jaime
Shy Member
Posts: 22 
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Post by jaime on Aug 16, 2014 15:00:46 GMT
At 8:30 this morning. She will be 20 next month. She is a good girl, going to college full time and working. So, we don't really have a curfew. But today was something that has never occurred . What's your opinion? Say something, or let it go. I'm torn because she doesn't drink, smoke or any other bad habits. I know who she was with and where they were. Hmmm what do you think?
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scorpeao
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,521
Location: NorCal USA
Jun 25, 2014 21:04:54 GMT
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Post by scorpeao on Aug 16, 2014 15:04:27 GMT
If you knew where she was and with whom, I'd let it go. Now, if she was MIA I'd have an issue...that's a respect problem. ETA: I'd probably ask her to let me know in advance when she wasn't coming home.
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YooHoot
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,432
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Post by YooHoot on Aug 16, 2014 15:04:26 GMT
If this isn't something that occurs regularly, I'd let it go. I'd probably mention that if she planned to stay out all night again, to let you know so you don't worry.
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moodyblue
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Location: Western Illinois
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Aug 16, 2014 15:06:05 GMT
If this isn't something that occurs regularly, I'd let it go. I'd probably mention that if she planned to stay out all night again, to let you know so you don't worry. Yeah, I'd go with this, and come at it from the issue of consideration for the others in the household. |
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Post by transprntbutterfly on Aug 16, 2014 15:06:21 GMT
If you knew where she was I wouldn't be too concerned. BUT we had a rule in my house that if you weren't going to be home for the night you owed me the courtesy of letting me know. It worked well for DS and I and I always let him know if I was not going to be home for the night or if I was going to be later than I said. It is an adult thing and a respect thing.
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tiffanytwisted
Pearl Clutcher
you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave
Posts: 4,538
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Aug 16, 2014 15:07:15 GMT
My son just turned 18 and we are going thru the same thing. The rule is to tell me where you're going, who you're with and what time you'll be home. If there are any changes in the plan, I'm to be told that too. Technically, if he was away at college like some of his friends, I wouldn't even have that information, so I tell myself I'm lucky (depending on how you look at it  ) to know that much. So far he's been pretty good about sharing. Doesn't mean I'm getting the truth, but what can I really do, kwim? At 20, if she's shown good judgement in the past, I'd say you have to let it go. They were easier when they were toddlers, weren't they? |
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Post by leannec on Aug 16, 2014 15:07:46 GMT
If this isn't something that occurs regularly, I'd let it go. I'd probably mention that if she planned to stay out all night again, to let you know so you don't worry. This. She should let you know because it is a sign of respect ... |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 9, 2024 14:17:32 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2014 15:08:19 GMT
If it's something you've never addressed with her before, I would simply state that in the future she needs to let you know if she's not coming home.
As others have mentioned, it's a simple matter of courtesy to others living under the same roof.
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oldcrow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,828
Location: Ontario,Canada
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Post by oldcrow on Aug 16, 2014 15:09:42 GMT
20 means she is an adult so unless you have rules put in place for while she lives at home I would keep my thoughts to myself. Especially since you knew where and with whom she was with.
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Post by 1lear on Aug 16, 2014 15:12:49 GMT
I'd mention it to her.
DD2 is 18 and home from college for the summer. Our rules are she needs to be home around 2AM, at the latest. I'm a really restless sleeper so often wake up during the night. One night about a month ago, I woke around 3AM and she wasn't home. I mmediately started texting/calling her. She didn't answer right away so I started googling traffic accidents in our area (I'm also a worrier). She finally answered her phone-she'd fallen asleep at her boyfriend's house while BF and his friend were gaming. She came home right away and did apologize.
I don't care if she is an adult-my house, my rules.
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caro
Drama Llama
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Post by caro on Aug 16, 2014 15:14:07 GMT
If this isn't something that occurs regularly, I'd let it go. I'd probably mention that if she planned to stay out all night again, to let you know so you don't worry. This is what we did with all three of our young adult kids. It's a tough one when they live at home. |
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Post by beachbum on Aug 16, 2014 15:14:11 GMT
When our adult children are at home we expect at least a text to let us know they won't be home that night.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,895
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Aug 16, 2014 15:14:27 GMT
I'm with everyone who says that she should at least let you know she's not coming home so you don't worry she's in a ditch somewhere.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 9, 2024 14:17:32 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2014 15:15:30 GMT
Mine that lived at home at that age didn't have a curfew. He set his own hours. I did however ask that he let me know what time he expected to be home, or if he planned to stay over at a friends, and let me know of any changes. Not to control his life but so I could go to bed and if I heard the door open at 2 am I'd know it was him instead of an intruder. Also so if he didn't come home there was information to give to the police to send help.
At 20 I don't think they need a curfew but courtesy to the rest of the house (mom!) is also important.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 9, 2024 14:17:32 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2014 15:19:16 GMT
I wouldn't say anything in a negative motherly way. But out of curiosity I would chat, mention that they must have had a lot of fun last night!
I don't know if your daughter is a social drinker, but it could also be that she had a little more than she was comfortable driving with and decided to sleep there instead of risking anything.
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Post by jamh on Aug 16, 2014 15:23:20 GMT
I'm with everyone who says that she should at least let you know she's not coming home so you don't worry she's in a ditch somewhere. Definitely this. JamH |
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Post by Zee on Aug 16, 2014 15:35:46 GMT
My DD will be 20 in a couple days. I require her to send me a text if she won't be home, so that I don't worry. She's very good about doing that.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 9, 2024 14:17:32 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2014 15:40:02 GMT
My son is 18 and he comes home the next morning all the time. I know he has been drinking with his friends and he knows to either call me, take a cab or spend the night. Usually he spends the night. They drink beer and play video games all night long. He has known this group of friends for about 10 years or longer and I don't worry about him. He texts me to say he isn't coming home. If he says he is coming home he is home and in bed by 10 pm because he has to work the next day.
The drinking age here is 19 and he is almost 19 so it doesn't bother me.
That said, your house your rules. If you want her home by midnight then it's totally your right to tell her to be home by then. If you know she's not drinking or doing drugs it's not an unreasonable request.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Aug 16, 2014 16:00:00 GMT
I hate that old "their an adult" spiel. If you are 10, 20, 40, and you live in my house, and are expected home at a certain time, you text, or let us know what you are doing, so we know you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere. It's common courtesy, It's part of being a family, taking care of ea other, caring.
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Post by Judie in Oz on Aug 16, 2014 16:09:09 GMT
I like my DSs to text me if they aren't coming home. Oldest will often tell us in advance that he won't be, especially if we've driven him somewhere and he's going to drink. Youngest isn't very good at staying the night anywhere except home.
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Post by sues on Aug 16, 2014 16:17:10 GMT
I hate that old "their an adult" spiel. If you are 10, 20, 40, and you live in my house, and are expected home at a certain time, you text, or let us know what you are doing, so we know you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere. It's common courtesy, It's part of being a family, taking care of ea other, caring. Exactly this. My son is 22 and I expect this kind of consideration. He hasn't had a curfew since he turned 18- but he knows if it's after 3:30am, he's in 'out all night' territory as far as I'm concerned. And I appreciate knowing that ahead of time, if possible. If nothing else, text when you see how the evening is going. But to stay out all night without any communication? No. |
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Post by Debbie on Aug 16, 2014 16:42:22 GMT
My rule is that I expect a text if you're not coming home. Even if it's very late, I will see the text in the morning and know that you are ok. I'm happy if my adult children recognize that they've had too much to drink and shouldn't be driving or are too tired to make the trip home so they crash at a friend's place. And I'm sure they would rather not field a phone call from me when I wake up and notice their car is not in the driveway. It is a respect issue, for sure.
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mama2twoboys
Junior Member
Posts: 70
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Post by mama2twoboys on Aug 16, 2014 16:45:55 GMT
If this isn't something that occurs regularly, I'd let it go. I'd probably mention that if she planned to stay out all night again, to let you know so you don't worry. This. She should let you know because it is a sign of respect ... I'm in this camp. |
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Post by gar on Aug 16, 2014 16:49:01 GMT
I'm with everyone who says that she should at least let you know she's not coming home so you don't worry she's in a ditch somewhere. This is the bottom line really, so yes, I mention it in a non-confrontational way, and ask that she tells another time. |
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Post by redrulz on Aug 16, 2014 17:07:17 GMT
I think she should make you aware if she is not coming home just so you don't worry.
I never had a curfew, but I informed my parents if I was going to be out late or not coming home. Even if I had to call and wake them up. It's common courtesy.
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Post by withapea on Aug 16, 2014 17:10:53 GMT
This. She should let you know because it is a sign of respect ... I'm in this camp. Me too. |
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 16, 2014 17:23:23 GMT
Out of respect, she should let you know. However I wouldn't make it a big deal.
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Post by mnmloveli on Aug 16, 2014 17:24:04 GMT
I think a little chat would be best. Just so she knows that that's a little too late. 8:30 a.m. is not late - it's the next morning.
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Post by Linda on Aug 16, 2014 17:55:51 GMT
I wouldn't mention it - she's an adult.
When my son was 17 or so and started going places that didn't require us to transport (he had friends who drove and then he got a license when he was almost 19); we explained that it's courteous to let the cook know if you're planning to be home for or miss a meal and that it's also courteous to let the others at home know when to expect you home if that differs from the norm. We had had a roommate for 7 years while he was growing up - she had just moved out when we had this chat - and she followed this also so made it obvious that it was a courtesy thing not a teen/curfew thing.
DH and I make a point of letting the kids know when to expect us home and will call if that changes so we're also setting that example. I don't think it would work if we didn't, to be honest.
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Cheesy
Full Member
Posts: 135
Location: The cornfields of Illinois
Jun 26, 2014 16:49:38 GMT
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Post by Cheesy on Aug 16, 2014 18:06:26 GMT
This reminds me of when I was about 14 or 15. We had a cast party after closing night and when I asked my mom what time I should be home, she said "be home in time for breakfast".
So of course we stayed out all night and when I got home she had locked me out! I had to throw pebbles at her window and, boy was she mad. But she had to admit that she told me I could stay out.
We came to a better level of understanding about curfews after that...
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. 
) to know that much. 
