Deleted
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Oct 9, 2024 12:23:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2014 14:04:01 GMT
My sister's kids missed the memo on hygiene and appropriate dress (could have been her lack of parenting and teaching them the simply things of life)
wednesday my mom had an oncology dr appt and chemo after so sister and nephew show up at the dr office at 11:00am 25 year old nephew looked like he rolled about of bed sleep still in his eyes teeth not brushed hair looking like a hamster head and jean shorts that were so greasy and too small greasy hands (he's helping a guy work on his car) and a dirty wife beater shirt. They come and sit with us mom and I were real embarrassed. He wasn't there out of concern for his gma he was there to see if he could use her SUV to move some stuff. (Mom told him no he couldn't use her car)
She has 3 kids and none of them know squat about hygiene and appropriate dress. I've tried talking to my 23 year old niece about wearing clothes that fit and washing her hair and taking showers daily but it goes right over her head.
How do y'all handle this? Does it embarrass you or do you let it go? They act as Inappropriately as they look so that just adds to it.
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trollie
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by trollie on Aug 16, 2014 14:17:54 GMT
Since, they are not your kids and they are both adults, there is nothing for you to do. Some people are just like that. Their appearance wouldn't embarrass me, but if they had body odor, that would bother me. (I probably wouldn't say anything though.) Does your sister shower? Where did these habits come from?
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Deleted
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Oct 9, 2024 12:23:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2014 14:20:29 GMT
As the saying goes "not your circus, not your monkeys".
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Post by lumo on Aug 16, 2014 14:20:57 GMT
They're adults. Not much you can do. Even if they were still kids, I'd say MYOB.
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oldcrow
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Location: Ontario,Canada
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Post by oldcrow on Aug 16, 2014 14:23:43 GMT
As the saying goes "not your circus, not your monkeys".  |
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Post by craftsbycarolyn on Aug 16, 2014 14:26:49 GMT
Could you say something to your sister about it?
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georgiapea
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Post by georgiapea on Aug 16, 2014 14:29:16 GMT
I would find it embarrassing and it's my sister I would speak to about her children's (adults though they be) appearance and behavior. I'm embarrassed by the way people come into the courthouse where I work, looking much the same as you described your nephew's appearance. At least the attorneys all still wear suits and ties!
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Post by jmurray on Aug 16, 2014 14:32:52 GMT
Actually I'm trying to wrap my mind around your nephew bothering your mother about borrowing her car while she's at the oncologist. So when you say they act inappropriately I can see what you mean!
In regards to their appearance, they're adults and they need to own it. Maybe they'll get the message one day and maybe they won't. Any potential consequences are on them so my vote is to leave it be. Personally I would have had a lot more to say about the car thing than the grubby wife beater, to both nephew and your sister! So for me it's more about their behaviour than appearance (not trying to say you don't care about their behaviour, just saying for me that trumps their clothes).
As for the hygiene issue, if they stink that bad then I'd probably ask them to move away from me because they're making me feel nauseous. It's not like they're young teens anymore so yes, I would call them out on that.
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Deleted
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Oct 9, 2024 12:23:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2014 14:33:51 GMT
Love the not your circus not your monkeys. Never heard that before
My sister actually showers and washes her hair daily. That's the extent but she is always clean
No I wasn't embarrassed people thinking he was my son - I just want more for them -people stare and they really don't have friends and they get talked about quite a bit. Makes me sad.
My new favorite saying not your circus not your monkeys.
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back to *pea*ality
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Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
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Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Aug 16, 2014 14:42:53 GMT
Yep, not your circus - not your monkeys applies here!
I assume they have eyes and they probably get the stink eye from strangers for looking and smelling dirty.
I would have not had a problem with taking issue with him on the request to your mom as she is fighting for her life. It shows such a lack of care and compassion.
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Post by transprntbutterfly on Aug 16, 2014 15:15:33 GMT
There's not much you can do since they are adults and not you children.
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Post by Kelpea on Aug 16, 2014 15:18:26 GMT
The Grunge look is back...lol. Honestly, there's not much you or anyone can do about it.
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tiffanytwisted
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you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Aug 16, 2014 15:20:20 GMT
Maybe not her monkeys, but if she's sitting w/them it's her circus, lol.
Sadly, though I think the Peas who said there isn't anything you can do about it are right. They are out in the world, seeing how other people look & dress. If they're not figuring it out from that, there isn't much hope they're going to listen to you.
Showing up at the appointment just to ask sick grandma for her car is wrong. Your sister shouldn't have allowed that. Sadly again, though, there isn't much you can do.
Except come here and vent!
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moodyblue
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Aug 16, 2014 15:25:04 GMT
No I wasn't embarrassed people thinking he was my son - I just want more for them -people stare and they really don't have friends and they get talked about quite a bit. Makes me sad. What kind of relationship do you have with these "kids"? Do you ever have conversations with them about their lives and what's going on? Do they ever talk about what they want in life or issues they have or about not having friends? I'm asking because if you did, then the door could be open, not to tell them what to do, but to ask questions in a thoughtful, kind way, and maybe get them thinking about things. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2014 15:34:38 GMT
When I was about 10 my Aunt (and she's a nurse) gave me the low down on bodily functions. She told me about puberty and having to wear deodorant and showering every day and washing my hair etc. It's not that I wasn't doing those things already, she just wanted to make sure I was. I wonder if my mom had said something to her. She bought me this weird White Shoulders creamy deodorant which she told me to use every day. Easy enough.
It may not be your circus or monkeys, but the mother in me would say something to her kids. That won't be popular here but it is what would be done in my family should something like that occur. No one in my family owns an undershirt (like a "wife beater" one) and if we wear shorts they are long and appropriate. Cutoffs to go to a doctor's appointment would not go over well. Maybe it's just a family thing...your sister not giving them guidance. I would never wear cutoffs even if I had the butt and legs to go with it. I do see young girls wearing them and while they might be stylish it's not something i would want for me.
Again my opinion. You can tell me to go feed it go a goat if you want!
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 16, 2014 15:40:40 GMT
Wouldn't embarrass me because they weren't my kids, and they are adults.
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mallie
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Post by mallie on Aug 16, 2014 15:46:07 GMT
To state the obvious, every family is different. In my family, we call each other out on inappropriate behavior. I called out a niece on her appearance -- in part because I saw how strangers were reacting to her. Because we had a good relationship and she respected my opinion, she said she'd take it into consideration. I saw her a month later and she changed her appearance and told me that me calling her out made her take a hard honest look at herself and she turned over a new leaf and had already noticed a huge difference in how people were reacting to her. In fact, I saw her a couple of months ago (about 15 years after the incident). She's pregnant with her first right now. She brought it up and told me once again how grateful she was for clueing her in and told me that I have carte blanche to say the truth to her kids too.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2014 16:04:17 GMT
I am close (relatively speaking) to the 3 of them and I've talked to them. Their mom has failed them on so many levels. And their dad moved 8 states away 18 years ago. Talking to my sister is like talking to a wall. She gets very defensive and pissed. My brothers kids and my kids get along so well and have great relationships. She and her kids are "the black sheep" of the family. (Sisters words not mine). It truly breaks my heart. All through school these kids were teased and made fun of.
They embarrass me but it also breaks my heart. One on one they are ok but when their nagging inappropriate mom is around it is a circus.
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inkedup
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Post by inkedup on Aug 16, 2014 16:10:10 GMT
I can't believe you're talking about your niece and nephew who obviously were not raised right right, in this way. Sounds to me like you should try to be part of their life instead of just being a judgemental excuse for an "aunt." They obviously didn't receive the correct guidance from ANYONE - including you.
Sorry they embarrass you. I'd be more embarrassed that, rather than being helpful, I was being a judgmental, harsh, jerk.
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back to *pea*ality
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Aug 16, 2014 16:39:45 GMT
I can't believe you're talking about your niece and nephew who obviously were not raised right right, in this way. Sounds to me like you should try to be part of their life instead of just being a judgemental excuse for an "aunt." They obviously didn't receive the correct guidance from ANYONE - including you. Sorry they embarrass you. I'd be more embarrassed that, rather than being helpful, I was being a judgmental, harsh, jerk. Yeah. NO judgment or harshness in that response. Btw, in case you missed it, the OP said she's tried to talk with her niece and she is hurting for them because "she wants more for them". |
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inkedup
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Post by inkedup on Aug 16, 2014 16:48:19 GMT
I own the fact that I do harshly judge the OP. Never said I didn't.
It's clear that NO ONE has been there for these kids, including the OP. I'm sure they were probably too embarrassing for her to want to really be involved, even when they were children. And it's great that her "heart hurts" for these young people who have been failed on so many levels. It's too bad it apparently never hurt enough for her to do anything other than judge them just as harshly as the rest of the world will judge them.
I think the OP's heart hurts more that people might think her embarrassing nephew belongs to her than it actually hurts for the way these young adults were raised.
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 16, 2014 16:56:08 GMT
I feel for you. You always want what is best for those you love. For various reasons, that are out of your control, you just can't do much. I would probably say something as nicely as possible once and then leave it alone. My monkeys, 18 and 20, who I have raised in my circus, are not above dressing outrageously just to make me squirm. They do this often.
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Post by redrulz on Aug 16, 2014 17:02:38 GMT
As the saying goes "not your circus, not your monkeys". I've not heard this expression before, but I love it! lol |
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doti
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Post by doti on Aug 16, 2014 17:27:17 GMT
I think I would have had to "jokingly" said something like "Dear God, son, did you just roll out of bed?"
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Aug 16, 2014 17:53:09 GMT
The Grunge look is back...lol. Honestly, there's not much you or anyone can do about it. It takes work to "look grunge"!!! Bad hygiene is not the same!!!! |
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Dalai Mama
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Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on Aug 16, 2014 17:54:38 GMT
I own the fact that I do harshly judge the OP. Never said I didn't. It's clear that NO ONE has been there for these kids, including the OP. I'm sure they were probably too embarrassing for her to want to really be involved, even when they were children. And it's great that her "heart hurts" for these young people who have been failed on so many levels. It's too bad it apparently never hurt enough for her to do anything other than judge them just as harshly as the rest of the world will judge them. I think the OP's heart hurts more that people might think her embarrassing nephew belongs to her than it actually hurts for the way these young adults were raised. That's a lot of judgement based on 'I'm sures', 'I thinks' and 'apparentlys'. When the basis of your post is mostly conjecture, I find it best not to err on the side of bitchiness. But I guess I'm odd that way. So, I'm curious - are you embarrassed that you are being a judgemental, harsh jerk?  |
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anniebygaslight
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Post by anniebygaslight on Aug 16, 2014 17:56:48 GMT
Actually I'm trying to wrap my mind around your nephew bothering your mother about borrowing her car while she's at the oncologist. |
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Post by samcro on Aug 16, 2014 17:59:48 GMT
Just don't judge. You are responsible for one adult, yourself.
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