 2014 2:53:33 GMT
Btdt, only I was the wife in the divorcing couple. You've heard a lot of good things so far, but I would like to add that if they do divorce I hope that you can still maintain your friendship with the wife. We were BFF with another family and while they were really supportive during and immediately after the divorce, my BFF slowly pulled back out of my life for reasons I still don't understand. So not only did I lose my ex-dh, I also lost my BFF.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2014 3:16:54 GMT
I wouldn't automatically jump to "he's a jackass". How many times have peas said "if you want out, be honest and just go". Don't cheat and lie and manipulate. Just be an adult with a pair and end it.
Maybe that's what he did?
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Post by peasapie on Aug 16, 2014 3:41:46 GMT
Letting the dust settle is a great idea. It's hard to watch friends go through stuff like this...just remember to not bad mouth either one to the other...you never know if they reconcile... Good point. Such a good point. I've seen this happen. To OP - I want to say sorry for your loss, because I can feel how upsetting this is for you. As hard as it is for the couple and their children, divorce affects everyone, friends and family alike. It's a loss.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2014 14:46:28 GMT
If it is truly out of the blue, then I have often seen other couples/BFF pull away because they make it about themselves. If it could happen to their BFFs who they know so well who they thought had such a great marriage, could it also happen to them? I think some internalize it differently. I will say those I thought would be there for me during our separation were not. And I made some surprisingly new good friends out of the process. And even though we did reconcile, I still lost some close friends.
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tincin
Drama Llama
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Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Aug 16, 2014 21:20:34 GMT
When I got divorced because of the XH's infidelity, my friends definitely chose sides. Most of them wouldn't even speak to him. I did not encourage or discourage it but I have done the same thing myself. I cannot be friends with someone who has cheated on their partner. They just don't fit my idea of a person who I want to hang with.
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maurchclt
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,646
Jul 4, 2014 16:53:27 GMT
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Post by maurchclt on Aug 16, 2014 23:13:16 GMT
Horrible situation to be in, feels like YOUR world is rocked too. Happened to us, our kids were also BF, the divorce broke up a dinner club of 4 couples we had for over 10 years. And we also vacationed with our friends. Never a good outcome for anyone.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2014 0:24:20 GMT
I'm sure we will but as we just learned of this situation, we are taking it one step at a time. "we are taking it one step at a time." Frankly, regardless of how "close" you were with this couple and other couples, I find your involvement and emotions about their marriage situation a bit odd. Maybe I'm alone in that, but then again...while we've certainly had "couple" friends and done "couple" things with friends, we've never shared vacations with couple friends. So maybe I'm the odd one that just cannot relate to your dramatic involvement in someone else's marriage. We've been pretty lucky to have great friends who are like family to us. I'm sorry that hasn't been the case with you.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2014 0:25:25 GMT
Horrible situation to be in, feels like YOUR world is rocked too. Happened to us, our kids were also BF, the divorce broke up a dinner club of 4 couples we had for over 10 years. And we also vacationed with our friends. Never a good outcome for anyone. Exactly. Thanks everyone for the kind words. It's just awkward and we want the best for both of them.
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Post by leftturnonly on Aug 17, 2014 0:30:42 GMT
Yes, it is fascinating that he is automatically labeled a cheating jackass, asshole. I have yet to meet someone who "needs space" that hasn't or isn't about to be involved with someone other than their spouse. I know someone. It does happen. From reading the board all these years, it appears that may be more the exception than the rule, but still, it happens.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2014 2:19:54 GMT
"we are taking it one step at a time." Frankly, regardless of how "close" you were with this couple and other couples, I find your involvement and emotions about their marriage situation a bit odd. Maybe I'm alone in that, but then again...while we've certainly had "couple" friends and done "couple" things with friends, we've never shared vacations with couple friends. So maybe I'm the odd one that just cannot relate to your dramatic involvement in someone else's marriage. We've been pretty lucky to have great friends who are like family to us. I'm sorry that hasn't been the case with you. You have absolutely no clue what you're talking about. I didn't make assumptions about you...I read your very dramatic words. You're making assumptions about me. But if that makes you feel better, carry on, I guess.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2014 2:43:10 GMT
We've been pretty lucky to have great friends who are like family to us. I'm sorry that hasn't been the case with you. You have absolutely no clue what you're talking about. I didn't make assumptions about you...I read your very dramatic words. You're making assumptions about me. But if that makes you feel better, carry on, I guess. Will do!
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